Blood Pressure

My mother has been dealing with her blood pressure spiking over the last few weeks. I talk to my mother almost everyday, and no I am not the reason for the spikes! Well, maybe just a little bit. But I will get to the point. When she told me that she might have to go to the ER, I was on top of it. I was ready to drive the two hours to her to make sure she was ok, even though my father is only 20 minutes from her. She told me she was doing fine and that she was seeing the doctor in the morning...again I said I would come early and take her. I didn't want her to get light headed and have to drive. What kind of daughter would I be? Anyhoo, she sends a text msg to all us girls in the morning saying that everything is ok and she see the doctor again later this month. Now let me say, that the night before I talked to my father and told him that he needed to be "on call" just in case she needed him. Of course, in my great Nurse Ratchet fashion my mother already told him that I was possibly over reacting to the situation. Thanks mother! She also put me on a NO CALL mandate till the next day, because she wanted to rest. How am I supposed to check on you if you won't let me call you? She lifted that after only a few hours and I called her that night. My father is as my mother puts it "emotionally removed" from many situations, and that is where I get it from. He tries to be caring and understanding but in true CIA fashion he shows little to NO emotion to the events that are taking place. When I was in the ER awhile back...yep, you guessed it, very little emotion, he just was there to tell me to stop cursing and in his own way that was him telling me he cared. But I digress...my middle sister, texted to my mother: Stay healthy, I am not ready for all of this yet! And in that statement, I felt the same way... I am not ready for all of this "parents getting older" thing. I worry about my father and his diabetes and I check on him weekly to make sure the beagles haven't eaten him. I check on my mother to make sure she hasn't slipped down the stairs or fallen out of the bed... yes mother I still remember you getting your foot caught in the sheet and you falling into the closet in your bedroom! (too much blueberry wine will do that to you.) Whenever I see my parents I remind them that they have to live 80 more years... I am not joking. They have to live as long as me. Since I plan on living till about 100 or so they have to stick around till then. My father laughs and says you are one day closer to death everyday, and the thought of that makes me cringe. But he is right, you are closer each day. You never know what is going to happen. I know that one day I will have to see my parents in a hospital. I will have to see them suffer. These are hard things to think about, let alone type right now. I don't want to ever see them like that, but that is what happens when you get older. It's the circle of life (not to rip Disney off) but its true. They care for you as children and once they can no longer care for themsleves you do it for them. It's hard to digest, but I don't have to worry about it for at least another 80 years, so I am good.

High School

After 15 years of being out of high school one thing is clear.... my friends have not given up on me.  There have been new additions to their families, anniversaries of marriages, etc. I have been playing checkup to a lot of that. I have just in the last few months gotten married to my best friend and supporter and talk of a little mini us is in the works. I have been focused on getting my life in order in terms of my career and relationships and that has been a long road for me. My husband has been there for the good, the bad and the oh so ugly and I appreciate him more than anything in the world for being my rock. He has constantly reminded me that I can not push people away that truly care about me. My family is a given, they will always be there for me... remember I told my parents they have to live for another 80 years! He will be with me no matter what and again I thank him constantly for that. But back to my original thought... those girls that are now mommies to little ones have always also supported me through these last 15 years. We have grown up together and we have transformed into strong, beautiful women. I know that when my issues are hard to handle for myself, it effects how I interact with the people around me. I have essentially come clean about my distance with my two closest friends about my reason for being absent in their lives...I am scared that I am not the same person I was last time we saw each other. I am scared that our lives are different and I won't be able to relate to what is going on in their lives. But then it dawned on me...of course I am not the same person. I will not be able to relate to motherhood, because it hasn't happened to me yet, but I can still relate to being the same friend I have been for 15 years to them. They can still relate to me as well. They know my struggles and they accept me. I love that I am able to tell them what is going on with me and they do not judge, they just say to me..."i understand." and "we can make it work." That is all I need to know that we are in essence the same as we were when we were younger. We worked through things when we were younger and we will work through things now. I wish I lived closer so that I could see them more often. We have to plan way in advance to meet up, and I have to remember they have little ones that might have to come along for the ride...which is fine, I can get some practice in for when I become a mommy.  I know that I have changed for the better and am in a better place then I was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I work through them and know that no matter what the girl that has a beautiful voice, that I never heard sing till the day of our friends wedding and the other girl that walked onto the field with me before the buzzer at our first band competition are still going to be there for me no matter what. I love looking back on those funny moments and know that even though we are no longer in high school, I still have those two ladies to call my friends!

