Why I Cry...

*I thought long and hard on if I wanted to write about the election results from last week. I have not posted anything since Wednesday regarding the election and have tried my best to not engage in any conversations about this election results. I finally decided that I needed to get my thoughts out and not have them all in my head. (I am not looking for a discussion/debate about the election...these are my thoughts and I just want to say what has been weighing on my heart for the past few days.)

I am a biracial woman. My parent's marriage would have been illegal if the Supreme Court had not stepped in to say that it is unconstitutional to prohibit persons from marriage based on the race. I have a black sister, with two biological children and three adopted white children. I have a Japanese-American sister who has two sons that are half black and Japanese. I am married to a white man. I cover my hair. I LOOK white.

When I woke up at 2am and learned of the results, I cried. I didn't cry just for myself. I cried for my sisters and my nieces and nephews. I cried for my parents. I cried for my former students. I cried for everyone that did not fit into this "NEW AMERICA." Now, I have read from so many people that people that are so upset about the outcome of the election are being dramatic and just need to get over it, I say this to you...what is your experience with discrimination, physical altercations based on your race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, have you ever been followed in a store by an employee; do you want me to keep going? Has anyone ever come up to you and told you to go back to the jungle or the desert? Seriously, what are your experiences? I cried for all these reasons. I am sitting here fighting tears now, just thinking about it. Since the election, incidents of racism and even physical altercations against persons that do not fit this "NEW AMERICA" mold have been shown all over the media. Protests have popped up across the country in response to the results, and all the President Elect has done is tweet out that "it's the media's fault." Why is this man NOT taking responsibility for the last eighteen months of the words that fell from his lips?

Protesting, incidents of racism: and you, the President Elect have said nothing to dampen out the fire, that you ignited the moment you started your campaign. You claim that you did not say these things, or tell people to do these things...I beg of you to look back at every single appearance you did in the last 18 months. Listen to the words you said and the applause you received for making fun of a man with a disability, the words you spoke about grabbing women, the marginalizing words you spoke about just about every group of people except white people...and then tell me that you had nothing to do with what is going on right now.  Your words were just the catalyst needed for people, that have felt this way for some time, to do what they have apparently wanted to for a long time. You not coming out and saying to your 'supporters' to not gloat, and act with violence; only shows the Americans that are our protesting and in awe of the results, that you may not be what will "Make America Great Again." You pushing it off on the media is what you have been doing your entire campaign, take responsibility for your words, you said them, they are becoming this country's reality. I cry for that.

I cover my hair, as do many women from many religions, but many women cover for health reasons as well as for mere fashion. I contemplated on the morning after the election if I should cover to my substitute job. My husband was concerned for me. I got up and wrapped with purpose that day and the next and will continue to do so. I will not let the election of one person stop me from being who I am and do something that I feel compelled to do. This is a part of who I am. My covering is an extension of me and I will not let anyone strip that away from me. IF you think I am Muslim, fine. I am not offended by that. I stand proudly with my sisters who wear the Hijab or any woman that chooses to cover for any reason. I dare someone to reach for my cover...I am a small woman, but you invade my space we have an issue. If I see anyone covered (male or female) again for any reason, being harassed, I learned a nice tip from a little meme; step in and start a random conversation with the person. Smile and let them know you are there for them. I cry for the fact that I and other women that cover had to contemplate whether to cover the day after the election.

I had a fifth grader and third grader ask me this week if they were going to be sent back to China. It took everything in me not to loose my shit...I held it together and simply said, "I am hopeful that they were just words." Then the third grader said to me, "But, words are very powerful." Again, trying not to cry. How is it that children see this and yet adults do not see or hear these things?  I was explaining this conversation to another teacher, and I wanted to punch her when she said, "Oh, THEY hear that from their parents, and if they want to leave, don't let the door hit them." I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone! I looked at her and said, "She is a child, and she heard it from TRUMP as did I." and continued writing my notes. I don't care what your political views are at this moment, but when small child is concerned about being sent away from their home, you should show compassion, not  blatant  contempt for their worries.  I cry for that child that fears having to leave their home.

There are so many events in American history that make it hard to be a history teacher and teach without my own personal views invading my lessons. So many events in this countries history, that I am not proud of as an American. I am glad that they have passed, but I cry knowing that this election and the events that follow will end up in a history book one day. I will have to teach about this election and keep my shit together. I will have to teach about this election and not present me personal views to my students. I cry because this election is part of American history for the wrong reason.

