Someday I will...

It's nice to think about the future so here is a list of what I hope to accomplish someday.
1. I will get my phd and show those haters what they are missing out on. (Yes there is a bit of anger in that statement, but it comes as a motivator to better myself.)
2. See both oceans. Maybe even dip my toe in them.
3. Teach at a university where I am able to be me.
4. Go back into the classroom with renewed faith that its for the students and its not about making the administrators and board members happy.
5. Help write legislation on why Common Core is the death of schools everywhere
6. Dance around with a tiara and sing out loud to my favorite songs.
7. Paint the dogs toenails without the SO thinking I am crazy.
8. Connect with more people, hardest thing in the world when you don't trust many.
9. Help others realize their potential.
10. Shake what my momma gave me...not on a table top momma sorry, too old for that!

These are things I will do in the near future, the future future, but I will do them. But for now, I am taking a day off from exercising, cleaning, and cooking and going back to bed to watch some shows on Netflix.

Have a great weekend and be kind to people you meet.

Adventures

Growing up in my house was never dull. What proceeds are several stories about my sister Takla and her ride or die best friend Misty. These are from my point of view so if there are any problems with the versions so sorry.
1. Here's the best part of the story and well really the whole story in itself...one of the kids nickname was "Nacho." Yes you read that right: "Nacho. " I believe my mom asked if his friends name was "Cheese." It only would make sense!
2. My sister had the pleasure of having my mom's old beat-up ford to drive around in during high school. This car was the color of dirt and well, it served its purpose my parents set out for it to do. Get her to and from school and that was it. Well, Misty and Talka decided one night they were going to go to STL for the night to go "clubbin." Let's just say the car knew they weren't supposed to be crossing the river and it broke down. Oh karma how funny you are.
3. Hands down the best is, if I remember correctly they said they were on a trip for school but they were actually hanging out at a hotel in Collinsville, which again the car knew it wasn't supposed to be. My parents got a tip off about this illegal trip and got me and my twin out of bed and we drown around to all the hotels looking for the car. I can't remember if we found the car or they just waited for them to come home the next day to "beat the stupid" out of them.

Well...as far as adventures go, those are the few I remember. I am sure they got into more trouble than our parents knew of.

Be kind today.

Take advantage

While sitting here typing and doing work, I noticed that there is a chipmunk that has been coming around the bird feeders lately. He started coming around when the squirrels started knocking my feeders down. While watching the little one climb and eat my bird food. He climbs the tree with precision and takes nothing from the cardinals that rule the roost in my backyard. See its not size that matters. (get your minds out of the gutters.) Its about how far you are willing to go to get what you want. Now I actually think the chipmunk works smarter than the squirrels. He climbs the tree to eat the suet, but he sits quietly below the feeders and waits for the squirrels to do all the hard work. He is strategic in his motions and doesn't care what the squirrels are doing. (one just knocked over another feeder just as I am typing. I am now going to have to figure out how to get out of my snuggie and kill some squirrels!!!)I really am going to have to figure out a way for these squirrels to keep off the feeders...they keep dumping it all out... one is perched on it now and just going to town. It is time like these that you know God has a sense of humor. Why else would he give these little rodents thumbs and those monkey like tails?? Go after what you want and get it, as long as you don't hurt anyone in the process. Be a little chipmunk and wait for the squirrels to do the hard stuff and then swoop in and do your bit. Sometimes you just have to take advantage of the work that others have done before you and work smarter not harder.

Be kind.

Quiet

I honestly have nothing really to talk about today. I have been quiet since I woke up this morning, so that is a clue that I don't particularly feel that great. I think just be silent worries people around me. They think something is really wrong if I am not talking! No really people I just want to be quiet and have nothing to really say about anything. That is a problem in the world: Everyone has something to say about everything. You know that golden rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, I am learning to keep that close to my heart most of the day. It is better for me to be quiet than speak. I would rather you think something is wrong with me than say something that could potentially cause problems after it has been said. And to be honest, I am not as opinionated as some would have you believe. So the basis of this is just keep your mouth shut when its not something that needs to be said. Now of course if something is happening that is unjust, cruel, etc. then by all means yell at the top of your lungs! But for now just be quiet.

