Awake

Aware of what goes on around you most of the time, but not really sure of where you belong

Wayward to the point of almost knowing where you will be at the end of the road

Always able to feel more than others and taking in more than you should

Knowing that you will wake up feeling just as exhausted as you did when you went to sleep

Eeverything weighs you down, as if you are on the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim

My reality, I'm still Awake.

Be kind.

How will you be seen?

I am the 23 chromosomes of a descendants of slaves
I am the curly haired, straight nose, blue eyed, thick lipped contradiction to your white washed world
I am that one drop rule that makes me unacceptable to the majority

It's ok to grab and comment on my body, take advantage of and have to live with it just have people say, "Boys will be boys," or "It's just locker room talk."
It's my fault for not bringing up the situation when it happened...blame me for being traumatized and told it won't go anywhere, even if I did say something.

My illness is real, but will it be treated as such?
Will I and so many others be mocked by you and told it's all in our heads?
Will my sister have to worry about the quality of life her youngest son will have because of his "disability?"

Will the covering I wear on my head, the covering that my Muslim friends wear become more of a threat to you and your "policy making?"
Shipping costs are going to rise with you in office if you try to ship off all of the "NON-AMERICANS"(none of us are true Americans) ; only those battling over that pipeline will be left.

Walls. I do not want to be on the same side of the wall that you stand.
No one will build this wall for you.

Will the hatred that you preach like a sermon from your racist pulpit, divide our country more than ever before?
You have opened "Pandora's Box" and it doesn't seem to want to close...
Too many wounds have been opened- made deeper by your words, words of your followers, words from a man who claims to be the voice of the people.
If you ARE the voice of the people, I beg of you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You do NOT speak for me.
You will NEVER speak for me.

Election day is in one week...please take your vote seriously and exercise your right to vote. VOTE...don't think that your voice does not matter; it does!

Be kind.

What are you so afraid of?

What are you so afraid of?
Am I hurting you in any way?
Are your children in danger if they walk past me in the street?
Will you be scared in some way if I speak to you and ask you for directions, because I am not from around here, you see?
How long are you going to stare at me, before you just walk away and mutter a slur under your breath?
What will it take for you to see that I am not a threat, but a lesson for you instead?
Why do you have such a distaste for a glorious piece of fabric?
Do you stop to ask me why I wear this crown or do you just assume something with your hateful stares?
What is it that is in the fabric that triggers you to grab for my covering and yell at me?
Why are you so afraid?
Do you know me, to be afraid of me and the garment I have chosen to adorn MY head with?
Have you come to the conclusion that I am just another one of "them" that needs to "go back to where they came from!"? But in reality, we all originated from one spot!
Our origins are intertwined, but you do not see that, you only see what frightens you...
What are you so afraid of?
It's just a beautiful scarf that means many different things to so many different people.
What are you so afraid of?

This is for all the women AND men who have ever been harassed for the choice to cover for whatever reason. Covering is a personal choice and no one should ever have to fear for their safety because of a personal choice they have made for THEMSELVES!

Be kind to each other.

35 things I know to be true...

Since my birthday was Monday, thought I would reflect on a few things. Here are 35 things that I know to be true in my life. (Again, these are things that I KNOW TO BE TRUE, you may not agree, but when it's your birthday-make up your own damn list!)

1. I am a year older, and still don't have more than about five people I actually would physically hang out with in person. (This does not include family members.)

2. I curse more than ever before. Sometimes you just have to say FUCK! It's just warranted for the situation and sometimes it's not, but it still just needs to come out.

3. My relationship with my family members is not constant-it is a live organism and constantly changing day by day. Sometimes radio silence can make a huge difference.

4. I have come to terms with who I am as a person with a mental illness. Thanks to the support of my husband a great team of doctors and therapy team, I am finally learning to advocate for myself.

5. I like baseball. WTF? Yes,I like a sport- I like an actual team, I have a jersey,I am actually watching them right now-go Cubbies!

6. I think my twin sister values her friendship when other friends more than she values mine. Just being honest. Problem of social media- you see things that hurt your feelings. Brew fest here this weekend, asked a month ago- there was a no given, but you are at one with a former sorority sister I haven't talked to in over 15year, but you have become close...because she seems to fit into your lifestyle better. Oh well.

7. This list is going to take a long damn time to make!

8.i have been tested over the last two years in ways that I could have never imagined. But like a Phoenix I rise.

9. I love teaching more than I I thought I did. I love being able to substitute while finishing my degree...it keeps me grounded in a profession that is my calling.

10. I pretty much have an overall distrust of many new people that enter my life. It's a trust thing...I can determine if I like someone pretty quickly.

11. Sometimes my family likes to shrug off my decisions not to do somethings as being part of my diagnosis. I will tell you if it has something to do with it. It is not the only reason, I do or don't do things in my life. Now that I can advocate for myself, the dynamic has shifted and I feel they don't understand that.

