Above Ground

There are many things that repulse me in this world... I detest people at claim to have no knowledge of something that indeed they were privy to about six months ago. I am repulsed by people that will smile in your face and then say nothing in your defense when the time comes to supposedly "help" you out. People that claim to have your back and then back away from you and don't even reach out to see how you are doing. I can't stand people that claim ignorance when in fact they are just choosing to be blind to what is standing in front of them. I am annoyed with people that are negative and they keep creeping back into my life with the drama I let go of a year ago. I am pissed that I let these people annoy me and disgusted with myself, that I don't just tell them to FUCK OFF and stay out of my life. I need the voice of my mother to keep me from wishing ill will upon people that are bad people, because though I may not be a religious person, I do believe in Karma and its a bitch what her sister Joy can dish out when she is on vacation. I need the voice of my husband to tell me that we will fight harder than ever to make everything ok. I need the voice of my father to tell to relax and everything will work out, and he will do his CIA thing that he is so good at doing.  I am repulsed at the way so many people just allow the people that are supposed to lead them ignore that fact that they don't have a clue what they are talking about. I understand self preservation, but when are you going to stop being a lemming and drinking the kool-aid? I have had peace in my heart for several months and have been doing well in spite of all that is on my plate right now, but today, I went to a dark place and was unsure how to get out without the calming words of the three people mentioned above. Without the words of encouragement that everything will work out, I would be huddled under the covers of my bed, not wanting to be apart of this wonderful world. I would spiral into a hole so deep that it would be hard to dig my way out. So my repulsion lies mainly in people that claim to be good people but overall are jerks and assholes that you really want to punch in the face. I am not a violent person but I went there today in my thoughts, and I am sadden by that. I thought I was over the anger, but it swelled up inside of me and took over for about an hour or so. I didn't go into the hole...I stayed above ground and will remain there even with the people that repulse me. I just will choose to walk around them and not acknowledge their existence. Karma and Joy will take care of them for me.

Be Kind today...and have a beer or two!

Consumed

I am consumed by thoughts of "what if." I can't shake them from my mind. In the last year my mind has been a playground of "what ifs."  I am the person that always asks this question before anything even gets off the ground. I am the person that hits the negatives looking at the positives. I am the person that looks for the gloom before they ever see the rainbow. My mind races with doomsday scenarios. I am constantly amazed at how far my mind will reach into the depths of despair without even coming up for air and thinking of something happy. I am consumed with the the overwhelming feeling of dread. I am consumed with a desire to feel happy but the sad creeps in before I can see the happy. I am consumed with the need to be stronger and stronger everyday, so that the people I love know that I am getting better and not worry about me. I am consumed with a routine that is seemingly overtaking my life and its scaring me that I won't be able to change it. I am consumed with the feeling that I need change and hope that I am capable of dealing with the change. I want to start fresh and know that its for the better. I want to feel better about what I do every single day. I want to feel as though I serve a purpose and that what I do matters. I am consumed with these ideas daily and want them to become a reality. I am consumed with pressure that I place on myself to be the perfect student, wife, daughter and person living with depression and other issues. I know there is no such thing as perfect but I am consumed with the idea of perfection. I want to be stronger than I was the day before and know that if I can't do something then its ok. I want to know that I CAN do the things that my mind says I can't.  I want to be consumed with affirmations from my own head that I am worth all the good that I have in my life right now. I want to be consumed with energy that allows me to waver from the schedule and routine I have so rigidly set for myself.  I want to be consumed with the strength that comes deep within my soul. I WILL be consumed with success and delight at how far I have come and how far I will continue to come.

Be kind today.

Not that kind of woman...

