I have a card on my bulletin board that says "Life is Beautiful Ride." Really? This by no means is meant to be a Debbie Downer, but is life really that great everyday, for everyone? Nope. Some days suck more than others and sometimes you just have a bad day. Does that make life horrible, well it depends. I would say that if you have more bad days then good, yeah life kinda sucks for you and that ride isn't as pretty for you. If you have a horrible day here and there then ok, life isn't that bad for you. Like right now, I am bored out of my mind, I have been waiting for my classes to start- I am completed homework readings and assignments for the first three weeks of class- and I am calling everyone in my family to talk to them. Is this a bad day, yeah kinda...boredom can lead to a bad day, where you just don't want to do anything. Is this one day of boredom and lazy feeling going to make my life ugly, not really, but it is a blemish on what is otherwise the beautiful skin of life. MY life skin is a little blemished from the bad days I had over the last few years, but guess what? I have super strength zit cream that is clearing it up pretty well. If I have learned anything over the last year, you don't dwell on the small stuff and you celebrate the big things in life. That is what makes life truly beautiful.
Be kind today.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Children and why I may never have any....
Disclaimer...I like children of all ages, newborn through high school. Hell I teach high school students, I even like them. Please as a parent do not take this as an attack on you as parents or that I hate your children. I have many friends who have children that I like. Just wanted to throw that out there before you read any further.
About a year ago my then boyfriend (now husband) were sitting on the couch watching the cheerios commercial with the adorable little mixed girl on, and I turned to him and said "We could have one of them someday?" I have referred to children as "it", "them", "curtain crawlers-thanks to my father, I love this one!", "Little shrunken adults", "aliens" and "monsters." To be honest I like children from a far, if they can go home to their parents and I don't have to deal with them I like them. Being a teacher I honestly do love my students, but the best thing is at the end of the day, they go home! (No really I care about my students A LOT!!!)
Working in a high school gives you perspective on having children. You get to see what the "cute little people" will become and sometimes it's not pretty. Teaching can be the best birth control ever invented. You encounter great kids and then not so great kids. The not so great kids, most of the time I could win them over with my wit and sarcasm, but then they would turn around and act a fool in another class just after telling me they would be good. See as a teacher I can smell and see bull shit before it has even hit the fan. I have a sixth sense for it. Now its not just the children that are good at demonstrating why I do not want and or need children in the foreseeable future...the parents also give me a glimpse of why I don't want children.
Parents seem very happy when their children are small and have limited motor skills and can't talk back to them. They think its cute to post pictures of their children at various stages of their development for all the family and friends to share in on the joy of childhood. But there seems to be a shift in the paradigm once the child can walk, talk and take a shit on their own. Parents don't look happy once their children hit puberty. And again, teaching high school I can understand why they don't look happy. Teenagers can drain the life out of you. Parents that end up with the "bad" kids are often clueless to the fact that their child is actually as bad as the teachers say they are. Parents with the "good" kids will drive the teacher mad with all the stupid crap they try to pull to make sure their child stays on top. Parents become just as bad as the children...no wait its where they learn these self-serving, I deserve the world and I am better than everyone else and I am going to challenge everything you say mentalities that drive me mad!
I have been seeing all the pictures of children's first day of 3rd grade, kindergarten, etc...and yes that is cute. But come on its just the first day of school! My parents didn't take a damn picture of me and my sisters going off to school, you know why-because its just school! Again if you do these things its fine, its your thing, but I am just voicing my opinion. No harsh feelings, I can take it or leave it, its just not for me.
My parents are blessed that they have 7 grandchildren now, and with my twin falling in love with all the babies she works with, they might get 8 out of the whole deal. But as for me, I don't really see it in my future.I don't like doing laundry now for two people, I can't imagine having to do more laundry to accommodate children-since I guess you have to put them in clean clothes everyday.
Children are wonderful and I love teaching them, but I love it when they go home too. I do not have the gene that tells you want to be a mommy when you grow up, and I am happy that I don't. I can't see myself enjoying poop and being peed on and laughing about it. YUCK! It's not for me and to be honest I am getting older and I like just having dogs, they do their own thing, they are happy if I throw a ball and walk them around the block. They live a simple life and that is for me.
Children are great as long as I don't have to raise them and they go home with their parents after my time has expired with them. Again this is not a bash on parents and children, just my thoughts. Enjoy your life and I will enjoy my childless life- to each their own.
Be kind today.
