Lotion

I am biracial- mom is black and my father is white. I am adult, for the most part, and have learned to embrace who I am on many levels. I learned in college that I have to explain certain things to my white friends and then in turn have to explain certain things to my black friends. It was as if I had a window into both worlds and knew the answers so I was the likely person to ask. Possibly, so that the person asking the question would not feel uncomfortable for asking the question, but like I have said before, being uncomfortable when talking/asking questions about another race is normal...deal with it. I  am married to a white man, he is wonderful. When I say that I am married to a white man, many people are confused, because I look white and they don't understand why I have to tell people I am married to a white man. Yes, I might look white, but I am blended. That means I am in a biracial relationship- that one day will result in the beautiful blend of a little one. (one day!)  But back to my main idea here... growing up with my father (white male) and my mother (black woman), a black sister and also an Asian sister as well, race was never discussed in my family. I thought everyone's family should look like mine. If I saw a family that was just ONE color I thought that was strange.  I grew up in a household that didn't ignore the differences we had between us, we just considered it normal to us. I digress...I often will stroke my husbands arm or hands while sitting on the couch in the evening and I wondered out loud of course, "Why is your skin so soft?" To that he replies, "I don't know, it just is." I then asked him if he used lotion after taking a shower and he looked at me like I had an extra head. He doesn't use lotion. WHAT??? This was mind blowing! In my world we use lotion after the shower, during the day, at night, you name it I am putting lotion on to keep my skin moist, or some might say from getting "ashy." I never thought about it till we had this discussion, I am not even sure if I ever saw my father put lotion on...well maybe he does- diabetes might be the only reason for that. I will have to ask next time I am home. This was the first time, I didn't know something about the "white" half of me...with that being said, I know now that the only time my husband puts lotion on is in the winter when his hands get dry and crack. Isn't that something?  My hands don't do that...but my elbows sure do need some lotion right now and my ankles so I am off to take care of that!

Be kind.

Scared Straight

This morning I have sat through two episodes of Scared Straight... I know what your thinking, "It's Sunday, you should be cleaning the house!" Don't worry I have already started cleaning. The tv is really just on for background noise. While working around the house, and listening to the crying of the young children and the screaming of the inmates... I started thinking about what my mother would do to me if I ever was in that position. Now here is the disclaimer: I would never have been in that position, I will get to the whys of that in a moment.

As a young child, I was a little devil. We had a neighbor that had flowers on the side of their house and I would pick them...isn't that what you are supposed to do with flowers? Well, back to the story, several times my parents would have to tell the angry neighbor that no more flowers would be picked, the lady was not nice about it, and demanded that my parents handle it. If you know my mother, she doesn't like to be told how to handle things, so let's just say she might have got an attitude with the lady and my father more than likely had to step in and be the voice of reason. I grew up in a generation that if you did something, guess what? YOU PAID THE PRICE! I am a product of child that got spanked. My dad had these leather house slippers that were so smooth on the bottom from being worn all the time that they were perfect for spanking. Or if you happened to be in the right place in the kitchen, the wooden spoon would find its way to your arm...my mom is a ninja and could get up on you in seconds if she had to. My parents were not my friends growing up. I knew this, even through college they were not my friends. That is how I was raised, they were my parents and they were in charge. Today, especially being a teacher, I noticed the dynamic between parents and the children I was teaching, the parents were trying to be FRIENDS with their children. Sorry, but that is not how I grew up. Now today, I can joke around with my parents, but you know what, they are still just my parents, I still defer to them if they tell me to do something. My mother can still come at me with her hand and I do cringe- I am 33 and yes, I am still afraid of my momma and her wooden spoon. My father and I joke around but I still respect him as my father, I have a hard time drinking around my father, that is how much I still think I am his little girl.

Reason I would never have to go through a Scared Straight program...my mother scares the HELL out of me! That's it, simple as that. My mother is a beast and can take me down with just a look. She doesn't have to say anything to me, just a look says it all. I love my mother and respect her like no other, but I have learned that if I do something, even to this day, I will get a "come to Jesus talk." the next time I see or talk to her.

Being a military child I learned quickly to follow the rules, and if you didn't follow the rules there would consequences. My parents always said that "they didn't want us to ever have them go to the school." They meant that. My parents never did parent teacher conferences, never went to parent nights, etc. It was in the best interest of everyone if my parents didn't have to go to the school.  That was enough to keep us in line. I never had think about "well I think I can get away with this..." Nope not going to chance it. My parents WILL find out. Being the youngest of four girls I learned from my older sisters what not to do. My parents ALWAYS found out. It was best just to do as you were told and move along. While teaching I would have students say, "go ahead and call home, they aren't going to do anything." WHAT??? This statement is crazy, my parents would have knocked me out if they got a call from the school. I remember my father having to write a letter to the high school principle for some reason when my older sister was in school... let's just say the situation was taken care of and the principle knew that he didn't really want to mess with my father. (As one of my mom's former students likes to say, my father might or might not have been in the CIA-so he is someone not to mess with.) Life with my parents is fun, they keep me on my toes.