You know there are some women in this world that knew from an early age that they wanted to be mothers. They grow up, get married and have children.  I have never been that woman.  Not to say that being a mother or  working mother is a bad thing, its just never something I ever wanted, and probably don't want out of life. I am a teacher and that is the best birth control there is. I love working with children, but I don't think I want to come home to them.  I have a nurturing bone, hell that is why the plants and the dogs are still alive. But if I forget to water the plants or feed the dog, its not a big deal. Forget to fed a child- big deal! I had a co-worker once tell me that I just wasn't "that kind of woman." Now I wanted to punch this person in her face, because she was making it seem as though my choice to continue my education and work to build my professional career and not have a family was wrong. Really, did I comment on your failed marriage at age 22 and  you having multiple baby daddy in the picture? Nope didn't say anything, even though deep down I was judging very harshly. I recently got married after three years of being with my significant other and we have talked about children, but the conversation never seems to pan out in the direction of : "YES, we want to have children." It is more like a big huge question mark up in the air. Now trust me there is no pressure from either of are parents to have children since they have plenty of grandchildren, so that is a plus.  There is however a somewhat social expectation that since we are married and in our thirties that we should be having children. All our friends that are married have or are having children...so that leads me to think its what you do when your in your thirties.  But again, its not something I see for myself. I just started back at school and will be working on a dissertation in about two years...do I really need a child to add to that equation? Don't think so. The dissertation will be my baby. I have also applied for two jobs that would require us to relocate if I was offered one of them. Baby? Nope, still not sold on the idea. Yes, I have chosen to put my professional life before anything else, because that is what I am passionate about.  (I put my family and husband as a priority too, you know what I mean.)  I am fine with not being "that kind of woman." It might be the Mamie Davis blood running through me that just wants to push forward and be that powerhouse in the academic and professional world and to hell with the rest of it. That is some strong blood running through these veins and maybe just maybe I am doing it for her and my other great-great-great grandmothers. They did not have the opportunities that I have before me. Maybe I am supposed to be the kind of woman that fights to get what she wants out of her professional career to honor the ladies in my family that didn't have those options. I am not "that kind of woman" and I am 110% ok with that. And with that said have a great day.

Be kind today.

Disclaimer

Typically when someone starts off the conversation with a disclaimer I tend to lean towards the idea that the conversation isn't going to go very well.  For example I remember having someone actually say to me, after finding out I was half black, "You know I am not racist, I know several black people." Well, right there you showed your true colors. You probably "know" a few black people in the sense of you have seen black people.  Last week I got some great news and I was rather excited it about and I had one person SHIT on that parade in a rather passive aggressive way.  "Well, I don't want to be a negative Nancy..." Hello, that means you are going to be negative with what you are about to say and I really don't care to hear/read it. Even after reassuring this person that I indeed knew what I was getting myself into, they had the nerve to then tell me good luck. Really?  Did I miss something, you just told me that the job I was interviewing for was bad and then you tell me good luck.  Insincere much? Look I have used disclaimers often in my writing, but that is me being a smart ass and being sarcastic. I use the disclaimer in jest, because I know what I am disclaiming is completely true for me when I say it.  If I say, "I really don't give two flying craps about: fill in the blank," It's because I don't give to flying craps about something. If I told someone "I don't want to be a negative Nancy...I actually do want to be a negative Nancy and will do so with gusto!  It's simple people...say what the hell you mean to say. Stop sugar coating everything little damn thing with niceties that mean nothing.  Stop using disclaimers to make yourself feel better about what you are about to say in the hopes that people will not think poorly of you. Hello, people are going to judge you no matter what the hell you say, so just say it. My mother never told me to hold my tongue, unless she is in the room and it involves me cursing like a sailor. She taught me and my sisters that words are your best weapons in most instances. I have learned to use my words to get my point across and people have taken notice that I don't back down for anyone. I have learned that if I speak the truth then more people will respect my ideas. IF they don't, oh well...as my mother says, "sounds like a personal problem!" So my disclaimer for the day is: If you are offended by this, sorry. (remember I am sarcastic, so take that with a grain of salt.)

Be kind today.

Enough

I have been through a lot in the past year, but I can say with the help of my family-parents and my great husband that I have made it through. I don't think I say it enough but thank you. Thank you for taking me with all my quirks and faults and not judging me for them. Thank you for knowing they are a part of me and though I wish I could change some things, you still love me.  Thank you for being there when I needed a pep talk, when I needed someone to just be real with me and tell me to suck it up.  Thank you for being the rock when I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own. Good things are and have been happening for me this past year and I couldn't have done it without you.  So, just in case I haven't said it enough, THANK YOU!

Be kind.