About a year ago my then boyfriend (now husband) were sitting on the couch watching the cheerios commercial with the adorable little mixed girl on, and I turned to him and said "We could have one of them someday?" I have referred to children as "it", "them", "curtain crawlers-thanks to my father, I love this one!", "Little shrunken adults", "aliens" and "monsters." To be honest I like children from a far, if they can go home to their parents and I don't have to deal with them I like them. Being a teacher I honestly do love my students, but the best thing is at the end of the day, they go home! (No really I care about my students A LOT!!!)
Working in a high school gives you perspective on having children. You get to see what the "cute little people" will become and sometimes it's not pretty. Teaching can be the best birth control ever invented. You encounter great kids and then not so great kids. The not so great kids, most of the time I could win them over with my wit and sarcasm, but then they would turn around and act a fool in another class just after telling me they would be good. See as a teacher I can smell and see bull shit before it has even hit the fan. I have a sixth sense for it. Now its not just the children that are good at demonstrating why I do not want and or need children in the foreseeable future...the parents also give me a glimpse of why I don't want children.
Parents seem very happy when their children are small and have limited motor skills and can't talk back to them. They think its cute to post pictures of their children at various stages of their development for all the family and friends to share in on the joy of childhood. But there seems to be a shift in the paradigm once the child can walk, talk and take a shit on their own. Parents don't look happy once their children hit puberty. And again, teaching high school I can understand why they don't look happy. Teenagers can drain the life out of you. Parents that end up with the "bad" kids are often clueless to the fact that their child is actually as bad as the teachers say they are. Parents with the "good" kids will drive the teacher mad with all the stupid crap they try to pull to make sure their child stays on top. Parents become just as bad as the children...no wait its where they learn these self-serving, I deserve the world and I am better than everyone else and I am going to challenge everything you say mentalities that drive me mad!
I have been seeing all the pictures of children's first day of 3rd grade, kindergarten, etc...and yes that is cute. But come on its just the first day of school! My parents didn't take a damn picture of me and my sisters going off to school, you know why-because its just school! Again if you do these things its fine, its your thing, but I am just voicing my opinion. No harsh feelings, I can take it or leave it, its just not for me.
My parents are blessed that they have 7 grandchildren now, and with my twin falling in love with all the babies she works with, they might get 8 out of the whole deal. But as for me, I don't really see it in my future.I don't like doing laundry now for two people, I can't imagine having to do more laundry to accommodate children-since I guess you have to put them in clean clothes everyday.
Children are wonderful and I love teaching them, but I love it when they go home too. I do not have the gene that tells you want to be a mommy when you grow up, and I am happy that I don't. I can't see myself enjoying poop and being peed on and laughing about it. YUCK! It's not for me and to be honest I am getting older and I like just having dogs, they do their own thing, they are happy if I throw a ball and walk them around the block. They live a simple life and that is for me.
Children are great as long as I don't have to raise them and they go home with their parents after my time has expired with them. Again this is not a bash on parents and children, just my thoughts. Enjoy your life and I will enjoy my childless life- to each their own.
Be kind today.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
content
I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am CONTENT. The stars are aligning just right to push away the negative things and people in my life and bringing forth things and people in my life that need to be there. It is not easy to say these words. For me, it has taken 32 years to be able to say this without a bit of sarcasm attached to the words. Through my treatment and basically getting my shit together to understand that its not me that was the problem it was the environment I was in that was bringing me down. I am not passing the blame, a lot of pressure was my own doing, but I learned to stop aspiring to perfection. There is no such thing and I won't ever be perfect. I have evolved into someone that allows things to roll off her shoulders and I have learned not to stress over small things. I will continually evolve, but I will be content with the outcome. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, I am better! I will not be the same person 3 years from now...and that is ok. Haven't yet decided if I am going to be Dr. Hatley, Dr. Hatley-Boone or just Dr. Boone. No matter what I choose I will be content with my choice.
Be kind today.
Be kind today.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Extremely Hard
It is hard for someone like myself to see the good that is in the world, when a lot of the time my mind is set to negative mode. It's not that I think there isn't good out there, its just that the wiring in my brain are a little mixed up and confused about what is really going on. I have been trying for the last two years to get my mind in order to where I can function at my level of "normal." Now I use that word loosely because there is no such thing as normal, but I use it to describe my world without anxiety, panic and depression. I use it to describe getting through a day with more good feelings than bad ones. I use it to describe how I can truly find joy in the things that I loved before the wires got mixed up. My "normal" is not your normal and that is fine. My "normal" is just that, me being me and accepting that I am a work in progress. It is extremely hard to have my "normal" everyday, but I am working as hard as I can to have my "normal" more often than not. I wish that people would try to understand that I am not going to be roses and clowns...that is not me. I am sarcastic, intense and overall a dark person, but a dark person that wants to feel happy most of the time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and being the debbie downer I feel that I can be sometimes. That is the thing with mental illness, you sometimes don't realize how much of a downer you really are, but if you do realize it, it only makes you want to work harder to change that about you. My "normal" is extremely hard to achieve, but I don't give up. I have been working on it for awhile and am getting closer to having more "normal" days.
