354 days

I took down the tree and decorations yesterday. I thought that it would be better to just get it over with and bring the season to an end. But wait...I started a countdown on my ipad for Christmas. I am turning into that person that wants Christmas to be everyday. So with that being said, I left a little bit of Christmas in each room. It's small and if you aren't in my house on a regular basis you wouldn't even know it. I also decided that I will be wearing Christmas socks throughout the year. I love the season so much that it was sad to take my tree down. I was cranky and yelling at the dog all day until I heard a song from the movie Elf on the tv when I got out of the shower. I instantly got happy. So needless to say my husband has figured me out and knows what makes me happy. Two Christmas movies are staying out for the year when I need a little boost of happy: Elf and Christmas Vacation. Can't tell you why but it makes me smile, and if that makes me smile and get up in the morning, what harm is it doing. I am not going to turn into a person that leaves the tree up year round and wears my Christmas shirts all the time. I have my limits, I don't want to end up on one of those shows on TLC about crazy obsessions. It's still winter so I validate my decision to continue the SPIRIT of Christmas throughout the year.  So with that I curl up in my Christmas blanket and countdown to the day when I can put up my decorations again and enjoy songs of the season. Oh who am I kidding I am going to listen to my two cds I got for Christmas in my car-and sing at the top of my lungs.

Be kind and remember to keep the SPIRIT of Christmas in your heart all year long.

Motivation is knocking...

Motivation is something that I struggle with everyday. I read somewhere that having depression isn't about just getting out of bed, it's about getting out of bed and actually wanting to do something that matters to you that day. It's about moving from the bed to the couch and hopefully to a productive day. Over the last two weeks since my winter break started I have been caught up in the the constant battle I have with motivation to do anything. I have forced myself to get out of bed, I have forced myself to create and finish a few new items for my shop. I even forced myself to get up one morning this week and hit the craft store. That was a lot for me over the last couple of weeks. I am starting my second semester of classes in a week and I need to find the motivation to read the chapters before class. That won't be hard, partly because it is something I love doing, I love reading and learning about what I am passionate about.  I have never had a problem with motivation when it comes to school and getting things done in that aspect of my life. That comes easy and I am in control of that part of my life. It is everything else around me that I don't have control over. I don't have control over everything else in my life. I don't have control over my weight, the medication has that on lock for me. Thanks for making my life manageable, but I don't appreciate the extra pounds. I am not always going to have control over things, I know this, but a little would be nice. Often it's just this overwhelming feeling that I can't get anything started and I can't completed. Basically, I can't start things that are on my to do list and even if I do start them, its hard to complete them.  Failure to launch is a big problem when you have depression. You feel trapped under an elephant and can't figure out how to get the damn thing off your chest. That is where just getting enough energy to get out of bed and move to the couch is a big deal. Getting off the couch and doing something around the house is a big deal. Getting out of the house is a big deal. I am fine spending everyday in my house and not being in contact with people. I go to school once a week and am away at my father's house for one night and one day. I interact with about 11 in those two days, my parents and classmates and a professor, that is it. I am just fine with that. I don't have to interact with any extra people. When I get home its me and the dog till my husband gets home and I am fine with that. The days that I am not at school I am at home doing homework, working on crafts, cleaning the house, etc. I don't go out unless it is super early in the morning and I know there are not a lot of people. I fear that I am getting worse in this regard, but I know what I am capable of handling.  Again it goes back to the motivation. I have to plan out my day in advance so I know where I am going and who I will be talking to. I have to talk myself into not taking a nap at 12 in the afternoon and workout instead. I have to talk myself into going to my therapy sessions and talk about all this with my therapist. I have to push myself to go to the store with my husband and pick out a microwave. I have to push myself to do just about everything that I should otherwise want and need to do without any prompting. This is the struggle of having depression. This is the struggle of feeling shut in with no way out, even though you can get up and leave whenever you chose to. But in your mind you are shut in and can't get out. This is the struggle that I deal with everyday.  It's not something that just goes away with time and then one day you are instantly happy. It will be with me for as long as I am on this earth, but again, motivation knocks on the door every morning and I make the choice to answer the door and let it in.

Be kind and Happy New Year.

Asking too much...

