*I thought long and hard on if I wanted to write about the election results from last week. I have not posted anything since Wednesday regarding the election and have tried my best to not engage in any conversations about this election results. I finally decided that I needed to get my thoughts out and not have them all in my head. (I am not looking for a discussion/debate about the election...these are my thoughts and I just want to say what has been weighing on my heart for the past few days.)
I am a biracial woman. My parent's marriage would have been illegal if the Supreme Court had not stepped in to say that it is unconstitutional to prohibit persons from marriage based on the race. I have a black sister, with two biological children and three adopted white children. I have a Japanese-American sister who has two sons that are half black and Japanese. I am married to a white man. I cover my hair. I LOOK white.
When I woke up at 2am and learned of the results, I cried. I didn't cry just for myself. I cried for my sisters and my nieces and nephews. I cried for my parents. I cried for my former students. I cried for everyone that did not fit into this "NEW AMERICA." Now, I have read from so many people that people that are so upset about the outcome of the election are being dramatic and just need to get over it, I say this to you...what is your experience with discrimination, physical altercations based on your race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, have you ever been followed in a store by an employee; do you want me to keep going? Has anyone ever come up to you and told you to go back to the jungle or the desert? Seriously, what are your experiences? I cried for all these reasons. I am sitting here fighting tears now, just thinking about it. Since the election, incidents of racism and even physical altercations against persons that do not fit this "NEW AMERICA" mold have been shown all over the media. Protests have popped up across the country in response to the results, and all the President Elect has done is tweet out that "it's the media's fault." Why is this man NOT taking responsibility for the last eighteen months of the words that fell from his lips?
Protesting, incidents of racism: and you, the President Elect have said nothing to dampen out the fire, that you ignited the moment you started your campaign. You claim that you did not say these things, or tell people to do these things...I beg of you to look back at every single appearance you did in the last 18 months. Listen to the words you said and the applause you received for making fun of a man with a disability, the words you spoke about grabbing women, the marginalizing words you spoke about just about every group of people except white people...and then tell me that you had nothing to do with what is going on right now. Your words were just the catalyst needed for people, that have felt this way for some time, to do what they have apparently wanted to for a long time. You not coming out and saying to your 'supporters' to not gloat, and act with violence; only shows the Americans that are our protesting and in awe of the results, that you may not be what will "Make America Great Again." You pushing it off on the media is what you have been doing your entire campaign, take responsibility for your words, you said them, they are becoming this country's reality. I cry for that.
I cover my hair, as do many women from many religions, but many women cover for health reasons as well as for mere fashion. I contemplated on the morning after the election if I should cover to my substitute job. My husband was concerned for me. I got up and wrapped with purpose that day and the next and will continue to do so. I will not let the election of one person stop me from being who I am and do something that I feel compelled to do. This is a part of who I am. My covering is an extension of me and I will not let anyone strip that away from me. IF you think I am Muslim, fine. I am not offended by that. I stand proudly with my sisters who wear the Hijab or any woman that chooses to cover for any reason. I dare someone to reach for my cover...I am a small woman, but you invade my space we have an issue. If I see anyone covered (male or female) again for any reason, being harassed, I learned a nice tip from a little meme; step in and start a random conversation with the person. Smile and let them know you are there for them. I cry for the fact that I and other women that cover had to contemplate whether to cover the day after the election.
I had a fifth grader and third grader ask me this week if they were going to be sent back to China. It took everything in me not to loose my shit...I held it together and simply said, "I am hopeful that they were just words." Then the third grader said to me, "But, words are very powerful." Again, trying not to cry. How is it that children see this and yet adults do not see or hear these things? I was explaining this conversation to another teacher, and I wanted to punch her when she said, "Oh, THEY hear that from their parents, and if they want to leave, don't let the door hit them." I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone! I looked at her and said, "She is a child, and she heard it from TRUMP as did I." and continued writing my notes. I don't care what your political views are at this moment, but when small child is concerned about being sent away from their home, you should show compassion, not blatant contempt for their worries. I cry for that child that fears having to leave their home.
There are so many events in American history that make it hard to be a history teacher and teach without my own personal views invading my lessons. So many events in this countries history, that I am not proud of as an American. I am glad that they have passed, but I cry knowing that this election and the events that follow will end up in a history book one day. I will have to teach about this election and keep my shit together. I will have to teach about this election and not present me personal views to my students. I cry because this election is part of American history for the wrong reason.
Am I proud to be an American? Yes. I am proud that I was born in a country that allows me to voice my opinion in a open forum like this. I am proud that I can say what I feel about a political servant and not fear jail time. Am I proud of what America looks like right now? NO. I am ashamed for people to read about how this country is reacting to an election. An election is supposed to be a simple transition of power; it has been that way in this country for decades. This election has changed that and will forever leave it's mark on the world's mind and unfortunately it will impact how they will want to deal with us in the future. Will I call this man President? No. He has not earned the right or the honor of this title. Yes, he won the election, but that is not enough. He has not shown any sign of being capable of bringing together the people that 'support' him and the people that are against him. He has not mentioned it once. His campaign doesn't seem to be bothered by it either. His character does not match that of past presidents, and yes, he will be compared to past presidents. I would even go as far to say he is not even on the level of BUSH...and that is a lot for me to say. I was not a fan of the Bush Presidency, but his character was not completely appalling to warrant me to never want to discuss him or even call him President. I cry for the fact that I can not call this man my President, that I am not proud of this country and how it has reacted to the election and that the divide in this country is seemingly getting larger.
I cry because the hope I have for the country seems to be out of reach at the moment. I cry because it is hard to explain to people why I am so distort over the election. I cry because I am afraid for myself, family and friends who don't fit in this "NEW AMERICA," that has shown itself in the last 72 hours or more.
I cry for a country divided.
Be Kind.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
I wore Blue
Today is Election Day. In honor of the Suffragette Movement many women that support our FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE will be wearing white in some form. I was wearing a little white in the wrap that I chose to wear today when I cast my ballot; but the most prominent color I wore was BLUE.
I wore Blue
I wore Blue today for a family tree that is incomplete
I wore Blue for the color of the water that transported my ancestors from Africa to an land that was not their own
I wore Blue for the color of the sky that they saw when they looked up to, while standing on the platform waiting for the final price to be called out
Blue for the color of eyes the man who took what wasn't his from a strong woman in my family line
I wore blue for the color of ink that flowed from the pen that my great grandmother signed her name with
Blue for the color of eyes I share with my twin; thanks to that recessive gene from that slave owners force upon a woman my great great grandmother called mother
I wore Blue for the name Mamie, given to my mother, by her mother, who was named Mamie
I wore Blue for my grand-daddy who served this country but didn't have the right to vote
Blue for my mother's parents, for blue is pure and crisp like the air, the day my mother and I stood outside eight years ago and voted for the FIRST BLACK MAN become President
I wore Blue
Be Kind.
I wore Blue
I wore Blue today for a family tree that is incomplete
I wore Blue for the color of the water that transported my ancestors from Africa to an land that was not their own
I wore Blue for the color of the sky that they saw when they looked up to, while standing on the platform waiting for the final price to be called out
Blue for the color of eyes the man who took what wasn't his from a strong woman in my family line
I wore blue for the color of ink that flowed from the pen that my great grandmother signed her name with
Blue for the color of eyes I share with my twin; thanks to that recessive gene from that slave owners force upon a woman my great great grandmother called mother
I wore Blue for the name Mamie, given to my mother, by her mother, who was named Mamie
I wore Blue for my grand-daddy who served this country but didn't have the right to vote
Blue for my mother's parents, for blue is pure and crisp like the air, the day my mother and I stood outside eight years ago and voted for the FIRST BLACK MAN become President
I wore Blue
Be Kind.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Awake
Aware of what goes on around you most of the time, but not really sure of where you belong
Wayward to the point of almost knowing where you will be at the end of the road
Always able to feel more than others and taking in more than you should
Knowing that you will wake up feeling just as exhausted as you did when you went to sleep
Eeverything weighs you down, as if you are on the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim
My reality, I'm still Awake.
Be kind.
How will you be seen?
I am the 23 chromosomes of a descendants of slaves
I am the curly haired, straight nose, blue eyed, thick lipped contradiction to your white washed world
I am that one drop rule that makes me unacceptable to the majority
It's ok to grab and comment on my body, take advantage of and have to live with it just have people say, "Boys will be boys," or "It's just locker room talk."
It's my fault for not bringing up the situation when it happened...blame me for being traumatized and told it won't go anywhere, even if I did say something.
My illness is real, but will it be treated as such?
Will I and so many others be mocked by you and told it's all in our heads?
Will my sister have to worry about the quality of life her youngest son will have because of his "disability?"
Will the covering I wear on my head, the covering that my Muslim friends wear become more of a threat to you and your "policy making?"
Shipping costs are going to rise with you in office if you try to ship off all of the "NON-AMERICANS"(none of us are true Americans) ; only those battling over that pipeline will be left.
Walls. I do not want to be on the same side of the wall that you stand.
No one will build this wall for you.
Will the hatred that you preach like a sermon from your racist pulpit, divide our country more than ever before?
You have opened "Pandora's Box" and it doesn't seem to want to close...
Too many wounds have been opened- made deeper by your words, words of your followers, words from a man who claims to be the voice of the people.
If you ARE the voice of the people, I beg of you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You do NOT speak for me.
You will NEVER speak for me.
Election day is in one week...please take your vote seriously and exercise your right to vote. VOTE...don't think that your voice does not matter; it does!
Be kind.
I am the curly haired, straight nose, blue eyed, thick lipped contradiction to your white washed world
I am that one drop rule that makes me unacceptable to the majority
It's ok to grab and comment on my body, take advantage of and have to live with it just have people say, "Boys will be boys," or "It's just locker room talk."
It's my fault for not bringing up the situation when it happened...blame me for being traumatized and told it won't go anywhere, even if I did say something.
My illness is real, but will it be treated as such?
Will I and so many others be mocked by you and told it's all in our heads?
Will my sister have to worry about the quality of life her youngest son will have because of his "disability?"
Will the covering I wear on my head, the covering that my Muslim friends wear become more of a threat to you and your "policy making?"
Shipping costs are going to rise with you in office if you try to ship off all of the "NON-AMERICANS"(none of us are true Americans) ; only those battling over that pipeline will be left.
Walls. I do not want to be on the same side of the wall that you stand.
No one will build this wall for you.
Will the hatred that you preach like a sermon from your racist pulpit, divide our country more than ever before?
You have opened "Pandora's Box" and it doesn't seem to want to close...
Too many wounds have been opened- made deeper by your words, words of your followers, words from a man who claims to be the voice of the people.
If you ARE the voice of the people, I beg of you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You do NOT speak for me.
You will NEVER speak for me.
Election day is in one week...please take your vote seriously and exercise your right to vote. VOTE...don't think that your voice does not matter; it does!
Be kind.
Friday, October 21, 2016
What are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
Am I hurting you in any way?
Are your children in danger if they walk past me in the street?
Will you be scared in some way if I speak to you and ask you for directions, because I am not from around here, you see?
How long are you going to stare at me, before you just walk away and mutter a slur under your breath?
What will it take for you to see that I am not a threat, but a lesson for you instead?
Why do you have such a distaste for a glorious piece of fabric?
Do you stop to ask me why I wear this crown or do you just assume something with your hateful stares?
What is it that is in the fabric that triggers you to grab for my covering and yell at me?
Why are you so afraid?
Do you know me, to be afraid of me and the garment I have chosen to adorn MY head with?
Have you come to the conclusion that I am just another one of "them" that needs to "go back to where they came from!"? But in reality, we all originated from one spot!
