Rocking the Boat

I have never been one to just sit back and let things happen without taking a long hard look at the situation to determine if its worth ROCKING THE BOAT. Now in the recent past I just let things go on as they were and didn't question anything. I knew what was going on was wrong but I went along with the program and said nothing. Its the safe way to go through life...just let the boat take you where it needs to go. Instead of standing up and saying "no wait the way your doing this is wrong and unethical, " most just say nothing. Well, be advised  I will as of almost three months ago, be STANDING and ROCKING THE BOAT till it TIPS OVER and people see how wrong they have been. There is no more just floating down the sea, I am the captain and this boat doesn't float. So I ask, is it better to be safe and not ROCK THE BOAT or is life more fulfilling if you TIP the BOAT just a little bit to make sure people are paying attention? Be kind today.

True Self

I was asked what is "my true self'" yesterday. I actually had to take a moment to decide on an answer. I couldn't come up with one. I am still racking my brain as to who or what my true self is. Is this something you discover once you reach a certain age, or complete a section of the life playbook a little earlier than your friends. If that is the case, nope haven't figured it out yet. I do know one thing, my true self is not someone I was in the past. You can't go backwards, only forwards. So this in essence means that my true self is in the future and I can totally take the time to find her and love her with all my heart. So think about it, have you discovered your true self and if so, is it someone you would want to be friends with?

Healing Story

I just finished a great book about a man who at the age of 13 became a paraplegic. The story goes on to tell the several different healing stories he has had throughout his life-through adulthood.  I started thinking about what would my healing story be? Would it be that I had to hit the bottom before I realized I needed help and couldn't do this without talking to someone and medication? Or would it be, that I finally decided that I am in control of this and am not going to let it destroy me to the point that people I love don't recognize me? Which will it be? Well, both actually, and many more to come. Just like in the book, I have multiple healing stories in my life. It doesn't have to be something grand.  IF you were hurt, physically or emotionally at anytime in your life, then there is a healing story to tell. So what is your healing story? No one suffers by themselves, trust me, there are people in your life that will be a part of the the story, you just have to open your eyes and see them standing in front of you.  Be kind to others and realize that they might be having a bad day because they are in the midst of their healing.

That's Not My Name....

Over the years people have butchered my name and apologized for getting it wrong. The biggest mistake is that people call me ANGIE, when my name is ANJAE... People think I am weird and spell it differently because I want to be fancy. Nope, not the case, its the name my father gave me. When I was younger I would get upset that people couldn't say my name but now its just comical. I am part of a group that meets twice a week, and for some reason one of the woman has decided that my name is Deidre. Not sure where she got that from, but I have yet to correct her, because she says my name in a whisper-which makes me feel that she knows that isn't my name and just doesn't want to be called out about getting it wrong. I kept laughing on the inside yesterday, because she said it several times and I wanted to sing this song to her :

"That's Not My Name"

Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and I
I keep stalling, keeping me together
People around gotta find something to say now

Holding back, everyday the same
Don't wanna be a loner
Listen to me, oh no
I never say anything at all
But with nothing to consider they forget my name (ame, ame, ame)

[Chorus:]
They call me 'hell'
They call me 'Stacey'
They call me 'her'
They call me 'Jane'
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
They call me 'quiet'
But I'm a riot
Mary-Jo-Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name

Now that would just be wrong of me right? Well, I know who I am and being called Deidre isn't the worst thing to be called. So, I let this one go and move on. But That's not my name...

Love-What is it good for?

I just read a quote from a page i follow on FB and it said, "love has nothing to do with the other person, its a gift we give ourselves." That is paraphrased but you get the idea. Does love have anything to do with the other person you love or is it really just a gift we give ourselves? I would agree with it. It is a gift and this doesn't mean you are being selfish, it means you are giving of yourself and that in essence is the true gift. When you become vulnerable and give of yourself, love can happen. When you open your heart to another you are getting the gift of love, the other person is doing the same. Its a mutual gift if you like. Each person gives of themselves and love can grow in a caring environment. When you are lucky to find it, it makes the world easier to go through. When I met my SO, it was like I had met my other half. I know its cliche, but its true. He is my penguin, which means he gets me for the rest of his life. He puts up with a lot and I am grateful for that. I get the best gift in the world by loving him, it makes me a better person. Be kind to others today, and love with all your heart.