Am I proud to be an American? Yes. I am proud that I was born in a country that allows me to voice my opinion in a open forum like this. I am proud that I can say what I feel about a political servant and not fear jail time. Am I proud of what America looks like right now? NO. I am ashamed for people to read about how this country is reacting to an election. An election is supposed to be a simple transition of power; it has been that way in this country for decades. This election has changed that and will forever leave it's mark on the world's mind and unfortunately it will impact how they will want to deal with us in the future. Will I call this man President? No. He has not earned the right or the honor of this title. Yes, he won the election, but that is not enough. He has not shown any sign of being capable of bringing together the people that 'support' him and the people that are against him. He has not mentioned it once. His campaign doesn't seem to be bothered by it either. His character does not match that of past presidents, and yes, he will be compared to past presidents. I would even go as far to say he is not even on the level of BUSH...and that is a lot for me to say. I was not a fan of the Bush Presidency, but his character was not completely appalling to warrant me to never want to discuss him or even call him President. I cry for the fact that I can not call this man my President, that I am not proud of this country and how it has reacted to the election and that the divide in this country is seemingly getting larger.

I cry because the hope I have for the country seems to be out of reach at the moment. I cry because it is hard to explain to people why I am so distort over the election. I cry because I am afraid for myself, family and friends who don't fit in this "NEW AMERICA," that has shown itself in the last 72 hours or more.

I cry for a country divided.

Be Kind.

I wore Blue

Today is Election Day. In honor of the Suffragette Movement many women that support our FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE will be wearing white in some form.  I was wearing a little white in the wrap that I chose to wear today when I cast my ballot; but the most prominent color I wore was BLUE.

I wore Blue

I wore Blue today for a family tree that is incomplete
I wore Blue for the color of the water that transported my ancestors from Africa to an land that was not their own
I wore Blue for the color of the sky that they saw when they looked up to, while standing on the platform waiting for the final price to be called out
Blue for the color of eyes the man who took what wasn't his from a strong woman in my family line
I wore blue for the color of ink that flowed from the pen that my great grandmother signed her name with
Blue for the color of eyes I share with my twin; thanks to that recessive gene from that slave owners force upon a woman my great great grandmother called mother
I wore Blue for the name Mamie, given to my mother, by her mother, who was named Mamie
I wore Blue for my grand-daddy who served this country but didn't have the right to vote
Blue for my mother's parents, for blue is pure and crisp like the air, the day my mother and I stood outside eight years ago and voted for the FIRST BLACK MAN become President
I wore Blue

Be Kind.

Awake

Aware of what goes on around you most of the time, but not really sure of where you belong

Wayward to the point of almost knowing where you will be at the end of the road

Always able to feel more than others and taking in more than you should

Knowing that you will wake up feeling just as exhausted as you did when you went to sleep

Eeverything weighs you down, as if you are on the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim

My reality, I'm still Awake.

Be kind.

How will you be seen?

I am the 23 chromosomes of a descendants of slaves
I am the curly haired, straight nose, blue eyed, thick lipped contradiction to your white washed world
I am that one drop rule that makes me unacceptable to the majority

It's ok to grab and comment on my body, take advantage of and have to live with it just have people say, "Boys will be boys," or "It's just locker room talk."
It's my fault for not bringing up the situation when it happened...blame me for being traumatized and told it won't go anywhere, even if I did say something.

My illness is real, but will it be treated as such?
Will I and so many others be mocked by you and told it's all in our heads?
Will my sister have to worry about the quality of life her youngest son will have because of his "disability?"

Will the covering I wear on my head, the covering that my Muslim friends wear become more of a threat to you and your "policy making?"
Shipping costs are going to rise with you in office if you try to ship off all of the "NON-AMERICANS"(none of us are true Americans) ; only those battling over that pipeline will be left.

Walls. I do not want to be on the same side of the wall that you stand.
No one will build this wall for you.

Will the hatred that you preach like a sermon from your racist pulpit, divide our country more than ever before?
You have opened "Pandora's Box" and it doesn't seem to want to close...
Too many wounds have been opened- made deeper by your words, words of your followers, words from a man who claims to be the voice of the people.
If you ARE the voice of the people, I beg of you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You do NOT speak for me.
You will NEVER speak for me.

Election day is in one week...please take your vote seriously and exercise your right to vote. VOTE...don't think that your voice does not matter; it does!

Be kind.

What are you so afraid of?

What are you so afraid of?
Am I hurting you in any way?
Are your children in danger if they walk past me in the street?
Will you be scared in some way if I speak to you and ask you for directions, because I am not from around here, you see?
How long are you going to stare at me, before you just walk away and mutter a slur under your breath?
What will it take for you to see that I am not a threat, but a lesson for you instead?
Why do you have such a distaste for a glorious piece of fabric?
Do you stop to ask me why I wear this crown or do you just assume something with your hateful stares?
What is it that is in the fabric that triggers you to grab for my covering and yell at me?
Why are you so afraid?
Do you know me, to be afraid of me and the garment I have chosen to adorn MY head with?
Have you come to the conclusion that I am just another one of "them" that needs to "go back to where they came from!"? But in reality, we all originated from one spot!
Our origins are intertwined, but you do not see that, you only see what frightens you...
What are you so afraid of?
It's just a beautiful scarf that means many different things to so many different people.
What are you so afraid of?

