Nothing to say...

I think I am all talked out. There are days that since I talk for a profession I don't want to talk anymore when I get home for awhile. Over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I am done talking. Its not that I am done talking about and expressing how I feel, I have just progressed into the next phase of my treatment. I don't need a group setting anymore and that is ok. I have plenty to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied in a healthy way. I just think I am all talked out and have nothing to say anymore twice a week. We had discussed this earlier, and I am to that point of I think I am ready to move on. I have this week left and then I think I am strong enough to move on...its just that change is hard to do and this is something that needs to be done. I don't like using crutches and I have used this for long enough. It was useful to me when I needed it but its time to move on. I have nothing left to say so Its best to move on to the next thing. School will start up soon and that will keep me busy so I have no worries about that. Its the unknown that could make someone crazy, but then again its also the unknown that is super exciting and I am looking forward to to. Though I might have nothing to say in group therapy anymore, I have plenty to say to the world I live in and will do so when prompted.

be kind.

Perfect World

If I lived in a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about paying bills, worry about finding a part time job while I am in school and a dozen other things. Is there such thing as a perfect world, or are we all just living in a world that is average? I actually like the idea of living in a non-perfect world. It takes the stress off of me and having to live up to an ideal that I am not able to obtain. I am willing to forgo everything thing that would come with it being perfect, if I can just live my life the way I have been over the last few months. I can sit outside and enjoy what the nature has to offer me in the way of beauty, I can visit friends and experience the world through average eyes and not perfect ones. Its like having sunglasses on and I like it.

Short and sweet, be kind and enjoy the day.

Bad Day

It seems that in my world people are more sensitive to me having a bad day. They think something traumatic has to happen for me to have a bad day. I want to say I am just like everyone else and I am ALLOWED to have a bad day. I am allowed to sleep till noon and stay in my PJs all day. It's fine. The problem is I am different, from everyone else's bad days. I unfortunately am wired to have more bad days than good days.  I struggle some days just to get out of bed, but I force myself almost everyday of the week to get out of bed and do something constructive during the day. This not only allows me to prevent multiple bad days, but it puts those bad days into perspective for me. They aren't really bad days, they are my lazy days. I have chosen today not to exercise, stay in my PJs and sleep till noon, because I CAN. Tomorrow I will get up exercise and have a great day because I know that my one lazy day is ok to have. I allow myself to be me and if I need a day off I take it. I allow myself to say its ok not to be active one day out of the week and I give myself permission to enjoy my lazy days. If it weren't for the my conscious telling me that I have to get out of bed and do something, I would have more bad days than I would normally allow. Again, my brain is hardwired to have more bad days and once that bad lazy day starts it can spiral into a bad day that can last a week or even longer. It's a struggle that I will have to deal with my entire life but I am determined to have more GOOD days than BAD days.

Be kind today.

You've got a friend in me

This weekend I will get to see someone who I haven't seen in almost 6 years...could be longer. She is my college roommate and I love her like a sister. She has been there for me through the good, bad and oooooohhhhh so ugly. She is a rock when you need her to be and a the sweetest person if you need that. I love this girl with all my heart and know that no matter how long we have been apart, or even if we don't talk for awhile, we pick right back where we left off when we see/talk to each other. I have apologized to her husband and my SO already for the crazy that will ensue when we see each other. There may be interpretive dance, singing out of key, tons of college flashbacks, and yes HUGS!!!! I am not a crying person but she could get me to shed a tear or two when I step onto her front steps.

The first time she went home with me for spring break, she busted her ass on treadmill down in my mom's basement. She has busted me out on speakerphone to my mom about several things (momma you know what I am talking about-VHS tape.) We took a shot of "mr. bumpy face" before walking in our college commencement. We never missed a PJ party for BSA, even though they were a hot mess.  Out of all this, she has always made me laugh. We are thick as thieves and will always be. Our lives are completely different, she is the mother of two beautiful little boys, works full time and is married to a great guy.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy, no kids (and none on the horizon until I stop calling children "it" or "curtain crawlers- this one courtesy of my father.) and I am going back to school. Though we took different paths, we still have one thing in common, we love laughing and hanging out together.

