Consumed

I am consumed by thoughts of "what if." I can't shake them from my mind. In the last year my mind has been a playground of "what ifs."  I am the person that always asks this question before anything even gets off the ground. I am the person that hits the negatives looking at the positives. I am the person that looks for the gloom before they ever see the rainbow. My mind races with doomsday scenarios. I am constantly amazed at how far my mind will reach into the depths of despair without even coming up for air and thinking of something happy. I am consumed with the the overwhelming feeling of dread. I am consumed with a desire to feel happy but the sad creeps in before I can see the happy. I am consumed with the need to be stronger and stronger everyday, so that the people I love know that I am getting better and not worry about me. I am consumed with a routine that is seemingly overtaking my life and its scaring me that I won't be able to change it. I am consumed with the feeling that I need change and hope that I am capable of dealing with the change. I want to start fresh and know that its for the better. I want to feel better about what I do every single day. I want to feel as though I serve a purpose and that what I do matters. I am consumed with these ideas daily and want them to become a reality. I am consumed with pressure that I place on myself to be the perfect student, wife, daughter and person living with depression and other issues. I know there is no such thing as perfect but I am consumed with the idea of perfection. I want to be stronger than I was the day before and know that if I can't do something then its ok. I want to know that I CAN do the things that my mind says I can't.  I want to be consumed with affirmations from my own head that I am worth all the good that I have in my life right now. I want to be consumed with energy that allows me to waver from the schedule and routine I have so rigidly set for myself.  I want to be consumed with the strength that comes deep within my soul. I WILL be consumed with success and delight at how far I have come and how far I will continue to come.

Be kind today.