Our origins are intertwined, but you do not see that, you only see what frightens you...
What are you so afraid of?
It's just a beautiful scarf that means many different things to so many different people.
What are you so afraid of?
This is for all the women AND men who have ever been harassed for the choice to cover for whatever reason. Covering is a personal choice and no one should ever have to fear for their safety because of a personal choice they have made for THEMSELVES!
Be kind to each other.
Am I hurting you in any way?
Are your children in danger if they walk past me in the street?
Will you be scared in some way if I speak to you and ask you for directions, because I am not from around here, you see?
How long are you going to stare at me, before you just walk away and mutter a slur under your breath?
What will it take for you to see that I am not a threat, but a lesson for you instead?
Why do you have such a distaste for a glorious piece of fabric?
Do you stop to ask me why I wear this crown or do you just assume something with your hateful stares?
What is it that is in the fabric that triggers you to grab for my covering and yell at me?
Why are you so afraid?
Do you know me, to be afraid of me and the garment I have chosen to adorn MY head with?
Have you come to the conclusion that I am just another one of "them" that needs to "go back to where they came from!"? But in reality, we all originated from one spot!
Our origins are intertwined, but you do not see that, you only see what frightens you...
What are you so afraid of?
It's just a beautiful scarf that means many different things to so many different people.
What are you so afraid of?
This is for all the women AND men who have ever been harassed for the choice to cover for whatever reason. Covering is a personal choice and no one should ever have to fear for their safety because of a personal choice they have made for THEMSELVES!
Be kind to each other.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
35 things I know to be true...
Since my birthday was Monday, thought I would reflect on a few things. Here are 35 things that I know to be true in my life. (Again, these are things that I KNOW TO BE TRUE, you may not agree, but when it's your birthday-make up your own damn list!)
1. I am a year older, and still don't have more than about five people I actually would physically hang out with in person. (This does not include family members.)
2. I curse more than ever before. Sometimes you just have to say FUCK! It's just warranted for the situation and sometimes it's not, but it still just needs to come out.
3. My relationship with my family members is not constant-it is a live organism and constantly changing day by day. Sometimes radio silence can make a huge difference.
4. I have come to terms with who I am as a person with a mental illness. Thanks to the support of my husband a great team of doctors and therapy team, I am finally learning to advocate for myself.
5. I like baseball. WTF? Yes,I like a sport- I like an actual team, I have a jersey,I am actually watching them right now-go Cubbies!
6. I think my twin sister values her friendship when other friends more than she values mine. Just being honest. Problem of social media- you see things that hurt your feelings. Brew fest here this weekend, asked a month ago- there was a no given, but you are at one with a former sorority sister I haven't talked to in over 15year, but you have become close...because she seems to fit into your lifestyle better. Oh well.
7. This list is going to take a long damn time to make!
8.i have been tested over the last two years in ways that I could have never imagined. But like a Phoenix I rise.
9. I love teaching more than I I thought I did. I love being able to substitute while finishing my degree...it keeps me grounded in a profession that is my calling.
10. I pretty much have an overall distrust of many new people that enter my life. It's a trust thing...I can determine if I like someone pretty quickly.
11. Sometimes my family likes to shrug off my decisions not to do somethings as being part of my diagnosis. I will tell you if it has something to do with it. It is not the only reason, I do or don't do things in my life. Now that I can advocate for myself, the dynamic has shifted and I feel they don't understand that.
12. I am in a relationship that gets better by the day, I am happy I found a man that is goofy and willing to out up oddness, watching Christmas movies, obsession with hairless cats, yarn collection, and my need for madea.
13. I have a love hate relationship with my treadmill, we are working on that. We are seeking counseling. We will get through it.
14. I want a copy of the CDC's zombie survival booklet. Come on, when shit goes down, don't you want to be ready? There is none of this trail by error crap like the Walking Dead.
15. I gained weight. Once I hit 30, my body said, fuck it, you are on meds that of course weight gain is a side effect, so why not gain 25 extra pounds? Why not? It will be fun!!
16. I have a problem with Christmas socks. It's real- I knew it was a problem whe it hit 35 pairs. Do I need to speak to someone about this? Not at all.
17. Am I going to have children? The question of question...don't know what is true about that one yet-check back next year on that one.
18. I am an old soul.
19. I am a nerd. I honestly have very little in common with many people I met, and find it awkward to chit-chat about mundane things in life.
20. I know that I am voting, are you? I won't be voting for Trump...that's all I will say. No, that doesn't mean that because I have lady bits, I will be voting for the female candidate, there are other options-I will leave it at that.
21. Again, this is taking forever to to do, with I had just turned 21...I'd be finished!!!
22. I secretly love one Justin Beiber song...well, it out there now, no more secret.
23. I hate candy corn and peeps. Whoever came up with them should be water boarded!
24.-35 ok, to finish this list, I must just defer to a few sentences that sum up the past year of my life. I have struggled more than I think I ever have I my life, personally and professionally. I have learned that I must be a caretaker sometimes, even when I didn't think I could. I am exhausted beyond belief when it comes to school,but I have to find the strength to finish; I am so close. I know that it is for the betterment of my professional ad personal life for me to continue on with my academic goals. I have had to support my partner more than ever in a life changing choice,not knowing the outcome. (I am a planner- so that was difficult-but I pushed through.) I am tired right now, this baseball game is going on get than I hoped and I am sitting in fleece pjs so I kinda won't to head to bed...but my hubby is a little loud when the Cubs are playing.
Be kind
Friday, October 14, 2016
Something in this will possible offend (read if you like)...
Just from the title, you have been warned. I am not meaning to offend anyone. I just feel that people are so sensitive to what is going on politically, that it is spilling over into other aspects of out lives and people are getting offended by the smallest things. Alright, things that offend me: racism, discrimination of ANY kind, homophobia, Islamophobia and really just any type of hatred or blatant disregard for another's basic human rights, because you don't feel that they are doing something you don't like, or it goes against your values/belief system. There...now you know what offends me...oh there is one more thing, wearing socks with sandals- please don't do this!
Ok, here goes:
1. I curse a lot... I say FUCK or SHIT at least ten times a day. I am an educated woman and I know a shit-ton of words, but sometimes ( see right there, I could have used a different word, but it didn't work out for me, ) these words come out and to be honest, I am perfectly ok with cursing someone out and calling them on their bullshit. Yes, I can have a conversation without these words, I do it regularly, but as my mother says, "sometimes you just end up cursing like a sailor and it is what it is." Now, am I going to curse you out just for the hell of it, NO, there must be just cause. I don't go looking for people to curse out, but if you open yourself up; and by that I mean, you say and do things repeatedly that are degrading and disrespectful to myself or people I know or even people i don't know...prepare yourself for a battle royal.
2.Please don't say someone is disgusting just because their way of life is different than yours. That mean, just because you don't agree with it, and it goes against what you want in your life, doesn't give you the right to say it's bad for the other person. Last time I check, people had free will.
3. The concept of gender...I don't care what/who you identify as or who you love or don't have a relationship with. All I care about is: are you a good person. If gender is fluid then so be it, float on one way or another and stop where you like. Again, I don't care. Please don't let anyone define who you are or should be. OH yeah, that is something that pisses me off...when people try to tell others WHO they are. Again, last time I checked people had free will and can be whatever they would like.
4. DON'T force your beliefs on me or others. If i have questions about something in your life, guess what I will ask. Same goes for me. If you want to know something, just ask. Everything that is holy on this earth, please do not try to force your beliefs on me. I am more likely to come at you with a "Fuck off," or "what is this Shit?" rather than welcome your forced interpretation of something onto my being. So back up. We can discuss these things that are different between us, I like discussions. I am an adult, I have kind of already made up my mind about a few things in my life, but thanks.
5.Now the fun stuff...Turmp or Hilary? Honestly...I know I am voting. I know I am NOT voting for Trump. Beyond that, it's personal and I would like to keep that private. (I have three options other than Trump.) I am so tired of the back and forth, it's getting to be a battlefield. The things that people are saying about supports on both sides is disgusting. I am a teacher, I teach government, I honestly am happy I am NOT teaching full time right now this election year. I am happy that I decided to go back to school and do not have to deal with the questions and heated conversations that would consume my class because of this election. Yes, they would consume my class, as I am sure it is consuming many classrooms around the country. This is a defining moment in our country. We will either be electing a Douche Bag, Bigot, or a woman with a proven past in politics, (yes, she has a questionable past- hell all politicians have a sketchy past.) We shall, see. But damnit, if I hear someone say "the lesser of two evils" one more time, I swear I might explode from the stupidity. THink about the statement! The lesser of two evils...so that is saying that they are both EVIL, but you are going with the least evil. Does that even make sense? Again, you have two more choices- write in and third party candidate.
6. Do I agree with kneeling during the Anthem. Well, as a biracial woman, who has seen and dealt with racism, who also has family that has served in the military and is a direct decedent of slaves...yes I am 125% ok with the silent protest of taking a knee during the anthem. Come, on people, he wasn't being disrespectful- he wasn't yelling or running around, he just simply took a knee in SILENCE. which he has every right to do. There is no law that says one has to stand during the anthem and place your hand over your heart. There is no law that says you have to sing the song. Nope...nothing stating any of that as law. Personally, if I were a young child and I saw a athlete do this, I would ask questions, Why is he doing this? There you go mom and dad-teachable moments- those darn teachers are always talking about! Instead of getting upset over someone being quiet and doing his SILENT protest during the anthem, why don't you get upset that black men are being killed at alarming rates? Why don't you get upset, that Muslim woman are having their hijabs ripped off them in the streets and called horrible names? Why don't you get mad, that a child is sitting on the corner of busy street begging for food? Why don't you get mad that woman are being cat called and touched walking down busy streets and afraid for their safety? Why are you mad that the number of sexual assaults on college campuses has risen? Why don't you get mad that the attacks on transgender females is increasing? Why don't you get mad that our mental health system is not doing justice to the tens of thousands of people who suffer everyday from an illness?
I am not intentionally trying to offend anyone, that is never my intention. I just like to brings things to the forefront and start discussions. As a teacher, I had to play devil's advocate a lot, so maybe that is what I tend to do in my life in general. I poke the sleeping bear most of the time.
Be kind.
Ok, here goes:
1. I curse a lot... I say FUCK or SHIT at least ten times a day. I am an educated woman and I know a shit-ton of words, but sometimes ( see right there, I could have used a different word, but it didn't work out for me, ) these words come out and to be honest, I am perfectly ok with cursing someone out and calling them on their bullshit. Yes, I can have a conversation without these words, I do it regularly, but as my mother says, "sometimes you just end up cursing like a sailor and it is what it is." Now, am I going to curse you out just for the hell of it, NO, there must be just cause. I don't go looking for people to curse out, but if you open yourself up; and by that I mean, you say and do things repeatedly that are degrading and disrespectful to myself or people I know or even people i don't know...prepare yourself for a battle royal.
2.Please don't say someone is disgusting just because their way of life is different than yours. That mean, just because you don't agree with it, and it goes against what you want in your life, doesn't give you the right to say it's bad for the other person. Last time I check, people had free will.
3. The concept of gender...I don't care what/who you identify as or who you love or don't have a relationship with. All I care about is: are you a good person. If gender is fluid then so be it, float on one way or another and stop where you like. Again, I don't care. Please don't let anyone define who you are or should be. OH yeah, that is something that pisses me off...when people try to tell others WHO they are. Again, last time I checked people had free will and can be whatever they would like.
