Confessions of the fat twin

As a twin you are constantly compared to the other. I was the smart, nerdy twin, while my sister was the artsy, creative one. I have even had people say to me, " no I was talking about the pretty twin, your sister. " Really people? Hello we look the same. Though we might look the same, and people are perplexed when they see us together-trust me it is freaky to see two people that look exactly alike. I stare at multiples all the time and now know what the big deal is.  Anyhoo... over the last year I have gained almost 30 pound due to medicine and depression. The medicine has helped with the depression but the weight gain doesn't exactly bode well for the psyche in some ways. I am not depressed about it, I have figured out that I have to learn to love this me and work on making sure I am healthy. If that means I am a little heavier than the last time you saw me, so be it. I am healthy, trust me. I eat healthy, I workout.  Here's the thing, you don't have to point it out to me. I know what I look like. I know that I have gained weight and I am working on losing a few pounds here and there, but becuase of the medicine I am taking that is going to be hard. But I am willing to put in the hard work...no not crazy, puking, my body hurts hard work, but hard work-i exercise at least 4 times a week and eat lots of fruit and veggies kind of hard work. Back to that don't mention it to me point...just accept that I have accepted that this might be the me that is going to be around for a long time and that I have accepted that. My idea of a healthy body image is that I am comfortable in who I am- and I am! when you can say that you are happy in the body that you have been given, then you are truly happy with the body you were given and that is a big thing. Don't let anyone step on that feeling. Women are constantly being told that if they are not a smaller size that they are not beautiful... I disagree. I am one of those not so small ladies anymore and I think I look damn good. If you have given birth to children and have had people tell you that you need to lose the "baby fat" tell them to go fly a kite. Your body sustained life and a little curve here and there is proof that you rock! We need to stop being obsessed with the size and focus on the healthy...if a woman is a size 15 but is healthy for her age- then let her rock her size 15 and move on. Again, this is just the thoughts of a woman until recently was the "thin" person...I am still learning to love my new body, but I love it. It's not going anywhere so I better like it right?

Be kind today.

Christmas Vacation

I  am not going to say that I am upset with people's behavior, I am disappointed. This tends to be the problem with me...I build things up in my head and want them to be wonderful. I am the Clark Griswald of Carbondale....there is a grand picture in my head of how things should go and when they don't I am disappointed. I want to stop caring about how people behave but it's hard when you have invested time in them. How can you not care about people, you thought cared about you?  See the problem?

I decided that I am only going to put stock in people that are willing to invest in me as well. And not on a superficial level, but on a true level of investment. No more, we are friends on fb and I never see or interact with...I want people in my life that take the time to at least see how I am doing, and truly want to be in my life. Again, maybe I expect people to be decent and oh I don't know be considerate of others, but I guess that is asking too much. I have recently had this revelation that if you take the time to truly be concerned with me, and its genuine, then you get to ride along with me through my life. If you say one thing and then talk out the side of your face, I want nothing to do with you. Say goodbye and hello to something called karma. You know karma right, do good and good will follow you and good things will happen to you... well guess what if you continue to be inconsiderate of others karma is going to bite you in your ass. I appreciate people that are real and have made an effort to get to know me and care about me. I thank those people in my life. You are all the reason I am doing so well and am not ranting with a slew of curse words...my mother says I can curse like a sailor, just like her when I am upset. Thanks mother for that gift.

So to end said rant, this year, I am purging my life of people that do not give a damn about me. I am not going to say consider yourself lucky if you make the cut, but those that are in my life to stay and are truly invested in me, you are keepers. I may build things up in my mind to be wonderful and there is nothing wrong with that, but I like being Clark Griswald...his Christmas Vacation wasn't completely ruined, he at least had people who cared about him in his corner when he needed them.

be kind today

Happy Birthday to ME!

I am another year older, a little bit wiser, and oh so HAPPY. No really, I am happy. I have a mother and father who love me unconditionally, sisters that make me laugh and a husband that knows me well enough to buy me bear claw slippers to make me smile.

This is going to be short and sweet.  I am surrounded by happy people and things, that it is getting easier and easier to be happy for MYSELF. After my appointments this week with my doctor, having other people tell me " I look and sound like I am doing much better." And I am. So with that, I will say "Happy Birthday to ME!!!"

be kind today.

Karma is a Bitch and her sister's name is Joy...

