One of those days

The number of things that I don't want to do today are numerous...
1. don't want to get out of my pj's
2. don't want to get out of bed
3. don't want to take phone calls from people that don't announce who they are before they start asking questions that take more of my brain capacity, since they just woke me up.
4. don't really want to drive in the snow and cold and sit in class for four hours and learn about statistics
5. don't want to be bothered with people today.

But you know what I have to do all of these things today, and I am going to do it with a smile, because it confuses people. They don't know what to do when you just smile at them. It freaks them out. I am going to drive to class with Christmas music blaring mainly because there is snow on the ground, I will learn statistics even though I avoided it all through college, and I will then drive home tomorrow morning and curl up in bed and drink tea and binge watch SVU and Rosanne.  That will be my reward for doing the things on my list today that I really don't want to do, but know its best if I do.

Have a great day. Be kind.

Curly

I have had super curly hair all my life. It wasn't till I was much older that I was able to appreciate it. I remember hating my hair and my mom for giving me this kind of hair. (because it was her fault I got the curls, right?)  Anyhoo, I wanted my hair to be straight like all the other girls I went to school with. I hated being teased because my hair was different. Here is the thing, as a bi-racial child, I was neither white enough because of my hair and never black enough because of my skin tone.  This is the Catch-22 of being mixed.I detested it when my mom would try to get me to wear my hair down. I would rather pull it back and braid it. This took place all through high school. It wasn't till my freshman year of college I embraced the curls. I first cut my hair short and then slowly started to transform into the curl loving woman I am today. I cut it short because I didn't want to spend forever doing it in the morning. (I am like my mother in that aspect, I would rather have short hair and take five minutes to get ready.)  I have cut my hair several times since then, just to spice things up. I love my curls now. It is a way for me to stand out without saying a word. I can walk into a room and the curls do the talking. That of course is a conversation starter for many people, because they can't figure out how a light skinned, blue eyed girl ended up with black curly ringlets.  Then of course, for some reason, white people always want to touch it. HELLO!! I don't ask to touch your hair, so please don't ask to touch mine. Trust me it feels like hair.  Its not just about the hair, its about accepting who I am as a bi-racial woman. I have accepted that my hair is only a starting point to this acceptance. I then started to love my full lips, curvy hips, broad shoulders, and the little bit of junk in my truck my momma gave me. Getting older those curves have been accentuated a little more and the hair has grown a little longer, but I still am a work in progress when it comes to loving all that is me. I am a curly haired, blue eyed, light skinned girls with full lips...if you want that is the black in me, but I say that is the strong heritage that I get from my lovely great grandmother, grandmother and my mother. I have never seen pictures of my great grandmother, but my mother told me she was lighter than me and had straight grey hair. She says I resemble her to some degree, and that makes me love me even more after hearing that. Even though I never met her, I feel her strength in me through the blood my grandmother gave my mother and the blood my mother gave to me. I am a curly headed lady and I will not be tamed!

Be kind today.

Above Ground

There are many things that repulse me in this world... I detest people at claim to have no knowledge of something that indeed they were privy to about six months ago. I am repulsed by people that will smile in your face and then say nothing in your defense when the time comes to supposedly "help" you out. People that claim to have your back and then back away from you and don't even reach out to see how you are doing. I can't stand people that claim ignorance when in fact they are just choosing to be blind to what is standing in front of them. I am annoyed with people that are negative and they keep creeping back into my life with the drama I let go of a year ago. I am pissed that I let these people annoy me and disgusted with myself, that I don't just tell them to FUCK OFF and stay out of my life. I need the voice of my mother to keep me from wishing ill will upon people that are bad people, because though I may not be a religious person, I do believe in Karma and its a bitch what her sister Joy can dish out when she is on vacation. I need the voice of my husband to tell me that we will fight harder than ever to make everything ok. I need the voice of my father to tell to relax and everything will work out, and he will do his CIA thing that he is so good at doing.  I am repulsed at the way so many people just allow the people that are supposed to lead them ignore that fact that they don't have a clue what they are talking about. I understand self preservation, but when are you going to stop being a lemming and drinking the kool-aid? I have had peace in my heart for several months and have been doing well in spite of all that is on my plate right now, but today, I went to a dark place and was unsure how to get out without the calming words of the three people mentioned above. Without the words of encouragement that everything will work out, I would be huddled under the covers of my bed, not wanting to be apart of this wonderful world. I would spiral into a hole so deep that it would be hard to dig my way out. So my repulsion lies mainly in people that claim to be good people but overall are jerks and assholes that you really want to punch in the face. I am not a violent person but I went there today in my thoughts, and I am sadden by that. I thought I was over the anger, but it swelled up inside of me and took over for about an hour or so. I didn't go into the hole...I stayed above ground and will remain there even with the people that repulse me. I just will choose to walk around them and not acknowledge their existence. Karma and Joy will take care of them for me.

Be Kind today...and have a beer or two!