4. DON'T force your beliefs on me or others. If i have questions about something in your life, guess what I will ask. Same goes for me. If you want to know something, just ask. Everything that is holy on this earth, please do not try to force your beliefs on me. I am more likely to come at you with a "Fuck off," or "what is this Shit?" rather than welcome your forced interpretation of something onto my being. So back up. We can discuss these things that are different between us, I like discussions. I am an adult, I have kind of already made up my mind about a few things in my life, but thanks.
5.Now the fun stuff...Turmp or Hilary? Honestly...I know I am voting. I know I am NOT voting for Trump. Beyond that, it's personal and I would like to keep that private. (I have three options other than Trump.) I am so tired of the back and forth, it's getting to be a battlefield. The things that people are saying about supports on both sides is disgusting. I am a teacher, I teach government, I honestly am happy I am NOT teaching full time right now this election year. I am happy that I decided to go back to school and do not have to deal with the questions and heated conversations that would consume my class because of this election. Yes, they would consume my class, as I am sure it is consuming many classrooms around the country. This is a defining moment in our country. We will either be electing a Douche Bag, Bigot, or a woman with a proven past in politics, (yes, she has a questionable past- hell all politicians have a sketchy past.) We shall, see. But damnit, if I hear someone say "the lesser of two evils" one more time, I swear I might explode from the stupidity. THink about the statement! The lesser of two evils...so that is saying that they are both EVIL, but you are going with the least evil. Does that even make sense? Again, you have two more choices- write in and third party candidate.
6. Do I agree with kneeling during the Anthem. Well, as a biracial woman, who has seen and dealt with racism, who also has family that has served in the military and is a direct decedent of slaves...yes I am 125% ok with the silent protest of taking a knee during the anthem. Come, on people, he wasn't being disrespectful- he wasn't yelling or running around, he just simply took a knee in SILENCE. which he has every right to do. There is no law that says one has to stand during the anthem and place your hand over your heart. There is no law that says you have to sing the song. Nope...nothing stating any of that as law. Personally, if I were a young child and I saw a athlete do this, I would ask questions, Why is he doing this? There you go mom and dad-teachable moments- those darn teachers are always talking about! Instead of getting upset over someone being quiet and doing his SILENT protest during the anthem, why don't you get upset that black men are being killed at alarming rates? Why don't you get upset, that Muslim woman are having their hijabs ripped off them in the streets and called horrible names? Why don't you get mad, that a child is sitting on the corner of busy street begging for food? Why don't you get mad that woman are being cat called and touched walking down busy streets and afraid for their safety? Why are you mad that the number of sexual assaults on college campuses has risen? Why don't you get mad that the attacks on transgender females is increasing? Why don't you get mad that our mental health system is not doing justice to the tens of thousands of people who suffer everyday from an illness?
I am not intentionally trying to offend anyone, that is never my intention. I just like to brings things to the forefront and start discussions. As a teacher, I had to play devil's advocate a lot, so maybe that is what I tend to do in my life in general. I poke the sleeping bear most of the time.
Be kind.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
White girl staring back...
I am the woman who does not try to explain what it is like to be black, because all you see in me is the "white girl" staring back.
It is hard to explain what is it like to be me, when you see one thing and I say I am something completely opposite to what you see. I most certainly identify as a biracial woman. When I was little and had to fill in the bubbles on race for state tests, I thought it isn't fair that all my friends get to fill in a bubble with a color next to it, and I get OTHER. Yeah, even at a young age I knew that I was different from others. Just look at my family...my mother is black, father white, sister black, sister japanese, and a twin sister. Starting to get the picture? We were told as little girls that we were biracial- or mixed. (Which by the way that word makes me cringe...I am not a swirl box cake where you mix the white cake with the chocolate cake. I am a person people.) Alright, sorry about that, had to make that point... I am biracial, heck I am multiracial, just thinking about all the places my ancestors come from, but far beyond all of that I am a black woman. Now, back in the day, it was the one drop rule... one drop of black in you and you were, you guessed it BLACK. Today you would think that a rule like that wouldn't even come into play, or would it?
When I say my mother is black, the look of people's faces contorts, I mean they really are hurting their brain trying to figure out how that is even possible. Yes, folks even in our socially "progressive" world we live in, no wait...we are having a lot of issues with race relations. Let me backtrack, we are not progressive when it comes to race. Now, some people would like to live in their own little happy world and think that we are, but it's just not so. Unicorns do not exist and we still can't talk about race in this country without people getting upset or getting their feeling hurt.
Now, I have said this before, any conversation about race is not going to be fun. A person of any minority is not going to remain calm during these discussions, and then they will be called the "Angry...so and so." Well, when you have lived with being treated as less all your life, it is hard to not be upset and speak with passion about how you feel unwelcome in a country that you were born in and your ancestors helped to build. Now, getting your feelings hurt as a white person in a discussion on race, because you feel that you are being portrayed as racist or you have certain stereotypes about persons of color, get over it. NO ONE is here to make you feel better about not being a racists. That is great if you aren't, good for you, but you don't get a medal. If you are looking for validation in a conversation on why there are so many issues dealing with race relations in this country, you are part of the problem. You do not get rewarded for not being a racist. You do get respect when you choose to stand up to racism that is happening at the restaurant you are having lunch at. You get respect when you call out a blatantly racist act and make people accountable for their actions. That is what you get.
So, when I say I am not going to try to explain that I am black, it's simple, I am not going to. I am who I am because I know who I am. I do not need to explain my 'blackness" to you and help you try to understand that part of me. Besides, you wouldn't even know to ask me, since all you see is a white girl staring back.
It is hard to explain what is it like to be me, when you see one thing and I say I am something completely opposite to what you see. I most certainly identify as a biracial woman. When I was little and had to fill in the bubbles on race for state tests, I thought it isn't fair that all my friends get to fill in a bubble with a color next to it, and I get OTHER. Yeah, even at a young age I knew that I was different from others. Just look at my family...my mother is black, father white, sister black, sister japanese, and a twin sister. Starting to get the picture? We were told as little girls that we were biracial- or mixed. (Which by the way that word makes me cringe...I am not a swirl box cake where you mix the white cake with the chocolate cake. I am a person people.) Alright, sorry about that, had to make that point... I am biracial, heck I am multiracial, just thinking about all the places my ancestors come from, but far beyond all of that I am a black woman. Now, back in the day, it was the one drop rule... one drop of black in you and you were, you guessed it BLACK. Today you would think that a rule like that wouldn't even come into play, or would it?
When I say my mother is black, the look of people's faces contorts, I mean they really are hurting their brain trying to figure out how that is even possible. Yes, folks even in our socially "progressive" world we live in, no wait...we are having a lot of issues with race relations. Let me backtrack, we are not progressive when it comes to race. Now, some people would like to live in their own little happy world and think that we are, but it's just not so. Unicorns do not exist and we still can't talk about race in this country without people getting upset or getting their feeling hurt.
Now, I have said this before, any conversation about race is not going to be fun. A person of any minority is not going to remain calm during these discussions, and then they will be called the "Angry...so and so." Well, when you have lived with being treated as less all your life, it is hard to not be upset and speak with passion about how you feel unwelcome in a country that you were born in and your ancestors helped to build. Now, getting your feelings hurt as a white person in a discussion on race, because you feel that you are being portrayed as racist or you have certain stereotypes about persons of color, get over it. NO ONE is here to make you feel better about not being a racists. That is great if you aren't, good for you, but you don't get a medal. If you are looking for validation in a conversation on why there are so many issues dealing with race relations in this country, you are part of the problem. You do not get rewarded for not being a racist. You do get respect when you choose to stand up to racism that is happening at the restaurant you are having lunch at. You get respect when you call out a blatantly racist act and make people accountable for their actions. That is what you get.
So, when I say I am not going to try to explain that I am black, it's simple, I am not going to. I am who I am because I know who I am. I do not need to explain my 'blackness" to you and help you try to understand that part of me. Besides, you wouldn't even know to ask me, since all you see is a white girl staring back.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
B.A., M.A. Ed., Ed.S = sacrifice
What do all these letters mean to you? Probably nothing. They mean more than just a huge amount a student loans I have racked up over the course of ten years, they mean sacrifice. Now you may be wondering what I mean by that, well here is my best explanation.
I am the descendent of slaves on my mother's side. If, I have all my number of "greats" correct, that would make my sisters and myself, the great, great, great granddaughters of a slave. That may shock some, based on my appearance, light skinned, straight nose, blue eyes and curly hair...yeah, it gets people all the time. I do however identify as a black woman of mixed heritage, multiracial if you like. (Please don't use the term mixed, I was not blended together like a bucket of paint at Lowes.)
When I state that these letters, that I could place behind my name mean sacrifice to me, I mean that in the true sense of the word. Webster's Dictionary defines sacrifice as: the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.
Now, how does this definition correlate to my degrees? Let's break it down; my great grandmother x3 was a slave, she did what she had to for survival. IF that meant having children without her consent because her master wanted to bed her, then so be it. I come from a long line of what many southerners would call "high yellow" woman. Meaning my great grandmother x 3 would have more than likely been a house slave. She would have been in direct contact with the plantation owners family. Which ultimately means, she was in direct contact with the master that could do anything he wanted to her and she had no say. She gave up, what today we would consider a basic human right of consent, to better the lives of her children.
My mother's side of the family, comes from strong women as you can tell from the narrative above. Fast forward to my great grandmother, Ms. Mamie Davis. She apparently is the woman that all our female descendants get their "I will eat you up and spit you out," mentality from. According to my mother, who happens to be named after her grandmother, Mamie Davis was not a woman you wanted to cross. This is no coincidence that all the women in our family, have a fiery part so deep in us, but if crossed, it will appear in a matter of seconds. We are all fierce at protecting those closest to us and refuse to let anyone walk over us. Just like the women before her she was not awarded the gift, the chance of a free, and most importantly equal education in this country. Mamie Davis could read and write, but the writing she was not that great at. My eldest aunt wrote for her most of the time. The pattern of how important an education was started early in this bloodline.
By the time my grandmother had children, she had instilled in them the importance of an education. She knew that it was their way to have a better life. She had only completed the 8th grade and taught my grandfather how to read and write. She was sending her children to segregated schools, even though by the time all my aunts and uncles were born, Brown v the Board of Education had already passed through the Supreme Court, essentially stating that the Plessy v Ferguson verdict of "separate but equal" did not apply to government/public entities. Even with this as a hurdle, my mother and her brothers and sisters were taught that education was important. My grandmother may have only had an 8th grade education, but she did not allow any of her children to stop their education. She would work as hard as she could, so that they did not have to quit school, to get a job.
My mother, entered the Air Force at age 18 and got her college education and Master's thanks to our military. She worked full time, took care of a family and still got her degrees. This and the stories above are the examples I and my sisters had when it came education and how to take care of yourself. We were told we can be anything we wanted to be with an education. We were not allowed to have jobs while in high school, learning was our job. We were students first and foremost. My sisters and I have all taken different paths when it comes to education. I am the one that just can't seem to get enough of it, I am and will always be the student in the family.
I worked three jobs, while taking roughly 18-20 hour course load in college during my undergrad. I worked full time and got my Master's Degree in Education. I worked full time and got my Certification to Teach with a Middle School Endorsement. I will be finished with my Specialist in Curriculum this December. I start my Doctorate in Education in January. I do not say this to boost my ego, or to brag. I say these things and am proud of my accomplishments, simply for the fact that the women I mentioned above sacrificed so much in order for me to have the opportunity to be able to get these degrees. In my first education class, we had to write a paper on who we were getting our degree for...I said "any and all degrees I get will be in honor of my great, great, great grandmother who was a slave and sacrificed so much for me to be here." I now must revise that statement and say any and all degrees I get will be in honor of ALL the women in my family.