I sat down here to finish my term papers for class, but started thinking about all the things that are swirling around in my head. I did a presentation on world religions for my class on cultural proficiency this week and I talked a lot about Karma and its significance in life and in the Hindu religion as a whole. For those of you that may not know what the concept of Karma is, it deals with how you live your current, present life and it's impact it will have on your next life. Now if you don't believe in reincarnation, then this makes no sense to you and you do not have to continue to read this post. But basically, if you are a good person, and you live and follow dharma, you will come back as something greater than before in your next life.  This is something that has always fascinated me about the religion, you get more than one chance to get it right. I love that idea. 

I have over the last few days come to realization that some people will have a hard time with this Karma thing. They are good people on the outside, meaning they seem like everything is happy and everything is good, but on the inside they neglect the most personal and fundamental concept of being a good person- How you TREAT others.  They may be really good to themselves and the people that are in their inner circle, but to those closest to them, they disregard them and disregard what these people have given to them in the past when they were in need.  They look down on people that do not fit their model of what life should be lived like. They act as though everyone will bow down to them because of the things they have and the people they know. Little do they know that the stars are not aligning in order for them, they are in a cosmic turmoil because of how they treat people. 

Being about to treat people, all people, with the respect and dignity they deserve is hard. I am guilty of being judgmental and harsh towards people I don't know, and I have sense learned that I was wrong for this. I am a easier person to deal with because I see value in all God's creatures and I see that not everyone is made the way I would like them to be. I have had to reflect on my transgressions that I have placed on people in the past and have to apologize numerous times to make my Karma right. I am at my wits ends with certain people and can't come to terms with how they have treated me and those that I love dearly. They act as though they are better than and that I and others should be beholden to them for them taking the time to be around me. I don't have agendas when I am with people I say I care for. I just want to be around them. I cherish the conversation and time I have with these people and take nothing more than that away from the experiences I have with them. 

This might seem incoherent and jumbled, it is partly, because my mind is thinking of my term papers, school models, and action plans. I apologize if you can't follow my train of thought, but I promise there is a reason for this little rant...Karma is real, people say it all the time; "Karma will catch up with you." I believe this to be true. But be warned if Karma is a Bitch and if she doesn't catch up to you, her sister Joy is a bigger Bitch to deal with. 

Be kind to others and know that you can only be you and no one else, so choose you! 

Common Sense

My mother sat me down yesterday and told me I have common sense. To paraphrase, she said the issues I have to deal with emotionally  has nothing to do with how I respond to the things that are going on in my life. I need to put that stuff aside and focus on the bigger picture and that is peace. She continued to say that I know what I am doing and I just need to keep doing it. She is a wonder of a woman. With her and my father breaking things down for me, I am blessed. They have always been there to protect and fight for me when I needed them. They have seen me at my lowest over the last year and they still protect and fight for me to this day. My mother continues with her tough NURSE RATCHET brand of love and tells me that I have a husband that will support me in whatever I do. (They think a lot alike and its a little scary sometimes how one will say something the other just told me the day before.) It was a "come to Jesus" moment with the Msgt that afternoon. I am a smart woman and know when I have been wronged, I understand that the situation I was dealt with was unjust. She told me that all I need to use is that common sense she knows I have. I don't need to let my emotional demons that are inside of me dictate how I handle things. I fight the common sense, because it is easier to cry and be emotional about what is going on at the moment in regards to the "incident." It is easier to just walk away and throw my hands up and say I just want to be done with it. But here is the kicker, I fortunately come from a family of fighters, therefore it's in my blood and I can not walk away from this without throwing at least a few punches to scuff up the (pardon my language) son of a bitch that screwed me out of a job I loved and was good at. My momma has my back and with her words of wisdom about using the common sense God gave me, today when I got three emails from the attorney and spoke to him on the phone, I was able to breath and take it all in. I was able to say with a firm, unwavering voice that I truly understood what he was saying. I say "I know, " a lot in conversations I am having with my husband and my parents and they know I am not really taking it all in, but today was the day I took it all in.  I was able to breath a sigh of relief after getting off the phone and had a grasp of what was said. Momma knows best and in this case it is for real. If all else false I know my momma will just come down here and take out everyone that caused her baby girl pain and she will be yelling from the top of her lungs, "PIMP DOWN!!!" as she does it.

I love everything that my momma is and ever will be in my life. My father has been a solid rock of advice and would bail my momma out in a heartbeat. My husband would be there probably in shock and awe, but I would just have to remind him that is how the Mamie Davis in us rolls and he married into the family so he just gets to go along with it :)

Be kind today.