Be kind to people today.

Dinner with the Family

Sitting down to dinner was mandatory in my family. We ate every meal together, and then we would clean up the kitchen and then relax for the rest of the afternoon. Being a military child we didn't question a lot that are parents TOLD us to do. It was a matter of how fast do they want said task done and can we accomplish the task.  Well dinner was a task. Here are just some of the rules we had to deal with:
*had to have our napkins in our laps
*had to use a knife to put things onto the fork, no fingers
*elbows were never allowed on the table-that was a NO-NO
*nothing to drink while you eat...because you of course would drink all your water as a six year old and fill up on water. (this rule was crazy, since they only allowed us to drink water. Don't even get me started on the Mamie Davis Hatley way of making Kool-aid.)
*you had to try everything on your plate- no wait you had to EAT everything on your plate. Even if asparagus were to induce vomiting, still had to eat it.
*IF you were luck, enough to get something stuffed in your napkin-it would be searched before you left the table.

Seriously, my parents weren't playing around. But looking back on it, I enjoyed those family meals we had. We talked, laughed, vomited, hid food, etc. Sitting down to dinner is almost a foreign thing in this society today. Children are over scheduled, parents are working long hours and there just seems to be no time to sit down together. If and when I have children, I will make it a point to sit down at the table every night, even if I am super busy. How else am I going to know what is going on in the world of my child if I don't talk to them? Dinner is perfect-you ask a question they answer, and then you can part some wisdom on them while their mouth is full and they can't respond. (trick done by Mr. and Mrs. Hatley)

Be kind today and have dinner with the family tonight. :)

Family Affair

My family is very interesting...we have a few quirks that I think make us pretty awesome. But I am biased since I am part of this family. First the makeup of the family is was pretty radical when it started, but has grown to be somewhat of a norm these days. I guess it was the late 70s when my parents got married, each having a child from a previous marriage. My oldest sister being Japanese American and my middle sister being African American. Oh yeah, my dad is white and my momma is black. I forgot to mention that. They met while stationed in Japan.  So right about 1981, my twin and I make an appearance into the world. We are a perfect blend of our parents and our ancestors. My great great g-ma on my mothers side was a slave with children by her master, my fathers family hails all the way from Europe. (and now my mom tells me there might even be Native American in our genes too...how exciting.)  But anyhoo, we blended nicely-we both have fair skin, deep blue eyes that change depending on what mood we are in, spiral hair, that is a deep auburn/black color. (my twin has chosen to color her hair and straighten it as where I don't color my hair and keep it natural.) Anyhoo, so here are some other reasons my family rocks:

1. As a child my parents would lie to us about Santa getting gifts mixed up (he is a hard working man and can't keep everything straight) only to find out that Santa can't hold his liquor and got a little drunk while wrapping the last of the gifts. We didn't put out milk for Santa it was always wine... it all makes sense now.
2. We watch Dallas as young children, not sure if this was appropriate for young children but we turned out ok.
3. While cleaning the kitchen after dinner, Takla- middle sister, would always disappear to the bathroom till everything was completed. She might still do this trick to this day.
4. Also, while cleaning the kitchen, we would, the girls turn the radio up loud and dance and sing to whatever song it was.
5. TO this day my twin, Aiisha,  middle sister and I can do interpretative dance of Ice Ice Baby.
6. The Cosby show was always on at 7 pm on Thursdays, no excuses.
7. My parents told us we were going to see a WHITE HORSE, and it was a pile of rocks. This was suppose to be a cultural excursion while living in England, but to a five year old, it SUCKED!
8. Paddington Bear the book was a hot topic in our house. Takla had to have the book and was forced to finish it. To this day there is debate whether or not she actually read it or was just moving the bookmark.
9. My oldest sister had the worst perm in her hair while in high school, wait a moment so did my middle sister. The older one had curly bangs and hair, but she has bone straight hair, so it didn't take so well. Takla had a fade that went at an angle and she even had a Z cut into the side of the fade.
10. My parents never made us think we were step/half sisters!

