.Sampson and Delilah

When I first brought Delilah home to be a companion for my other beagle, Sampson, I had no idea what I was getting into. Sampson suffers from epilepsy and I thought having a friend around during the day would keep him calm and help to prevent seizures. She would sit and Sampson would just lick and clean her ears. (Something he does now to Ali his new sister.) Lilah taught Sampson how to howl...before I got her, Sampson was a mute beagle. He had never heard another dog bark before so he had no reason to do so. In many ways Lilah and Sampson were meant for each other. They would run around the house and just sit curled up on the bench in the window and watch for their humans. Sampson chose me as his human and to this day he is my little baby. Lilah on the other hand chose my father as her human. She would sit right outside his bedroom door and just watch him doing things around the house. She was a pretty smart dog, that spot allowed her to see everything that was going on in the house without actually getting up. Sampson would sit there with her sometimes and they would cuddle. When Sampson would have a seizure, Lilah would lay next to him and wait patiently for it to be over. She would then stick by his side for the rest of the day. Lilah was my baby girl. She was a handful but I loved every bit of that dog.

When Lilah started to grow a tumor on her throat, Sampson started to clean her ears more and more. He would sleep with her and make sure she was ok. When it came time to say goodbye to her and send her to doggie heaven, I wasn't able to be there. I look back on it and wish I had spent more time with her and Sampson. (I still wish I could have both of my beagles with me now) I had just started my second year of teaching and was headed out of town for a field trip. My twin went to the house to see the dogs on a Thursday, and everything seemed fine. She said they were playing and Lilah seemed ok. When my father got home, he noticed that her breathing was getting really bad. The tumor was slowly blocking her airway (it was inoperable)  I always tell myself that once she saw my twin, she thought "ok, my mommy got to see me one more time, so its ok for me to go now." She passed away that night. This March marked the fourth year I haven't had that crazy lovable dog in my life. Once my dad came home without Lilah, Sampson knew something was wrong. He became very destructive and in my eyes he was depressed and missed his sister. It wasn't till about six months later, I finally agreed that he needed another beagle in his life. Though Ali will never replace Lilah, she has a great way of reminding me that Lilah is still around. Ali has some of Lilah's characteristics and she and Sampson love each other. So in honor of my little baby girl... here is a story my dad sent me in an email a long time ago:

Last weekend, I cleaned my bathroom as usual and placed everything
on the step of the bathtub, as usual while the vanity dries.  Later, I
hear some chewing and it doesn't sound like the normal bone chewing.
I go to the source and there's Miss Lilah in her dinning room nest
with my tooth brush in her paws like an ice cream cone chewing away;
before I get to her I come across the tooth paste with 2-3 inches
squirted onto the rug--the brush still works, just had to change the
brush head--but it is scarred.  One would think I would return
everything to the vanity, but I didn't--heard more chewing of plastic
later and found Miss Lilah in her nest with my deodorant in her paws.
 She and/or Samson continue to attack the dried weed arrangements...a
couple of weeks ago, I vacuumed, put the vacuum in the closet and went
about my business.  Next day my child tells me she found Samson and
Lilah in her bed with the hose attachments to the hand held
vacuum--you got to close the closet all the way.  If Samson can get
his beagle nose and sometimes a paw between or under something, he'll
get in it.  Can't get angry with them, 'cause it's sometimes my fault.

Be kind today

Please stop saying these things...

I have anxiety, I am introverted when around people and in situations I am not comfortable with and I really wish people would stop saying these few things to me. (Or anyone who suffers from anxiety/panic attacks.)

1. "It's all in your head." -Well, yes it is all in our head, but you will never understand what it like to want to do something but your brain is yelling "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" You will never understand that you just can't switch it off like a light switch... it doesn't work like that. It is in our head, but our heads are complicated and wired differently.
2. "Just work through it/push through it".- Yes, in a perfect world that would be great and if that were that easy, NO ONE WOULD HAVE ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACKS. Sometimes even after exhausting all the techniques your therapist has taught you, it is still not possible to just get through it and push on. Your brain is still telling you to "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" there is nothing you can do.
3."You are letting this win."- Yeah I might be letting it win, because once again, unless you have had a severe anxiety/panic attack you have no idea what the person is going through. Its like having a 2 ton elephant sitting on your chest and you can't breath, let alone think straight. Sometimes, again even after doing all the relaxation techniques, the anxiety and panic wins. For some it wins more than others. I have been fortunate that my anxiety hasn't won too much in the last few months, but today it did. It won, and my brain and body are beat up over it. I don't want to feel like I hit a brick wall and can't break through, but today I did and that is that.
4.   "Relax and breath." This by far is something that no one having an anxiety/panic attack ever wants to hear come out of the mouth of anyone. If I could relax, I wouldn't be having the attack. If I could regulate my breathing, don't you think I would? Don't tell someone to relax when they obviously are in distress and are not feeling well, that only makes it worse. When I am in the middle of an attack this is by far the worse thing someone can tell me do.