12. I am in a relationship that gets better by the day, I am happy I found a man that is goofy and willing to out up oddness, watching Christmas movies, obsession with hairless cats, yarn collection, and my need for madea. 

13. I have a love hate relationship with my treadmill, we are working on that. We are seeking counseling. We will get through it.

14. I want a copy of the CDC's zombie survival booklet. Come on, when shit goes down, don't you want to be ready? There is none of this trail by error crap like the Walking Dead.

15. I gained weight. Once I hit 30, my body said, fuck it, you are on meds that of course weight gain is a side effect, so why not gain 25 extra pounds? Why not? It will be fun!!

16. I have a problem with Christmas socks. It's real- I knew it was a problem whe it hit 35 pairs. Do I need to speak to someone about this? Not at all.

17. Am I going to have children? The question of question...don't know what is true about that one yet-check back next year on that one.

18. I am an old soul. 

19. I am a nerd. I honestly have very little in common with many people I met, and find it awkward to chit-chat about mundane things in life. 

20. I know that I am voting, are you? I won't be voting for Trump...that's all I will say. No, that doesn't mean that because I have lady bits, I will be voting for the female candidate, there are other options-I will leave it at that. 

21. Again, this is taking forever to to do, with I had just turned 21...I'd be finished!!!

22. I secretly love one Justin Beiber song...well, it out there now, no more secret. 

23. I hate candy corn and peeps. Whoever came up with them should be water boarded!

24.-35 ok, to finish this list, I must just defer to a few sentences that sum up the past year of my life. I have struggled more than I think I ever have I my life, personally and professionally. I have learned that I must be a caretaker sometimes, even when I didn't think I could. I am exhausted beyond belief when it comes to school,but I have to find the strength to finish; I am so close. I know that it is for the betterment of my professional ad personal life for me to continue on with my academic goals. I have had to support my partner more than ever in a life changing choice,not knowing the outcome. (I am a planner- so that was difficult-but I pushed through.) I am tired right now, this baseball game is going on get than I hoped and I am sitting in fleece pjs so I kinda won't to head to bed...but my hubby is a little loud when the Cubs are playing.

Be kind

Something in this will possible offend (read if you like)...

Just from the title, you have been warned. I am not meaning to offend anyone. I just feel that people are so sensitive to what is going on politically, that it is spilling over into other aspects of out lives and people are getting offended by the smallest things. Alright, things that offend me: racism, discrimination of ANY kind, homophobia, Islamophobia and really just any type of hatred or blatant disregard for another's basic human rights, because you don't feel that they are doing something you don't like, or it goes against your values/belief system. There...now you know what offends me...oh there is one more thing, wearing socks with sandals- please don't do this!

Ok, here goes:
1. I curse a lot... I say FUCK or SHIT at least ten times a day. I am an educated woman and I know a shit-ton of words, but sometimes ( see right there, I could have used a different word, but it didn't work out for me, ) these words come out and to be honest, I am perfectly ok with cursing someone out and calling them on their bullshit. Yes, I can have a conversation without these words, I do it regularly, but as my mother says, "sometimes you just end up cursing like a sailor and it is what it is." Now, am I going to curse you out just for the hell of it, NO, there must be just cause. I don't go looking for people to curse out, but if you open yourself up; and by that I mean, you say and do things repeatedly  that are degrading and disrespectful to myself or people I know or even people i don't know...prepare yourself for a battle royal.
2.Please don't say someone is disgusting just because their way of life is different than yours. That mean, just because you don't agree with it, and it goes against what you want in your life, doesn't give you the right to say it's bad for the other person. Last time I check, people had free will.
3. The concept of gender...I don't care what/who you identify as or who you love or don't have a relationship with. All I care about is: are you a good person. If gender is fluid then so be it, float on one way or another and stop where you like. Again, I don't care. Please don't let anyone define who you are or should be. OH yeah, that is something that pisses me off...when people try to tell others WHO they are. Again, last time I checked people had free will and can be whatever they would like.
4. DON'T force your beliefs on me or others. If i have questions about something in your life, guess what I will ask. Same goes for me. If you want to know something, just ask. Everything that is holy on this earth, please do not try to force your beliefs on me. I am more likely to come at you with a "Fuck off," or "what is this Shit?" rather than welcome your forced interpretation of something onto my being. So back up. We can discuss these things that are different between us, I like discussions.  I am an adult, I have kind of already made up my mind about a few things in my life, but thanks.
5.Now the fun stuff...Turmp or Hilary? Honestly...I know I am voting. I know I am NOT voting for Trump. Beyond that, it's personal and I would like to keep that private. (I have three options other than Trump.) I am so tired of the back and forth, it's getting to be a battlefield. The things that people are saying about supports on both sides is disgusting. I am a teacher, I teach government, I honestly am happy I am NOT teaching full time right now this election year. I am happy that I decided to go back to school and do not have to deal with the questions and heated conversations that would consume my class because of this election. Yes, they would consume my class, as I am sure it is consuming many classrooms around the country. This is a defining moment in our country. We will either be electing a Douche Bag, Bigot, or a woman with a proven past in politics, (yes, she has a questionable past- hell all politicians have a sketchy past.) We shall, see. But damnit, if I hear someone say "the lesser of two evils" one more time, I swear I might explode from the stupidity. THink about the statement! The lesser of two evils...so that is saying that they are both EVIL, but you are going with the least evil. Does that even make sense? Again, you have two more choices- write in and third party candidate.
6. Do I agree with kneeling during the Anthem. Well, as a biracial woman, who has seen and dealt with racism, who also has family that has served in the military and is a direct decedent of slaves...yes I am 125% ok with the silent protest of taking a knee during the anthem. Come, on people, he wasn't being disrespectful- he wasn't yelling or running around, he just simply took a knee in SILENCE. which he has every right to do. There is no law that says one has to stand during the anthem and place your hand over your heart. There is no law that says you have to sing the song. Nope...nothing stating any of that as law. Personally, if I were a young child and I saw a athlete do this, I would ask questions, Why is he doing this? There you go mom and dad-teachable moments- those darn teachers are always talking about!  Instead of getting upset over someone being quiet and doing his SILENT protest during the anthem, why don't you get upset that black men are being killed at alarming rates? Why don't you get upset, that Muslim woman are having their hijabs ripped off them in the streets and called horrible names? Why don't you get mad, that a child is sitting on the corner of busy street begging for food? Why don't you get mad that woman are being cat called and touched walking down busy streets and afraid for their safety? Why are you mad that the number of sexual assaults on college campuses has risen? Why don't you get mad that the attacks on transgender females is increasing? Why don't you get mad that our mental health system is not doing justice to the tens of thousands of people who suffer everyday from an illness?