Gracious Listening

I was listening to Speaking of Faith on NPR Sunday morning. I just love the host's voice-she is so calming. Anyhoo...she was talking to the creator of Story Corp-also on NPR on Fridays. Its short segments of people telling a story about their lives.  I felt that it was wonderful when they mentioned that its important to listen to what the person is saying and do it graciously. What does that mean?  It  means shut up and LISTEN to what they are really telling you. Its not about you and the list of things you have running in your head. Share in the moment this person is giving you about themselves and take it all in. When you are telling someone about yourself you are very vulnerable and that is a big deal to many people. You are giving up a piece of you to the person listening. So take the time to listen graciously and enjoy the time you have with that person. When I listen to stories on Story Corp, I am not going to lie- I have been in tears. I have given myself the permission to listen and listen with all my being. Open your ears, but more importantly open your heart to what others are saying when they speak! Be kind to others.

Finish Line

Sometimes it is hard to hear what loved ones are saying to you. It might come out wrong but their heart is in the right place. Sometimes being harsh is the only way we will listen to what they are actually saying to us. So  I heard it loud and clear yesterday. I don't want to be crippled with fear being around large groups of people, I don't want to be this person that would rather sit on the couch or be in bed. I have been making progress but its slow. I just finished my morning walk and it has given me clarity on the situation, its not good and I need to change it or it will cost me way more than my loved ones. I need to work harder at getting back to me. That means cutting the bullshit and getting down to business. NO more excuses, its time to get tough and prepare to take my life back even more than I already have. See the thing about drastic change when your not ready is that it takes a toll on  your ego and when the ego has been beaten up it can change you for the worse. When you think your doing good things, its because your ego is allowing you to think you are doing good, when in reality its pretty shitty. I am pushing my ego aside now and welcoming the inner strength I have been so desperately been grasping for over the last year and a half. Now is the time to work more on me and no one else's problems. Worrying about what people will say or how they will view me, well that moment passed yesterday for me. I have realized that this trip is going to be slow, but I am ready to take this walk and get to the finish line regardless of how long it takes me!

Hummingbirds

Every Spring I look forward to the hummingbirds that come to my yard. I find watching them to be so relaxing and entertaining. They are the ballerinas of the animal world. They are beautiful as they are fierce. Have you ever seen two hummingbirds fight for nectar. Its like UFC cage fighting. They are small but packed inside those tiny bodies there is a bigger soul. They fight for what they believe is theirs and don't take anything less than what they think they deserve. That is a good way to go through life. Fight for your own good and don't let anyone tell you CAN'T is the only option in a situation. I can relate to the hummingbird, I am tiny but inside me there is a strong soul. I am fierce and willing to fight for what is mine. I await the tiny soldiers return!

Sacrfice

recent events have caused me to no longer be in the classroom. Its been almost two months being away from my students. It was not my doing and its out of my hands. I have to step back and let it run its course-which if you know me you know that is hard to let the control go. I got two emails from students last night that put everything in perspective for me. They said they missed me and wanted me to come back soon. I could only say do good on your studies and I won't be coming back to school. :( This has hurt my heart in more than one way.
1. I miss my students and teaching.
2. I hate that the students were not taken into account when this decision was made.
IN other words I feel like the sacrificial lamb and it was suppose to be for the good of the many, but in reality it was for the good of only a few.
I am going back to school this fall to fall in love again with teaching, because to be honest everything that I have been through has made me lose faith in people that run schools and their overall reason for being there. I love teaching more than anything and I still call myself a teacher even though I am not in the classroom. I will continue my education for myself and my future students can benefit from what I learn.
I took several ethics classes in college and one question the professor always posed was "does the needs of a few outweigh the need of the many?" in this case NO. (in my mind at least)
On a positive note its a beautiful day and I am going to take advantage of it. Be kind and remember to smile when you see people on the street.

hurt and harm

There is a difference between being hurt and being harmed. I might get my feelings hurt if someone judges me for my imperfections without knowing who I am as a person. But I am not harmed by their ignorance.  Hurting someone deals with feelings and emotions and you can get over that, most people do. Harming someone is doing typically irreversible damage to the person's inner soul. Think about it. Your parents protect you from harm because they don't want you to suffer what ultimately can become physical pain. Getting hurt (emotionally) in the meantime is part of growing up. Parents try to protect their children from getting hurt too, but that is a part of being young and dumb. You do things that hurt sometimes but you get over them (like a bad haircut or the jerk who dumps you.)Choosing the right word can make all the difference, I am not harming you if I tell your choice in shoes with that outfit wasn't the greatest idea. You can forgive me and hurt my feelings later if you think my socks don't match one day. (they never do) I have harmed myself for well over a year not wanting to accept what was actually happening, I have hurt many people on my way, but I know that if they are truly meant to be in my life they will forgive and welcome me back in.  Choose your words wisely, because there is a huge difference between being hurt and harmed.

