Time

You can 't get it back once its gone. You can try to conserve it by procrastinating, but what good does that do for you or the people in your life. I am learning to become less structured in my life and let things happen as they come. It's really hard when you grew up in a military family. Structure is what you know and how you live your life. IT never leaves your blood, you have to be super early or you are late. So back to this time thing, I want to learn to take my sweet time doing things and not be so hard on myself if I don't get something finished. I have no schedule at the time so I should be really good at this whole slowing down and enjoying the time I have to sit on the couch for an extra hour if I chose, or cook a batch of cookies. (the later I probably will not do, because I burn things, but I could if I wanted to.) Because I have unlimited time on my hands, I have discovered that I don't really like doing nothing. Some people might think I am crazy for saying this, but I have never NOT done something. My concept of who I am has always been tied to what I DO and the amount of TIME i spend DOING IT. Not anymore. I just have to accept that time is infinity for me right now and its a gift in disguise.

If I were a WIZARD...

First let me say that I would have graduated top of my wizard university and would have an awesome wizard wand and cape and I would most certainly have the ability to just appear where I want when (no driving for this wizard.)....it just makes sense.

If i were a wizard these are the things I would do: (no particular order)
1. Make everyone get along with each other (so I don't have to play peacemaker)
2. Everyday would be like Christmas (this might be why I have one ornament still hanging up in my bathroom)
3. Make my SO understand me when I say nothing at all. (He's getting there.)
4. Be able to lose those annoying few pounds I can't seem to get rid of. (After 30 it just gets harder)
5. Be able to sleep in till 10 everyday. (no wait I can do that thanks to my unfortunate circumstances.)
6. Make everyone around me stop telling me to relax, trust me this is me RELAXED.
7. Blow glitter in the faces of people that piss me off and run a way laughing.
8. Find the way to do exactly what I love and make money doing it.
9. Have a puppy rescue and have tons of dogs all around me all day everyday. Since everyday would be like Christmas, I would get to dress them up in costumes!
10. Just be happy.

(I could have said end war, hunger, corruption, but heck if your a wizard those would be the first few things you would take care of then-Really, come on did you think I was heartless?)

For the Birds...

My desk sits facing the window-which gives me a great view of our backyard. We recently put out our regular bird feeders. (the Hummingbird ones go up in a week!) I have just been sitting here watching them fly around and chirp out of happiness. I wish sometimes my life were that simple...find food, poop and find more food. (and don't get eaten by something bigger than you.) Ok maybe I don't wish my life were like that but the birds have given me something...peace. I can sit here for hours and watch them and not think about anything else. I just sit and listen to the the chirping and it makes me smile. I wake up to the chirping outside my bedroom window and it makes me smile. 1. I woke up and 2. life continues no matter how bad you think it might be.  Take time today and just listen to the birds and thank them for being so wonderfully simple!

Life alert

I saw the commercial a few weeks ago and told my parents they needed to get this because they were getting older. I didn't want my mom to get stuck in yet another leisure suit and or my father fall and the dogs are trying to lick him back into consciousness. Yes, is this something that I should be thinking about, not but I do. I am a planner and sometimes I over plan things. My parents both said I was being silly, but was I really? I mean maybe it would be nice to know that if you are in a bind you can just press a little button and someone is there who cares and ready to jump into action. Is it too much to ask that someone be your own personal life alert specialist? You get assigned to them day one and all you have to do is call on them when its seems like life its becoming too much for you to handle at the moment. Just press a button and a calm, cool and collected life alert specialist is ready to hear your needs. Surely there is a market for this, not just for the elderly...

"Blackbird, you ain't every gonna fly again"

I have felt like in the last month that so much more is possible.  I refer to the great songstress Nina Simone for this post. I have these song lyrics on my ribs.  I got this tattoo done about three years ago after I got my Masters. I decided to get these lyrics on my ribs when I was at a low point in my life regarding what I am going to do with my life. I didn't know when I would "fly" or "love" in the future. I wanted these words on my body to remind me that I will FLY and someone WILL love me eventually. I am fortunate that today I have the most loving SO there is and has stuck by me through a lot of crazy times. I am fortunate that in the last month I have learned that I am going to SOAR, not fly into the future with so much force it might take your breath away. So I leave you with this song by one of my favorite ladies. (If you have never heard this song, I beg you to listen to the sorrow in this woman's voice to understand the true meaning behind the words.)