We grew up in a funny household, but I wouldn't change anything in the world for it. We were stared at as a family, but that did bother us too much. I just like to think that they were looking at a very handsome family and couldn't take their eyes off of us.

Be kind and tell the ones you love that you care for them!

Rare Books

Can we change the way people perceive us? Or are we doomed to have people  think the same thing about us for the rest of our lives... A friend sent me a link to a great article talking about this exact thing. Making friends out of enemies. It had something to do with how Benjamin Franklin turned an enemy into a friend just by asking him to "borrow a rare book." The person was so flattered that he would even ask, he was so friendly to him from that point on. Have you ever done this? My mother always says "Kill them with kindness." I feel that this is great advice. You should not give anyone a reason to think ill of you, but you can beat them at their own game if you really, really, have to. If needs be, ask to "borrow a rare book" and forever have that person eating out of your hands.

Be kind.

What If Factor

What if you:
1. Danced around tonight and sang at the top of your lungs to songs from when you were in high school
2. Ate breakfast for dinner or had dessert first
3. Called up an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile and reconnected
4. Told someone you are thinking of them and hope that everything is going ok for them
5. Smiled at everyone you met today
6. Held the door for someone, even if you had to wait a little bit for them to get to the door
7. Told your mom and dad thank you for raising you
8. Held the hand of you SO as you cross the street to enter the store
9. Sat down at the table and played a board game instead of watching tv tonight
10. Were the first to say "I'm Sorry" in an argument

What if you just lived your life for you and the people you loved, how great would that be? Do not become concerned about what others think of you. You are not on this earth for people to judge, you are on this earth to do something fabulous, so take the WHAT IFs and do them. No regrets in your life, you don't want to be sorry you never tried something because of the What If factor.

Be kind.

Destiny

Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, our actions become our character, our character becomes our destiny.- Gandhi

Think about this for a moment what is your destiny? Do you ever really know what it is while you are alive? I guess what Gandhi was saying was, your character means a lot to not only you but to the people around you and that is in an essence your destiny. How you treat, speak and act towards people becomes how your life will turn out. If you speak with king words, do kind things and think kind things then your character is kind. 
Now no one is perfect and its hard to say that I have NEVER thought a mean thing in my life. (trust me over the last few months, many horrible words have been thought and said about a particular group of people.) But I am human, you can't be perfect all the time. Do you really think Gandhi thought good things all the time...probably not, but he realized that his character was what people saw and that determined how his life was going to turn out. 
I guess he moral of the story is, think, speak, do kind things and your character for the most part will be kind. That is the destiny I wish for all of you, a kind one.

Go forth and spread the kindness.

Superhero Powers

Today is a do nothing day...which means I will do more than I planned on. I have learned over the last few months that if I want to do nothing that is completely FINE.  I do not have to be a superhero and do everything on my list of things to do, just to feel accomplished. In fact if I were a superhero my powers would be as follow:

1. Do nothing and still look cool doing it in my cape and leotard. (yes I am going old school with my costume.)
2. Be able to transport myself to destinations without driving...way faster.
3. Have the ability to tell BULLSHIT from the truth without the pain of believing the BULLSHIT.
4. Be able to be fearless in the face of conflict.
5. Overcome my fear of distrusting people and their motives towards me.
6. Master the art of small talk!
7. Blow glitter in the face of my enemies...it would just burst out of my special gloves that have glitter packs in them. Why glitter you might ask, 1. its hard to get off you, and 2. it will remind them of how SHINY my spirit really is.
8. Have a league of superheros that help others see their own strengths-superhero training.
9. Save the world. (this is every superheros duty...it had to be said.)
10. Love myself not just for all the superpowers I possess but for the human parts I possess as well.

