Happy Birthday to ME!

I am another year older, a little bit wiser, and oh so HAPPY. No really, I am happy. I have a mother and father who love me unconditionally, sisters that make me laugh and a husband that knows me well enough to buy me bear claw slippers to make me smile.

This is going to be short and sweet.  I am surrounded by happy people and things, that it is getting easier and easier to be happy for MYSELF. After my appointments this week with my doctor, having other people tell me " I look and sound like I am doing much better." And I am. So with that, I will say "Happy Birthday to ME!!!"

be kind today.

Karma is a Bitch and her sister's name is Joy...

I sat down here to finish my term papers for class, but started thinking about all the things that are swirling around in my head. I did a presentation on world religions for my class on cultural proficiency this week and I talked a lot about Karma and its significance in life and in the Hindu religion as a whole. For those of you that may not know what the concept of Karma is, it deals with how you live your current, present life and it's impact it will have on your next life. Now if you don't believe in reincarnation, then this makes no sense to you and you do not have to continue to read this post. But basically, if you are a good person, and you live and follow dharma, you will come back as something greater than before in your next life.  This is something that has always fascinated me about the religion, you get more than one chance to get it right. I love that idea. 

I have over the last few days come to realization that some people will have a hard time with this Karma thing. They are good people on the outside, meaning they seem like everything is happy and everything is good, but on the inside they neglect the most personal and fundamental concept of being a good person- How you TREAT others.  They may be really good to themselves and the people that are in their inner circle, but to those closest to them, they disregard them and disregard what these people have given to them in the past when they were in need.  They look down on people that do not fit their model of what life should be lived like. They act as though everyone will bow down to them because of the things they have and the people they know. Little do they know that the stars are not aligning in order for them, they are in a cosmic turmoil because of how they treat people. 

Being about to treat people, all people, with the respect and dignity they deserve is hard. I am guilty of being judgmental and harsh towards people I don't know, and I have sense learned that I was wrong for this. I am a easier person to deal with because I see value in all God's creatures and I see that not everyone is made the way I would like them to be. I have had to reflect on my transgressions that I have placed on people in the past and have to apologize numerous times to make my Karma right. I am at my wits ends with certain people and can't come to terms with how they have treated me and those that I love dearly. They act as though they are better than and that I and others should be beholden to them for them taking the time to be around me. I don't have agendas when I am with people I say I care for. I just want to be around them. I cherish the conversation and time I have with these people and take nothing more than that away from the experiences I have with them. 

This might seem incoherent and jumbled, it is partly, because my mind is thinking of my term papers, school models, and action plans. I apologize if you can't follow my train of thought, but I promise there is a reason for this little rant...Karma is real, people say it all the time; "Karma will catch up with you." I believe this to be true. But be warned if Karma is a Bitch and if she doesn't catch up to you, her sister Joy is a bigger Bitch to deal with. 

Be kind to others and know that you can only be you and no one else, so choose you! 

Common Sense

My mother sat me down yesterday and told me I have common sense. To paraphrase, she said the issues I have to deal with emotionally  has nothing to do with how I respond to the things that are going on in my life. I need to put that stuff aside and focus on the bigger picture and that is peace. She continued to say that I know what I am doing and I just need to keep doing it. She is a wonder of a woman. With her and my father breaking things down for me, I am blessed. They have always been there to protect and fight for me when I needed them. They have seen me at my lowest over the last year and they still protect and fight for me to this day. My mother continues with her tough NURSE RATCHET brand of love and tells me that I have a husband that will support me in whatever I do. (They think a lot alike and its a little scary sometimes how one will say something the other just told me the day before.) It was a "come to Jesus" moment with the Msgt that afternoon. I am a smart woman and know when I have been wronged, I understand that the situation I was dealt with was unjust. She told me that all I need to use is that common sense she knows I have. I don't need to let my emotional demons that are inside of me dictate how I handle things. I fight the common sense, because it is easier to cry and be emotional about what is going on at the moment in regards to the "incident." It is easier to just walk away and throw my hands up and say I just want to be done with it. But here is the kicker, I fortunately come from a family of fighters, therefore it's in my blood and I can not walk away from this without throwing at least a few punches to scuff up the (pardon my language) son of a bitch that screwed me out of a job I loved and was good at. My momma has my back and with her words of wisdom about using the common sense God gave me, today when I got three emails from the attorney and spoke to him on the phone, I was able to breath and take it all in. I was able to say with a firm, unwavering voice that I truly understood what he was saying. I say "I know, " a lot in conversations I am having with my husband and my parents and they know I am not really taking it all in, but today was the day I took it all in.  I was able to breath a sigh of relief after getting off the phone and had a grasp of what was said. Momma knows best and in this case it is for real. If all else false I know my momma will just come down here and take out everyone that caused her baby girl pain and she will be yelling from the top of her lungs, "PIMP DOWN!!!" as she does it.

I love everything that my momma is and ever will be in my life. My father has been a solid rock of advice and would bail my momma out in a heartbeat. My husband would be there probably in shock and awe, but I would just have to remind him that is how the Mamie Davis in us rolls and he married into the family so he just gets to go along with it :)

Be kind today.  

Size doesn't matter...