Why you wanna fly Blackbird you ain't ever gonna fly
No place big enough for holding all the tears you're gonna cry
Cuz your mama's name was lonely and your daddy's name was pain
And they call you little sorrow cuz you'll never love again

So why you wanna fly Blackbird you ain't ever gonna fly
You ain't got no one to hold you you ain't got no one to care
If you'd only understand dear nobody wants you anywhere
So why you wanna fly Blackbird you ain't ever gonna fly

Silent Gift

Every just get tired of talking or listening? I am to that point. I have talked/listened so much in the last 24 hours that my body is drained and I am exhausted. I have a profession that requires talking, but at the present time I do not have to talk all day if I choose not to. I like the silence that I have when I alone. It is calming. I have been reading this book about a man who was paralyzed at age 13 and he discusses the silence one experiences when this happens between the mind and body. I really understand what he is talking about. IF we could just step back and take a moment to be quiet for a moment, we might actually gain something from the moment we are in. I want the silence to wash over me and engulf me for a moment. I want to shut my mind off. Now this does not mean that I want to completely disengage from world and myself, I just want to experience the silence once in awhile. Taking a moment to think first and then speak is a gift that we can all give ourselves. So, I leave you with a moment of your own silence to think about nothing and restore your soul.

Warrior Woman

Today was another lesson  in patience. I take the title of this post from a wonderful woman I know. She is strong like my mother and gives me advice just like my mother as well. I am learning that I have to be a warrior woman in this whole process.  I come from a long line of women that worked in the cotton fields and carried on when their backs hurt and the dirt between their nails was thicker than mud. It is in my blood and it is rushing fast and furious through my veins while this ordeal plays out. My ability to see that I am strong and can withstand this is a work in progress, with the help and support of the people around me I can honestly say " I am WARRIOR WOMAN hear me ROAR!"

Changing

I am a work in progress. What I have been dealing with for the last year in a half has not only impacted my life but the life of those that are around me and love me. I have been changing for the better in the last few months, and then something huge hits me in the face. When something changes so quickly and you are  not prepared for it, it tends to sting a little more. Now, I have been working on changing for the better, to be a better person for myself and for my family. That is a change that is good and can only benefit me in my life. The changes that hit you in the face full force and seem to create chaos in your life, might actually be a change for the better. My mother always said there are blessings that you don't expect to happen and they end up being the best thing for you. Lets say a prayer that the changes that are taking place now for me are for the better and will only make me stronger. I can't say the changes haven't been hard to adjust to, but in all honesty they have allowed me to look deeper into my own self and see what needs a little tweak here and there. I may not be who I was a year ago, but that is for the better. Just like the seasons, I am changing and embracing the road ahead.

Control-My master plan

I am working on my master plan of being in control of everything around me. I have been working on this plan for the last 32 years, and so far it hasn't gone so well for me. I have learned over the last three years, no wait, last three weeks, that I HAVE NO CONTROL. Absolutely NONE. Nothing in this life is certain and I just have to take take things as they are. No wait, I don't have to take them exactly as they are. I WILL put up a fight if you are unjust and unwilling to see your mistakes. I see my mistakes daily and have to confront them on a regular basis, so why shouldn't you? No one is going to walk over me and make me feel smaller than I typically feel on any given day. (slowly working on that aspect of my life) I guess I have slowly been working on this plan, especially in the last three weeks. Its a new perspective and clarity is something that is coming at a pace I am not particularly happy about, but its coming and that is what matters. This plan may not be perfect and I may never be able to control everything, but one thing is for certain, I CONTROL what happens from here on out and I am ecstatic about that.