Over the last year I have been absent from a lot of people's lives. It was my year to fix me and then work on fixing the relationships I have hurt through stepping out of the picture. Well, like I said she is a rock, no matter what I say or do, I know she has my back. I know that I have will always have a friend in this woman!

Library

I have always loved libraries. The smell of books make me crazy...maybe its because there are so many stories to tell from each book. I loved going back in the stacks in college and riffle through all the books in the history section or any section for that matter. People thought I was crazy when I would leave with 15 books at once. (I was a history major so 15 books is on the low end.) I don't know what it is but whenever I visit or live in a place I want to visit the library. I think you can tell a lot about a community's values in how well they keep their library. Sounds silly, but its true. Is the library up to date, do they have a connection with other libraries to get books they may not have, etc. It basically says "we value education and helping bring the imagination alive for the people that live here." No this could be total bias, but I really think that is true. Well, in all honesty it is complete bias, because I am what people would call a "Forever Student." I am going back to school this fall and I can't wait to set foot in the college libraries around here. I know this sounds silly, but I want to see what this community really values for its young people. I want to see if they are truly putting in the investment they need to.  If I walk in there and its mostly computerized I might cry. If I don't get to use a microfiche I might faint. I had a personal relationship with all the librarians at my college, they could get me anything I asked for. For my senior thesis they were able to get me books that were out of print and in special collections, along with several articles from journals that aren't even distributed in this country!!! They are my rock stars...let's hope  i have the same experience in my new libraries. :)

Be kind and go to the library-read a book.

Mail....

My dog barks at the mailman every single day like clockwork. I would be surprised if she missed a day. On Sundays she begs for the front windows to be opened so she can have something to bark at. I was thinking about the mail yesterday when I was having a conversation with someone...We live in a society that is very connected and many people have a hard time sitting down to even talk without looking at their phones. I am amazed just driving around town, how I will see all of the passengers on their phones and no one is talking to each other. Its the same thing when I go out to eat. I say all of this, as I want you to be connected to my blog and read the shit out of it...but this is in a good way. Its about the personal feeling you get when you check your mail and its a physical piece of mail. I am lucky that my twin likes postcards so I get one about once a month. I love getting mail. It makes you feel special, like someone out there cared enough to send you something. My mom sends me coupons... and I love it. I think its mainly about slowing down and taking the time out to put the phone down and disconnect for a bit. Try it you might like it. Heck write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in awhile. Make them smile when they check their mail this week. Slow down and take time to reconnect with people and not a device that you hold in your hand.

Be kind.

Ready

How do you know if you are truly ready to move from one place in your life to the next? Is it just something that happens and you don't even realize it, or is it a conscious choice to actually take the next step in your life? I have been thinking about this for the last few days. How do you know you are ready for anything that might come your way? Are we ever really ready for the changes that come at us or are we just supposed to go with the punches? I for one do not take change well. I like things constant, and I am sure many of you are like that. Change can be good but it's scary! So scary that I have resisted change for the better in my life for more than a year. I finally had to change because I had hit the bottom and there was no where else to go. If you are forced to change and take the next step/stage in your life does that mean that you no longer have a say in how things in your life go from this point on? I know this is a lot of questions, but think about it...do you lose control of your life when something forces you to change when you really aren't ready? Change can come in a quick flash or sneak along like a snail. My change at first was a flash and this current, pleasant change, thanks to the "incident", has been at a snail's pace. I actually don't mind the pace it has taken to get to where I am today. I am less stressed and more willing to be an active participant in my life and others around me. I am ready to move to the next stage in my life, which I thought would come after 20 years of teaching, but its coming much earlier. I am headed off on a journey to get my Phd and I am so READY for it. I am READY to be the person I always thought I could be and more. I am READY for CHANGE.

be kind to others and be ready for anything!

I'm a little Dutch Girl...