This is a short list and I could continue, but its time to save the house from the giant fuzz ball of dog hair!
Be kind today and remember I like you even without the superpowers.

Addicted

Hello,
My name Is Anjae and I am a treadmill addict. I wasn't going to work out today, due to extreme exhaustion but guess what, I did it. I woke up thought I was going to sit on the couch till my appointment today and voila' there I am on the treadmill. Its like it stands in the corner and taunts me. Please if you have this problem there is help for you, its called HEALTHY. I know I have posted about my workout habits already this week, but even when I am tired, I do it. SO there are no excuses anymore. And is it bad that I wanted to workout so I could burn the calories and gain a few more food calories so I could have my Starbucks coffee today? NO, of course not. With the time I have I get to focus on me and I can happily say I am addicted to my loverly treadmill!

Be kind today.

New Day

Rainy days always make me sleepy. I slept in till about 9:45 today, which is really late for me. Had my morning coffee and now I am ready to go back to bed. There is a dog sitting at my feet that would gladly go back to bed with me-no objections. So, today I thought I would give you some ideas on what one does during a rainy day. Some of these I will be doing today, others are just mere suggestions if you have the time and the means.

1. Read a good book, while wrapped in your leopard snuggie. (yes this one is happening today!)
2. talk to your twin on the phone about how her moving down the street is going.
3. Start planning your summer vacation weekend to CHICAGO to see a pretty lady and her family. (Nad, I really am coming to visit!)
4. dance around with the dog to some loud music that makes you think of college-which has now been 10 years since you were a freshman.
5. Watch the cardinals play on the bird line outside your window.
6. Watch the hawk fly through the backyard and intimidate the cardinals.
7. Use some glitter to create something special....this one you have to do with care, since glitter is like sand it ends up in places you never thought it could go.
8. Try taking the dog out, but you get of look of,  "Would you go out there to pee? Cause I sure am not!"
9. Call your mother and discuss everything under the sun and have her tell you a story about when she ran away to New York. (Momma I haven't heard the whole story.)
10. Enjoy the day and know that what ever worries you had today are being washed away with the rain. Tomorrow is a new dawn and a new day...and you will be feeling fine!

be kind today.

Motives

What are my motives when I wake up in the morning and get on my treadmill and walk for the duration of a prime time tv show? The answer is simple: self worth. I want to feel good again about who I am. Yes, I have discussed this before, but that was on a emotional well being. This is about being comfortable in the body I have and how I perceive myself. Let's get this straight, I both hate and love my treadmill...it stares at me in the corner of the living room so I have no choice but to get my butt on it and go. I don't even sit on the couch till I am ready to have my coffee after my morning workout and shower. That couch has magic powers, it has been known to keep me and my SO on it for hours watching entire seasons of shows with no regard to our well being. Anyhoo, back to the main point; I want to feel energized and good about who I am and not worry so much about how I look in something. I am in awe of women that are happy with the bodies they have and take no heed to what others say. I am working on that not caring what others think about me too, so don't worry that won't be a post anytime soon. :)  Sara Bareilles  has a song called Beautiful Girl and it fits this post perfectly. Be kind to others today and love who you are no matter what. You were created to be beaUtiful!

"Beautiful Girl"

You wanna walk into the room like that other girl does
The one that’s always making everybody fall in love
You see…girl you’re a lot like me.
She rearranges all the light in the room so you’re always in the shadows,
Well that’s what it feels like to you…
Baby I’ve been there too.
And I know how much it can sometimes hurt,
You feel like the whole world has made you the ugly girl.
Take it from me that you have to see it first.