I suffer

I once again was watching TED TV and watched a brave young man talk about his battle with depression. He said four powerful words, "I suffer from depression." Why did I think this was brave, partly because so many people suffer from this in silence and I too SUFFER from depression. No this is not a tell all of my life, but it is time to stop being silent. More people do need to talk about it, me being one of them. I have never told anyone outside of my family and very very close friends what I have been struggling with over the last year and a half. I want to be as brave as this young man was for speaking to a crowd of people who might judge him. Like he said depression is not just being sad, it goes beyond that. I am not going to bore you with the DSM-V definition of depression, but I will tell you this, its crippling at times and impacts more than just the person who is suffering from the illness. I use the word illness because that is what it is. It can manifest itself into strange physical aliments, and only make the situation harder to deal with. Its an illness and a lot of people just view it as weakness, someone who can't deal with life. Its not like that, its like cancer. It can consume your entire being and take you out in one round; if not dealt with. A lot of people judge and say just relax and be happy. That is like telling an anorexic to eat and just gain weight, its not that easy. I think it is essential to the person dealing with this illness to actually say it out loud to start to come to terms with the diagnosis and start the process of healing. It has been therapeutic to write like this everyday. This being the hardest post I have ever written, mainly because you don't know how people are going to take it. Judge me however you see fit, but there is only one person whose judgment matters to me:myself.  Go  out and be kind to people, you never know what they are dealing with and your kindness could make a world of difference to them. So, there my brave moment is over just in the moment it took you to read this post!

The Best

It's Sunday morning and I normally don't write on the weekends, but I just finished watching an interview with Pharell Williams. They were discussing his success and he said something super profound. I am going to paraphrase: Its not just about you, when you start believing you are the best at something that is when you fail. It becomes just you and that is the most tragic of stories. Its like a kite with no air... its not just the kite that is flying it needs the air.
What would happen if we lived in a society that taught are children they weren't the best at everything? What would happen if we actually told our children that they need to strive to be good at many things, and not just the best at one thing? Would we have a society of truly grateful =happy people. I see so many people push their children to be the BEST at something and then when they fail it is a crushing blow. Teach your children that its ok to not be the best, but going back to being grateful...if they are grateful they will be happy. So if their painting doesn't turn out the BEST, or they are not 1st at a sporting event, its ok because its not just about them, its about the moment and the experience they are having. You will fail in life and that is ok. You will pick yourself back up and move on and do something else.
Basically, its about not being self absorbed and thinking its just about you...I know its cliche but there is not I in team. Have a peaceful rest of your weekend.

Strange Obsession

Since I have a lot of free time on my hands, the tv can suck me in at times. Today is one of those days. It's a lazy Friday morning and I am watching "My Strange Obsession." Right now, they are highlighting a retired couple that have the largest Cabbage Patch collection in the world. (over 5000) They take their first one with them everywhere and talk to him and have him talk to people as well. They might seem crazy, but the husband had a great point. "If I can talk as Kevin (doll's name) and have fun and get others to have fun with themselves, then it's been a good day." I think that is wonderful. When I am in the store, I sing and even sometimes dance to the music that is playing. (I learned this from my big sister) If I am having fun, then others might catch the bug. Is it really strange if you enjoy something? Or is it someone else's own uncomfortable feelings towards the situation that deems it "strange?"  I think its the latter. If you are happy, and remember being grateful creates happiness, then why is it ok for others to deem you strange or weird? I guess I have been considered odd all my life, but you know what I am having fun being me and that is all that matters. I am not going to lie, I think its a little funny that they walk around with a cabbage patch doll all day, but if I ever encounter someone who wants me to talk to their doll, you better believe I am going to talk to that doll. (of course in my best British accent ever!) Have fun today and be kind to others.