This is for all the women AND men who have ever been harassed for the choice to cover for whatever reason. Covering is a personal choice and no one should ever have to fear for their safety because of a personal choice they have made for THEMSELVES!

Be kind to each other.

35 things I know to be true...

Since my birthday was Monday, thought I would reflect on a few things. Here are 35 things that I know to be true in my life. (Again, these are things that I KNOW TO BE TRUE, you may not agree, but when it's your birthday-make up your own damn list!)

1. I am a year older, and still don't have more than about five people I actually would physically hang out with in person. (This does not include family members.)

2. I curse more than ever before. Sometimes you just have to say FUCK! It's just warranted for the situation and sometimes it's not, but it still just needs to come out.

3. My relationship with my family members is not constant-it is a live organism and constantly changing day by day. Sometimes radio silence can make a huge difference.

4. I have come to terms with who I am as a person with a mental illness. Thanks to the support of my husband a great team of doctors and therapy team, I am finally learning to advocate for myself.

5. I like baseball. WTF? Yes,I like a sport- I like an actual team, I have a jersey,I am actually watching them right now-go Cubbies!

6. I think my twin sister values her friendship when other friends more than she values mine. Just being honest. Problem of social media- you see things that hurt your feelings. Brew fest here this weekend, asked a month ago- there was a no given, but you are at one with a former sorority sister I haven't talked to in over 15year, but you have become close...because she seems to fit into your lifestyle better. Oh well.

7. This list is going to take a long damn time to make!

8.i have been tested over the last two years in ways that I could have never imagined. But like a Phoenix I rise.

9. I love teaching more than I I thought I did. I love being able to substitute while finishing my degree...it keeps me grounded in a profession that is my calling.

10. I pretty much have an overall distrust of many new people that enter my life. It's a trust thing...I can determine if I like someone pretty quickly.

11. Sometimes my family likes to shrug off my decisions not to do somethings as being part of my diagnosis. I will tell you if it has something to do with it. It is not the only reason, I do or don't do things in my life. Now that I can advocate for myself, the dynamic has shifted and I feel they don't understand that.

12. I am in a relationship that gets better by the day, I am happy I found a man that is goofy and willing to out up oddness, watching Christmas movies, obsession with hairless cats, yarn collection, and my need for madea. 

13. I have a love hate relationship with my treadmill, we are working on that. We are seeking counseling. We will get through it.

14. I want a copy of the CDC's zombie survival booklet. Come on, when shit goes down, don't you want to be ready? There is none of this trail by error crap like the Walking Dead.

15. I gained weight. Once I hit 30, my body said, fuck it, you are on meds that of course weight gain is a side effect, so why not gain 25 extra pounds? Why not? It will be fun!!

16. I have a problem with Christmas socks. It's real- I knew it was a problem whe it hit 35 pairs. Do I need to speak to someone about this? Not at all.

17. Am I going to have children? The question of question...don't know what is true about that one yet-check back next year on that one.

18. I am an old soul. 

19. I am a nerd. I honestly have very little in common with many people I met, and find it awkward to chit-chat about mundane things in life. 

20. I know that I am voting, are you? I won't be voting for Trump...that's all I will say. No, that doesn't mean that because I have lady bits, I will be voting for the female candidate, there are other options-I will leave it at that. 

21. Again, this is taking forever to to do, with I had just turned 21...I'd be finished!!!

22. I secretly love one Justin Beiber song...well, it out there now, no more secret. 

23. I hate candy corn and peeps. Whoever came up with them should be water boarded!

24.-35 ok, to finish this list, I must just defer to a few sentences that sum up the past year of my life. I have struggled more than I think I ever have I my life, personally and professionally. I have learned that I must be a caretaker sometimes, even when I didn't think I could. I am exhausted beyond belief when it comes to school,but I have to find the strength to finish; I am so close. I know that it is for the betterment of my professional ad personal life for me to continue on with my academic goals. I have had to support my partner more than ever in a life changing choice,not knowing the outcome. (I am a planner- so that was difficult-but I pushed through.) I am tired right now, this baseball game is going on get than I hoped and I am sitting in fleece pjs so I kinda won't to head to bed...but my hubby is a little loud when the Cubs are playing.

Be kind

Something in this will possible offend (read if you like)...