Be Kind.
I am the descendent of slaves on my mother's side. If, I have all my number of "greats" correct, that would make my sisters and myself, the great, great, great granddaughters of a slave. That may shock some, based on my appearance, light skinned, straight nose, blue eyes and curly hair...yeah, it gets people all the time. I do however identify as a black woman of mixed heritage, multiracial if you like. (Please don't use the term mixed, I was not blended together like a bucket of paint at Lowes.)
When I state that these letters, that I could place behind my name mean sacrifice to me, I mean that in the true sense of the word. Webster's Dictionary defines sacrifice as: the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.
Now, how does this definition correlate to my degrees? Let's break it down; my great grandmother x3 was a slave, she did what she had to for survival. IF that meant having children without her consent because her master wanted to bed her, then so be it. I come from a long line of what many southerners would call "high yellow" woman. Meaning my great grandmother x 3 would have more than likely been a house slave. She would have been in direct contact with the plantation owners family. Which ultimately means, she was in direct contact with the master that could do anything he wanted to her and she had no say. She gave up, what today we would consider a basic human right of consent, to better the lives of her children.
My mother's side of the family, comes from strong women as you can tell from the narrative above. Fast forward to my great grandmother, Ms. Mamie Davis. She apparently is the woman that all our female descendants get their "I will eat you up and spit you out," mentality from. According to my mother, who happens to be named after her grandmother, Mamie Davis was not a woman you wanted to cross. This is no coincidence that all the women in our family, have a fiery part so deep in us, but if crossed, it will appear in a matter of seconds. We are all fierce at protecting those closest to us and refuse to let anyone walk over us. Just like the women before her she was not awarded the gift, the chance of a free, and most importantly equal education in this country. Mamie Davis could read and write, but the writing she was not that great at. My eldest aunt wrote for her most of the time. The pattern of how important an education was started early in this bloodline.
By the time my grandmother had children, she had instilled in them the importance of an education. She knew that it was their way to have a better life. She had only completed the 8th grade and taught my grandfather how to read and write. She was sending her children to segregated schools, even though by the time all my aunts and uncles were born, Brown v the Board of Education had already passed through the Supreme Court, essentially stating that the Plessy v Ferguson verdict of "separate but equal" did not apply to government/public entities. Even with this as a hurdle, my mother and her brothers and sisters were taught that education was important. My grandmother may have only had an 8th grade education, but she did not allow any of her children to stop their education. She would work as hard as she could, so that they did not have to quit school, to get a job.
My mother, entered the Air Force at age 18 and got her college education and Master's thanks to our military. She worked full time, took care of a family and still got her degrees. This and the stories above are the examples I and my sisters had when it came education and how to take care of yourself. We were told we can be anything we wanted to be with an education. We were not allowed to have jobs while in high school, learning was our job. We were students first and foremost. My sisters and I have all taken different paths when it comes to education. I am the one that just can't seem to get enough of it, I am and will always be the student in the family.
I worked three jobs, while taking roughly 18-20 hour course load in college during my undergrad. I worked full time and got my Master's Degree in Education. I worked full time and got my Certification to Teach with a Middle School Endorsement. I will be finished with my Specialist in Curriculum this December. I start my Doctorate in Education in January. I do not say this to boost my ego, or to brag. I say these things and am proud of my accomplishments, simply for the fact that the women I mentioned above sacrificed so much in order for me to have the opportunity to be able to get these degrees. In my first education class, we had to write a paper on who we were getting our degree for...I said "any and all degrees I get will be in honor of my great, great, great grandmother who was a slave and sacrificed so much for me to be here." I now must revise that statement and say any and all degrees I get will be in honor of ALL the women in my family.
Be Kind.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
What is a Feminist?
On my drive over the weekend I started to think about what it is my definition of a feminist and why do I call myself on. So many people have different reason for calling themselves a feminist, and I am not going to discredit anyone's opinion of the definition. How one person views the world is not going to be the same that another views it. (We are humans, we disagree on things by nature.)
I cover my hair exclusively when I leave the house. It is something that I have done for almost a year this coming October. This was a choice that I made for myself. Many religious text discuss head covering and modesty for women as a way to honor their higher power and respect for themselves. This is not an issue over covering up as to not distract men's attention to you, it is about honoring the higher power you observe as the QUEEN you are. As a woman, you are not a distraction, but our society likes to make women in general feel as though they are a distraction for men. Not going to lie, I think a man would be just as distracted by a woman that is completely covered as he would be by a woman that is standing naked. (Just a varying degree of distraction, but you get the point.)
Alright, so back to my point...sorry I ramble sometimes. So feminism for me. Being a feminist means CHOICE. As a woman I have the choice to cover my hair for any reason I choose. It is not oppressive for a woman to choose to cover to follow the tenants of their faith, it is a powerful statement, saying I have the freedom to choose my religious path and practices. There are very traditional woman of many religions that choose not to cover, if that is something that their religion discusses as a follower of the faith. What is oppressive is when a woman looses that choice. When a woman is forced to cover no matter what, when fear overtakes them because they are unsure of what could happen if they do not. The power, the choice to cover for religious, health, fashion or any reason (and this goes for modest dressing as well,) is feminism to me.
The choice to choose whether I want to be educated. I have chosen to continue my education FOREVER, it seems. I have that choice. I had the option of doing what I wanted when I was finished with high school. It is up to me to decide what I do with my professional/academic career. That is a power/choice I have as a woman. That is feminism to me.
I do not need the Senate and the House deciding how things should be handled in my uterus. It's my uterus, and I'd like to keep that business between me and my doctor, thanks. Please do not tell me that there is no such thing as "legitimate rape," and that if it was really "rape" then a woman's body has a way of "preventing an unwanted pregnancy." Again, you are a man, you don't have a uterus, and you don't have the right to decide what is and isn't rape. If a woman says NO at any point in a sexual encounter and the person doesn't stop, Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's rape. Preventing a woman from having an abortion due to rape or incest, is again a man choosing how things should be handled in my uterus. You don't get to choose if a woman carries the child of her rapist. That choice is hers and hers alone. The choice to end a pregnancy for risk to the mother for medical reasons, pregnancy due to rape or incest, that is a choice that women should have access too and they should be not scared into thinking they do not have that choice. Having the choice to choose what happens with my reproductive rights is feminism to me.
I could go on and on about what else feminism means to me. But it boils down to CHOICE. Feminism is choice for me.
Be kind. (I am a little sleep deprived so-if this doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance.)
I cover my hair exclusively when I leave the house. It is something that I have done for almost a year this coming October. This was a choice that I made for myself. Many religious text discuss head covering and modesty for women as a way to honor their higher power and respect for themselves. This is not an issue over covering up as to not distract men's attention to you, it is about honoring the higher power you observe as the QUEEN you are. As a woman, you are not a distraction, but our society likes to make women in general feel as though they are a distraction for men. Not going to lie, I think a man would be just as distracted by a woman that is completely covered as he would be by a woman that is standing naked. (Just a varying degree of distraction, but you get the point.)
Alright, so back to my point...sorry I ramble sometimes. So feminism for me. Being a feminist means CHOICE. As a woman I have the choice to cover my hair for any reason I choose. It is not oppressive for a woman to choose to cover to follow the tenants of their faith, it is a powerful statement, saying I have the freedom to choose my religious path and practices. There are very traditional woman of many religions that choose not to cover, if that is something that their religion discusses as a follower of the faith. What is oppressive is when a woman looses that choice. When a woman is forced to cover no matter what, when fear overtakes them because they are unsure of what could happen if they do not. The power, the choice to cover for religious, health, fashion or any reason (and this goes for modest dressing as well,) is feminism to me.
The choice to choose whether I want to be educated. I have chosen to continue my education FOREVER, it seems. I have that choice. I had the option of doing what I wanted when I was finished with high school. It is up to me to decide what I do with my professional/academic career. That is a power/choice I have as a woman. That is feminism to me.
I do not need the Senate and the House deciding how things should be handled in my uterus. It's my uterus, and I'd like to keep that business between me and my doctor, thanks. Please do not tell me that there is no such thing as "legitimate rape," and that if it was really "rape" then a woman's body has a way of "preventing an unwanted pregnancy." Again, you are a man, you don't have a uterus, and you don't have the right to decide what is and isn't rape. If a woman says NO at any point in a sexual encounter and the person doesn't stop, Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's rape. Preventing a woman from having an abortion due to rape or incest, is again a man choosing how things should be handled in my uterus. You don't get to choose if a woman carries the child of her rapist. That choice is hers and hers alone. The choice to end a pregnancy for risk to the mother for medical reasons, pregnancy due to rape or incest, that is a choice that women should have access too and they should be not scared into thinking they do not have that choice. Having the choice to choose what happens with my reproductive rights is feminism to me.
I could go on and on about what else feminism means to me. But it boils down to CHOICE. Feminism is choice for me.
Be kind. (I am a little sleep deprived so-if this doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance.)
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
It costs a lot to be a woman...
Alright...I love being a woman. I love the contrast between hard and soft that we as woman have the ability to be at any given time. We are the carriers of life, we nurture, love, hope and love even more when nothing else will do. We are often called the "weaker" of the two sexes...but I beg to differ.
The stories my mother speaks to me about the trails the women in our family went through, they strength they HAD to have to stay alive, and the fact that I am here today proves to me that women are indeed NOT the "weaker" of the two sexes. But let's get real here for a moment...it is hard sometimes being a woman, isn't it?
I was watching a commercial for a razor blade, you know the one where the cute blonde wakes up to a text from her boyfriend, saying, "on my way, bringing mom with me!" Of course she looks like she spent a long night out partying at the bars, her place is a mess and yes, let us not forget, her legs are HAIRY! EEKKK!!! As this cute little blonde runs around cleaning, the razor is a lifesaver, because all you have to do is run it under the water once and then you can "shave on the go." Really? Who does that? Ok, so back to this commercial, she is running around stretching her legs to push things under the bed, in the dishwasher, all while shaving her legs!!! Yes, ladies, you CAN do housework and have silky smooth legs at the same time! YEAH! Just in time the doorbell rings, she was able to put on an adorable SHORT skirt and is ready to meet mom. Now come on...just show me the razor. I don't need the back story as to why she HAS to shave her legs. And again, let's get real here, why did the advertisers decide that the young woman had to be wearing a short little dress when meeting mom? Oh, no wait, it was to show off the fact that she could clean the apartment and shave at the same time; which makes her perfect marriage material...is that right? Moving on.
I am 34 years old, and guess what I love every single WRINKLE on my face! No really, I do. The laugh lines, those things they call "crows feet" (I don't get it, but whatever.) the lines in my forehead, you pick the wrinkle I love it. Why? Well, the laugh lines, that to me says "you have laughed long and hard at things and people that you love and cherish in your life and you are proud of them." Those bird feet thingys- they say to me- "I read and squinted enough to get those (hold on counting mentally in my head, ok) 2 degrees, teaching certificate, an endorsement and soon to be a Specialist Degree and then my Doctorate." I worked hard for those feet, I show them proudly! Those lines in my forehead- those are good ones, "I have thought long and hard about decisions that will impact my life for the better and I know that the sacrifice will be worth it in the end." I don't buy anti-aging anything. I see a wrinkle I say hello, welcome to the wonderful world I call my face and my life, enjoy. Why is it that there are all these commercials for products for women to "prevent those fine lines of aging..." and other irritating lines; but I have yet to see one damn product for the aging male and his wrinkled up face. Why is it that as a man gets older he becomes "distinguished," but a woman must strive to be "young" for as long as possible? Anyone see a problem with this mentality. What are we saying to our young women?