Stop, look and go be grateful

I watched a great 14 minute video last night on TED tv, and it was about being happy and what the key to being happy is. Now if you have never watched anything on TED, I encourage it greatly!  But back the main point, to be happy one must be grateful. Its about being in the now and experiencing the situation you are in at the moment and being grateful to have that moment and experience.  If you are grateful, then you are happy. Material things do not make you happy unless you are truly grateful to have them, because they can disappear just as fast as the moment you are in. You must be grateful in order to be happy. He continued to say we must learn to create a world that is grateful in order to have a happy world of people. If people stop looking for happiness rather than being grateful for what they have and are experiencing then the world would be a better place. I am learning to be grateful, so I am leaning to be happy. Its something that I think all of us can use a lesson in. If not just to improve upon but to learn gratefulness. I am grateful that I was able to watch that and now I understand that happiness does not come from the job I have, the title I hold, the things I have and want, but it comes simply by being grateful that my dog snuggles with me in the morning before I get up. That my parents support and love me through my tough times. That my SO has been there for me from the beginning of this crazy ride and has stuck by me. Those are things to be grateful for, and those are things that make me happy. What are you grateful for? Spreading this idea with people you love and care for. Have an attitude of GRATITUDE! And please remember to Stop, look, (be in the moment) and be grateful for the life you have. Be kind to others today.

Release

Yesterday I was told that I need to release the anger that I have dealing with a more recent event that has taken place in my life. I was told that it has to be a physical representation of the anger leaving me and the free space being filled with positive thoughts. So, today I will be burning a few items outside since its such a loverly day. I think burning these items that are representations of the anger I hold towards the situation will allow me to move on. I guess you could say I have been harboring a tad bit of anger towards it and its holding me in limbo in my quest to become the me I want to be.  With that I leave you with this thought, by holding onto the anger it only keeps you stagnant, you are not able to move forward and heal. I had the band-aid ripped off a month ago, now its time to put some topical cream on it and let it heal. It may leave a scar, but battle wounds are great stories to tell over beer!

The Mustn'ts

I had to memorize a poem for 6th grade science. (Ms. Vaughn was a little weird, I don't think Science was her thing, but there was a purpose behind it.) So I picked a poet that I have always loved. Shel Silverstein. You can interpret it anyway you like, but here's what I think it means. You can and should listen to all the people that tell you CAN'T do something, it only gives you fuel to light the fire within you. This poem I had to recite in front of the class. As a 6th grader this is terrifying, so I picked something that while I was saying it, it would grow with strength and impact. As you read this little poem it becomes bigger than the 8 lines its made up of. It grows with power and allows the reader to grasp something they may not have had before reading it. One of my former students who lives in Egypt did some sayings for me in Arabic and one of them was the "girl with the heart of a lion". She said the more you recite it the more meaning it has and strength builds for you to believe in the power of the words. I believe the same is true for these 8 lines. The more times you recite it to yourself the more power it has. Anything CAN happen, anything CAN be. So even back in 6th grade I was grabbing hold of my strength to get through having to stand in front of the class and say this. The last few days I was reciting this in my head and it made me smile, because I am in a place right now where I can listen to all the MUSTN'TS, the DON'TS, etc and let them get me down. I have decided that reciting this will grow with power and overshadow the negative and be the positive LIGHT I need in my life right now. So I thank Ms. Vaughn and her strange little assignment she had us do before we cut into Kermit. .  

LISTEN TO THE MUSTN'TS

Shel Silverstein

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS

      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS

The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S

      Listen to the NEVER HAVES

Then listen close to me-

      Anything can happen, child,

ANYTHING can be

Still

Yesterday we decided to work out in the yard and get the hummingbird and other bird feeders up. It was so nice to be outside. The weather was great. Once I was done planting and filling feeders, I started a fire in the pit and just sat down. Sat down out of tiredness but also because I just wanted to be still. I just wanted to be in the moment and smell the smoke from the fire pit, see the dog running around with a Frisbee on her face, and watch my SO take measurements of the porch, etc. I just wanted to be STILL. So i sat there for a good hour and realized I am going to have to do this more often. I didn't have to have a conversation, I didn't have to do anything I just had to sit there and be still. I told myself that everyday that its nice outside the dog and I will sit out there and just enjoy it. Today isn't going to happen, rainy and for some reason I am not feeling well.  But there is tomorrow....to just be still. Try it, you might like it.

