My father has been there for me all my life, he is still there when I fall and helps me get back up when I need help. (Yes, people I know I am 34, but hell a girl still needs her father sometimes!)
So, in honor all Father's Day I am going to tell you what I know about my father. Let me preface this with: we have a running "joke" in our family that he is in the CIA...here are just a few examples of why we think this:
1. Never liked and still to this day does not like getting his picture taken. (could it be that other spies might see a picture of him on one of his four daughter's social media and identify him as an operative?)
2. He doesn't talk much about what he did after he served as a police officer in the Air Force during Vietnam...now this could just be shell shock or PTSD (which are no laughing matter, but we don't know much about his work after that.)
3. I never knew what he did for work as a child. He would get dressed in a suit and disappear till about five pm and then that was it. Never talked about his work with us or my mom. I would ask him all the time what he did for a living and he would change the subject. (Sly, right?)
4. While cleaning out a box of old pictures and clippings from when he was in Vietnam, ( I was making him a better scrapbook) I came across payments in the amount of 10 dollars a month to an organization that helped children of the war. He even had a picture of the little boy he was helping. But as I put everything in order by month...he missed ONE month! That little didn't make it according to my father, but in the paper work there was no update on that...so what really happened to this little?
5. My father has a nice collection of watches...I have never been allowed to touch or see these watches, which makes me believe there is something "special" about these watches. Do they make vaults open, do they scramble computers of other spies or is there a flash drive in one that can download secret documents on the fly? Who knows, all I know is they have to wound in a winding machine, and that could be the way he is able to get the information to his head CIA person.
6. My mom has no idea what he did while he was stationed overseas, I think the Philippines for some time. This was before me, but, she is in the dark about that whole time. When asked about it, he again changes the subject. (he is really good at this!)
7. My dad has not and probably will never set up his voicemail on his phone...is this so no one hears his voice?
8. My father has no social media at all...he is a ghost on the internet. (yeah I just did a search and nothing!) You explain that one to me...most people have at least one hit when searched. He's got NOTHING!
9. My father does not leave the house unless he really has to. That means all the covert stuff must be going down in the house, and since its just him and three dogs, he knows they are going to say anything.
10. He is going on a trip next week, and when I asked where, he giggled and said, "somewhere near Destin FL." Really? "Florida" is that really where you are going?" More chuckling and he clears it up by saying the AFB that is in FL...you want me to believe you know?
He is a man of few words and apparently a man of international mystery as well. Though, to prove he wasn't in the CIA- he did send me his entire viate': HELLO, if you were in the CIA, this obviously will omit the fact that you are in the CIA...can't be a reliable source!
With that being said, Happy Father's day to the Fathers out there and to the ones that are no longer with you. Also, a big shout out to the mom's that are holding it down doing both roles!
Be kind.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Restraint
I talked about people being afraid of what is different yesterday, and today I saw it first hand sitting in the vet's office. Again, I have been wearing a tichel (head covering-eventually you will see the word and know what I mean.) since late October of last year. I live in a city that has a rather large community that cover for religious reasons, or whatever reason they have. So, again for me it is not something that I find strange or different. I also sure as hell don't stare at someone who is covered. I am more likely to comment how beautiful their covering is, or ask the doctor how he gets his pleats so perfect! I guess growing up in the military and being around so many types of people, gave me an appreciation for people and cultures that were different from me and my family.
I went with no makeup today, as I woke up with a slight headache and just didn't feel the need to today. But I pulled on my purple "unicorns are my spirit animal" t-shirt, light black cardigan, jeans and my trusty converse. I pulled out my purple tichels (a pretty sparkly one I received a week ago from a another wrapper.) and did a basic regal wrap and added a black satin ribbon and then a felt flower clip I had made years ago- it also had a shade of purple on it. So I thought I looked pretty good, for not feeling 100%. Off to the vet we go...
