I have struggled with self esteem probably for most of my life. Confidence for me came in the realm of being good in school, playing the flute and doing cute little craft items. I never really had a sense of "beauty." Of course my parents told me and all my sisters that we were beautiful, but you can hear it and still believe it's not true.
When I got to college, I seemed to have come into my own. I was very social, had two jobs, got to know a lot of people and pretty much felt pretty all through college. But looking back on it, it seemed to be a false beauty. It was oh, "you are the curly haired girl with the blue eyes...: I was known for being a good student, a good tour guide, able to talk to anyone, a sorority girl, (yes, I was in a sorority and I loved it.), I was that girl, along with many other girls I went to school with. We were labeled based on our outer appearance for the most part. Again, the sense of my outer appearance mattered more to people than what I was capable of doing. It is apparent to me know that my outer appearance then was a direct reflection of my inner self; I valued being told I was pretty, I valued people telling me that I looked good in that outfit and that they wanted to buy me a drink and so on.
I continued my education and got my Master's and then my teaching certification. I got my teaching job in 2011 and that lasted until 2014.(if you want to know why such a short teaching spell, look in the archieves and you can read about the incident.) In the fall of 2014 I started my degree program in Curriculum Design and Instruction and will finish this December. YEAH! I will then start the next phase of my education in January of 2017 with my Doctoral classes for my ED.d in Curriculum. (Do I love school or what?) I have a lot of my plate, but I am determined and I have a great support system to help me achieve my goals. But back to my original thought, When I started this program I will finish this fall, I learned something about myself, my true authentic self wasn't being projected to others. I was the woman that would drive two hours to class once a week and say very little in class. (Social anxiety is one of my issues, until I get comfortable with people.)
Again, pulling it back to the real thought behind this, boy I can get lost on tangents...so my true self was not being projected the way that I wanted it to be. I was still unsure of my own ability to actually survive this program and the daunting task of writing and defending a dissertation, etc. It wasn't until about October that I seemed to have found my stride. I happen to notice my twin was wrapping her hair for fashion reasons. I was intrigued and started looking into it myself. I did some googling and stumbled on a website and Youtube channel all about wrapping tichels. The wrap for Jewish woman once they are married. But through my digging, it was not just Torah observant Jews that were wearing the tichels, woman of all backgrounds were wearing these beautiful wraps for a multitude of reasons. I felt a calling to try to it, so I did. I had a sizable collection of scarves already, so I dipped my toes in and went for it.
By the end of October I was wrapping exclusively outside of the house. I don't wrap at home, since my husband loves to see my hair, down....but I am typically running around doing things, that it is up in a bun. When I started wrapping and learning all these beautiful ways to do the tichels, I noticed that I was walking taller, speaking louder, and felt more confident. I started to thinking to myself, this is me. This is the me that I have been looking for all these years. I am no longer the woman with the curly hair. I am more than my hair. People didn't reach out to touch my hair-by the way if someone did that- they got the death stare and I would also do the Star Wars Jedi mind trick and try to smush their brain. Sidetracked again. Men did and no not look at me for what I am wearing and my hair, they do not objective me based on these outward things anymore.
I am a PERSON in the world and that is what I strive to be. It is truly hard to explain why I started covering full time, but the best way to describe it, it is my authentic self. It is my shield from the outside world that will judge me based on my outside appearance, rather then what is in my head and my ability to do my job well. Yes, people still comment on the blue eyes, but I can't do much about that. I am not my hair, the tichel is my way of letting people know that I am more than my hair. I want you to focus on my words, my intelligence, my ability to complete a job with skill. I don't need you wondering if my hair is naturally curly or that it must take a lot of work to do every morning. (the answer to both of those questions is YES. ) I am not ashamed of my hair, being biracial, I have a distinct love for my hair. I come from two cultures that have created a blend that is exceptional. I know how to take care of my hair, I know that my hair is beautiful to others, but I am protecting that beauty with me wrapping. I am protecting myself from being put in a box of "just another pretty woman using her looks to get ahead." What is under that wrap is what matters, well what is under the wrap, under the hair and in my skull is what is important...what comes out of my mouth because of that big old smushy thing is what matters. My words and actions allow me to be authentic and wearing the tichel allows others to focus on both of those without distraction. WOW...a lot to ponder!
Be kind.
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