Marshall Dillon

I get up super early and flipping through the channels I stopped on an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. I actually watched it, which I never do. But then it hit me, it reminds me of my Saturday mornings as a child. We would wake up and my father would be watching old cartoons. Then later that day I flipped on Andy Griffith, and even some Gunsmoke (Marshall Dillon is my favorite). I also will watch M.A.S.H. whenever I see its on. These are shows I watched with my father while I lived with him, when I was working and getting my Masters. I know I talk a lot about what my mother has taught me and is still imparting wisdom on me; but watching these shows with my dad over dinner in the kitchen gave me a glimpse into him. He likes things to be simple and funny. He will laugh his way through most situations and try to bug you to death with it. Since both of my parents are getting older I just sit and listen to them tell stories about what it was like when they were growing up, or when they were my age. My sisters always say, I didn't know that about them, and I simply reply: " Did you listen to them?" So in closing this is a post to my father who I am sure gave me the gene for sarcasm and wit and has taught me a lot while watching M.A.S.H., Andy and Barney, and my Marshall Dillon and Ms. Kitty. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy a good show and say nothing at all.

Rainy day

It's rainy and I just want to sleep all day. Well, that is what I did yesterday so I guess I had to be productive today :) Its rainy and most people don't like the rain and sound of a storm but I honestly love it. We have a sound machine in our bedroom and I fall asleep to the thunder storm but it somehow changes to white noise later on. (The dog does it!) I like the idea of rain and how it cleanses and refreshes the earth. I know my dogs love a fresh rain, their noses go crazy when I take them outside. Its like all the smells have been washed clean and they have a smorgasbord of new experiences to deal with. You know a dog is in dog heaven with their nose is twitching like Samantha from Bewitched. (Which reminds me I want to watch some reruns of that show- loved it.)  But back to the rain, It washes away the grit and grime of the day before and allows you to have a clean slate, "tabla Rosa" if you will. I like to think of these rainy days as refreshing and welcomed with open arms. Heck not only does it cleanse the earth it cleanses my soul of all the mean and bitter thoughts I had over that last few days and reminds me that out of such gloom comes beauty-in a few weeks we will have flowers and I will have a pure  heart. I get to wear my rain boots my dad bought me for Christmas, so I think I am going to put them on and go splash around in a few puddles. Might make a bit of a mess but I know the next rainy day will just wash it way for me.

6:48 am

It's 6:48 in the morning and I am up and moving. Honestly I am exhausted, and people don't seem to understand how that is possible when I go to be by 8:30 almost every night. Let me tell you a little secret...when you are used to a routine for three years and suddenly you are presented with a house that is empty, a dog and not much else to do but craft, read, exercise and clean; it can get a little exhausting. When your routine is interrupted and you are faced with what to do next. Slept in a few days and it didn't feel right, so I stick to this insane schedule to keep me from going crazy. I bounce back and forth between my craft room, (preparing for my first craft show), cleaning the house (which by the way is pretty darn clean), exercising (which I honestly just do it like a drone...but I do it.), and since I still have about 20 more hours to kill in the day I am catching up on my reading. I can't say I don't like this schedule, I just know that I haven't dated it long enough to know if its right for me. Maybe by our 2nd month-iversay I will have settled into my new routine and have grown to love it.

Purpose

I wrote in my journal the other night: PURPOSE. I have been asking myself what is my purpose in this life? Well, I can't tell you, and many people are in the same boat as I am. I know what I have a passion for and I know what I like doing for fun.  But could I tell you a  little secret; I don't know my purpose. I have over the years been so obsessed that my identity was tied to what I was DOING as my job. I am no longer teaching, but I AM still a TEACHER. I have a passion to teach and see the light bulb go on in students.  I plan on going back to school in the fall to get my PhD. in Education and I am ecstatic...but for different reasons that before when I let what I was doing be my identity. I am ecstatic because its a choice I made for myself and it will only make me a better person.  Who knows, maybe my purpose in this life is to go back to teaching high school, maybe I am more suited to teaching college level students that might actually get my sarcasm and laugh at my jokes, maybe...but whatever my purpose is I will be content with it. I have no other choice, you can't change the future you can only influence it by what you do each day. Maybe that just it, maybe we aren't supposed to go around trying to figure out our purpose we are just supposed to do what we love and share that with others. Maybe we aren't supposed to know what the purpose of our life is/was until the very end when its all over. Who knows, but I do know its going to be a beautiful day so the fuzz (the dog) and I are going to go for a quick walk to breath in some fresh air. Be kind and enjoy the day (and night too for that matter. )