Dog gets her shots, bloodwork, a dosage prescription for allergies and so on. (Yes, I am the one that has a dog with seasonal allergies, go figure.) As my husband and I are waiting for the bloodwork, a vet tech comes from the back and stands right in front of me and just stares at me. Now, I know I didn't have anything hanging out of my nose, or anything in my teeth, since I didn't smile at her...so what could she be looking at with such interest? She would look away, and then turn right back to me and stare harder at me and then at my husband and then back to me. I caught her several times doing this. Finally, I just looked at my husband and said I am going to take the dog to the car. As I got the dog in the car, it all just flooded over me...she was looking at me because I was different. I had something on my head that she didn't understand and why I was wearing. It wasn't a look of curiosity, it was a look of almost disdain for what I was wearing on my head. I haven't felt so upset over being the different looking person in so long, that this bothered me to the point that I had to leave the situation.
Alright, so here is the real reason I left the office...I left because this little woman was looking at me unwelcoming and two, I have a tendency to say things out loud that are not appropriate. I am not perfect and never claim to be, I am constantly evolving. I tend to just speak before my brain can catch up with my words. If I would have stayed in that office one minute longer, I would have asked her if she wanted to ask me something since she was looking at me so hard. "Do you want to take a picture so you can continue to stare after I leave?" or worse, I would have more than likely cursed at her. It took so much restraint not to do any of these things. I have come a long way-trust me on this. I have a low tolerance for people and their ignorance. With that being said, I took a moment and just walked away...a higher power pulled me away from the situation and gave me the restraint I needed to not say anything to this woman. My mouth was shut and my eyes were open to my surroundings and I knew that I did not need to be there any longer.
It takes a lot of restraint to be the bigger person when it comes to ignorance and hatred. I stepped up to the challenge this morning. This woman had several things working against her in the situation: I hadn't had breakfast-so I was Hangry, I had a slight headache-so I was grumpy, and I wanted coffee-so I could have attacked at any moment. I took the higher ground and walked out with the sun hitting my shimmery tichel and a happy dog wagging her little bobbed tail!
Just be kind...
I went with no makeup today, as I woke up with a slight headache and just didn't feel the need to today. But I pulled on my purple "unicorns are my spirit animal" t-shirt, light black cardigan, jeans and my trusty converse. I pulled out my purple tichels (a pretty sparkly one I received a week ago from a another wrapper.) and did a basic regal wrap and added a black satin ribbon and then a felt flower clip I had made years ago- it also had a shade of purple on it. So I thought I looked pretty good, for not feeling 100%. Off to the vet we go...
Dog gets her shots, bloodwork, a dosage prescription for allergies and so on. (Yes, I am the one that has a dog with seasonal allergies, go figure.) As my husband and I are waiting for the bloodwork, a vet tech comes from the back and stands right in front of me and just stares at me. Now, I know I didn't have anything hanging out of my nose, or anything in my teeth, since I didn't smile at her...so what could she be looking at with such interest? She would look away, and then turn right back to me and stare harder at me and then at my husband and then back to me. I caught her several times doing this. Finally, I just looked at my husband and said I am going to take the dog to the car. As I got the dog in the car, it all just flooded over me...she was looking at me because I was different. I had something on my head that she didn't understand and why I was wearing. It wasn't a look of curiosity, it was a look of almost disdain for what I was wearing on my head. I haven't felt so upset over being the different looking person in so long, that this bothered me to the point that I had to leave the situation.
Alright, so here is the real reason I left the office...I left because this little woman was looking at me unwelcoming and two, I have a tendency to say things out loud that are not appropriate. I am not perfect and never claim to be, I am constantly evolving. I tend to just speak before my brain can catch up with my words. If I would have stayed in that office one minute longer, I would have asked her if she wanted to ask me something since she was looking at me so hard. "Do you want to take a picture so you can continue to stare after I leave?" or worse, I would have more than likely cursed at her. It took so much restraint not to do any of these things. I have come a long way-trust me on this. I have a low tolerance for people and their ignorance. With that being said, I took a moment and just walked away...a higher power pulled me away from the situation and gave me the restraint I needed to not say anything to this woman. My mouth was shut and my eyes were open to my surroundings and I knew that I did not need to be there any longer.