So before you trade in your summer skin for those high heeled shoes, 
To make him want to be with you.
Let me remind you one more time…
That just maybe, you’re beautiful but you just cant see.
So why don’t you trust me,
They’ll see it too you beautiful girl you

You wanna lay the blame on somebody else, 
All these tiny little minds that leave you up on a shelf.
But okay, I’ve seen it done that way.
Just in case nobody ever comes through, 
Riding in to come to your rescue.
You still have a chance,
You don’t have to be asked to dance.
I know how much you’ve been dying to say,
Look how much everybody loves me.
Guess who gets left when everyone else fades away

So before you trade in your summer skin for those high heeled shoes, 
To make him want to be with you.
Let me remind you one more time…
That just maybe, you’re beautiful but you just can’t see.
So why don’t you trust me
They’ll see it too you beautiful girl you

Blind

As a biracial woman growing up was not easy. My mother is black and my father is white. I also have a black sister and a Japanese sister along with my twin. Nice right?  So when the family when out, we got stared at a lot. Looking back on it I think people were just trying to figure out how that was possible. I am not going to draw a diagram of my family, just trust me, they are my sisters and the two I call my parents are my parents. No adoption happened, its all biological. Being a military child had its perks. Growing up on a military base, everyone was different so we never got stared at or had rude things said to us. It was once we left the base we encountered that type of behavior.

Growing up after my parents retired from the military meant we attended the public schools in the area. This is when I first realized my family wasn't like others. The color of skin mattered to outsiders way more than it did in my world. Grade school in Illinois was the first place someone made fun of my hair because it was curly and a little frizzy, high school was the place where I got to play a nice balancing act. "she isn't white but she isn't black." Your identity is based on what color your skin is and that was hard to understand. I really never liked going places with just my mom outside of the base, I would get upset at people that stared in the small city we grew up in. When I was in high school, my mother would try to hold my hand in public and I would shy away from it. It wasn't till I got to college that I finally saw that I am beautiful the way God made me and my family is pretty cool. I till this day will hold my mother's hand whenever she reaches for it. I even grab hers too.

My parents implanted the mind set that we are all the same and color is nothing. Its the character you have, behind the beautiful shades of color you happen to have, that matters. In a way our parents taught us to be colored blind. Maybe that is why my middle sister adopted three children in the last year. She didn't see three white children, she saw three children that needed love and a home and she and her husband, along with their two children welcomed them into our family. We do not see color.
IN my classroom I would treat all my students the same. When they would find out that I was not white, it would blow their mind. They then started to see that I don't see color, its character and that is it. I am blinded to your hair, your race, your religion, political views, its about who you are as a human being. Guess what, we all share that in common and we can't be blinded by that. We all bleed the same color of deep red blood and we all breath the same air into our lungs. So I ask that today you walk blindly into the world and love people for their hearts not the color of their skin. If being blind is hard for you, it just means you have to practice. So go forth and be blind.

Reasons to Teach...

In honor of it being Teacher Appreciation Week I thought I would get my blog post completed early.
I watched my mother teach high school for close to 20 years. She was the teacher that most students thought was mean and gave it to them straight. NO sugar coating with Msgt. Hatley. I never thought I wanted to be a teacher till I was working on my Masters degree. I fell in love instantly. I think it has to happen that way for someone to truly want to teach and make a difference. No matter the age you teach, and if you really do love what you do, regardless of the petty school politics, cliques (and yes they exist), little pay for lots of work, the reasons to teach are too many to type out here, but I thought I would take a stab at a few.

1. A Hello in the hallway from your students can make your day.
2. Money is good but when you see student connect to what you are teaching, it's PRICELESS.
3. Your days are long, but rewarding.
4. You love the "bad" kids just as much as the "good" kids. (sometimes a little more)
5. No matter the age you teach, you are amazed at how the young mind thinks about things.
6. Its wonderful to see the light bulb finally light up when they get it.
7. You can't count on your fingers how many times they try to make you smile/laugh before November.
8. They become "your kids" and you won't let anyone talk bad about them.
9. You find yourself trying to figure out how to make a seating chart that will make your life easier on days your not feeling 100%.
10. Independent work days in class-complete silence!
11. (I teach high school so this works a little better) Sarcasm can break the ice on the first day of school.
12. Standing at the door before each hour and saying hello to each student that walks in.
13. Getting your OWN classroom.
14. You question why you got into the profession your first year (its rough) but then a student comes back after they graduate and says thank you.
15. You truly love planting a seed of knowledge in their brains-even if they pretend they aren't listening.