Let's talk about something that a lot of people don't like to talk about...it's personal and in many cultures taboo. Young women will miss long periods of schooling due to the fact that they have their period. They are disadvantaged, because of something that is a natural part of a woman's life cycle. Now here, in this lovely country, something thought it would be great to put a tax on tampons ...why? It's not harsh enough that we are in pain and for lack of better terms leaking for up to seven days for a good 20-30 years, you have to go and place a special tax on these items. And you know it was NOT a woman that came up with that tax, it was a man. There is also something else that is a little touching in the reproductive area that makes it hard to be a woman, the cost of birth control. Now I know that many religions and cultures do not believe that any type of birth control should be used, and that is fine. But there are millions of women that do choose to use birth control and in some cases, their employers' insurance company won't cover the cost of it? But yet the insurance will cover the "little blue pill" for mister fancy pants. On what planet does that make sense. You will not help a women to prevent pregnancy in a mature fashion, because she may not be ready to have children yet, or doesn't want children at all, but you will allow a man to partake in sexual activity for multiple hours...um, for me that logic is a little flawed. Oh and I won't even talk about Roe v. Wade...when it comes to my uterus, if you are male, please stop making legislation telling me what I can and can't do with it. Thanks.
And lastly, hair. This one is near and dear to me. I have been covering my hair with my beautiful tichels for almost a year now, and I have never felt more power and beauty within myself, being my true authentic self. I have curly, I mean curly hair...and I love it so much, but I was identified as the "girl with the curly hair." Once I started covering, I noticed that people paid more attention to want was coming out of my mouth than my physical appearance. Don't get me wrong, people comment on the tichels and notice them just as much as my hair, but they are not as fixated on the covering as they would be if my hair was down. Woman in this country and all over the world spend millions of dollars on hair care products, because our society likes to bombard us with advertisements that say, "if you want to be beautiful and catch the eye of the handsome man, your hair has to be a certain way." Beckoning back to the self images we are projecting onto young woman and how they are impacted negatively with ads like these. It is a personal choice to cover ones hair, as it is to conform to society. But you have to live with your choices, so choose wisely.
So, how much does it really cost to be a woman? To be honest with you I have no idea. For me it is priceless, because I have found my authentic self and know who I am as a person. I am not someone who conforms or is compartmentalized into any set little box. Never have been, never will be. I am a woman that is constantly evolving into a better version of myself everyday. So, the cost for me to be a woman can not be counted in a dollar amount. I hope you too will see that your self worth is more than what society says you should be or do to be a woman. Be you and be kind to yourself if you don't fit the "mold."
Be Kind.
The stories my mother speaks to me about the trails the women in our family went through, they strength they HAD to have to stay alive, and the fact that I am here today proves to me that women are indeed NOT the "weaker" of the two sexes. But let's get real here for a moment...it is hard sometimes being a woman, isn't it?
I was watching a commercial for a razor blade, you know the one where the cute blonde wakes up to a text from her boyfriend, saying, "on my way, bringing mom with me!" Of course she looks like she spent a long night out partying at the bars, her place is a mess and yes, let us not forget, her legs are HAIRY! EEKKK!!! As this cute little blonde runs around cleaning, the razor is a lifesaver, because all you have to do is run it under the water once and then you can "shave on the go." Really? Who does that? Ok, so back to this commercial, she is running around stretching her legs to push things under the bed, in the dishwasher, all while shaving her legs!!! Yes, ladies, you CAN do housework and have silky smooth legs at the same time! YEAH! Just in time the doorbell rings, she was able to put on an adorable SHORT skirt and is ready to meet mom. Now come on...just show me the razor. I don't need the back story as to why she HAS to shave her legs. And again, let's get real here, why did the advertisers decide that the young woman had to be wearing a short little dress when meeting mom? Oh, no wait, it was to show off the fact that she could clean the apartment and shave at the same time; which makes her perfect marriage material...is that right? Moving on.
I am 34 years old, and guess what I love every single WRINKLE on my face! No really, I do. The laugh lines, those things they call "crows feet" (I don't get it, but whatever.) the lines in my forehead, you pick the wrinkle I love it. Why? Well, the laugh lines, that to me says "you have laughed long and hard at things and people that you love and cherish in your life and you are proud of them." Those bird feet thingys- they say to me- "I read and squinted enough to get those (hold on counting mentally in my head, ok) 2 degrees, teaching certificate, an endorsement and soon to be a Specialist Degree and then my Doctorate." I worked hard for those feet, I show them proudly! Those lines in my forehead- those are good ones, "I have thought long and hard about decisions that will impact my life for the better and I know that the sacrifice will be worth it in the end." I don't buy anti-aging anything. I see a wrinkle I say hello, welcome to the wonderful world I call my face and my life, enjoy. Why is it that there are all these commercials for products for women to "prevent those fine lines of aging..." and other irritating lines; but I have yet to see one damn product for the aging male and his wrinkled up face. Why is it that as a man gets older he becomes "distinguished," but a woman must strive to be "young" for as long as possible? Anyone see a problem with this mentality. What are we saying to our young women?
Let's talk about something that a lot of people don't like to talk about...it's personal and in many cultures taboo. Young women will miss long periods of schooling due to the fact that they have their period. They are disadvantaged, because of something that is a natural part of a woman's life cycle. Now here, in this lovely country, something thought it would be great to put a tax on tampons ...why? It's not harsh enough that we are in pain and for lack of better terms leaking for up to seven days for a good 20-30 years, you have to go and place a special tax on these items. And you know it was NOT a woman that came up with that tax, it was a man. There is also something else that is a little touching in the reproductive area that makes it hard to be a woman, the cost of birth control. Now I know that many religions and cultures do not believe that any type of birth control should be used, and that is fine. But there are millions of women that do choose to use birth control and in some cases, their employers' insurance company won't cover the cost of it? But yet the insurance will cover the "little blue pill" for mister fancy pants. On what planet does that make sense. You will not help a women to prevent pregnancy in a mature fashion, because she may not be ready to have children yet, or doesn't want children at all, but you will allow a man to partake in sexual activity for multiple hours...um, for me that logic is a little flawed. Oh and I won't even talk about Roe v. Wade...when it comes to my uterus, if you are male, please stop making legislation telling me what I can and can't do with it. Thanks.
And lastly, hair. This one is near and dear to me. I have been covering my hair with my beautiful tichels for almost a year now, and I have never felt more power and beauty within myself, being my true authentic self. I have curly, I mean curly hair...and I love it so much, but I was identified as the "girl with the curly hair." Once I started covering, I noticed that people paid more attention to want was coming out of my mouth than my physical appearance. Don't get me wrong, people comment on the tichels and notice them just as much as my hair, but they are not as fixated on the covering as they would be if my hair was down. Woman in this country and all over the world spend millions of dollars on hair care products, because our society likes to bombard us with advertisements that say, "if you want to be beautiful and catch the eye of the handsome man, your hair has to be a certain way." Beckoning back to the self images we are projecting onto young woman and how they are impacted negatively with ads like these. It is a personal choice to cover ones hair, as it is to conform to society. But you have to live with your choices, so choose wisely.
So, how much does it really cost to be a woman? To be honest with you I have no idea. For me it is priceless, because I have found my authentic self and know who I am as a person. I am not someone who conforms or is compartmentalized into any set little box. Never have been, never will be. I am a woman that is constantly evolving into a better version of myself everyday. So, the cost for me to be a woman can not be counted in a dollar amount. I hope you too will see that your self worth is more than what society says you should be or do to be a woman. Be you and be kind to yourself if you don't fit the "mold."
Be Kind.
Monday, July 18, 2016
I hate discussing politics, here's why?
Read this disclaimer before you continue on: If you are offended by profanity, my opinions about politics and well life in general, you might not want to read any more. These are my personal opinions about politics and if you can't be civilized when it comes to talking about it, please just de-friend me now. I don't offend easily, so don't worry, if you are going to not be friends because our views are different, I probably won't miss you anyway. Also, please no comments about this post; basically, don't come for me in regards to politics. You have your opinions and I have mine. I do not have to read and or agree with yours and you the same with mine. Opinions are like ass-holes: everyone has one.
Here are just a few reasons I hate will not discuss politics with ANYONE:
1. People are set in their ways. I am not going to change your mind. You might bring up a good point about your bigoted candidate and yes, I will listen to your thoughts, but I am not going to even give it a second thought. I am not going to waste my time trying to tell you that this particular person is a serious threat to this country in so many ways. That's time I can spend doing something more important, like punching a wall.
2. I am not going to get into a pissing match about how horrible our current president is and what a bad job he has done in the last eight years. Guess what people...if you are given a bag full of shit to deal with, you deal with the bag full of shit as best you can and go from there. President Obama has done nothing but try his best to make this country stronger and better for everyone here. He has offered many people the opportunity to have affordable healthcare, and yes people, that is a socialist ideal: everyone having access to basic things, i.e. like health care, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad, bad man. If you think universal healthcare is bad, then you must also think that the programs that FDR put into place during WWII also place him in the bad, bad man category. Let it go already. Without "Obama Care" I wouldn't have access to the doctor's I need to manage to keep me from punching someone in the face, I also wouldn't have access to medicine that would also prevent me from doing the punching. See, he did good there!
3. If one more person brings up those damn emails!!!
4. If you are willing to vote for a man that has been able to insult pretty much all minorities/marginalized people in this country, then you are part of the problem, not the solution to "Make America Great, Again." Degrading people that have disabilities, calling people rapists, demonizing people for peacefully demonstrating at your rallies, (which, FYI, they have a constitutional right to do,) Provoking and in-sighting violence to your followers if you don't get your way...I can't even begin to have a coherent conversation with you.
5. Media people, stop poking the mother-fucking bear already! If you keep doing news stories about this man and the nonsense that he spits out of his mouth you are only giving him what he wants.
6. I just can't handle people trying to actually defend a man that is full of hate. Making America Great, starts with not being hateful towards others. Do you really think this presumptive candidate is going to improve race relations in this country? Honestly, do you really think this douche is going to make minorities feel safe and not like second class citizens? Come on, you know he wouldn't and couldn't do it, and there in lies the problem- you know he can't do it, but yet you are willing to vote for him. What does that say about your own opinion of minorities in this country, if you are willing to vote for a man that couldn't help to ease the racial turmoil (even just a tiny bit)? If you want to have a discussion about race, let's do it. IF you are expecting it not be uncomfortable, then get over yourself and deal with it. Race is a hard topic to talk about, because it is something that people of color deal with everyday of their lives. IF you don't see a problem in this country regarding race, open your damn eyes and look around you. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife.
7. A woman as president...what are you afraid of? That she will get hormonal and just go off on everyone? Are you afraid that she won't be able to handle the pressures of the job, because women are delicate flowers and only men can talk politics? Shit, I can talk circles around people about what this woman is capable of doing to actually make this country better. She has a track record...yeah remember her husband-he was president, oh and she is an attorney-she knows the laws and yeah that one big thing...she was the MFing Secretary of State and spent a vast majority of her time in that position learning and creating relationships with countries.
8. I said don't bring up those damn emails!!!
9. Come on...THE FIRST MAN ever in office- that alone is pretty cool!
10. Vote, it's as simple as that. Vote and let the people be heard. IF and dear god if a certain person does win, I then know that this country is not ready and or willing to change for the better. We would be putting ourselves back several decades in several areas of progression that so many people fought for. We will be letting African Americans know that Black Lives DON'T Matter, we will be letting women know that they will continually be paid less than their male counterparts for doing the same work, we will be telling all immigrants that this is not the land of opportunity; because they won't be allowed in this country, we will be letting Muslims, citizens or not, that they are not wanted here and seen as a threat to our countries security, to wrap up this thought; basically we would be telling everyone that isn't WHITE, MIDDLE CLASS to UPPER CLASS WHITE MALES, you DON'T MATTER at all!