It takes a lot of restraint to be the bigger person when it comes to ignorance and hatred. I stepped up to the challenge this morning. This woman had several things working against her in the situation: I hadn't had breakfast-so I was Hangry, I had a slight headache-so I was grumpy, and I wanted coffee-so I could have attacked at any moment. I took the higher ground and walked out with the sun hitting my shimmery tichel and a happy dog wagging her little bobbed tail!
Just be kind...
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Climate (Not the weather.)
With recent events happening in our world, it has lead me to believe we have a really bad climate of hatred. Will it ever change? Will my children (that I don't have yet.) or your children's children ever see a time in their lives where there is total peace? Now if you know me well, I am sarcastic and a huge skeptic about life in general. I question just about everything that takes place on an everyday basis. Much to my parent's delight, I was and still am their child that asks too many questions and talks too much for them.
Back on topic...why is there so much hatred? I am going to speak mainly about this country, even though there are so many things to discuss about events around the world. As a history teacher I could speak at length about this country and it's many transgressions against people living here. As a teacher, not a history teacher, I could speak you in great length about the division there is between students of different social, gender, ethnic, race, sexual orientation and much more in the school, city I live in. But back to my point, as a woman of color, I see the way that people look at me. I have noticed it more since I now cover my hair when I leave the house. Even though there is a population of students and professors in the city that wrap for various religious and other reasons, it is still uncommon for people to see in this area. People do double takes, even though it seems to me rather common place. Its not just the way people will look at someone that is "different" in any way, its the way they do it...it's that distinct face of "why the hell are you here and what are you going to do." face. People often are afraid of what they don't understand, and I would try to explain to my students, that diversity is glorious and it makes the world a beautiful place, but it also creates conflict.
The climate of hatred in this country is growing by the minute. While I sit here typing, someone is being beat for being the "wrong skin color", the "wrong religion," the "wrong gender in a bathroom that doesn't fit what they were born as," being "mentally ill, and people think you are the one to hurt them," and just for "not fitting the mold of the NORMAL." (I hate that word.) What is the norm in this country, well, just take a look at what one Presidential Candidate is saying and doing. That will give you an idea of what seems to be the norm for this country. I don't even want to get started on politics, it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I re-posted something on FB today about, when a White man does something, their entire race isn't blamed for what happened. That is true.
There is privilege, and if you think there isn't you are benefiting from that privilege in some way. I in no way want to make it seems as though I blame all horrible actions/hatred on white men in this country. I would be blaming my father and my husband if that were the case. I just know that as a biracial woman, I see the privilege while being with my husband and father... I see how differently they are treated as opposed to being with my mother or sisters (mom-black, sisters- one black and one Japanese.) I also see what happens when my middle sister (black) takes her five children to the store; she has two biological children and her and the BIL adopted three siblings that are white with blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, don't tell me that people don't stare. They question it, trust me. We as human beings need to re-evaluate how we attack this climate of hate...why is it still there? Does the person that loves someone of the same sex, really cause problems in your life? Does the color of one's skin determine their ability to do a job well? Does the sex on someone's birth certificate matter if they identify as another? Do these things bother you? Do they have an impact on your life in anyway? If I pray to Allah five times a day, go to church on Sunday, am an Orthodox Jew, am I hurting you?
I hope that one day, the climate will change for the better and there will not be hatred for things that you just don't understand...but here is the thing; you actually have to want to learn something about what you fear is too different to make the climate change. The clouds will lift one day, that is my hope.(hope this makes sense...a little tired and my brain is on overload!)
Be kind out there...do your best.
Back on topic...why is there so much hatred? I am going to speak mainly about this country, even though there are so many things to discuss about events around the world. As a history teacher I could speak at length about this country and it's many transgressions against people living here. As a teacher, not a history teacher, I could speak you in great length about the division there is between students of different social, gender, ethnic, race, sexual orientation and much more in the school, city I live in. But back to my point, as a woman of color, I see the way that people look at me. I have noticed it more since I now cover my hair when I leave the house. Even though there is a population of students and professors in the city that wrap for various religious and other reasons, it is still uncommon for people to see in this area. People do double takes, even though it seems to me rather common place. Its not just the way people will look at someone that is "different" in any way, its the way they do it...it's that distinct face of "why the hell are you here and what are you going to do." face. People often are afraid of what they don't understand, and I would try to explain to my students, that diversity is glorious and it makes the world a beautiful place, but it also creates conflict.