Consumed

I am consumed by thoughts of "what if." I can't shake them from my mind. In the last year my mind has been a playground of "what ifs."  I am the person that always asks this question before anything even gets off the ground. I am the person that hits the negatives looking at the positives. I am the person that looks for the gloom before they ever see the rainbow. My mind races with doomsday scenarios. I am constantly amazed at how far my mind will reach into the depths of despair without even coming up for air and thinking of something happy. I am consumed with the the overwhelming feeling of dread. I am consumed with a desire to feel happy but the sad creeps in before I can see the happy. I am consumed with the need to be stronger and stronger everyday, so that the people I love know that I am getting better and not worry about me. I am consumed with a routine that is seemingly overtaking my life and its scaring me that I won't be able to change it. I am consumed with the feeling that I need change and hope that I am capable of dealing with the change. I want to start fresh and know that its for the better. I want to feel better about what I do every single day. I want to feel as though I serve a purpose and that what I do matters. I am consumed with these ideas daily and want them to become a reality. I am consumed with pressure that I place on myself to be the perfect student, wife, daughter and person living with depression and other issues. I know there is no such thing as perfect but I am consumed with the idea of perfection. I want to be stronger than I was the day before and know that if I can't do something then its ok. I want to know that I CAN do the things that my mind says I can't.  I want to be consumed with affirmations from my own head that I am worth all the good that I have in my life right now. I want to be consumed with energy that allows me to waver from the schedule and routine I have so rigidly set for myself.  I want to be consumed with the strength that comes deep within my soul. I WILL be consumed with success and delight at how far I have come and how far I will continue to come.

Be kind today.

Not that kind of woman...

You know there are some women in this world that knew from an early age that they wanted to be mothers. They grow up, get married and have children.  I have never been that woman.  Not to say that being a mother or  working mother is a bad thing, its just never something I ever wanted, and probably don't want out of life. I am a teacher and that is the best birth control there is. I love working with children, but I don't think I want to come home to them.  I have a nurturing bone, hell that is why the plants and the dogs are still alive. But if I forget to water the plants or feed the dog, its not a big deal. Forget to fed a child- big deal! I had a co-worker once tell me that I just wasn't "that kind of woman." Now I wanted to punch this person in her face, because she was making it seem as though my choice to continue my education and work to build my professional career and not have a family was wrong. Really, did I comment on your failed marriage at age 22 and  you having multiple baby daddy in the picture? Nope didn't say anything, even though deep down I was judging very harshly. I recently got married after three years of being with my significant other and we have talked about children, but the conversation never seems to pan out in the direction of : "YES, we want to have children." It is more like a big huge question mark up in the air. Now trust me there is no pressure from either of are parents to have children since they have plenty of grandchildren, so that is a plus.  There is however a somewhat social expectation that since we are married and in our thirties that we should be having children. All our friends that are married have or are having children...so that leads me to think its what you do when your in your thirties.  But again, its not something I see for myself. I just started back at school and will be working on a dissertation in about two years...do I really need a child to add to that equation? Don't think so. The dissertation will be my baby. I have also applied for two jobs that would require us to relocate if I was offered one of them. Baby? Nope, still not sold on the idea. Yes, I have chosen to put my professional life before anything else, because that is what I am passionate about.  (I put my family and husband as a priority too, you know what I mean.)  I am fine with not being "that kind of woman." It might be the Mamie Davis blood running through me that just wants to push forward and be that powerhouse in the academic and professional world and to hell with the rest of it. That is some strong blood running through these veins and maybe just maybe I am doing it for her and my other great-great-great grandmothers. They did not have the opportunities that I have before me. Maybe I am supposed to be the kind of woman that fights to get what she wants out of her professional career to honor the ladies in my family that didn't have those options. I am not "that kind of woman" and I am 110% ok with that. And with that said have a great day.

Be kind today.

Disclaimer

Typically when someone starts off the conversation with a disclaimer I tend to lean towards the idea that the conversation isn't going to go very well.  For example I remember having someone actually say to me, after finding out I was half black, "You know I am not racist, I know several black people." Well, right there you showed your true colors. You probably "know" a few black people in the sense of you have seen black people.  Last week I got some great news and I was rather excited it about and I had one person SHIT on that parade in a rather passive aggressive way.  "Well, I don't want to be a negative Nancy..." Hello, that means you are going to be negative with what you are about to say and I really don't care to hear/read it. Even after reassuring this person that I indeed knew what I was getting myself into, they had the nerve to then tell me good luck. Really?  Did I miss something, you just told me that the job I was interviewing for was bad and then you tell me good luck.  Insincere much? Look I have used disclaimers often in my writing, but that is me being a smart ass and being sarcastic. I use the disclaimer in jest, because I know what I am disclaiming is completely true for me when I say it.  If I say, "I really don't give two flying craps about: fill in the blank," It's because I don't give to flying craps about something. If I told someone "I don't want to be a negative Nancy...I actually do want to be a negative Nancy and will do so with gusto!  It's simple people...say what the hell you mean to say. Stop sugar coating everything little damn thing with niceties that mean nothing.  Stop using disclaimers to make yourself feel better about what you are about to say in the hopes that people will not think poorly of you. Hello, people are going to judge you no matter what the hell you say, so just say it. My mother never told me to hold my tongue, unless she is in the room and it involves me cursing like a sailor. She taught me and my sisters that words are your best weapons in most instances. I have learned to use my words to get my point across and people have taken notice that I don't back down for anyone. I have learned that if I speak the truth then more people will respect my ideas. IF they don't, oh well...as my mother says, "sounds like a personal problem!" So my disclaimer for the day is: If you are offended by this, sorry. (remember I am sarcastic, so take that with a grain of salt.)

Be kind today.

Enough

I have been through a lot in the past year, but I can say with the help of my family-parents and my great husband that I have made it through. I don't think I say it enough but thank you. Thank you for taking me with all my quirks and faults and not judging me for them. Thank you for knowing they are a part of me and though I wish I could change some things, you still love me.  Thank you for being there when I needed a pep talk, when I needed someone to just be real with me and tell me to suck it up.  Thank you for being the rock when I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own. Good things are and have been happening for me this past year and I couldn't have done it without you.  So, just in case I haven't said it enough, THANK YOU!

Be kind.