Dedication

I am trying to find the dedication that is needed to workout and actually enjoy it. I have spent money on videos, have a treadmill in my living room, but yet there is not dedication to one thing that will help me get back to the me I was before I moved to Carbondale. Ok, I am not going to be a size 4 again, but maybe smaller than what I am now. There are so many movements for self love and accepting what body you have, and I have come to accept that I will not be a size 4 ever again in my life, but come on throw me a bone! My medication has the side effect of weight gain, so of course that is the side effect that I get...I guess I could have it worse-other side effects include death.  But I lack the drive needed to make the change, partly because the side effect of gaining weight and having depression don't work well together. If I gain weight and don't feel good about myself and the way I look, that puts me in a blah mood, which can trigger a depressive state for a few days to a week. Now these have been spread out over longer periods of time, so that is a plus. I have not completely given up hope of change. I have decided that this will be my NEW START...if I want to see change I have to work for it, right? Unfortunately, my brain fights me everyday on this NEW START movement I try every week. I haven't worked out in two weeks and you know what, I feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about that! Do you see the correlation?  In order for guilt not to set in and my mood to plummet to the depths of hell, I have to get up off my ass and do something about it. I need to dedicate myself to my well being. I am not going to go crazy and sign up for Crossfit...that would just be insane, but I am going to get back to the me I was before... the girl who ran to clear her head, the girl that didn't curse like a sailor when it came to working out, I am going to get back to me. So back to basics...I loved running in college, so that is where I will start. Who knows, maybe the dedication will come back to me and I will finally do a 5K for the first time. Something to look forward to, but I have to start somewhere and its not where I have been for the last two weeks, the couch. (EVEN though the couch and I have a long and loving relationship.)

Be kind and enjoy your weekend.