I am not intentionally trying to offend anyone, that is never my intention. I just like to brings things to the forefront and start discussions.  As a teacher, I had to play devil's advocate a lot, so maybe that is what I tend to do in my life in general. I poke the sleeping bear most of the time.

Be kind.

White girl staring back...

I am the woman who does not try to explain what it is like to be black, because all you see in me is the "white girl" staring back.

It is hard to explain what is it like to be me, when you see one thing and I say I am something completely opposite to what you see. I most certainly identify as a biracial woman. When I was little and had to fill in the bubbles on race for state tests, I thought it isn't fair that all my friends get to fill in a bubble with a color next to it, and I get OTHER. Yeah, even at a young age I knew that I was different from others. Just look at my family...my mother is black, father white, sister black, sister japanese, and a twin sister. Starting to get the picture? We were told as little girls that we were biracial- or mixed. (Which by the way that word makes me cringe...I am not a swirl box cake where you mix the white cake with the chocolate cake. I am a person people.) Alright, sorry about that, had to make that point... I am biracial, heck I am multiracial, just thinking about all the places my ancestors come from, but far beyond all of that I am a black woman. Now, back in the day, it was the one drop rule... one drop of black in you and you were, you guessed it BLACK. Today you would think that a rule like that wouldn't even come into play, or would it?

When I say my mother is black, the look of people's faces contorts, I mean they really are hurting their brain trying to figure out how that is even possible. Yes, folks even in our socially "progressive" world we live in, no wait...we are having a lot of issues with race relations. Let me backtrack, we are not progressive when it comes to race. Now, some people would like to live in their own little happy world and think that we are, but it's just not so. Unicorns do not exist and we still can't talk about race in this country without people getting upset or getting their feeling hurt.

Now, I have said this before, any conversation about race is not going to be fun. A person of any minority is not going to remain calm during these discussions, and then they will be called the "Angry...so and so." Well, when you have lived with being treated as less all your life, it is hard to not be upset and speak with passion about how you feel unwelcome in a country that you were born in and your ancestors helped to build. Now, getting your feelings hurt as a white person in a discussion on race, because you feel that you are being portrayed as racist or you have certain stereotypes about persons of color, get over it. NO ONE is here to make you feel better about not being a racists. That is great if you aren't, good for you, but you don't get a medal. If you are looking for validation in a conversation on why there are so many issues dealing with race relations in this country, you are part of the problem. You do not get rewarded for not being a racist. You do get respect when you choose to stand up to racism that is happening at the restaurant you are having lunch at. You get respect when you call out a blatantly racist act and make people accountable for their actions. That is what you get.

So, when I say I am not going to try to explain that I am black, it's simple, I am not going to. I am who I am because I know who I am. I do not need to explain my 'blackness" to you and help you try to understand that part of me. Besides, you wouldn't even know to ask me, since all you see is a white girl staring back.