Alcoholic

Depression is kind of like having alcoholism...you know there is something wrong. You know that you are slipping down a hole that is getting harder to get out of than before. You know that damage is being done on the inside but you just can't see it, so in your mind its not there. With depression you lose your desire to do things that once made you happy. It is a struggle to move from your bed to the couch and then to even get up to get something to eat. I feel as though I am an alcoholic that is too weak from drinking that I just can't do anything. No wait better yet I am a functioning alcoholic...I appear to be happy and get things done that need to be. I am well kept, my house isn't a disaster, my school work is done in advance, I am polite etc. But behind closed doors I am a mess. I am moody, reluctant to start projects in the house, because I know I won't have the energy to complete them. I push off things that can be done in an instant and say I will do them later. I am in some way dependent on my spouse for the boost of confidence he gives me to do things I like. I feel helpless most days and don't know why. No I mean I do know why...its called depression. I am at least aware of that... I know when the hold is coming over me and I know that something has to be done quickly to have it let go of me. But there are some days where I don't mind having another drink of "poor me" or "my life stinks." I don't mind just sitting on my couch in my PJs and doing nothing, because that calms the waves in my head. So I drink and drink some more to calm and soothe what bothers me. I snap out of it after a few days to a week, but in the eyes of professionals that means I have just had a manic episode and something has to be done to get me out of it. I know this...so why do I stay in the place that is so low? Well, here is the thing about suffering from depression, you can't just get over it...it is like being an alcoholic- it is part of your life for the rest of your life. You can have good days, and then you might have a few bad days. Its best to fill your life with people and places that will not allow you to relapse into the downward spiral, but you can't hide from the world to get away from your demons. Depression is a disease that is not seen on the outside, you wouldn't know I was depressed unless I told you. Just like an alcoholic I can hide it really well. I can smile and pretend that nothing is wrong, when I am screaming on the inside. Today, I had a drink this morning, but I won't be having a drink for awhile I am sure...it changes sometimes as quickly as the weather. Again, its with you for the rest of your life, waiting for you to take just one more drink.