Release

Yesterday I was told that I need to release the anger that I have dealing with a more recent event that has taken place in my life. I was told that it has to be a physical representation of the anger leaving me and the free space being filled with positive thoughts. So, today I will be burning a few items outside since its such a loverly day. I think burning these items that are representations of the anger I hold towards the situation will allow me to move on. I guess you could say I have been harboring a tad bit of anger towards it and its holding me in limbo in my quest to become the me I want to be.  With that I leave you with this thought, by holding onto the anger it only keeps you stagnant, you are not able to move forward and heal. I had the band-aid ripped off a month ago, now its time to put some topical cream on it and let it heal. It may leave a scar, but battle wounds are great stories to tell over beer!

The Mustn'ts

I had to memorize a poem for 6th grade science. (Ms. Vaughn was a little weird, I don't think Science was her thing, but there was a purpose behind it.) So I picked a poet that I have always loved. Shel Silverstein. You can interpret it anyway you like, but here's what I think it means. You can and should listen to all the people that tell you CAN'T do something, it only gives you fuel to light the fire within you. This poem I had to recite in front of the class. As a 6th grader this is terrifying, so I picked something that while I was saying it, it would grow with strength and impact. As you read this little poem it becomes bigger than the 8 lines its made up of. It grows with power and allows the reader to grasp something they may not have had before reading it. One of my former students who lives in Egypt did some sayings for me in Arabic and one of them was the "girl with the heart of a lion". She said the more you recite it the more meaning it has and strength builds for you to believe in the power of the words. I believe the same is true for these 8 lines. The more times you recite it to yourself the more power it has. Anything CAN happen, anything CAN be. So even back in 6th grade I was grabbing hold of my strength to get through having to stand in front of the class and say this. The last few days I was reciting this in my head and it made me smile, because I am in a place right now where I can listen to all the MUSTN'TS, the DON'TS, etc and let them get me down. I have decided that reciting this will grow with power and overshadow the negative and be the positive LIGHT I need in my life right now. So I thank Ms. Vaughn and her strange little assignment she had us do before we cut into Kermit. .  

LISTEN TO THE MUSTN'TS

Shel Silverstein

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS

      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S

      Listen to the NEVER HAVES

Then listen close to me-

      Anything can happen, child,

ANYTHING can be

Still

Yesterday we decided to work out in the yard and get the hummingbird and other bird feeders up. It was so nice to be outside. The weather was great. Once I was done planting and filling feeders, I started a fire in the pit and just sat down. Sat down out of tiredness but also because I just wanted to be still. I just wanted to be in the moment and smell the smoke from the fire pit, see the dog running around with a Frisbee on her face, and watch my SO take measurements of the porch, etc. I just wanted to be STILL. So i sat there for a good hour and realized I am going to have to do this more often. I didn't have to have a conversation, I didn't have to do anything I just had to sit there and be still. I told myself that everyday that its nice outside the dog and I will sit out there and just enjoy it. Today isn't going to happen, rainy and for some reason I am not feeling well.  But there is tomorrow....to just be still. Try it, you might like it.

Marshall Dillon

I get up super early and flipping through the channels I stopped on an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. I actually watched it, which I never do. But then it hit me, it reminds me of my Saturday mornings as a child. We would wake up and my father would be watching old cartoons. Then later that day I flipped on Andy Griffith, and even some Gunsmoke (Marshall Dillon is my favorite). I also will watch M.A.S.H. whenever I see its on. These are shows I watched with my father while I lived with him, when I was working and getting my Masters. I know I talk a lot about what my mother has taught me and is still imparting wisdom on me; but watching these shows with my dad over dinner in the kitchen gave me a glimpse into him. He likes things to be simple and funny. He will laugh his way through most situations and try to bug you to death with it. Since both of my parents are getting older I just sit and listen to them tell stories about what it was like when they were growing up, or when they were my age. My sisters always say, I didn't know that about them, and I simply reply: " Did you listen to them?" So in closing this is a post to my father who I am sure gave me the gene for sarcasm and wit and has taught me a lot while watching M.A.S.H., Andy and Barney, and my Marshall Dillon and Ms. Kitty. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy a good show and say nothing at all.

Rainy day

It's rainy and I just want to sleep all day. Well, that is what I did yesterday so I guess I had to be productive today :) Its rainy and most people don't like the rain and sound of a storm but I honestly love it. We have a sound machine in our bedroom and I fall asleep to the thunder storm but it somehow changes to white noise later on. (The dog does it!) I like the idea of rain and how it cleanses and refreshes the earth. I know my dogs love a fresh rain, their noses go crazy when I take them outside. Its like all the smells have been washed clean and they have a smorgasbord of new experiences to deal with. You know a dog is in dog heaven with their nose is twitching like Samantha from Bewitched. (Which reminds me I want to watch some reruns of that show- loved it.)  But back to the rain, It washes away the grit and grime of the day before and allows you to have a clean slate, "tabla Rosa" if you will. I like to think of these rainy days as refreshing and welcomed with open arms. Heck not only does it cleanse the earth it cleanses my soul of all the mean and bitter thoughts I had over that last few days and reminds me that out of such gloom comes beauty-in a few weeks we will have flowers and I will have a pure  heart. I get to wear my rain boots my dad bought me for Christmas, so I think I am going to put them on and go splash around in a few puddles. Might make a bit of a mess but I know the next rainy day will just wash it way for me.

6:48 am

It's 6:48 in the morning and I am up and moving. Honestly I am exhausted, and people don't seem to understand how that is possible when I go to be by 8:30 almost every night. Let me tell you a little secret...when you are used to a routine for three years and suddenly you are presented with a house that is empty, a dog and not much else to do but craft, read, exercise and clean; it can get a little exhausting. When your routine is interrupted and you are faced with what to do next. Slept in a few days and it didn't feel right, so I stick to this insane schedule to keep me from going crazy. I bounce back and forth between my craft room, (preparing for my first craft show), cleaning the house (which by the way is pretty darn clean), exercising (which I honestly just do it like a drone...but I do it.), and since I still have about 20 more hours to kill in the day I am catching up on my reading. I can't say I don't like this schedule, I just know that I haven't dated it long enough to know if its right for me. Maybe by our 2nd month-iversay I will have settled into my new routine and have grown to love it.

Purpose

I wrote in my journal the other night: PURPOSE. I have been asking myself what is my purpose in this life? Well, I can't tell you, and many people are in the same boat as I am. I know what I have a passion for and I know what I like doing for fun.  But could I tell you a  little secret; I don't know my purpose. I have over the years been so obsessed that my identity was tied to what I was DOING as my job. I am no longer teaching, but I AM still a TEACHER. I have a passion to teach and see the light bulb go on in students.  I plan on going back to school in the fall to get my PhD. in Education and I am ecstatic...but for different reasons that before when I let what I was doing be my identity. I am ecstatic because its a choice I made for myself and it will only make me a better person.  Who knows, maybe my purpose in this life is to go back to teaching high school, maybe I am more suited to teaching college level students that might actually get my sarcasm and laugh at my jokes, maybe...but whatever my purpose is I will be content with it. I have no other choice, you can't change the future you can only influence it by what you do each day. Maybe that just it, maybe we aren't supposed to go around trying to figure out our purpose we are just supposed to do what we love and share that with others. Maybe we aren't supposed to know what the purpose of our life is/was until the very end when its all over. Who knows, but I do know its going to be a beautiful day so the fuzz (the dog) and I are going to go for a quick walk to breath in some fresh air. Be kind and enjoy the day (and night too for that matter. )