354 days

I took down the tree and decorations yesterday. I thought that it would be better to just get it over with and bring the season to an end. But wait...I started a countdown on my ipad for Christmas. I am turning into that person that wants Christmas to be everyday. So with that being said, I left a little bit of Christmas in each room. It's small and if you aren't in my house on a regular basis you wouldn't even know it. I also decided that I will be wearing Christmas socks throughout the year. I love the season so much that it was sad to take my tree down. I was cranky and yelling at the dog all day until I heard a song from the movie Elf on the tv when I got out of the shower. I instantly got happy. So needless to say my husband has figured me out and knows what makes me happy. Two Christmas movies are staying out for the year when I need a little boost of happy: Elf and Christmas Vacation. Can't tell you why but it makes me smile, and if that makes me smile and get up in the morning, what harm is it doing. I am not going to turn into a person that leaves the tree up year round and wears my Christmas shirts all the time. I have my limits, I don't want to end up on one of those shows on TLC about crazy obsessions. It's still winter so I validate my decision to continue the SPIRIT of Christmas throughout the year.  So with that I curl up in my Christmas blanket and countdown to the day when I can put up my decorations again and enjoy songs of the season. Oh who am I kidding I am going to listen to my two cds I got for Christmas in my car-and sing at the top of my lungs.

Be kind and remember to keep the SPIRIT of Christmas in your heart all year long.

Motivation is knocking...

Motivation is something that I struggle with everyday. I read somewhere that having depression isn't about just getting out of bed, it's about getting out of bed and actually wanting to do something that matters to you that day. It's about moving from the bed to the couch and hopefully to a productive day. Over the last two weeks since my winter break started I have been caught up in the the constant battle I have with motivation to do anything. I have forced myself to get out of bed, I have forced myself to create and finish a few new items for my shop. I even forced myself to get up one morning this week and hit the craft store. That was a lot for me over the last couple of weeks. I am starting my second semester of classes in a week and I need to find the motivation to read the chapters before class. That won't be hard, partly because it is something I love doing, I love reading and learning about what I am passionate about.  I have never had a problem with motivation when it comes to school and getting things done in that aspect of my life. That comes easy and I am in control of that part of my life. It is everything else around me that I don't have control over. I don't have control over everything else in my life. I don't have control over my weight, the medication has that on lock for me. Thanks for making my life manageable, but I don't appreciate the extra pounds. I am not always going to have control over things, I know this, but a little would be nice. Often it's just this overwhelming feeling that I can't get anything started and I can't completed. Basically, I can't start things that are on my to do list and even if I do start them, its hard to complete them.  Failure to launch is a big problem when you have depression. You feel trapped under an elephant and can't figure out how to get the damn thing off your chest. That is where just getting enough energy to get out of bed and move to the couch is a big deal. Getting off the couch and doing something around the house is a big deal. Getting out of the house is a big deal. I am fine spending everyday in my house and not being in contact with people. I go to school once a week and am away at my father's house for one night and one day. I interact with about 11 in those two days, my parents and classmates and a professor, that is it. I am just fine with that. I don't have to interact with any extra people. When I get home its me and the dog till my husband gets home and I am fine with that. The days that I am not at school I am at home doing homework, working on crafts, cleaning the house, etc. I don't go out unless it is super early in the morning and I know there are not a lot of people. I fear that I am getting worse in this regard, but I know what I am capable of handling.  Again it goes back to the motivation. I have to plan out my day in advance so I know where I am going and who I will be talking to. I have to talk myself into not taking a nap at 12 in the afternoon and workout instead. I have to talk myself into going to my therapy sessions and talk about all this with my therapist. I have to push myself to go to the store with my husband and pick out a microwave. I have to push myself to do just about everything that I should otherwise want and need to do without any prompting. This is the struggle of having depression. This is the struggle of feeling shut in with no way out, even though you can get up and leave whenever you chose to. But in your mind you are shut in and can't get out. This is the struggle that I deal with everyday.  It's not something that just goes away with time and then one day you are instantly happy. It will be with me for as long as I am on this earth, but again, motivation knocks on the door every morning and I make the choice to answer the door and let it in.

Be kind and Happy New Year.