Size doesn't matter...

My husband told me about a news story that was talking about how Kendall Jenner, sister to Kim Kardashian was told she was too fat to be a runway model. Really, she is in her early twenties and probably has no body fat whatsoever... This brings me to my post today. I was a size 3-4 all through college and up until three years ago. I never had anyone call me fat or did I have a negative image of myself. It wasn't until I started to gain weight because of medication and health issues, that people started treating me differently. Once you are no longer the in the 120 lbs range people start to ask questions and say things that come off really wrong. For example: "have you worked out?", "do you eat a lot of fast food and junk food?" "Do you know you have gained weight?" The answer to these questions is irrelevant, but what gives people that are considered, "skinny" the right to ask these questions of a person that has gained weight. I don't go around asking you if you "ate a burger" in the last year or if you "ate at all today."  I have been struggling with getting my medicine just right so that the exercise and clean eating I am doing can help me lose the weight I have gained over the last three years. I am not blind to the fact that I have gained weight, and I don't need people to point it out to me. There is no nice way to say "wow, you look great, but I have noticed you have put on some pounds lately."  Anyone who has dealt with this battle understands that even if you do everything like you are supposed to, sometimes it takes longer to lose the weight than you want and it can be frustrating. I have a double whammy, I have depression coupled with weight gain due to my medication. So, if my pants don't fit right or I don't feel comfortable in my self one day, that can trigger an episode of baby depression for the day. I have been fighting back against this and now that if not now when? No more excuses as to why I am not losing the weight, my husband is doing everything in his power to keep me motivated and help me feel better about myself. I am working hard to remind myself, that it's just a number and size doesn't matter, as long as I am healthy and happy.

Be kind today.

Redos

There have been several days over the last few weeks that I wish I could just redo. As in rewind and start from the beginning, before the meltdown. If i could start from the moment just before the meltdown, I would be able to pin point why the meltdown is about to happen and prevent it from happening. So, I declare that as a person that suffers from anxiety/panic and depression disorder, I am ALLOWED to have redos. I am allowed to say "wait a moment, give me a second to think things over and let me collect myself, so that my meltdown isn't as catastrophic as it could be." Heck even if you don't suffer from anything, if you need to redo the moment, do it! Its not just about saying you were wrong in how you reacted to something, its about letting yourself know that its ok to have these moments and its ok to take the time to reflect on why this is happening. I really can't stand it when people tell me to relax and just get over it. Really? If it were that easy, I wouldn't need a pill box the size of a dvd player. Those words are probably the most annoying things to hear when you deal with this on a daily basis. Its not something you can just "get over and ignore." It is a  daily struggle to have a good day, and dammit if I am having a bad day and declare a redo of a moment in that day you better believe I am going to redo it! The way you feel when you mentally are just tired and can't think straight is probably the hardest thing to explain to people that have never dealt with this kind of thing before. Your brain is so overloaded that you can't think straight and its hard to keep your emotions from bubbling over. Its like you are on fire and there is no one around to put the fire out.  I hope that I will not have to redo a lot next week, the next day or even the next few hours. But again, if I have to take that moment to redo the moment, I will and do that moment over with more forethought and patience for myself and the entire situation.

Be kind today.

Medical Haze

I am sitting at my computer and several things are fighting for my attention. I am trying not to go ham on the dog who has been barking for about 10 minutes straight because she has felt a change in the force. I am also annoyed that my computer fan is running really loud and I am afraid it might explode or just stop working.  I have been sick since last Wednesday, so the observations through the eyes of a medically induced haze is always eye opening. I am probably dehydrated and need to sleep more... back the dog barking she is so going in her kennel in about two seconds. I have about five assignments I have started and am ahead of for classes, but I feel as though I could do more, even though none of them are due for about three weeks. Ok, the force is back to normal, she stopped barking-for now, which means the mailman has embarked onto the next street. My mind is racing with thoughts, I had a dream that I was the protector of the library and I blasted about ten people who didn't pay their fines or lost books and weren't willing to buy the book. OK, yes this sounds silly, but I library fines are serious business and need to be taken seriously... I also dreamed that I was knitting a bridge across a river... no clue where that came from. And the force has changed again... the dog is like a jedi she can feel the change and then runs from window to window trying to figure out what is causing said change. My eyes are crossing so its a good time to stop typing... excuse the random thoughts, but Nyquil is some serious stuff and this is the result of it.

Be kind.

Got to have FAITH

Sometimes you are faced with choices that are hard to make. Do I want to take the easy way out and just walk away, or do I "stick it to the MAN" and potentially walk away with nothing in the end?  This is what I am faced with at the moment, and it's weighing on me very heavily. I feel like I should take the moral high ground and continue my fight for what is right and finally get people to be accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am stuck thinking about the material gain I potentially get from this with the "stick it to the MAN." aspect. SO i posed the question is it better to choose the material gain and walk away, still knowing that justice was not served, or do I continue the struggle and hope for the best possible outcome?  Is there a plan that I am supposed to know about? Or is this one of those moments in life where you just have to have faith and know that what you are doing is in good faith and it will all work out for the best.  I am new to the whole faith deal, so walking into something blindly is hard for me to do and I am taking everything into consideration.  This is potentially the biggest decision I have had to make to date and might be the biggest I face in a long time. I am going to leave this up to faith and know that whatever happens I am still a stronger version of the person that crumbled and broke down six months ago!

Be kind today.