Am I asking too much to have a relationship with you? Am I asking too much that certain people don't get in the way of that relationship? All I want is what we had when were younger...hanging out and not letting anyone or anything come between us. I miss you and just want you to know that I care. Even though I don't verbally ask you how things are I do care. My way of showing support is by calling and just talking to you. I don't want to pry. I figured that if you really wanted to talk about it you would. I just want you in my life.  I understand that you are going through something at the moment and it's rough, but please don't back away from the people that care about you the most. I am always going to be there no matter what. I don't know how else to say it, but I am scared that I will not talk to you or see you for a long time and I just wanted to let you know how that makes me feel.  We aggravate each other...we are cut from the same cloth, so that is to be expected. We share the same DNA, we know what buttons to push to bring the other to their knees. But again, I thought I was being supportive of you and your situation, even though I didn't verbally ask about it. I thought talking about the positives in your life was showing interest, support. I am not physic so I didn't know you needed more. If you need me to ask then I will, but there are a few things I need from you...be stronger than you think you are, be the bitch I know you can be when something isn't going the way you want it to, be the person that our mother raised you to be and stand up for yourself.  Don't let anyone tell you what to do. We have Mamie Davis blood running through us, and from what I know she didn't put up with bullshit, so stop taking the shit that is handed to you and handle your business. Give people the side eye when they question your judgement, give people the boot in your life that don't support you, say "hell to the NO," when you aren't getting what you want and really want it.  Be a fire in spite of all the rain that is hanging over your head right now. Is that too much to ask?  WE am not going anywhere, when you are ready to talk and let me in, I can sit and listen, but I will not pry like I said before.  Handle your business and don't let anyone tell you that you CAN'T do something or see/speak to anyone that has been in your life longer than they have. This is an open letter/invitation to talk and I will listen.  

Closeted Obsessive Christmas Decorator...

I decorated my house on Veteran's Day...now let me throw out a disclaimer: I have had all my purchased Christmas gifts in our office in the corner of the room since summer. My husband said one day prior to Veteran's Day, "do you want to put up the decorations?" I hesitated in my answer because I was unsure of what he was asking me. In my moments hesitation I lost my chance to decorate.  So, lesson learned.  Now Veteran's Day rolls around..."want me to get the decorations down from the attic?" With no hesitation I SAY YES!!! he had no chance to back out on this now.  It took me less then an hour to have two tress up and decorated, Christmas music playing in the house, candles burning and a bit of Christmas in every room of the house. Yes, even the bathroom has decorations.  Don't judge. I hide behind my emotions that Christmas season starts after turkey day, but this year and I judge people, especially my twin for decorating in October. Its like you say you don't like Brittany Spears to all your friends but then when you are alone in your car and a song comes on you are singing at the top of your lungs, saying "This is my JAM!!"  Its like that with me and Christmas decorating... I say I don't condone it before turkey day, but in my heart of hearts I wish I could leave them up all year long. I had all my gifts wrapped and under the tree that evening. Now, to be honest, I think I was sending subliminal messages to my husband starting in October, with me listening to Christmas music in the office while I did my homework, watching Elf and Christmas Vacation when he would come home from work...not that I was trying to trick him, but it worked!  But he did agree that its nice to have all the shopping done and now we just enjoy the holiday season and we don't have to stress about shopping and dealing with people that seemed to have lost the meaning of the holiday.

So with that being said: " I am a COCD...and I am taking the steps to get better, but really do I need help?"

Be kind today.

Thankful

I am not going to lie... I love CHRISTMAS!!! But I also love fall. I am enjoying the seasonal colors, smells and in about two weeks, the FOOD. I have so many things to be thankful this year.
1. My loverly husband who has stuck by me through a really rough six months.
2. My mother- she offers comic relief during my homework breaks.
3. My father- who has allowed me to come home once a week and disrupt his life, so that I can further my education.
4. My health-I am so thankful for the team of people I work with on a monthly basis to keep me sane. They are miracle workers.
5. Myself-I have worked hard to be a better person and focus on the positive in the world.
6. Friends-I have realized that some friendships are effortless and are just worth every second I put into them. I appreciate them and welcome getting to know them even better as time goes by.

I have been counting my blessings each day and focus on the positive around me. Be thankful for everything you have and the people in your life.

My hope is that I can continue to enjoy life and whatever it puts in front of me.

Be Kind  today.

Voting for my great grandmother and my great great grandmother...