The climate of hatred in this country is growing by the minute. While I sit here typing, someone is being beat for being the "wrong skin color", the "wrong religion," the "wrong gender in a bathroom that doesn't fit what they were born as," being "mentally ill, and people think you are the one to hurt them," and just for "not fitting the mold of the NORMAL." (I hate that word.) What is the norm in this country, well, just take a look at what one Presidential Candidate is saying and doing. That will give you an idea of what seems to be the norm for this country. I don't even want to get started on politics, it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I re-posted something on FB today about, when a White man does something, their entire race isn't blamed for what happened. That is true.
There is privilege, and if you think there isn't you are benefiting from that privilege in some way. I in no way want to make it seems as though I blame all horrible actions/hatred on white men in this country. I would be blaming my father and my husband if that were the case. I just know that as a biracial woman, I see the privilege while being with my husband and father... I see how differently they are treated as opposed to being with my mother or sisters (mom-black, sisters- one black and one Japanese.) I also see what happens when my middle sister (black) takes her five children to the store; she has two biological children and her and the BIL adopted three siblings that are white with blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, don't tell me that people don't stare. They question it, trust me. We as human beings need to re-evaluate how we attack this climate of hate...why is it still there? Does the person that loves someone of the same sex, really cause problems in your life? Does the color of one's skin determine their ability to do a job well? Does the sex on someone's birth certificate matter if they identify as another? Do these things bother you? Do they have an impact on your life in anyway? If I pray to Allah five times a day, go to church on Sunday, am an Orthodox Jew, am I hurting you?
I hope that one day, the climate will change for the better and there will not be hatred for things that you just don't understand...but here is the thing; you actually have to want to learn something about what you fear is too different to make the climate change. The clouds will lift one day, that is my hope.(hope this makes sense...a little tired and my brain is on overload!)
Be kind out there...do your best.
Being authentic
I have struggled with self esteem probably for most of my life. Confidence for me came in the realm of being good in school, playing the flute and doing cute little craft items. I never really had a sense of "beauty." Of course my parents told me and all my sisters that we were beautiful, but you can hear it and still believe it's not true.
When I got to college, I seemed to have come into my own. I was very social, had two jobs, got to know a lot of people and pretty much felt pretty all through college. But looking back on it, it seemed to be a false beauty. It was oh, "you are the curly haired girl with the blue eyes...: I was known for being a good student, a good tour guide, able to talk to anyone, a sorority girl, (yes, I was in a sorority and I loved it.), I was that girl, along with many other girls I went to school with. We were labeled based on our outer appearance for the most part. Again, the sense of my outer appearance mattered more to people than what I was capable of doing. It is apparent to me know that my outer appearance then was a direct reflection of my inner self; I valued being told I was pretty, I valued people telling me that I looked good in that outfit and that they wanted to buy me a drink and so on.
I continued my education and got my Master's and then my teaching certification. I got my teaching job in 2011 and that lasted until 2014.(if you want to know why such a short teaching spell, look in the archieves and you can read about the incident.) In the fall of 2014 I started my degree program in Curriculum Design and Instruction and will finish this December. YEAH! I will then start the next phase of my education in January of 2017 with my Doctoral classes for my ED.d in Curriculum. (Do I love school or what?) I have a lot of my plate, but I am determined and I have a great support system to help me achieve my goals. But back to my original thought, When I started this program I will finish this fall, I learned something about myself, my true authentic self wasn't being projected to others. I was the woman that would drive two hours to class once a week and say very little in class. (Social anxiety is one of my issues, until I get comfortable with people.)
Again, pulling it back to the real thought behind this, boy I can get lost on tangents...so my true self was not being projected the way that I wanted it to be. I was still unsure of my own ability to actually survive this program and the daunting task of writing and defending a dissertation, etc. It wasn't until about October that I seemed to have found my stride. I happen to notice my twin was wrapping her hair for fashion reasons. I was intrigued and started looking into it myself. I did some googling and stumbled on a website and Youtube channel all about wrapping tichels. The wrap for Jewish woman once they are married. But through my digging, it was not just Torah observant Jews that were wearing the tichels, woman of all backgrounds were wearing these beautiful wraps for a multitude of reasons. I felt a calling to try to it, so I did. I had a sizable collection of scarves already, so I dipped my toes in and went for it.
