Mundane

I was driving to class one Tuesday and was listening to NPR about a musician that suffers from Bipolar. It was about his struggles to stay healthy while working on his music. One thing that he said stood out in my mind and a light bulb turned on. When asked how he is doing today with his disease, (and remember just because you can't see it, it is still a disease.) he said something to the point of, " I am able to deal with the mundane conversations more now than ever." This stuck with me and I had to discuss this with my mom when I stopped at her house before class.  I thought about all the way over there and this is what I came up with. Having Bipolar, my mind is wired a little differently than someone who does not have this disease. With my specific diagnosis, I tend to see the negative and bad before I see the beauty and blessings. I go from zero to 100 in a matter of milliseconds. I have more depression than manic highs.
I am a child of a cynic and a woman that keeps it real, so just imagine how my sense of conversation skills developed over my childhood. I am sarcastic to the bone and often will tell a person exactly what I am thinking without a filter, so needless to say having conversations with people about little things in their life was and to a point a challenge for me. After hearing that one statement, I realized it's true for me as well...I can handle the mundane conversations more than before. It is not to say that I do not enjoy talking to people or find them dull as the definition suggests, but it is more that my brain would not allow me to find interest in what people were talking about. My brain was fixated on what it thought was important and that was the depression and particular mood I might be in at that moment. 
I had to explain to my mother that I wasn't disinterested in what others were saying, even her, its just that my mind was not engaged in the conversation. She told me that she noticed that I often have a blank stare when she talks to me...again its not me being rude and thinking what she is saying is boring and not as important. I just couldn't focus on the little things that people would talk about, when there was a war going on inside my head. I dreaded having small talk with people, because I didn't know how to have those conversations with people. It is hard for me to this day to stop and ask people how they are doing and wait for their response. I have been able to push my boundaries to where I am comfortable having "regular" conversations that people have everyday. I cringe a little bit when it comes to meeting new people and finding things to talk about, but I can manage at least the simple conversation about simple things that people talk about on a regular basis- family, weather, school, what is happening in their life, etc. I hear everything that is said, but I have to remind myself that what this person is saying is important to them and I force the battle in my head to cease fire so I can truly listen to what they say to me. It's hard, but I am able to deal with the conversations now, and that is a big deal. Coming from the place I was a year ago to where I am now, that is a really big deal.