It's all about being able to trick your mind into doing what you ultimately don't want to do. Sometimes you are able to do it without even thinking about it, and then other days there is nothing you can do. I would say that for most people that suffer from this, it is a constant, day to day battle. If you have never experienced it before it's easy for you to say all four of the things above and try to put yourself in the person's shoes. Trust me you don't want to be in my shoes when I am having an attack! I don't want to be in my own shoes to be honest. How do you convey the feeling of an attack: well let me try...IT SUCKS, IT IS EXHAUSTING, IT HURTS YOUR BRAIN, IT HURTS YOUR BODY, IT JUST HURTS. You are constantly questioning your actions to see if what you are feeling is rational, and for me, I know that what I am feeling isn't rational. So you might be wondering, if I know what is causing the anxiety and panic is not rational-Why then am I having an attack? Well, if I was able to answer that question, again I would probably have made vast advancements in mental health. So to sum it all up...just be patient with the person and know that they will work through it in  their own way and eventually they will figure out for themselves what works and what doesn't. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy- so just be understanding and please take these phrases from your stock set of things to say. They don't help, they only compound the issue and make the person feel even worse. It makes them feel like less of a person because they can't stop feeling they way they do faster to make the situation better for not only themselves, but you as well. ( I tend to worry more if I see that my loved ones are concerned for me while I am having an attack. It just makes it worse.) Let me work through it and I promise that it will pass-just in my own time.

A Rose like no other...

Ok, so I am sure many of you have binged on OITNB's third season and love it. I myself loved it as well. I particularly feel in love with Stella's character. Wow, Ruby Rose is amazing to look at and she isn't bad to listen to either. She has been compared to dare I say it "Justin Beiber" yuck...sorry ladies she is much better looking than the JB. Now that my new girl crush has been announced...I am not lesbian. I am human and any human with a pulse can tell that this woman, who identifies as gender neutral, but uses "she" pronouns is one handsome and gorgeous human being to look at! I guess you can say that if one is able to comfortably state that someone of the same sex is attractive then you are comfortable in who you are. Why does it make people uncomfortable to say that another woman is attractive when hello, this woman is stunning??!! If you find someone attractive it shouldn't matter what sex they are-aren't we all human? This brings me to the idea of gender neutrality...does it really exist? Well, I think it does. I think a person can identify with neither male or female. Just like I think a young man can identify as a woman from an early age. I personally identify as a woman, that happens to find both men and women attractive. I have told my husband of my female crushes and my male crushes as he has also disclaimed to me his. (And yes if either of us ever gets the chance we have promised that it would be perfectly ok to go for it. ) :) I don't care if you like men or women, or what you identify as or don't, just as long as you are a good person. That is what it boils down to...are you a good person.  I of course with my new crush been reading up on the good work Ms. Rose does and has done and yes she is a good person. Just one more reason to crush on her even more.  :)

Have a great day with whomever you choose to love! Love is love and a crush is merely a crush...enjoy them both.