In history they say the victory writes the version of history for the rest of the world to read. Well, in a few months we shall see which victory will write the version of history for the rest of the world to read. May it be a good version and not one that alienates a large population of this country we call home. (for now at least.)
Be kind and do your research...don't go into this election blind.
Here are just a few reasons I hate will not discuss politics with ANYONE:
1. People are set in their ways. I am not going to change your mind. You might bring up a good point about your bigoted candidate and yes, I will listen to your thoughts, but I am not going to even give it a second thought. I am not going to waste my time trying to tell you that this particular person is a serious threat to this country in so many ways. That's time I can spend doing something more important, like punching a wall.
2. I am not going to get into a pissing match about how horrible our current president is and what a bad job he has done in the last eight years. Guess what people...if you are given a bag full of shit to deal with, you deal with the bag full of shit as best you can and go from there. President Obama has done nothing but try his best to make this country stronger and better for everyone here. He has offered many people the opportunity to have affordable healthcare, and yes people, that is a socialist ideal: everyone having access to basic things, i.e. like health care, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad, bad man. If you think universal healthcare is bad, then you must also think that the programs that FDR put into place during WWII also place him in the bad, bad man category. Let it go already. Without "Obama Care" I wouldn't have access to the doctor's I need to manage to keep me from punching someone in the face, I also wouldn't have access to medicine that would also prevent me from doing the punching. See, he did good there!
3. If one more person brings up those damn emails!!!
4. If you are willing to vote for a man that has been able to insult pretty much all minorities/marginalized people in this country, then you are part of the problem, not the solution to "Make America Great, Again." Degrading people that have disabilities, calling people rapists, demonizing people for peacefully demonstrating at your rallies, (which, FYI, they have a constitutional right to do,) Provoking and in-sighting violence to your followers if you don't get your way...I can't even begin to have a coherent conversation with you.
5. Media people, stop poking the mother-fucking bear already! If you keep doing news stories about this man and the nonsense that he spits out of his mouth you are only giving him what he wants.
6. I just can't handle people trying to actually defend a man that is full of hate. Making America Great, starts with not being hateful towards others. Do you really think this presumptive candidate is going to improve race relations in this country? Honestly, do you really think this douche is going to make minorities feel safe and not like second class citizens? Come on, you know he wouldn't and couldn't do it, and there in lies the problem- you know he can't do it, but yet you are willing to vote for him. What does that say about your own opinion of minorities in this country, if you are willing to vote for a man that couldn't help to ease the racial turmoil (even just a tiny bit)? If you want to have a discussion about race, let's do it. IF you are expecting it not be uncomfortable, then get over yourself and deal with it. Race is a hard topic to talk about, because it is something that people of color deal with everyday of their lives. IF you don't see a problem in this country regarding race, open your damn eyes and look around you. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife.
7. A woman as president...what are you afraid of? That she will get hormonal and just go off on everyone? Are you afraid that she won't be able to handle the pressures of the job, because women are delicate flowers and only men can talk politics? Shit, I can talk circles around people about what this woman is capable of doing to actually make this country better. She has a track record...yeah remember her husband-he was president, oh and she is an attorney-she knows the laws and yeah that one big thing...she was the MFing Secretary of State and spent a vast majority of her time in that position learning and creating relationships with countries.
8. I said don't bring up those damn emails!!!
9. Come on...THE FIRST MAN ever in office- that alone is pretty cool!
10. Vote, it's as simple as that. Vote and let the people be heard. IF and dear god if a certain person does win, I then know that this country is not ready and or willing to change for the better. We would be putting ourselves back several decades in several areas of progression that so many people fought for. We will be letting African Americans know that Black Lives DON'T Matter, we will be letting women know that they will continually be paid less than their male counterparts for doing the same work, we will be telling all immigrants that this is not the land of opportunity; because they won't be allowed in this country, we will be letting Muslims, citizens or not, that they are not wanted here and seen as a threat to our countries security, to wrap up this thought; basically we would be telling everyone that isn't WHITE, MIDDLE CLASS to UPPER CLASS WHITE MALES, you DON'T MATTER at all!
In history they say the victory writes the version of history for the rest of the world to read. Well, in a few months we shall see which victory will write the version of history for the rest of the world to read. May it be a good version and not one that alienates a large population of this country we call home. (for now at least.)
Be kind and do your research...don't go into this election blind.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
A part of me...
These are poems I found a few days ago that I wrote...gosh I would say about ten years ago or even longer than that. These mainly focus on my own identity as a biracial woman. I know what you're thinking..."She looks white.", well, actually I am biracial- mom is black and my father is white. I check both boxes on forms or for the longest time I was "other." Yeah, that can impact your life for awhile.
Burden on Me
So much for me to handle
I worry enough for the world;
I should be playing jacks and eating candy...
Instead, I am the spiritual up-lifter, smile maker to people who can't see me.
I give smiles, much needed boosts to morale, but still no one worries for me.
That's because the burden is on me.
Blackness
What it means to be black
Does this mean there is a certain walk, way of talk, style of hair?
Am I any different from my black sisters that have luscious lips and thick hips?
My blackness is questioned because I am not the color of coffee, mocha or dark chocolate, but the color of cream.
Eyes blue like the ocean;
I am not what I seem to be.
Untitled
Blue eyes, fair skin, curly hair, full lips, small hips, straight nose.
Seeking someone to love me for me.
Needs someone who can handle both halves of me as one.
Take me as a whole, not two pieces of a color wheel.
Will shower with affection if only given the chance.
No liars, cheats, need apply.
Looking for a genuine man who will take me for who I am.
Unearthly Behavior
What is one to do?
Walk away from what is happening?
Everyone chose to take pictures and stare.
Laughing and shouting, what they had always wanted to say;
"It's about time." one woman screamed.
"You're getting what you deserve!" others declared.
The forecast called for strong winds from the north,
Possibly causing some strange behavior;
Among Animals.
Momma Didn't Warn Me
Momma didn't warn me it would hurt this much.
Momma didn't tell me my eyes would dry up from the river of tears.
Momma didn't tell me to watch out for sharks.
Momma DID tell me to cry and move on.
Momma DID tell me that a diamond deserves another diamond to compliment the shine,
not a lump of coal posing in shiny clothes.
Be kind!
Burden on Me
So much for me to handle
I worry enough for the world;
I should be playing jacks and eating candy...
Instead, I am the spiritual up-lifter, smile maker to people who can't see me.
I give smiles, much needed boosts to morale, but still no one worries for me.
That's because the burden is on me.
Blackness
What it means to be black
Does this mean there is a certain walk, way of talk, style of hair?
Am I any different from my black sisters that have luscious lips and thick hips?
My blackness is questioned because I am not the color of coffee, mocha or dark chocolate, but the color of cream.
Eyes blue like the ocean;
I am not what I seem to be.
Untitled
Blue eyes, fair skin, curly hair, full lips, small hips, straight nose.
Seeking someone to love me for me.
Needs someone who can handle both halves of me as one.
Take me as a whole, not two pieces of a color wheel.
Will shower with affection if only given the chance.
No liars, cheats, need apply.
Looking for a genuine man who will take me for who I am.
Unearthly Behavior
What is one to do?
Walk away from what is happening?
Everyone chose to take pictures and stare.
Laughing and shouting, what they had always wanted to say;
"It's about time." one woman screamed.
"You're getting what you deserve!" others declared.
The forecast called for strong winds from the north,
Possibly causing some strange behavior;
Among Animals.
Momma Didn't Warn Me
Momma didn't warn me it would hurt this much.
Momma didn't tell me my eyes would dry up from the river of tears.
Momma didn't tell me to watch out for sharks.
Momma DID tell me to cry and move on.
Momma DID tell me that a diamond deserves another diamond to compliment the shine,
not a lump of coal posing in shiny clothes.
Be kind!
Thursday, June 16, 2016
CIA Father
My father has been there for me all my life, he is still there when I fall and helps me get back up when I need help. (Yes, people I know I am 34, but hell a girl still needs her father sometimes!)
So, in honor all Father's Day I am going to tell you what I know about my father. Let me preface this with: we have a running "joke" in our family that he is in the CIA...here are just a few examples of why we think this:
1. Never liked and still to this day does not like getting his picture taken. (could it be that other spies might see a picture of him on one of his four daughter's social media and identify him as an operative?)
2. He doesn't talk much about what he did after he served as a police officer in the Air Force during Vietnam...now this could just be shell shock or PTSD (which are no laughing matter, but we don't know much about his work after that.)
3. I never knew what he did for work as a child. He would get dressed in a suit and disappear till about five pm and then that was it. Never talked about his work with us or my mom. I would ask him all the time what he did for a living and he would change the subject. (Sly, right?)
4. While cleaning out a box of old pictures and clippings from when he was in Vietnam, ( I was making him a better scrapbook) I came across payments in the amount of 10 dollars a month to an organization that helped children of the war. He even had a picture of the little boy he was helping. But as I put everything in order by month...he missed ONE month! That little didn't make it according to my father, but in the paper work there was no update on that...so what really happened to this little?
5. My father has a nice collection of watches...I have never been allowed to touch or see these watches, which makes me believe there is something "special" about these watches. Do they make vaults open, do they scramble computers of other spies or is there a flash drive in one that can download secret documents on the fly? Who knows, all I know is they have to wound in a winding machine, and that could be the way he is able to get the information to his head CIA person.
6. My mom has no idea what he did while he was stationed overseas, I think the Philippines for some time. This was before me, but, she is in the dark about that whole time. When asked about it, he again changes the subject. (he is really good at this!)
7. My dad has not and probably will never set up his voicemail on his phone...is this so no one hears his voice?
8. My father has no social media at all...he is a ghost on the internet. (yeah I just did a search and nothing!) You explain that one to me...most people have at least one hit when searched. He's got NOTHING!
9. My father does not leave the house unless he really has to. That means all the covert stuff must be going down in the house, and since its just him and three dogs, he knows they are going to say anything.
10. He is going on a trip next week, and when I asked where, he giggled and said, "somewhere near Destin FL." Really? "Florida" is that really where you are going?" More chuckling and he clears it up by saying the AFB that is in FL...you want me to believe you know?
He is a man of few words and apparently a man of international mystery as well. Though, to prove he wasn't in the CIA- he did send me his entire viate': HELLO, if you were in the CIA, this obviously will omit the fact that you are in the CIA...can't be a reliable source!
With that being said, Happy Father's day to the Fathers out there and to the ones that are no longer with you. Also, a big shout out to the mom's that are holding it down doing both roles!
Be kind.
So, in honor all Father's Day I am going to tell you what I know about my father. Let me preface this with: we have a running "joke" in our family that he is in the CIA...here are just a few examples of why we think this:
1. Never liked and still to this day does not like getting his picture taken. (could it be that other spies might see a picture of him on one of his four daughter's social media and identify him as an operative?)
2. He doesn't talk much about what he did after he served as a police officer in the Air Force during Vietnam...now this could just be shell shock or PTSD (which are no laughing matter, but we don't know much about his work after that.)
3. I never knew what he did for work as a child. He would get dressed in a suit and disappear till about five pm and then that was it. Never talked about his work with us or my mom. I would ask him all the time what he did for a living and he would change the subject. (Sly, right?)