By the end of October I was wrapping exclusively outside of the house. I don't wrap at home, since my husband loves to see my hair, down....but I am typically running around doing things, that it is up in a bun. When I started wrapping and learning all these beautiful ways to do the tichels, I noticed that I was walking taller, speaking louder, and felt more confident. I started to thinking to myself, this is me. This is the me that I have been looking for all these years. I am no longer the woman with the curly hair. I am more than my hair. People didn't reach out to touch my hair-by the way if someone did that- they got the death stare and I would also do the Star Wars Jedi mind trick and try to smush their brain. Sidetracked again. Men did and no not look at me for what I am wearing and my hair, they do not objective me based on these outward things anymore.
I am a PERSON in the world and that is what I strive to be. It is truly hard to explain why I started covering full time, but the best way to describe it, it is my authentic self. It is my shield from the outside world that will judge me based on my outside appearance, rather then what is in my head and my ability to do my job well. Yes, people still comment on the blue eyes, but I can't do much about that. I am not my hair, the tichel is my way of letting people know that I am more than my hair. I want you to focus on my words, my intelligence, my ability to complete a job with skill. I don't need you wondering if my hair is naturally curly or that it must take a lot of work to do every morning. (the answer to both of those questions is YES. ) I am not ashamed of my hair, being biracial, I have a distinct love for my hair. I come from two cultures that have created a blend that is exceptional. I know how to take care of my hair, I know that my hair is beautiful to others, but I am protecting that beauty with me wrapping. I am protecting myself from being put in a box of "just another pretty woman using her looks to get ahead." What is under that wrap is what matters, well what is under the wrap, under the hair and in my skull is what is important...what comes out of my mouth because of that big old smushy thing is what matters. My words and actions allow me to be authentic and wearing the tichel allows others to focus on both of those without distraction. WOW...a lot to ponder!
Be kind.
When I got to college, I seemed to have come into my own. I was very social, had two jobs, got to know a lot of people and pretty much felt pretty all through college. But looking back on it, it seemed to be a false beauty. It was oh, "you are the curly haired girl with the blue eyes...: I was known for being a good student, a good tour guide, able to talk to anyone, a sorority girl, (yes, I was in a sorority and I loved it.), I was that girl, along with many other girls I went to school with. We were labeled based on our outer appearance for the most part. Again, the sense of my outer appearance mattered more to people than what I was capable of doing. It is apparent to me know that my outer appearance then was a direct reflection of my inner self; I valued being told I was pretty, I valued people telling me that I looked good in that outfit and that they wanted to buy me a drink and so on.
I continued my education and got my Master's and then my teaching certification. I got my teaching job in 2011 and that lasted until 2014.(if you want to know why such a short teaching spell, look in the archieves and you can read about the incident.) In the fall of 2014 I started my degree program in Curriculum Design and Instruction and will finish this December. YEAH! I will then start the next phase of my education in January of 2017 with my Doctoral classes for my ED.d in Curriculum. (Do I love school or what?) I have a lot of my plate, but I am determined and I have a great support system to help me achieve my goals. But back to my original thought, When I started this program I will finish this fall, I learned something about myself, my true authentic self wasn't being projected to others. I was the woman that would drive two hours to class once a week and say very little in class. (Social anxiety is one of my issues, until I get comfortable with people.)
Again, pulling it back to the real thought behind this, boy I can get lost on tangents...so my true self was not being projected the way that I wanted it to be. I was still unsure of my own ability to actually survive this program and the daunting task of writing and defending a dissertation, etc. It wasn't until about October that I seemed to have found my stride. I happen to notice my twin was wrapping her hair for fashion reasons. I was intrigued and started looking into it myself. I did some googling and stumbled on a website and Youtube channel all about wrapping tichels. The wrap for Jewish woman once they are married. But through my digging, it was not just Torah observant Jews that were wearing the tichels, woman of all backgrounds were wearing these beautiful wraps for a multitude of reasons. I felt a calling to try to it, so I did. I had a sizable collection of scarves already, so I dipped my toes in and went for it.