In honor of Father's Day, I thought I would write a little bit about my father. Yes, I really call him father. (I also refer to him as old man too, but father is what comes out most of the time.)  My father is a funny man, and most people wouldn't even know that because he is a quite man. I am the baby and my father has been there for me whenever I have needed him. He let me move back in with him while I was getting my Master's and student teaching and has been very supportive since the "incident."  The greatest thing he has done for me in the last few months is just say nothing. I have a very critical family, whom I love very much, but they can bite with their words sometimes. My family can compliment you and insult you in one breath, and then make you laugh about it with them. (Don't get me wrong I love this crazy bunch more than anything, but as they like to say, I am very sensitive.) Anyhoo, so my father has been critical of me in the past, "why did you get those tattoos?", "Are you sure you want to take that job?", "You need to lose some weight." Yep, again this is all said with a smile...but in the last two months he just hugs me and says I love you and that is it. The last time I saw him, he hugged me and said I want you to get better and I know you will. I am sitting here crying as I write this, because my father is not a man of much emotion, so this was big for him. My sisters can contest to this...I think it was when we were adults he started saying I love you. He is still a man of few words.

In our childhood, our father would do some pretty funny things. Seriously, it was like he took notes from Bill Cosby on how to make your children laugh. He would walk into a room as my twin and I were playing with a friend, put a dishrag on his head along with a blossom hat and say "I'm a little Dutch girl, can I come and play?" Mornings in my house, if you read about my mother, consisted of her vacuuming at 6 am, and my father singing a morning song. To this day he will bust out in song about whatever he is doing. I do the same thing. In fact I sang the "happy birthday" song to Ryan this morning. In the recent years since the passing of my dog Lilah, who loved my father and chose him as her human, he has started creating elaborate stories of the dogs. They like to leave "crime scenes" for him when he comes home from work. Sampson is typically the witness and Ali McBeagle is the culprit. This last week has been a story of the smhoos, they are a friendly cartoon character, in foam form that hold your cell phone on a desk. He has been sending me stories of what they are doing and pictures as well. I think the last one was Smhoos as Whoopi Goldberg talking on the View.... and it goes from there. My father may be quite but he has a huge imagination and I love him for that. I get my creativity from him and I thank if for that. I doodle because he doodles, I sing because he sings, I vacuum because, no wait my mom vacuums.

So, to all the fathers out there love your daughters because that is how they know how a man should treat them when they get older. If your father is not with you, they are looking down on you and I am sure they are proud. If your father wasn't  in your life, he missed out on someone great!

Be kind and give dad a hug!!!

Hickory Point Bank...

I was thinking about to when I lived in Blue Mound Illinois and worked in Decatur with two loverly ladies. (Amanda and Ashleigh) Well there are two stories that popped into my head instantly when thinking about my time at the bank. The first being mine and Amanda's introduction to the two most stinky and dirtiest people I have ever come in contact with. It was a  middle aged man and his mother...they literally could be smelled coming up to the bank. Well, we would take turns on who would help them, then everyone else would file into the vault room and spray air freshner into  a fan that was pointed towards the poor soul that had to wait on them. I swear they told us stories of bugs crawling across the counter. It got to the point that we knew he would be taking out the same amount of money each time and we would just have it ready and waiting for him and his lovely momma  so all we had to do was count it out. It was a smell that if I think hard enough about it, I can smell it now. (slight vomit in mouth.)

This story is a tad bit gross so this is your disclaimer if you want to stop reading now.
Amanda went to lunch and came back a bit early so she could use the restroom and relax before her lunch hour was up. She comes back from the bathroom and can't stop laughing...here is what she went through while in the restroom:
In the stall next to her she hears another woman say, " Oh god.", followed but "oh NO!" and then that was it. Now that alone could make a person chuckle. While Amanda is washing her hands, a Walmart employee comes in (the bank was inside the store) and heads to the stall next to Amanda. She opens the door and I believe Amanda said a few choice words came out of her mouth... the woman cursed and said "Oh my god!" Now of course if you hear this you are going to want to take a peek, as gross as it is. In Amanda's own words, " It was like someone paint balled the entire back of and sides of the stall." I will let that digest with you and give you the visual. Let's just say the bathroom was closed for most of the afternoon.

