Motivation is something that I struggle with everyday. I read somewhere that having depression isn't about just getting out of bed, it's about getting out of bed and actually wanting to do something that matters to you that day. It's about moving from the bed to the couch and hopefully to a productive day. Over the last two weeks since my winter break started I have been caught up in the the constant battle I have with motivation to do anything. I have forced myself to get out of bed, I have forced myself to create and finish a few new items for my shop. I even forced myself to get up one morning this week and hit the craft store. That was a lot for me over the last couple of weeks. I am starting my second semester of classes in a week and I need to find the motivation to read the chapters before class. That won't be hard, partly because it is something I love doing, I love reading and learning about what I am passionate about. I have never had a problem with motivation when it comes to school and getting things done in that aspect of my life. That comes easy and I am in control of that part of my life. It is everything else around me that I don't have control over. I don't have control over everything else in my life. I don't have control over my weight, the medication has that on lock for me. Thanks for making my life manageable, but I don't appreciate the extra pounds. I am not always going to have control over things, I know this, but a little would be nice. Often it's just this overwhelming feeling that I can't get anything started and I can't completed. Basically, I can't start things that are on my to do list and even if I do start them, its hard to complete them. Failure to launch is a big problem when you have depression. You feel trapped under an elephant and can't figure out how to get the damn thing off your chest. That is where just getting enough energy to get out of bed and move to the couch is a big deal. Getting off the couch and doing something around the house is a big deal. Getting out of the house is a big deal. I am fine spending everyday in my house and not being in contact with people. I go to school once a week and am away at my father's house for one night and one day. I interact with about 11 in those two days, my parents and classmates and a professor, that is it. I am just fine with that. I don't have to interact with any extra people. When I get home its me and the dog till my husband gets home and I am fine with that. The days that I am not at school I am at home doing homework, working on crafts, cleaning the house, etc. I don't go out unless it is super early in the morning and I know there are not a lot of people. I fear that I am getting worse in this regard, but I know what I am capable of handling. Again it goes back to the motivation. I have to plan out my day in advance so I know where I am going and who I will be talking to. I have to talk myself into not taking a nap at 12 in the afternoon and workout instead. I have to talk myself into going to my therapy sessions and talk about all this with my therapist. I have to push myself to go to the store with my husband and pick out a microwave. I have to push myself to do just about everything that I should otherwise want and need to do without any prompting. This is the struggle of having depression. This is the struggle of feeling shut in with no way out, even though you can get up and leave whenever you chose to. But in your mind you are shut in and can't get out. This is the struggle that I deal with everyday. It's not something that just goes away with time and then one day you are instantly happy. It will be with me for as long as I am on this earth, but again, motivation knocks on the door every morning and I make the choice to answer the door and let it in.
Be kind and Happy New Year.
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