I was scared straight by my parents they could be a great program for troubled youth!

Be kind today.

Ain't Got No...

This by far is one of my favorite Nina Simone songs.(Originally written during the Civil Rights Movement, but it resonates to my core not only for the rights of minorities, but as a woman/person suffering with inner doubt.)  She boldly states what she doesn't have but in the end states louder:

I 've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got the life

I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life

We so often talk about the things we don't have but rarely discuss the things we have and are grateful for. I have learned the hard way that one must stop and "actually smell the roses." No really stop and smell the damn flowers and take in all that this world has to offer you.  I tend to close myself off from people and not reaching out when I need help with things. I am the person that likes to do things for themselves and don't even try to ask if you can help... I will eat you alive, even if I am drowning in my own sweat. What do I not have in my life right now? I don't have a job, a job that I love doing-teaching. I love it more than just a job, it is my calling. I would love to say I had a great first week with new students and enjoyed decorating my classroom, but I can't do that now. I was sad, frustrated, irritated, etc. seeing people talk about their first day back in the classroom, but I got over it. It's not my time to be there yet...there is a plan in place and I am just following it to the end. I am staying positive and not regretting my decisions, even though I do ruminate on them now and again. So that is one thing that I don't have in my life, but what do I have? I have LIFE....simply stated like Simone sings, " I've got life, I've got freedom." Why does this song dig deep into my soul? It reminds me that I have something to live for. I woke up this morning with breath in my lungs, a body that supports my everyday challenge not to kill myself while working out, a husband that loves me and cares for me unconditionally, a family that supports- those are the things I've got. I have so much to be thankful for, I just have to look around. You tend to miss the things that are most important to you, because you are so used to them being there. People like to accumulate THINGS...well I have been purging my life of things. I don't even remember the last time I stepped into a store other than to buy food. I have been purging my life of people that don't understand me (totally sarcastic and can be off putting to many-thanks to my resting bitchy face) I swear I am a pleasant person. In the last year I have learned that THINGS don't matter, my LIFE matters and that is what I take from this song. It breaths new life into me when I hear it and grounds me. So the next time you start talking about the things you DON'T have, think about the wonderful LIFE you do have, you just have to open your eyes to see.



Entire Song Lyrics:

I ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no bed
Ain't got no mind

Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God

And what have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got
Nobody can take away?

Got my hair, got my head
Got my brains, got my ears
Got my eyes, got my nose
Got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, got my chin
Got my neck, got my boobs
Got my heart, got my soul
Got my back, I got my sex

I got my arms, got my hands
Got my fingers, got my legs
Got my feet, got my toes
Got my liver, got my blood

I've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got the life

I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life

Keeping it Classy!

Growing up my mother never taught me how to apply make-up. Today, I only were Chapstick, mascara and eyeliner. That's it. It was not something I every really wanted to know how to do. My mother doesn't wear much make-up either, so that might be the reason, all of girls don't wear much. That is a good thing: for one our significant other will never sue us for misrepresentation (recent news article I read- the wife looked completely different without makeup on.) No really look it up its a real story. Secondly, this to me doesn't make me more or less of a "lady" I actually hate that term, lady. It is so old fashioned and makes me feel like I have to act a certain way. I drink beer, sit with my legs sprawled open, I curse like a sailor, and I would be the first to say that I am a sarcastic beast around everyone. My mother never told us to "act like ladies." She would and still says "keep it classy." which for me is better than "act like a lady." I can keep it classy while cursing someone out for being a dumb-ass- I just enunciate my curse words so that there is no confusion of what the meaning of my words mean to the recipient.  (My momma taught me well.) And what does it mean to act like a "lady?" IN my world it means whatever in the hell you want it to mean  Isn't it just an issue of teaching your children to behave with manners? IN my world, that makes sense.  My mother says you can "keep it classy, but always yell PIMP DOWN!" if you have to. I come from a long line of women that didn't take crap from anyone. My mother likes to tell me stories of the women in our family and trust me, I wouldn't want to ever have been on their wrong side. My grandmother and according to my mother, my great-grand mother were sweet women, but could take care of business if they had to. They kept if classy but would probably cut you if they had to. I can handle my own if I have to, there is a lot of Mamie Davis blood in these veins and it might surprise people if they step on the wrong side of me. My momma likes to warn us girls when we are going to get it... it might not be today, a week from today, or even this year, just know that she will be lurking around the corner with a wooden spoon (her weapon of choice) and pop you in the face when its time. All the while keeping it classy and never messing up her manicure or breaking a sweat.

love you momma.