Be kind today.

Teachers deserve respect

When I was growing up, you never wanted the teacher to call home or send a note. My parents view on teachers was this: you listen to what they say- even if they were wrong in the information they were telling you, keep your mouth shut. They also felt that if the teacher said we did something wrong, they didn't blame the teacher- they beat our ass and told us that we better start acting like we have some sense.  That is the problem with today's children. (again this is based on dealing with and observing behaviors of children- I do not have children, so I am only speaking from what I know.) Parents want to be friends with their children or they teach them that challenging everything that an ADULT says to them is ok. NO, it's not ok. My parents are not my friends. I still can't curse around them and get nervous ordering drinks around them till this day. They will always be more adult than me no matter what my age is. I know that if someone older than me tells me something I better listen. I learned at an early age you don't talk back to adults-now of course if an adult is doing something of an abusive nature, by all means YELL at the top of your lungs and tell somebody. As a teacher I do not mind a student asking questions, but when they are trying to make you look stupid intentionally because they think its funny and they think they know more than you, HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT! If a teach says something that is incorrect there is a way to tell them or ask questions so that it can be a learning moment for everyone. There have been times when I was wrong, standing in front of my class, and a student was question me in a respectful manner. I would say simply, "we can check on that..." If I was wrong then that was ok, but when you get students that are smug and arrogant about things like that and you bring it to their parent's attention- they blame you! Did you ever think that your child might be the problem? Did you ever think that your child might have been the one that was disrespectful in the situation. My mother would tell it like it is to her students and the parents. Unfortunately, in the public school system these days, teachers get all the blame. Teachers deserve respect from the students and their parents. There is the sense of privlege that some students have becuase they have the right family name, their parent works at the school. or on the school board, or they are institutions in the community...that still does not give your child the right to talk to a teacher like they are adults. Here is what it comes down to, if a child talks to a teacher/adult in a manner that is disrespectful, that means that you as parents allow them to talk to you that way...teach your children some respect.Like my parents said,"if you aren't going to respect me, how the hell are you going to respect anyone else?"

Be kind to the people that educate your children...and teach your children to respect them and any adult!

Dedication

I am trying to find the dedication that is needed to workout and actually enjoy it. I have spent money on videos, have a treadmill in my living room, but yet there is not dedication to one thing that will help me get back to the me I was before I moved to Carbondale. Ok, I am not going to be a size 4 again, but maybe smaller than what I am now. There are so many movements for self love and accepting what body you have, and I have come to accept that I will not be a size 4 ever again in my life, but come on throw me a bone! My medication has the side effect of weight gain, so of course that is the side effect that I get...I guess I could have it worse-other side effects include death.  But I lack the drive needed to make the change, partly because the side effect of gaining weight and having depression don't work well together. If I gain weight and don't feel good about myself and the way I look, that puts me in a blah mood, which can trigger a depressive state for a few days to a week. Now these have been spread out over longer periods of time, so that is a plus. I have not completely given up hope of change. I have decided that this will be my NEW START...if I want to see change I have to work for it, right? Unfortunately, my brain fights me everyday on this NEW START movement I try every week. I haven't worked out in two weeks and you know what, I feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about that! Do you see the correlation?  In order for guilt not to set in and my mood to plummet to the depths of hell, I have to get up off my ass and do something about it. I need to dedicate myself to my well being. I am not going to go crazy and sign up for Crossfit...that would just be insane, but I am going to get back to the me I was before... the girl who ran to clear her head, the girl that didn't curse like a sailor when it came to working out, I am going to get back to me. So back to basics...I loved running in college, so that is where I will start. Who knows, maybe the dedication will come back to me and I will finally do a 5K for the first time. Something to look forward to, but I have to start somewhere and its not where I have been for the last two weeks, the couch. (EVEN though the couch and I have a long and loving relationship.)

Be kind and enjoy your weekend.