4. While cleaning out a box of old pictures and clippings from when he was in Vietnam, ( I was making him a better scrapbook) I came across payments in the amount of 10 dollars a month to an organization that helped children of the war. He even had a picture of the little boy he was helping. But as I put everything in order by month...he missed ONE month! That little didn't make it according to my father, but in the paper work there was no update on that...so what really happened to this little?
5. My father has a nice collection of watches...I have never been allowed to touch or see these watches, which makes me believe there is something "special" about these watches. Do they make vaults open, do they scramble computers of other spies or is there a flash drive in one that can download secret documents on the fly? Who knows, all I know is they have to wound in a winding machine, and that could be the way he is able to get the information to his head CIA person.
6. My mom has no idea what he did while he was stationed overseas, I think the Philippines for some time. This was before me, but, she is in the dark about that whole time. When asked about it, he again changes the subject. (he is really good at this!)
7. My dad has not and probably will never set up his voicemail on his phone...is this so no one hears his voice?
8. My father has no social media at all...he is a ghost on the internet. (yeah I just did a search and nothing!) You explain that one to me...most people have at least one hit when searched. He's got NOTHING!
9. My father does not leave the house unless he really has to. That means all the covert stuff must be going down in the house, and since its just him and three dogs, he knows they are going to say anything.
10. He is going on a trip next week, and when I asked where, he giggled and said, "somewhere near Destin FL." Really? "Florida" is that really where you are going?" More chuckling and he clears it up by saying the AFB that is in FL...you want me to believe you know?
He is a man of few words and apparently a man of international mystery as well. Though, to prove he wasn't in the CIA- he did send me his entire viate': HELLO, if you were in the CIA, this obviously will omit the fact that you are in the CIA...can't be a reliable source!
With that being said, Happy Father's day to the Fathers out there and to the ones that are no longer with you. Also, a big shout out to the mom's that are holding it down doing both roles!
Be kind.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Restraint
I talked about people being afraid of what is different yesterday, and today I saw it first hand sitting in the vet's office. Again, I have been wearing a tichel (head covering-eventually you will see the word and know what I mean.) since late October of last year. I live in a city that has a rather large community that cover for religious reasons, or whatever reason they have. So, again for me it is not something that I find strange or different. I also sure as hell don't stare at someone who is covered. I am more likely to comment how beautiful their covering is, or ask the doctor how he gets his pleats so perfect! I guess growing up in the military and being around so many types of people, gave me an appreciation for people and cultures that were different from me and my family.
I went with no makeup today, as I woke up with a slight headache and just didn't feel the need to today. But I pulled on my purple "unicorns are my spirit animal" t-shirt, light black cardigan, jeans and my trusty converse. I pulled out my purple tichels (a pretty sparkly one I received a week ago from a another wrapper.) and did a basic regal wrap and added a black satin ribbon and then a felt flower clip I had made years ago- it also had a shade of purple on it. So I thought I looked pretty good, for not feeling 100%. Off to the vet we go...
Dog gets her shots, bloodwork, a dosage prescription for allergies and so on. (Yes, I am the one that has a dog with seasonal allergies, go figure.) As my husband and I are waiting for the bloodwork, a vet tech comes from the back and stands right in front of me and just stares at me. Now, I know I didn't have anything hanging out of my nose, or anything in my teeth, since I didn't smile at her...so what could she be looking at with such interest? She would look away, and then turn right back to me and stare harder at me and then at my husband and then back to me. I caught her several times doing this. Finally, I just looked at my husband and said I am going to take the dog to the car. As I got the dog in the car, it all just flooded over me...she was looking at me because I was different. I had something on my head that she didn't understand and why I was wearing. It wasn't a look of curiosity, it was a look of almost disdain for what I was wearing on my head. I haven't felt so upset over being the different looking person in so long, that this bothered me to the point that I had to leave the situation.
Alright, so here is the real reason I left the office...I left because this little woman was looking at me unwelcoming and two, I have a tendency to say things out loud that are not appropriate. I am not perfect and never claim to be, I am constantly evolving. I tend to just speak before my brain can catch up with my words. If I would have stayed in that office one minute longer, I would have asked her if she wanted to ask me something since she was looking at me so hard. "Do you want to take a picture so you can continue to stare after I leave?" or worse, I would have more than likely cursed at her. It took so much restraint not to do any of these things. I have come a long way-trust me on this. I have a low tolerance for people and their ignorance. With that being said, I took a moment and just walked away...a higher power pulled me away from the situation and gave me the restraint I needed to not say anything to this woman. My mouth was shut and my eyes were open to my surroundings and I knew that I did not need to be there any longer.
It takes a lot of restraint to be the bigger person when it comes to ignorance and hatred. I stepped up to the challenge this morning. This woman had several things working against her in the situation: I hadn't had breakfast-so I was Hangry, I had a slight headache-so I was grumpy, and I wanted coffee-so I could have attacked at any moment. I took the higher ground and walked out with the sun hitting my shimmery tichel and a happy dog wagging her little bobbed tail!
Just be kind...
I went with no makeup today, as I woke up with a slight headache and just didn't feel the need to today. But I pulled on my purple "unicorns are my spirit animal" t-shirt, light black cardigan, jeans and my trusty converse. I pulled out my purple tichels (a pretty sparkly one I received a week ago from a another wrapper.) and did a basic regal wrap and added a black satin ribbon and then a felt flower clip I had made years ago- it also had a shade of purple on it. So I thought I looked pretty good, for not feeling 100%. Off to the vet we go...
Dog gets her shots, bloodwork, a dosage prescription for allergies and so on. (Yes, I am the one that has a dog with seasonal allergies, go figure.) As my husband and I are waiting for the bloodwork, a vet tech comes from the back and stands right in front of me and just stares at me. Now, I know I didn't have anything hanging out of my nose, or anything in my teeth, since I didn't smile at her...so what could she be looking at with such interest? She would look away, and then turn right back to me and stare harder at me and then at my husband and then back to me. I caught her several times doing this. Finally, I just looked at my husband and said I am going to take the dog to the car. As I got the dog in the car, it all just flooded over me...she was looking at me because I was different. I had something on my head that she didn't understand and why I was wearing. It wasn't a look of curiosity, it was a look of almost disdain for what I was wearing on my head. I haven't felt so upset over being the different looking person in so long, that this bothered me to the point that I had to leave the situation.
Alright, so here is the real reason I left the office...I left because this little woman was looking at me unwelcoming and two, I have a tendency to say things out loud that are not appropriate. I am not perfect and never claim to be, I am constantly evolving. I tend to just speak before my brain can catch up with my words. If I would have stayed in that office one minute longer, I would have asked her if she wanted to ask me something since she was looking at me so hard. "Do you want to take a picture so you can continue to stare after I leave?" or worse, I would have more than likely cursed at her. It took so much restraint not to do any of these things. I have come a long way-trust me on this. I have a low tolerance for people and their ignorance. With that being said, I took a moment and just walked away...a higher power pulled me away from the situation and gave me the restraint I needed to not say anything to this woman. My mouth was shut and my eyes were open to my surroundings and I knew that I did not need to be there any longer.
It takes a lot of restraint to be the bigger person when it comes to ignorance and hatred. I stepped up to the challenge this morning. This woman had several things working against her in the situation: I hadn't had breakfast-so I was Hangry, I had a slight headache-so I was grumpy, and I wanted coffee-so I could have attacked at any moment. I took the higher ground and walked out with the sun hitting my shimmery tichel and a happy dog wagging her little bobbed tail!
Just be kind...
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Climate (Not the weather.)
With recent events happening in our world, it has lead me to believe we have a really bad climate of hatred. Will it ever change? Will my children (that I don't have yet.) or your children's children ever see a time in their lives where there is total peace? Now if you know me well, I am sarcastic and a huge skeptic about life in general. I question just about everything that takes place on an everyday basis. Much to my parent's delight, I was and still am their child that asks too many questions and talks too much for them.
Back on topic...why is there so much hatred? I am going to speak mainly about this country, even though there are so many things to discuss about events around the world. As a history teacher I could speak at length about this country and it's many transgressions against people living here. As a teacher, not a history teacher, I could speak you in great length about the division there is between students of different social, gender, ethnic, race, sexual orientation and much more in the school, city I live in. But back to my point, as a woman of color, I see the way that people look at me. I have noticed it more since I now cover my hair when I leave the house. Even though there is a population of students and professors in the city that wrap for various religious and other reasons, it is still uncommon for people to see in this area. People do double takes, even though it seems to me rather common place. Its not just the way people will look at someone that is "different" in any way, its the way they do it...it's that distinct face of "why the hell are you here and what are you going to do." face. People often are afraid of what they don't understand, and I would try to explain to my students, that diversity is glorious and it makes the world a beautiful place, but it also creates conflict.
The climate of hatred in this country is growing by the minute. While I sit here typing, someone is being beat for being the "wrong skin color", the "wrong religion," the "wrong gender in a bathroom that doesn't fit what they were born as," being "mentally ill, and people think you are the one to hurt them," and just for "not fitting the mold of the NORMAL." (I hate that word.) What is the norm in this country, well, just take a look at what one Presidential Candidate is saying and doing. That will give you an idea of what seems to be the norm for this country. I don't even want to get started on politics, it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I re-posted something on FB today about, when a White man does something, their entire race isn't blamed for what happened. That is true.
There is privilege, and if you think there isn't you are benefiting from that privilege in some way. I in no way want to make it seems as though I blame all horrible actions/hatred on white men in this country. I would be blaming my father and my husband if that were the case. I just know that as a biracial woman, I see the privilege while being with my husband and father... I see how differently they are treated as opposed to being with my mother or sisters (mom-black, sisters- one black and one Japanese.) I also see what happens when my middle sister (black) takes her five children to the store; she has two biological children and her and the BIL adopted three siblings that are white with blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, don't tell me that people don't stare. They question it, trust me. We as human beings need to re-evaluate how we attack this climate of hate...why is it still there? Does the person that loves someone of the same sex, really cause problems in your life? Does the color of one's skin determine their ability to do a job well? Does the sex on someone's birth certificate matter if they identify as another? Do these things bother you? Do they have an impact on your life in anyway? If I pray to Allah five times a day, go to church on Sunday, am an Orthodox Jew, am I hurting you?
I hope that one day, the climate will change for the better and there will not be hatred for things that you just don't understand...but here is the thing; you actually have to want to learn something about what you fear is too different to make the climate change. The clouds will lift one day, that is my hope.(hope this makes sense...a little tired and my brain is on overload!)
Be kind out there...do your best.
Back on topic...why is there so much hatred? I am going to speak mainly about this country, even though there are so many things to discuss about events around the world. As a history teacher I could speak at length about this country and it's many transgressions against people living here. As a teacher, not a history teacher, I could speak you in great length about the division there is between students of different social, gender, ethnic, race, sexual orientation and much more in the school, city I live in. But back to my point, as a woman of color, I see the way that people look at me. I have noticed it more since I now cover my hair when I leave the house. Even though there is a population of students and professors in the city that wrap for various religious and other reasons, it is still uncommon for people to see in this area. People do double takes, even though it seems to me rather common place. Its not just the way people will look at someone that is "different" in any way, its the way they do it...it's that distinct face of "why the hell are you here and what are you going to do." face. People often are afraid of what they don't understand, and I would try to explain to my students, that diversity is glorious and it makes the world a beautiful place, but it also creates conflict.
The climate of hatred in this country is growing by the minute. While I sit here typing, someone is being beat for being the "wrong skin color", the "wrong religion," the "wrong gender in a bathroom that doesn't fit what they were born as," being "mentally ill, and people think you are the one to hurt them," and just for "not fitting the mold of the NORMAL." (I hate that word.) What is the norm in this country, well, just take a look at what one Presidential Candidate is saying and doing. That will give you an idea of what seems to be the norm for this country. I don't even want to get started on politics, it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I re-posted something on FB today about, when a White man does something, their entire race isn't blamed for what happened. That is true.