My husband told me about a news story that was talking about how Kendall Jenner, sister to Kim Kardashian was told she was too fat to be a runway model. Really, she is in her early twenties and probably has no body fat whatsoever... This brings me to my post today. I was a size 3-4 all through college and up until three years ago. I never had anyone call me fat or did I have a negative image of myself. It wasn't until I started to gain weight because of medication and health issues, that people started treating me differently. Once you are no longer the in the 120 lbs range people start to ask questions and say things that come off really wrong. For example: "have you worked out?", "do you eat a lot of fast food and junk food?" "Do you know you have gained weight?" The answer to these questions is irrelevant, but what gives people that are considered, "skinny" the right to ask these questions of a person that has gained weight. I don't go around asking you if you "ate a burger" in the last year or if you "ate at all today."  I have been struggling with getting my medicine just right so that the exercise and clean eating I am doing can help me lose the weight I have gained over the last three years. I am not blind to the fact that I have gained weight, and I don't need people to point it out to me. There is no nice way to say "wow, you look great, but I have noticed you have put on some pounds lately."  Anyone who has dealt with this battle understands that even if you do everything like you are supposed to, sometimes it takes longer to lose the weight than you want and it can be frustrating. I have a double whammy, I have depression coupled with weight gain due to my medication. So, if my pants don't fit right or I don't feel comfortable in my self one day, that can trigger an episode of baby depression for the day. I have been fighting back against this and now that if not now when? No more excuses as to why I am not losing the weight, my husband is doing everything in his power to keep me motivated and help me feel better about myself. I am working hard to remind myself, that it's just a number and size doesn't matter, as long as I am healthy and happy.

Be kind today.

Redos

There have been several days over the last few weeks that I wish I could just redo. As in rewind and start from the beginning, before the meltdown. If i could start from the moment just before the meltdown, I would be able to pin point why the meltdown is about to happen and prevent it from happening. So, I declare that as a person that suffers from anxiety/panic and depression disorder, I am ALLOWED to have redos. I am allowed to say "wait a moment, give me a second to think things over and let me collect myself, so that my meltdown isn't as catastrophic as it could be." Heck even if you don't suffer from anything, if you need to redo the moment, do it! Its not just about saying you were wrong in how you reacted to something, its about letting yourself know that its ok to have these moments and its ok to take the time to reflect on why this is happening. I really can't stand it when people tell me to relax and just get over it. Really? If it were that easy, I wouldn't need a pill box the size of a dvd player. Those words are probably the most annoying things to hear when you deal with this on a daily basis. Its not something you can just "get over and ignore." It is a  daily struggle to have a good day, and dammit if I am having a bad day and declare a redo of a moment in that day you better believe I am going to redo it! The way you feel when you mentally are just tired and can't think straight is probably the hardest thing to explain to people that have never dealt with this kind of thing before. Your brain is so overloaded that you can't think straight and its hard to keep your emotions from bubbling over. Its like you are on fire and there is no one around to put the fire out.  I hope that I will not have to redo a lot next week, the next day or even the next few hours. But again, if I have to take that moment to redo the moment, I will and do that moment over with more forethought and patience for myself and the entire situation.

Be kind today.

Medical Haze

I am sitting at my computer and several things are fighting for my attention. I am trying not to go ham on the dog who has been barking for about 10 minutes straight because she has felt a change in the force. I am also annoyed that my computer fan is running really loud and I am afraid it might explode or just stop working.  I have been sick since last Wednesday, so the observations through the eyes of a medically induced haze is always eye opening. I am probably dehydrated and need to sleep more... back the dog barking she is so going in her kennel in about two seconds. I have about five assignments I have started and am ahead of for classes, but I feel as though I could do more, even though none of them are due for about three weeks. Ok, the force is back to normal, she stopped barking-for now, which means the mailman has embarked onto the next street. My mind is racing with thoughts, I had a dream that I was the protector of the library and I blasted about ten people who didn't pay their fines or lost books and weren't willing to buy the book. OK, yes this sounds silly, but I library fines are serious business and need to be taken seriously... I also dreamed that I was knitting a bridge across a river... no clue where that came from. And the force has changed again... the dog is like a jedi she can feel the change and then runs from window to window trying to figure out what is causing said change. My eyes are crossing so its a good time to stop typing... excuse the random thoughts, but Nyquil is some serious stuff and this is the result of it.

Be kind.

Got to have FAITH

Sometimes you are faced with choices that are hard to make. Do I want to take the easy way out and just walk away, or do I "stick it to the MAN" and potentially walk away with nothing in the end?  This is what I am faced with at the moment, and it's weighing on me very heavily. I feel like I should take the moral high ground and continue my fight for what is right and finally get people to be accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am stuck thinking about the material gain I potentially get from this with the "stick it to the MAN." aspect. SO i posed the question is it better to choose the material gain and walk away, still knowing that justice was not served, or do I continue the struggle and hope for the best possible outcome?  Is there a plan that I am supposed to know about? Or is this one of those moments in life where you just have to have faith and know that what you are doing is in good faith and it will all work out for the best.  I am new to the whole faith deal, so walking into something blindly is hard for me to do and I am taking everything into consideration.  This is potentially the biggest decision I have had to make to date and might be the biggest I face in a long time. I am going to leave this up to faith and know that whatever happens I am still a stronger version of the person that crumbled and broke down six months ago!

Be kind today.