I loved working with these two girls, we laughed everyday, until a new boss and her friend invaded our space. (Remember the dolphin trap stamp ladies?) Those were good times and they still make me laugh just thinking about them. I miss them, but I get to see how their lives are going on facebook so that is a good thing. :)

Be kind and laugh today!

Birthday

My SO's birthday is this Friday. I am grateful that I am able to share this day with him. Honestly, I feel like its my birthday everyday that I am with him. He makes me feel like the happiest woman in the world. But Friday starts the his Birthday Week. We will be in STL on Saturday to also celebrate, and I want to show him how much of a nerdy girlfriend he really has. We will be going to see A Prairie Home Companion at the Fox. First let me say this is a birthday gift from my father to Ryan. But some might see it as a birthday gift to me from my father and he is thankful that he doesn't have to go with me and sit in the tiny seats, so in that way its a gift to my father. Did that make sense? In my head there is a mind map that outlines it perfectly. Hopefully, he enjoys it, he is getting older so I think he will be able to fit in with the geriatric group, we might be the youngest people there.  (I jest he isn't that old!)  Its live radio and I am just geek out about it, so he will get to see another layer of his never ending complex girlfriend. Where was I going with this....oh yeah so its its birthday and I am super excited that he is sharing it with me. He is my rock and has been there through everything and continues to be there for me. So, on Friday I start the celebration of the day of his birth for a man that deserves the world and much more. Happy Birthday Penguin.

Nothing

Sitting on my deck yesterday with the sun shining and a slight breeze I sat there and did NOTHING. It was the most relaxing thing ever. I just say there in silence and watched and listened to nature. I finally say my hummingbird I have been waiting for-due to the silence I was practicing. And that brings me to my point of the day, if you have NOTHING to say stay silent. If you just want to say something because that is what is expected of you try keeping your mouth shut and say NOTHING. In this society we are taught to have "small talk" with people, but in my mind its pointless and truly uncomfortable for me. I start a conversation and then it just stops and I feel awkward since I really have NOTHING to say to this person standing in front of me. I would rather say nothing, there will be days when my SO would be at work and I wouldn't say one word till he got home. I don't mind not talking its easy to do. My profession required me to talk for 8 hours a day, so not having to say anything is a blessing to me. Please don't take it as an insult if I don't talk to you, its just easier for me and my anxiety to say nothing. I have been working on it, but it still creeps up and I just say NOTHING.

Did you hear me?

Over the last year I have had to LEARN how to listen to what people really say. I heard a lot of promises of support and do what you need to and we will be there for you, but in the end guess what that is not what they really said.
Instead they said, " you're a problem and we need to get rid of you." If I would have heard this from the start I think I would have been able to fight a little better when the "incident" took place. (Refer to previous post for a definition of the incident.)  I have also learned that many people say things that they do not mean. I would rather have one true friend who is going to be honest than 50 who are going to blow smoke up your ass. People that are still in contact with me to this day are there because they say what they mean and mean what they say. I shouldn't need someone to interpret what has just been said, but three months ago, I needed about five interpreters. Today, I look back on it and laugh a little bit, partly because "Karma is a bitch and her sisters name is Joy."  I heard what they really had to say that day and it wasn't pretty, but I am going to turn those negative words into power to fuel me into my next life endeavor. Negative words wound, but they can ignite a fire that can be seen for miles and won't burn out till it has consumed those negative words and turned them into a positive.

Be kind to people this weekend and really try to say what you mean!