Fixation

With me its not about just being able to turn my brain off and not think about things. It is more about walking away completely from a situation that I find frustrating. Last year I was forced to walk away from a situation that was itself frustrating, but I was willing to work through it. Typically when things frustrate me I fixate on them until I am able to mentally get over it. I have a tendency to think about all possible outcomes of things and not stop until it is completed. I am sure many people fixate on certain things in their life, but with me it might be a little different than just thinking about something for a few hours and it being done. I have spent an entire week focused on the fact that my computer isn't working. (Windows 10 is the devil-do not upgrade!) It has drained me of wanting to do anything other than fix the problem. I have spent hours thinking of things I can try to fix the problem. I haven't left the house all week-mainly because the part about fixating on this issue has crippled my mind. I can't get anything done because of it. I can't work on my lesson plans for my shop, I can't crochet, knit or even sew because I am stuck on this one thing. It has taken over my head and I can't get rid of it. I can't just walk away from it- it is in there and not going anywhere till the problem is fixed. Thank god for my husband, he finally just took the damn thing away from me and said " I will fix it." I still couldn't let it rest. This then becomes an issue of trust. Yes, I trust that he will fix the problem. Yes. I trust that he will fix the problem. See I had to say it twice to really make my mind believe it. I had to physically be removed from the situation in order to not fixate on it. Is this how my life is going to be? Possibly if I let it. Am I going to have to just train myself to walk away from things that frustrate me? Possibly. But here's the kicker, life frustrates me, people frustrate me...almost everything in this world frustrates me. So how do I deal with that? I am not sure yet. I am working on finding a way to just let things go, even though I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much the situation, person or whatever FRUSTRATES me to no end. I am trying to find the balance between slightly irritated and benignly obliviously ignorant to the stupidity around me. The old saying "ignorance is bliss." this might play well for me. Maybe if I pretend that the people and things around me that I have absolutely no control over aren't there, then my bliss will come to me. I will not become ignorant to what is happening in the world, I will just choose to not let it frustrate me and fixate on it. I will walk away. I will choose to walk away and not be apart of the things that frustrate me. That will be a challenge because like I said above there isn't much that doesn't frustrate me.  (dogs, cats, certain and only a handful of people, school and that's about it)  So my fixation is merely a deep frustration of things I dislike- lack of control over the universe and how things stack up for me. I have control over myself and going to school. That is about it. I know I can control how I do in my classes, I know I have control of what I do or don't do during the day. But everything else- nope no control over any of it. Because of my week long fixation, I did notice that my anger level was about a 8.5 out of 10- I feel bad for the customer service guy that had to deal with me.  (sorry mediacom guy, you didn't really deserve the things I said to you- well ok you kind of did, but I could have said it in a nicer tone.)

Have a wonderful weekend.

Learning from Harry Potter

I am a little behind the times. I only recently in the past few months started reading Harry Potter. I am on the third book and everyone tells me that I will truly fall in love with the series after reading this book. I had to take a small break from reading this summer due to a exam I had to study for. But I am resuming my adventure this week. So far I have learned a lot that can be applied to everyday life. 

1. You may not be able to see something that is right in front of you. (you know the part where Harry doesn't see the platform he is supposed to be on at the train station.) But you should still keep looking no matter what!

2. Befriend the maintenance person/people where ever you are. Harry had it right getting to know the grounds keeper. You will need something done in the future and it is good to know them personally to get it done faster. 

3. Surround yourself with people you can trust. Harry has two awesome sidekicks, you should have at least two people to call in case of emergency. More is good, but two works.

4. Everyone loves getting mail. Harry was getting mail, but his uncle kept trying to keep it from him, well the post office doesn't give up that easily. IF someone sends you mail, read it and write them back!

5. There is always one teacher that you just can't stand. Ok, there might be more, but at least one. I find that this is true even as a pre-doctoral student...it continues no matter how old you are.

6. Sometimes you wish you were invisible. That cloak would rock!!

7. Speaking in tongues can be acceptable in the right situation...Harry can speak snake, pretty cool. That could come in handy when dealing with forked- tongue humans.

8. Being awkward is a part of life and you just have to deal with it. I am awkward still at 33 and I am perfectly ok with it. 

Be kind.