There is privilege, and if you think there isn't you are benefiting from that privilege in some way. I in no way want to make it seems as though I blame all horrible actions/hatred on white men in this country. I would be blaming my father and my husband if that were the case. I just know that as a biracial woman, I see the privilege while being with my husband and father... I see how differently they are treated as opposed to being with my mother or sisters (mom-black, sisters- one black and one Japanese.) I also see what happens when my middle sister (black) takes her five children to the store; she has two biological children and her and the BIL adopted three siblings that are white with blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, don't tell me that people don't stare. They question it, trust me. We as human beings need to re-evaluate how we attack this climate of hate...why is it still there? Does the person that loves someone of the same sex, really cause problems in your life? Does the color of one's skin determine their ability to do a job well? Does the sex on someone's birth certificate matter if they identify as another? Do these things bother you? Do they have an impact on your life in anyway? If I pray to Allah five times a day, go to church on Sunday, am an Orthodox Jew, am I hurting you?
I hope that one day, the climate will change for the better and there will not be hatred for things that you just don't understand...but here is the thing; you actually have to want to learn something about what you fear is too different to make the climate change. The clouds will lift one day, that is my hope.(hope this makes sense...a little tired and my brain is on overload!)
Be kind out there...do your best.
Being authentic
I have struggled with self esteem probably for most of my life. Confidence for me came in the realm of being good in school, playing the flute and doing cute little craft items. I never really had a sense of "beauty." Of course my parents told me and all my sisters that we were beautiful, but you can hear it and still believe it's not true.
When I got to college, I seemed to have come into my own. I was very social, had two jobs, got to know a lot of people and pretty much felt pretty all through college. But looking back on it, it seemed to be a false beauty. It was oh, "you are the curly haired girl with the blue eyes...: I was known for being a good student, a good tour guide, able to talk to anyone, a sorority girl, (yes, I was in a sorority and I loved it.), I was that girl, along with many other girls I went to school with. We were labeled based on our outer appearance for the most part. Again, the sense of my outer appearance mattered more to people than what I was capable of doing. It is apparent to me know that my outer appearance then was a direct reflection of my inner self; I valued being told I was pretty, I valued people telling me that I looked good in that outfit and that they wanted to buy me a drink and so on.
I continued my education and got my Master's and then my teaching certification. I got my teaching job in 2011 and that lasted until 2014.(if you want to know why such a short teaching spell, look in the archieves and you can read about the incident.) In the fall of 2014 I started my degree program in Curriculum Design and Instruction and will finish this December. YEAH! I will then start the next phase of my education in January of 2017 with my Doctoral classes for my ED.d in Curriculum. (Do I love school or what?) I have a lot of my plate, but I am determined and I have a great support system to help me achieve my goals. But back to my original thought, When I started this program I will finish this fall, I learned something about myself, my true authentic self wasn't being projected to others. I was the woman that would drive two hours to class once a week and say very little in class. (Social anxiety is one of my issues, until I get comfortable with people.)
Again, pulling it back to the real thought behind this, boy I can get lost on tangents...so my true self was not being projected the way that I wanted it to be. I was still unsure of my own ability to actually survive this program and the daunting task of writing and defending a dissertation, etc. It wasn't until about October that I seemed to have found my stride. I happen to notice my twin was wrapping her hair for fashion reasons. I was intrigued and started looking into it myself. I did some googling and stumbled on a website and Youtube channel all about wrapping tichels. The wrap for Jewish woman once they are married. But through my digging, it was not just Torah observant Jews that were wearing the tichels, woman of all backgrounds were wearing these beautiful wraps for a multitude of reasons. I felt a calling to try to it, so I did. I had a sizable collection of scarves already, so I dipped my toes in and went for it.
By the end of October I was wrapping exclusively outside of the house. I don't wrap at home, since my husband loves to see my hair, down....but I am typically running around doing things, that it is up in a bun. When I started wrapping and learning all these beautiful ways to do the tichels, I noticed that I was walking taller, speaking louder, and felt more confident. I started to thinking to myself, this is me. This is the me that I have been looking for all these years. I am no longer the woman with the curly hair. I am more than my hair. People didn't reach out to touch my hair-by the way if someone did that- they got the death stare and I would also do the Star Wars Jedi mind trick and try to smush their brain. Sidetracked again. Men did and no not look at me for what I am wearing and my hair, they do not objective me based on these outward things anymore.
I am a PERSON in the world and that is what I strive to be. It is truly hard to explain why I started covering full time, but the best way to describe it, it is my authentic self. It is my shield from the outside world that will judge me based on my outside appearance, rather then what is in my head and my ability to do my job well. Yes, people still comment on the blue eyes, but I can't do much about that. I am not my hair, the tichel is my way of letting people know that I am more than my hair. I want you to focus on my words, my intelligence, my ability to complete a job with skill. I don't need you wondering if my hair is naturally curly or that it must take a lot of work to do every morning. (the answer to both of those questions is YES. ) I am not ashamed of my hair, being biracial, I have a distinct love for my hair. I come from two cultures that have created a blend that is exceptional. I know how to take care of my hair, I know that my hair is beautiful to others, but I am protecting that beauty with me wrapping. I am protecting myself from being put in a box of "just another pretty woman using her looks to get ahead." What is under that wrap is what matters, well what is under the wrap, under the hair and in my skull is what is important...what comes out of my mouth because of that big old smushy thing is what matters. My words and actions allow me to be authentic and wearing the tichel allows others to focus on both of those without distraction. WOW...a lot to ponder!
Be kind.
When I got to college, I seemed to have come into my own. I was very social, had two jobs, got to know a lot of people and pretty much felt pretty all through college. But looking back on it, it seemed to be a false beauty. It was oh, "you are the curly haired girl with the blue eyes...: I was known for being a good student, a good tour guide, able to talk to anyone, a sorority girl, (yes, I was in a sorority and I loved it.), I was that girl, along with many other girls I went to school with. We were labeled based on our outer appearance for the most part. Again, the sense of my outer appearance mattered more to people than what I was capable of doing. It is apparent to me know that my outer appearance then was a direct reflection of my inner self; I valued being told I was pretty, I valued people telling me that I looked good in that outfit and that they wanted to buy me a drink and so on.
I continued my education and got my Master's and then my teaching certification. I got my teaching job in 2011 and that lasted until 2014.(if you want to know why such a short teaching spell, look in the archieves and you can read about the incident.) In the fall of 2014 I started my degree program in Curriculum Design and Instruction and will finish this December. YEAH! I will then start the next phase of my education in January of 2017 with my Doctoral classes for my ED.d in Curriculum. (Do I love school or what?) I have a lot of my plate, but I am determined and I have a great support system to help me achieve my goals. But back to my original thought, When I started this program I will finish this fall, I learned something about myself, my true authentic self wasn't being projected to others. I was the woman that would drive two hours to class once a week and say very little in class. (Social anxiety is one of my issues, until I get comfortable with people.)
Again, pulling it back to the real thought behind this, boy I can get lost on tangents...so my true self was not being projected the way that I wanted it to be. I was still unsure of my own ability to actually survive this program and the daunting task of writing and defending a dissertation, etc. It wasn't until about October that I seemed to have found my stride. I happen to notice my twin was wrapping her hair for fashion reasons. I was intrigued and started looking into it myself. I did some googling and stumbled on a website and Youtube channel all about wrapping tichels. The wrap for Jewish woman once they are married. But through my digging, it was not just Torah observant Jews that were wearing the tichels, woman of all backgrounds were wearing these beautiful wraps for a multitude of reasons. I felt a calling to try to it, so I did. I had a sizable collection of scarves already, so I dipped my toes in and went for it.
By the end of October I was wrapping exclusively outside of the house. I don't wrap at home, since my husband loves to see my hair, down....but I am typically running around doing things, that it is up in a bun. When I started wrapping and learning all these beautiful ways to do the tichels, I noticed that I was walking taller, speaking louder, and felt more confident. I started to thinking to myself, this is me. This is the me that I have been looking for all these years. I am no longer the woman with the curly hair. I am more than my hair. People didn't reach out to touch my hair-by the way if someone did that- they got the death stare and I would also do the Star Wars Jedi mind trick and try to smush their brain. Sidetracked again. Men did and no not look at me for what I am wearing and my hair, they do not objective me based on these outward things anymore.
I am a PERSON in the world and that is what I strive to be. It is truly hard to explain why I started covering full time, but the best way to describe it, it is my authentic self. It is my shield from the outside world that will judge me based on my outside appearance, rather then what is in my head and my ability to do my job well. Yes, people still comment on the blue eyes, but I can't do much about that. I am not my hair, the tichel is my way of letting people know that I am more than my hair. I want you to focus on my words, my intelligence, my ability to complete a job with skill. I don't need you wondering if my hair is naturally curly or that it must take a lot of work to do every morning. (the answer to both of those questions is YES. ) I am not ashamed of my hair, being biracial, I have a distinct love for my hair. I come from two cultures that have created a blend that is exceptional. I know how to take care of my hair, I know that my hair is beautiful to others, but I am protecting that beauty with me wrapping. I am protecting myself from being put in a box of "just another pretty woman using her looks to get ahead." What is under that wrap is what matters, well what is under the wrap, under the hair and in my skull is what is important...what comes out of my mouth because of that big old smushy thing is what matters. My words and actions allow me to be authentic and wearing the tichel allows others to focus on both of those without distraction. WOW...a lot to ponder!
Be kind.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Purging
I'm back!, wow...it has been awhile since I actually had time to sit still long enough to actually write anything. (Or think of anything other than school topics!) I am finished with my last semester of CLASSES for this program, and am looking forward to the fall where I get to do something I am actually interested in! YEAH.
Alright, so over the last two weeks I have been cleaning out the house. I cleaned my closet out and let me tell you my nieces are lucky young ladies, they are getting a lot of great things from me! I noticed that while purging my closet and dresser, and then the next day I organized my tichels (head coverings) as well. I traded a few with some ladies so, that was even more purging for me. It was so cathartic to get rid of things I wasn't wearing or using. Just the idea of not having in my way anymore put my mind at ease. My mind was so clear, that I was able to sit down and be creative in my craft nook. This was so restful and relaxing.
So, why I am telling you all this? Well, let's just say that over the last two years I have also done a little purging of people in my life. I think the last post was about cutting people out that don't fit me anymore. It's kind of like the clothes. They don't fit anymore and they need to be passed onto people that could use them. I have been very selective in who I share things with, hang out with, talk to and just overall surround myself with. I now understand that my mother was right when she would say, "People come into your life for a reason and a season." This is soooo true. If they stick around longer than one season, guess what? They stay with you through the good, the bad and the ugly. I have noticed who has been around me for all of that. (you know who you are.) I have noticed that my circle of people around me has grown smaller. I have noticed that my phone doesn't ring that much, I have noticed that I only hang out with a very few select people. This does not bother me one bit, but it does tell me who survived the purge and who hasn't. It also tells me who was meant to stick around for longer than one season. The older I get the more I don't have time to be "pretend" friends with people. I either like you or I don't, I don't bullshit anything. I don't have time for that. I don't have time to be fake to someone just because it's something that is socially accepted as a norm. IF you know me I do not fit into the norm. I hate the norm...the word normal makes my skin crawl.
You don't just have to clean out a closet or organize a room in your house to purge things from your life, sometimes people have to be purged too. It is about you being authentic and true to who you are and if someone does not fit into your life, their season is up and its time to move on.
Be kind.
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