Bigger Plan

Yesterday confirmed for me that are BIGGER things out there for me. Last night I went to small group and we were talking about plans that God has for you. You may not know what it is just yet but there is a plan. Now I don't care what faith you are but I teach world history and almost every religion I teach talks about there being a higher plan for you.  I was accepted into the PHd. program and that confirmed the path I was to take for the next two years. I am looking forward to being a student again. It has been a long 3 months since the "incident" (that is what I am going to refer to it as, since its better than calling it "the bullshit the school pulled on me.") Anyway, so back to my plan. So the plan for the next two years is to complete my course work. After that we will just have to see. I am not going to say what if anymore, or question what is going to happen. I used to plan like crazy months in advance and to be honest not having a plan has been the best thing for me. Yes, there is a path now for me to embark on but its not the complete PLAN that is laid out for me, that will come in time. Yes, I have to make arrangements for what is going to happen when my health insurance runs out, yes I am going to have to make arrangements to get unemployment after my last paycheck but none of this is a plan its just something that I have to do in order to make ends meet. I am hopeful for the future even though I don't know what it holds, and that is refreshing. I don't have to know/control what happens I have to live in the now and take things as they come. And trust me I know there is much BIGGER PLAN for me.

Good Book

Since its been raining for about two weeks now and there is no sunlight in my near future...its time to get started on my summer book-polloza!  I have one book that I a almost finished with "the Other Boleyn Sister", that has turned out surprisingly good. I have several Agatha Christy books to start. My favorite happen to be the mustache investigator Poirot. I also have some non-fiction on my list: Guns, Germs and Steel, mainly because I want to develop a lesson plan around it. (look even though I am not teaching I still think of things to do in the class-soon enough) I might even go back and read several books I finished in the past. I will hold off on Atlas Shrugged, but The Fountainhead is getting good. Anyhoo... coffee is hot and the rain is hitting the roof, its time to curl up and read.

Be kind and read a book.

Weighing In

Over the last year I have been struggling with my weight. Thanks to the wonderful medicine I have been taking, which has greatly improved my life, I have gained weight. Gaining weight is easy, you don't even realize your doing it till your pants are just a little too tight and then you also see that you look like a sausage stuffed into a casing. Its bad all around. Once I was given the blessing of having time off, (a little bit of sarcasm is still left in me when I call it a blessing.) it gave me a chance to reassess where I am with my health. I am not a crazy crossfit person and will never be. (sorry to anyone who does it, but its just a little crazy.) I walk/jog on my treadmill, walk around the lake, do some weights and call it a day. I also decided that I am no longer going to be a slave to my scale. I have been working out five days a week, keeping track of what I eat, walking whenever I can, just to stay motivated/dedicated to my health. Once I stopped getting on that scale I was free. I stopped beating myself up over the fact that the number isn't changing. I know that transformation is happening. It is not going to be instant, and I have come to terms with that. I also have come to terms that I am not going to fit into a size 3 anymore. A size 8 is a happy place to be. For the first time I am pleased with the way I look. If Marilyn Monroe can look that great as a size 16, then hell I am going to put on my vintage swim suit, which came in the mail yesterday and lay out on my back deck and be content with me. The freedom I have from releasing myself from the scale has been liberating. No more weigh ins for me.

Be Kind today.

Simple Things

How do you take something so complex as lets say LIFE and make it as simple as possible. I will tell you how, you purge all the negative out of your life and surround yourself with people that are real. People that are negative are toxic to you and should be allowed to exit through the back door of your life. You don't need them, they only create chaos in your life. Everyone always says "well she/he is just a drama queen/king...they live to make life miserable." Hello, I don't want or need people like that in my life. I purged the day I was asked to resign from my teaching position.  I realized the people that said they cared and were pulling for me to get better weren't there when my professional career came to a grinding halt. I am not a problem that sweeps under the rug so easily...so lets just say I am still out in the open and making my voice heard about what was done to me. Anyway, back to my original thought...de-clutter your house, make a place that is peaceful and welcoming for you to block out all the negativity that is outside. Make your home your safe place. By taking all the clutter (people and things) out of your life that only make it more complex you cleanse yourself of bad karma. Karma is the idea that if you do good then good will fall upon you. So do good and surround yourself with people that do good. IF your "friends" are the cause of drama they aren't your friends!

Be kind, clean out a closet, purge your friend list if needs be, and surround yourself in the light.