Be kind
Be kind
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Silence
There are a lot of things that I really want to say to people about things they say, do etc. But you know what I have learned sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Practice some restraint and use the wisdom that God gave you and just say nothing. This is rather hard this day in age, when you can be so passive in the way things are said. Social media has made it easy to hide behind words that you probably wouldn't say in person.
Try this... just be silent when someone says or acts in a way that is contrary to your beliefs. Silence sometimes is the best way to tell someone you disapprove of what they are doing or saying. It cuts like a knife. They think you are gone, but really you are just waiting for karma to catch up to them and then you will know that your silence was for not. It's kind of like your a ninja and who doesn't want to be a ninja?
Be kind
Try this... just be silent when someone says or acts in a way that is contrary to your beliefs. Silence sometimes is the best way to tell someone you disapprove of what they are doing or saying. It cuts like a knife. They think you are gone, but really you are just waiting for karma to catch up to them and then you will know that your silence was for not. It's kind of like your a ninja and who doesn't want to be a ninja?
Be kind
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Life Changes
No these are not the life changes my mom has been talking about for the last few years, those are hormonal changes...but I feel like I have hot flashes all the time! She swears its just the medication, but that has yet to be determined.
How many times in one's life do things not work out the way you had it all planned out? Well, for me I am going to say that over the last three years nothing has really worked out the way I planned them. I got a great job, fell in love, was diagnosed, lost that great job-no sarcastic and or rude comments will be made about the "incident" but I will take a millisecond to think them in my head...ok back to work, decided to go back to school for my Phd and got married just about a week ago. Now that is a lot happening in three years, but I am still here.
If I have learned anything from this, and this has a lot to do with the life talks my mother gives me on the phone when I call her (mind you I have to listen to these as they are terms of the conversation agreement I signed back when I was born.) She has told me everything happens for a reason and a season and I think I have mentioned this before. I am in the season of things are looking up and as she liked to point out to me, I have an amazing man (now husband) standing at my side through all of this. She also tells me that if I just stay positive anything is possible. She is the person that gave me the backbone that I stand tall with today, because she was given that same backbone by her mother and subsequent Davis women before her. I am as my mother likes to call me a "drama queen" and I didn't see this till this past year. After going through the incident, I thought my world was over. But in reality my life was just beginning. I have made life changes that have only benefited me and I am glad that she was along for the ride with me. Of course I am also happy to have a great man who has been there for the good, bad and the ugly with me as well. There are still so many more life changes that will occur in my life, but I know a few things will stay constant; family, close (real) friends and the strength I have to keep moving onward and upward.
Be kind today.
How many times in one's life do things not work out the way you had it all planned out? Well, for me I am going to say that over the last three years nothing has really worked out the way I planned them. I got a great job, fell in love, was diagnosed, lost that great job-no sarcastic and or rude comments will be made about the "incident" but I will take a millisecond to think them in my head...ok back to work, decided to go back to school for my Phd and got married just about a week ago. Now that is a lot happening in three years, but I am still here.
If I have learned anything from this, and this has a lot to do with the life talks my mother gives me on the phone when I call her (mind you I have to listen to these as they are terms of the conversation agreement I signed back when I was born.) She has told me everything happens for a reason and a season and I think I have mentioned this before. I am in the season of things are looking up and as she liked to point out to me, I have an amazing man (now husband) standing at my side through all of this. She also tells me that if I just stay positive anything is possible. She is the person that gave me the backbone that I stand tall with today, because she was given that same backbone by her mother and subsequent Davis women before her. I am as my mother likes to call me a "drama queen" and I didn't see this till this past year. After going through the incident, I thought my world was over. But in reality my life was just beginning. I have made life changes that have only benefited me and I am glad that she was along for the ride with me. Of course I am also happy to have a great man who has been there for the good, bad and the ugly with me as well. There are still so many more life changes that will occur in my life, but I know a few things will stay constant; family, close (real) friends and the strength I have to keep moving onward and upward.
Be kind today.
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