Be Kind today

Gifts from my father

In honor of the man that gave me 23 of his chromosomes, I wanted to  tell you about a few things that my father has given be besides life.
1. Sarcasm: I rely on this to get by in a world that is so harsh and often hard to handle on a daily basis. He is by far the most sarcastic person I know and I thank him for passing that on to me, so that I can get a little chuckle from life, when I see a look of confusion on a persons face just after saying something sarcastic. I was told by my dept. chair that I was too sarcastic, and I apologized for it.  I do not feel that I need to walk around with a sign telling people I am being sarcastic towards them. I will never apologize for it ever again!
2. Cough: My father has had this cough since I could remember. I have had this wonderful hacking cough for about five years now. It comes and goes and is just a simple reminder that he gave me his genetic makeup for this cough. Thank you father. I appreciate sounding like an 80 year old man in the mornings. (YES, that is sarcasm!)
3. Strength: I talk about how my mother gives me strength on a regular basis, but over the last year, when it seemed my world was coming to an end, my father simply was there. He would walk me through everything step by step for what I needed to accomplish to get things done. He knows his stuff and I take what he says to heart and follow his instructions to a T. He said once to me over this last year, " I just want you to be happy." That is something I have worked hard for over the last year and hearing him say that helped me realize that he is concerned about me.
4. Silence: My father is a man of few words. No really, he talks all day at work and when he comes home he talks to the dogs and that is about it. When I stay over and get up in the mornings, he tells me to stop talking. I normally don't talk a lot. When I was teaching I was the same way. I would do all my talking for eight hours of the day and when I would get home I did not have much left to say. I would wake up in the mornings and not really talk at all. Since I haven't been teaching, and while my husband was at work, I would have a lot of things to say but no one to tell them to. I find that I have more to say now to people than ever before. But back to this silence thing...I like not talking just like my father. I am content with saying nothing. Some people find that to be passive, but I have learned that you can say so much by being silent. I would rather say nothing than speak meaningless words.
5. Smarts: I am a nerd and I get this from my father. He has two Master's and continually takes classes or teaches classes. I will be the same way. I am working on another degree working my way up towards my Ed.d I get my love of learning from him. When he got me a subscription to the Smithsonian, I was elated. Right now, I have been almost six months without my subscription due to the incompetence of the magazine people and its killing me. My father likes to point out that he has already completed the current month's magazine and that I can not remove them from his house. I steal them if I get the chance.   He instilled in my that "school is your job." I feel that my mother being a teacher and that constant reminder that school is my job, allowed the profession of teaching to pick me.

I could go on and on about my father. He is a funny and I love it when he sends me texts about the crime scene investigations about the things the beagles have eaten or destroyed for that day. He can make me laugh and I know he would do anything for me.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Father's Day.
Be Kind.

Blood Pressure

My mother has been dealing with her blood pressure spiking over the last few weeks. I talk to my mother almost everyday, and no I am not the reason for the spikes! Well, maybe just a little bit. But I will get to the point. When she told me that she might have to go to the ER, I was on top of it. I was ready to drive the two hours to her to make sure she was ok, even though my father is only 20 minutes from her. She told me she was doing fine and that she was seeing the doctor in the morning...again I said I would come early and take her. I didn't want her to get light headed and have to drive. What kind of daughter would I be? Anyhoo, she sends a text msg to all us girls in the morning saying that everything is ok and she see the doctor again later this month. Now let me say, that the night before I talked to my father and told him that he needed to be "on call" just in case she needed him. Of course, in my great Nurse Ratchet fashion my mother already told him that I was possibly over reacting to the situation. Thanks mother! She also put me on a NO CALL mandate till the next day, because she wanted to rest. How am I supposed to check on you if you won't let me call you? She lifted that after only a few hours and I called her that night. My father is as my mother puts it "emotionally removed" from many situations, and that is where I get it from. He tries to be caring and understanding but in true CIA fashion he shows little to NO emotion to the events that are taking place. When I was in the ER awhile back...yep, you guessed it, very little emotion, he just was there to tell me to stop cursing and in his own way that was him telling me he cared. But I digress...my middle sister, texted to my mother: Stay healthy, I am not ready for all of this yet! And in that statement, I felt the same way... I am not ready for all of this "parents getting older" thing. I worry about my father and his diabetes and I check on him weekly to make sure the beagles haven't eaten him. I check on my mother to make sure she hasn't slipped down the stairs or fallen out of the bed... yes mother I still remember you getting your foot caught in the sheet and you falling into the closet in your bedroom! (too much blueberry wine will do that to you.) Whenever I see my parents I remind them that they have to live 80 more years... I am not joking. They have to live as long as me. Since I plan on living till about 100 or so they have to stick around till then. My father laughs and says you are one day closer to death everyday, and the thought of that makes me cringe. But he is right, you are closer each day. You never know what is going to happen. I know that one day I will have to see my parents in a hospital. I will have to see them suffer. These are hard things to think about, let alone type right now. I don't want to ever see them like that, but that is what happens when you get older. It's the circle of life (not to rip Disney off) but its true. They care for you as children and once they can no longer care for themsleves you do it for them. It's hard to digest, but I don't have to worry about it for at least another 80 years, so I am good.