By the end of October I was wrapping exclusively outside of the house. I don't wrap at home, since my husband loves to see my hair, down....but I am typically running around doing things, that it is up in a bun. When I started wrapping and learning all these beautiful ways to do the tichels, I noticed that I was walking taller, speaking louder, and felt more confident. I started to thinking to myself, this is me. This is the me that I have been looking for all these years. I am no longer the woman with the curly hair. I am more than my hair. People didn't reach out to touch my hair-by the way if someone did that- they got the death stare and I would also do the Star Wars Jedi mind trick and try to smush their brain. Sidetracked again. Men did and no not look at me for what I am wearing and my hair, they do not objective me based on these outward things anymore.
I am a PERSON in the world and that is what I strive to be. It is truly hard to explain why I started covering full time, but the best way to describe it, it is my authentic self. It is my shield from the outside world that will judge me based on my outside appearance, rather then what is in my head and my ability to do my job well. Yes, people still comment on the blue eyes, but I can't do much about that. I am not my hair, the tichel is my way of letting people know that I am more than my hair. I want you to focus on my words, my intelligence, my ability to complete a job with skill. I don't need you wondering if my hair is naturally curly or that it must take a lot of work to do every morning. (the answer to both of those questions is YES. ) I am not ashamed of my hair, being biracial, I have a distinct love for my hair. I come from two cultures that have created a blend that is exceptional. I know how to take care of my hair, I know that my hair is beautiful to others, but I am protecting that beauty with me wrapping. I am protecting myself from being put in a box of "just another pretty woman using her looks to get ahead." What is under that wrap is what matters, well what is under the wrap, under the hair and in my skull is what is important...what comes out of my mouth because of that big old smushy thing is what matters. My words and actions allow me to be authentic and wearing the tichel allows others to focus on both of those without distraction. WOW...a lot to ponder!
Be kind.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Purging
I'm back!, wow...it has been awhile since I actually had time to sit still long enough to actually write anything. (Or think of anything other than school topics!) I am finished with my last semester of CLASSES for this program, and am looking forward to the fall where I get to do something I am actually interested in! YEAH.
Alright, so over the last two weeks I have been cleaning out the house. I cleaned my closet out and let me tell you my nieces are lucky young ladies, they are getting a lot of great things from me! I noticed that while purging my closet and dresser, and then the next day I organized my tichels (head coverings) as well. I traded a few with some ladies so, that was even more purging for me. It was so cathartic to get rid of things I wasn't wearing or using. Just the idea of not having in my way anymore put my mind at ease. My mind was so clear, that I was able to sit down and be creative in my craft nook. This was so restful and relaxing.
So, why I am telling you all this? Well, let's just say that over the last two years I have also done a little purging of people in my life. I think the last post was about cutting people out that don't fit me anymore. It's kind of like the clothes. They don't fit anymore and they need to be passed onto people that could use them. I have been very selective in who I share things with, hang out with, talk to and just overall surround myself with. I now understand that my mother was right when she would say, "People come into your life for a reason and a season." This is soooo true. If they stick around longer than one season, guess what? They stay with you through the good, the bad and the ugly. I have noticed who has been around me for all of that. (you know who you are.) I have noticed that my circle of people around me has grown smaller. I have noticed that my phone doesn't ring that much, I have noticed that I only hang out with a very few select people. This does not bother me one bit, but it does tell me who survived the purge and who hasn't. It also tells me who was meant to stick around for longer than one season. The older I get the more I don't have time to be "pretend" friends with people. I either like you or I don't, I don't bullshit anything. I don't have time for that. I don't have time to be fake to someone just because it's something that is socially accepted as a norm. IF you know me I do not fit into the norm. I hate the norm...the word normal makes my skin crawl.
You don't just have to clean out a closet or organize a room in your house to purge things from your life, sometimes people have to be purged too. It is about you being authentic and true to who you are and if someone does not fit into your life, their season is up and its time to move on.
Be kind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)