I am not in the classroom at the moment and won't be while I am working on my Phd, but I can tell you I miss every second of it. I wouldn't want to do anything else in the world but teach. It takes special people to be teachers and I know a few teachers that love their jobs and go into work everyday thankful they get to do what they love. They love it because its not just a job, its their passion. My mother and father always told me and my sisters do something you are passionate about and you will be happy. I have never been more happier than when I would hear down the hall, "Hello, Ms. Hatley." It's like music to my ears. So think of a teacher that has touched your life and say a little thank you to them before you end the week. And teacher friends I have out there: keep doing what you'are doing even though its hard, you are making a difference I promise. I didn't think I was until I was no longer in the classroom. Be kind tomorrow and have a great weekend. What a great way to finish the week-thanking teachers and mothers!

Sweet somethings

This one is going to be short and sweet, because I think I am going back to bed. Super tired today.

All I ask is that today you tell your children, husband, wife, mother, father, sister or anyone important in your life just how much you love them. IF they are close by reach out to them and hug them. My father hugged me for the first time two weeks ago, something he hadn't done since I can't even remember. It went straight to my heart. Hugging is something that can comfort the person that is doubtful of their worth in immeasurable ways. So again, all I ask of you today, just tell the people you care about how much you care for them. Whether it be a card, a hug or just whisper to them before bed a little sweet nothing, that can mean more than you will ever know. They are not nothings... they somethings that can put your loved one at ease and it not only will strengthen the bond you have with them, but it is something they can pass on to a person they care for. Be kind today and love the ones you have around you. 

Vexations

A friend sent me something to read yesterday, that was wonderful and put a thought into my mind. The statement is long, but there was a part a bout "avoiding aggressive people..." They are "vexations" to the spirit. I read this and thought this is completely contradictory to what many people teach their children or tell themselves about the way they should be in life. Being aggressive is a trait that many value. I used was taught that if you want something you have to go get it. Being aggressive has helped me but it has also hurt me. What my friend sent me hit a cord with me, especially this one small part. I avoid almost ALL people, when I should be avoiding the AGGRESSIVE people. Those are the people that have been trouble in my life and created a hole in the space where my tolerance for people lays. the definition of vexation: the state of being annoyed, frustrated, or worried.


Think about it...the AGGRESSIVE people you know in your life, or even if you consider yourself aggressive- how do many people react to you? Now I am not saying being aggressive is wrong, but to be engulfed in it it makes your spirit heavy and can do the same for the spirit of others. I know that being aggressive brings a drive... I would consider myself very driven, but that does not mean I have to be aggressive. I have decided that it is better to be less aggressive to ease my mind and the minds of those around me. Its less stress and easier on the spirit. In our society we teach our children that the more aggressive you are in life the happier you will be, because you have worked hard for it.We unfortunately live in a world that aggressiveness is awarded and the people that have chosen a different path are labeled weak or not driven. Being aggressive in life is hard work. I almost lost myself in how aggressively I was seeking people's approval that I had to just walk away. (well, they sort of made me walk away-but in hind sight I am happier for it.) Just be a happy balance of aggressive and amiable and you should be ok. And no this does not mean don't be driven and try to get everyone to like you, its more about you and how you feel at the end of the day. If you can smile as you fall asleep at night then you've got it! So go forth and spread joy and kindness and that, one day will be rewarded, promise!

What my momma did tell me...