High School

After 15 years of being out of high school one thing is clear.... my friends have not given up on me.  There have been new additions to their families, anniversaries of marriages, etc. I have been playing checkup to a lot of that. I have just in the last few months gotten married to my best friend and supporter and talk of a little mini us is in the works. I have been focused on getting my life in order in terms of my career and relationships and that has been a long road for me. My husband has been there for the good, the bad and the oh so ugly and I appreciate him more than anything in the world for being my rock. He has constantly reminded me that I can not push people away that truly care about me. My family is a given, they will always be there for me... remember I told my parents they have to live for another 80 years! He will be with me no matter what and again I thank him constantly for that. But back to my original thought... those girls that are now mommies to little ones have always also supported me through these last 15 years. We have grown up together and we have transformed into strong, beautiful women. I know that when my issues are hard to handle for myself, it effects how I interact with the people around me. I have essentially come clean about my distance with my two closest friends about my reason for being absent in their lives...I am scared that I am not the same person I was last time we saw each other. I am scared that our lives are different and I won't be able to relate to what is going on in their lives. But then it dawned on me...of course I am not the same person. I will not be able to relate to motherhood, because it hasn't happened to me yet, but I can still relate to being the same friend I have been for 15 years to them. They can still relate to me as well. They know my struggles and they accept me. I love that I am able to tell them what is going on with me and they do not judge, they just say to me..."i understand." and "we can make it work." That is all I need to know that we are in essence the same as we were when we were younger. We worked through things when we were younger and we will work through things now. I wish I lived closer so that I could see them more often. We have to plan way in advance to meet up, and I have to remember they have little ones that might have to come along for the ride...which is fine, I can get some practice in for when I become a mommy.  I know that I have changed for the better and am in a better place then I was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I work through them and know that no matter what the girl that has a beautiful voice, that I never heard sing till the day of our friends wedding and the other girl that walked onto the field with me before the buzzer at our first band competition are still going to be there for me no matter what. I love looking back on those funny moments and know that even though we are no longer in high school, I still have those two ladies to call my friends!

Be kind today.

Teachers deserve respect

When I was growing up, you never wanted the teacher to call home or send a note. My parents view on teachers was this: you listen to what they say- even if they were wrong in the information they were telling you, keep your mouth shut. They also felt that if the teacher said we did something wrong, they didn't blame the teacher- they beat our ass and told us that we better start acting like we have some sense.  That is the problem with today's children. (again this is based on dealing with and observing behaviors of children- I do not have children, so I am only speaking from what I know.) Parents want to be friends with their children or they teach them that challenging everything that an ADULT says to them is ok. NO, it's not ok. My parents are not my friends. I still can't curse around them and get nervous ordering drinks around them till this day. They will always be more adult than me no matter what my age is. I know that if someone older than me tells me something I better listen. I learned at an early age you don't talk back to adults-now of course if an adult is doing something of an abusive nature, by all means YELL at the top of your lungs and tell somebody. As a teacher I do not mind a student asking questions, but when they are trying to make you look stupid intentionally because they think its funny and they think they know more than you, HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT! If a teach says something that is incorrect there is a way to tell them or ask questions so that it can be a learning moment for everyone. There have been times when I was wrong, standing in front of my class, and a student was question me in a respectful manner. I would say simply, "we can check on that..." If I was wrong then that was ok, but when you get students that are smug and arrogant about things like that and you bring it to their parent's attention- they blame you! Did you ever think that your child might be the problem? Did you ever think that your child might have been the one that was disrespectful in the situation. My mother would tell it like it is to her students and the parents. Unfortunately, in the public school system these days, teachers get all the blame. Teachers deserve respect from the students and their parents. There is the sense of privlege that some students have becuase they have the right family name, their parent works at the school. or on the school board, or they are institutions in the community...that still does not give your child the right to talk to a teacher like they are adults. Here is what it comes down to, if a child talks to a teacher/adult in a manner that is disrespectful, that means that you as parents allow them to talk to you that way...teach your children some respect.Like my parents said,"if you aren't going to respect me, how the hell are you going to respect anyone else?"

Be kind to the people that educate your children...and teach your children to respect them and any adult!