Midyear elections are tomorrow...and you know what that means: not that many people will be out at the polls. Sorry to bust your democracy bubble, but people don't turn out for these elections like they should. These elections are probably more important than the Presidential Elections. Some will argue against that, but this is going to determine who is in charge of the House!!! I know this may not seem like anything, but this is big. I have my voter registration card ready to go and I will be in my PJs at 6am at my polling place to cast my vote. It is times like this that I am proud to be an American. This is one thing that we have control over, you can have your voice be heard if you just vote. I taught high school government and it was so sad to me that many of my students did not see the significance in being able to vote when they turned 18. I tried to explain that it is something they have always known they will be able to do, because so many people before them died for this basic right. So many countries intimidate voters and prevent democracy from happening, and they just take this right for granted. Maybe, just maybe, if they lived in a world where this wasn't a basic right they wouldn't take it for granted. I have a former student who lives in Egypt and she gets to see first hand what voting can do and how powerful the vote can be.

When my mother was growing up the right to vote was not for everyone...she went to a segregated school as my father did, even though they grew up practically in the next town. Their worlds were completely different living in the South.  In my family, only half of my ancestors had the right to vote from the moment they were born. (my father's side.) My mother's side of the family had to fight along side countless people that felt voting was a basic right and not matter who you are you should have that right. I have never asked my parents what it was like during the 60 and 70s...they were young and the world was their oyster. I called to talk to my mother today about what it was like, but of course she won't answer any of her phones...but I am getting off the point. I remember back when Obama first ran, my mother and I decided we were going to cast our vote early that year. We stood in the cold for about 40 minutes at the polling station. An older black man was standing behind us and he was sooooooooooo excited to vote. He had his young grandson with him, and he was explaining that this was an election that he never thought he would see in his lifetime. That is what I am talking about...this man's grandchild will not have to ever think that a black man running for office is impossible, he will not have to every doubt if it is safe for him to go to a polling station. Why? Because people came before him and paved the way.

So at 6am Tuesday I will be standing at the door of the church down the street, not only casting my vote for people I believe will make a difference, but I am casting my vote for my great grandmother Mamie Davis and my great great grandmother, and all the other ancestors that never got the chance to vote and know that they are making a difference.

VOTE on Tuesday!!! and be kind.

Confessions of the fat twin

As a twin you are constantly compared to the other. I was the smart, nerdy twin, while my sister was the artsy, creative one. I have even had people say to me, " no I was talking about the pretty twin, your sister. " Really people? Hello we look the same. Though we might look the same, and people are perplexed when they see us together-trust me it is freaky to see two people that look exactly alike. I stare at multiples all the time and now know what the big deal is.  Anyhoo... over the last year I have gained almost 30 pound due to medicine and depression. The medicine has helped with the depression but the weight gain doesn't exactly bode well for the psyche in some ways. I am not depressed about it, I have figured out that I have to learn to love this me and work on making sure I am healthy. If that means I am a little heavier than the last time you saw me, so be it. I am healthy, trust me. I eat healthy, I workout.  Here's the thing, you don't have to point it out to me. I know what I look like. I know that I have gained weight and I am working on losing a few pounds here and there, but becuase of the medicine I am taking that is going to be hard. But I am willing to put in the hard work...no not crazy, puking, my body hurts hard work, but hard work-i exercise at least 4 times a week and eat lots of fruit and veggies kind of hard work. Back to that don't mention it to me point...just accept that I have accepted that this might be the me that is going to be around for a long time and that I have accepted that. My idea of a healthy body image is that I am comfortable in who I am- and I am! when you can say that you are happy in the body that you have been given, then you are truly happy with the body you were given and that is a big thing. Don't let anyone step on that feeling. Women are constantly being told that if they are not a smaller size that they are not beautiful... I disagree. I am one of those not so small ladies anymore and I think I look damn good. If you have given birth to children and have had people tell you that you need to lose the "baby fat" tell them to go fly a kite. Your body sustained life and a little curve here and there is proof that you rock! We need to stop being obsessed with the size and focus on the healthy...if a woman is a size 15 but is healthy for her age- then let her rock her size 15 and move on. Again, this is just the thoughts of a woman until recently was the "thin" person...I am still learning to love my new body, but I love it. It's not going anywhere so I better like it right?

Be kind today.