My mother is my role model. There are a lot of things that my momma hasn't told me yet, but she does give life lessons daily if you are interested... I think they start at 8 am and continue till 9 pm. But here is a short list of what my momma DID teach me about life:

1. Sometimes you that to lie a little to get what you want-the benefit outweighs the lie.
2. IF you dance on a table wear pants- a dress is just tacky.
3. Never, never leave the hour without earrings or some bling-even if going on a sweaty walk around the block.
4. Eat what you love.
5. Laugh loud and often-especially with family and friends.
6. When you hit 60 you can be as cranky as you want to be.
7. When you hit 50 you can start passing gas in public and not excuse yourself.
8. Being in love and loving someone are completely different.
9. If momma's child is happy, then momma is happy.
10. Never drink too much blueberry wine- it leads to memory loss.
11. #10 can also lead to getting your foot caught in the sheet and you falling into out of the bed and into the closet door.
12. Vacuum early in the morning before everyone gets up=best alarm ever!
13. If you can't put the outfit on/take it off without assistance don't wear it.
14. Momma is always going to be there for you no matter what!
15. IF momma needs to she will yell "PIMP DOWN," to distract people so you can get away.

My momma is a great lady and she tells it like it is. She doesn't hold back and those life lessons she gives actually do imprint on my mind and have made me the woman I am today. Mother's day is around the corner and in honor of all the mommas alive and who have passed, just remember as a woman we are mini versions of what our mothers taught us...and that is some powerful stuff. We are strong women because of the struggles they went through to give us the life we had growing up.
Be kind to people today.

Transformation

I have been trying to lose weight, one of the great side effects of the medicine I am taking. (YEAH!) The motivation to goes back and forth between: I want to be super lazy and Damn I better get this done or I am going to have more problems. The past two weeks have been the latter, which I am grateful for. I am determined to stay positive no matter what. Life could be worse right? Having to lose a few pounds isn't as bad as it seems. I get to watch a half hour of My Name Is Earl, while I am on the treadmill/elliptical and lifting weights so its not too bad. I start my day with my workout and then my daily thoughts. Transformations are slow but they are worth it. I may curse a lot when working out, but I am screaming at the fat girl inside of me and telling her to vacate as soon as possible.  Stay motivated and be kind to people today.

Lilac

I am blessed that I live in a place that affords me the opportunity to cut fresh lilac from the bushes by my house. That might be a silly statement to make, but for me it is a big statement. It is BIG because a year ago I would not have wanted to cut lilac from the yard, I would not have wanted to create a nice outdoors sitting area with my SO and enjoy eating dinner outside. I am blessed that I am in a better place now and am continuing to become better. I am growing and have enjoyed moments to learn new things about myself. So I cut my lilac and smile. Enjoy the beauty this life has to offer, even if its as small as a bunch a lilac twigs in jar on your dinning room table. Be kind to people.

Small things

Living with anxiety is something that if you have it you know how constricting your life can be. What seems like a simple/small task can be the biggest obstacle to tackle when you have anxiety. I don't believe in CAN'T anymore, so its about finding ways to overcome the obstacle and make it easier for the wave of fear to come to a calm swell. By facing what really is hard for us is the best medicine. I have problems in crowds, and being in control. If I am in control of the situation or have someone with me, I am fine. Take away those factors and it becomes a sea of confusion and panic. I am surprised I am even writing about this, because this is something that I don't talk about. I don't tell people, I can't meet with you for lunch because I am terrified of being around people I don't know. I don't tell people I feel super awkward around people and unless I am in control of the situation I feel like running away. It's therapeutic to put the words down so that I can face the problem head on. I am in my head way too much. That is something that hinders me a lot, my big old brain won't let me stop thinking. So, if you are in my life, please know that I want you in my life, it will just take some time for me to be able to do all the things I would like to once again. I appreciate being able to do the small things that I am able to do, and one day those small things will become BIG THINGS! Be kind to people today.