Just from the title, you have been warned. I am not meaning to offend anyone. I just feel that people are so sensitive to what is going on politically, that it is spilling over into other aspects of out lives and people are getting offended by the smallest things. Alright, things that offend me: racism, discrimination of ANY kind, homophobia, Islamophobia and really just any type of hatred or blatant disregard for another's basic human rights, because you don't feel that they are doing something you don't like, or it goes against your values/belief system. There...now you know what offends me...oh there is one more thing, wearing socks with sandals- please don't do this!

Ok, here goes:
1. I curse a lot... I say FUCK or SHIT at least ten times a day. I am an educated woman and I know a shit-ton of words, but sometimes ( see right there, I could have used a different word, but it didn't work out for me, ) these words come out and to be honest, I am perfectly ok with cursing someone out and calling them on their bullshit. Yes, I can have a conversation without these words, I do it regularly, but as my mother says, "sometimes you just end up cursing like a sailor and it is what it is." Now, am I going to curse you out just for the hell of it, NO, there must be just cause. I don't go looking for people to curse out, but if you open yourself up; and by that I mean, you say and do things repeatedly  that are degrading and disrespectful to myself or people I know or even people i don't know...prepare yourself for a battle royal.
2.Please don't say someone is disgusting just because their way of life is different than yours. That mean, just because you don't agree with it, and it goes against what you want in your life, doesn't give you the right to say it's bad for the other person. Last time I check, people had free will.
3. The concept of gender...I don't care what/who you identify as or who you love or don't have a relationship with. All I care about is: are you a good person. If gender is fluid then so be it, float on one way or another and stop where you like. Again, I don't care. Please don't let anyone define who you are or should be. OH yeah, that is something that pisses me off...when people try to tell others WHO they are. Again, last time I checked people had free will and can be whatever they would like.
4. DON'T force your beliefs on me or others. If i have questions about something in your life, guess what I will ask. Same goes for me. If you want to know something, just ask. Everything that is holy on this earth, please do not try to force your beliefs on me. I am more likely to come at you with a "Fuck off," or "what is this Shit?" rather than welcome your forced interpretation of something onto my being. So back up. We can discuss these things that are different between us, I like discussions.  I am an adult, I have kind of already made up my mind about a few things in my life, but thanks.
5.Now the fun stuff...Turmp or Hilary? Honestly...I know I am voting. I know I am NOT voting for Trump. Beyond that, it's personal and I would like to keep that private. (I have three options other than Trump.) I am so tired of the back and forth, it's getting to be a battlefield. The things that people are saying about supports on both sides is disgusting. I am a teacher, I teach government, I honestly am happy I am NOT teaching full time right now this election year. I am happy that I decided to go back to school and do not have to deal with the questions and heated conversations that would consume my class because of this election. Yes, they would consume my class, as I am sure it is consuming many classrooms around the country. This is a defining moment in our country. We will either be electing a Douche Bag, Bigot, or a woman with a proven past in politics, (yes, she has a questionable past- hell all politicians have a sketchy past.) We shall, see. But damnit, if I hear someone say "the lesser of two evils" one more time, I swear I might explode from the stupidity. THink about the statement! The lesser of two evils...so that is saying that they are both EVIL, but you are going with the least evil. Does that even make sense? Again, you have two more choices- write in and third party candidate.
6. Do I agree with kneeling during the Anthem. Well, as a biracial woman, who has seen and dealt with racism, who also has family that has served in the military and is a direct decedent of slaves...yes I am 125% ok with the silent protest of taking a knee during the anthem. Come, on people, he wasn't being disrespectful- he wasn't yelling or running around, he just simply took a knee in SILENCE. which he has every right to do. There is no law that says one has to stand during the anthem and place your hand over your heart. There is no law that says you have to sing the song. Nope...nothing stating any of that as law. Personally, if I were a young child and I saw a athlete do this, I would ask questions, Why is he doing this? There you go mom and dad-teachable moments- those darn teachers are always talking about!  Instead of getting upset over someone being quiet and doing his SILENT protest during the anthem, why don't you get upset that black men are being killed at alarming rates? Why don't you get upset, that Muslim woman are having their hijabs ripped off them in the streets and called horrible names? Why don't you get mad, that a child is sitting on the corner of busy street begging for food? Why don't you get mad that woman are being cat called and touched walking down busy streets and afraid for their safety? Why are you mad that the number of sexual assaults on college campuses has risen? Why don't you get mad that the attacks on transgender females is increasing? Why don't you get mad that our mental health system is not doing justice to the tens of thousands of people who suffer everyday from an illness?

I am not intentionally trying to offend anyone, that is never my intention. I just like to brings things to the forefront and start discussions.  As a teacher, I had to play devil's advocate a lot, so maybe that is what I tend to do in my life in general. I poke the sleeping bear most of the time.

Be kind.