Cutting People Out...

Over the last few weeks I have made a few adjustments in my life. The most important being getting rid of people in my life that I don't need anymore. I have cut my "friends" list on social media considerably. I have deleted numbers from my phone to the only the people that I communicate with on a regular basis.  I am just over pretending to be interested in people that are not interested in me. I don't consider myself the type of person that connects well with others...Ok, I have a horrible time making friends with people. I just don't ever seem to have anything in common with most people. I would rather surround myself with people that I can hold a conversation with than "pretend" to discuss mundane topics. I do fine in situations where I am with like minded people, like in class-I can talk to them with no problem. I have things to discuss with them. When I have nothing to talk about is when I get bored and anxious. These two feelings go together rather well if you ask me. I get bored if I have nothing to talk about with people and then i get anxious that I have nothing to talk about. Its a cycle. I am so tired of trying to "pretend" to be the better person. I don't want to be the better person, if you don't have time for me, I don't have time for you. I know it goes both ways, but it is easier for me to just walk away from people than try to make a connection that might not even be real. I don't like being fake to people, and can't stand fake people, so please pardon me if I ignore you, what you are saying and what is going on in your life, because I don't really give two craps. I am tried of trying to care about people that take no time to ask how I am doing and what is going on in my life. I get that people are all going through their own things in life, but if we were meant to truly be in each others lives we would be. Like my mother always says; "People are in your life for a reason and a season." A lot of people's reasons and seasons have ended and I am moving on. I am tired of trying to "keep up appearances." I am moving on for the betterment of my own health and stress level. I think it's safe to say, I am not really a people person. I am very introverted and only open up to a few people. I have seen how much people have stepped away from me over the last two years and it upsets me, but it opened my eyes to the fact that they were not meant to be in my life. Cutting people out of my life has been hard to do, but cathartic at the same time. I no longer have to feel guilty because I don't call this or that person, or I don't hang out with this or that person. Dealing with anxiety, you notice that if you cancel so many times on people they just stop asking. Well, then if that is the case, once again you were not meant to be in my life, and you don't understand truly what it is like for me. I am not making excuses from being absent in people's lives I am just telling it how it is. I live in a world that is very intimidating for me and some days are harder than others, if you understand that, great. If not then you have and will be cut.

Why I do what I do...

When I decided to become a teacher I never knew that I would love it as much as I do. I had an unfortunate event where I was only able to start my career as a teacher for three years almost two years ago.I loved working with students and getting to know them. The bureaucratic "SH$$" that teachers have to deal with now is ridiculous and unfortunate to say the least. I dealt with administration that were bosses, but not LEADERS. It's kind similar to "you can be a father/mother to someone, but that doesn't make you a PARENT."  As an educator who has been through the ringer and came out still wanting to be in this profession, that says a lot. I care about one thing-the STUDENTS, they are the life force behind what I do and will continue to do with my career path.

In the state I live in, the evaluation process is putting a lot of emphasis on student growth, and that makes sense, but the way the state is going about it by testing students to death. Teachers are worn out, stressed, and overworked, worried that if they are not able to show growth among their students, they move down the ladder. If you add it up, students in this state are subjected to about six weeks of state mandated testing! Think of all the instructional time lost because of this, plus add in PD, holidays, in-services that also take away from the face time you have with your students.  The evaluation process in this state is a great model. Danielson has been around for sometime and has come up with a great way to evaluate teachers in several domains. It is clear cut and not subjective at all, the administrator just has to record what they see and hear during the lesson and their walk through. But there seems to be a disconnect with some schools when it comes to this model. They want to make it "specific" to their school, which in my mind leaves room for subjectivity. Why recreate the wheel, when Danielson has already done it for you. It is fine to add to the evaluation expectations as a whole as long as the teachers are aware of what the administrator is looking for as evidence. The school I was at, to this point is basically trying to recreate the wheel, making it difficult for teachers to know what to expect. When asked questions about the process, the answer depends on which administrator you talk to. It should be consistent across the board. As an educator that is working on my Specialist in Curriculum Instruction and Design, I see many problems. (But that is a whole different rant, I will save for later.)

I have thrown myself into a Specialist in Curriculum Instruction and Design/Ed.d program over the last year and half because I see a need for me to advocate in the education profession. I want to help teachers and schools have a say in what is going on in their schools, regarding curriculum and the evaluation process. The state bought into PARRC as one of its tests to show student growth. This is a hot topic in most states that adopted it last year. For me, there is no need to subject students to another test that won't even be able to show student growth for at least several years, because there are so many problems with the test itself. Politicians need to stay out of education. They purchased this test before even knowing what the test would actually be able to show. There were no benchmarks set, so how can you show growth, when there is no goal for the student to reach? Do you see the frustration that comes with teaching? I know it is different for everyone that teaches, and varies from state to state, but I think we have lost the purpose of teaching. It is not to teach to a test, or just to prepare students for college. Not everyone is or will go to college for one reason or another. A test does not mean that as a teacher you have failed because your student did not score high enough. The test does not show that your student that came to you in August and had no interest in learning about the government and was failing your class by the first quarter, turned around and raised their test score to a C from a D. Those tests do not show that the student that has confidence issues, is now full of confidence because you told them they could do it. It boils down to the fact that these tests but all the accountability on the teachers and forces them to remove the most vital part of their job-getting to know their students and their strengths. If you are more focused on teaching to a test and you are worried about cramming information into their heads, you are missing out on the best part of teaching. I love getting to know what my students lives are like, I love seeing them outside of school, I love getting to know what they are passionate about. That is what drives me to continue to educating myself to better meet the needs of my future students and co-workers.

I did not get into this profession for money or the summers off, since you never really stop working even through the summer. I got into this profession because I am passionate about it and know that I can make a difference. I keep in contact with several of my former students through social media, and it is always nice to see how they are doing as they get older. Just last night I had one student, from my first year of teaching, send me a message thanking me for always believing in him. That is why I do what I do.

Be kind.

Football (Fantasy or Real)

Alright, it's football season now...what does that mean for me? Well, let's just say I am less than thrilled. My husband finally got me into baseball- that has been a three year struggle. I am able to identify players, I know what is going on in the game, I know what the numbers and last but not least I know what all the damn abrevations mean...well not all of them, but the ones that count. Over Labor Day weekend, my husband went to his Fantasy Football thingy. You know when a bunch of grown men get together and pick "teams" for the season. He has been trying to get to understand why they do this, but to no avail. I sat down and watched the games with him this weekend, and I was excited that he was excited that he was in the lead with his "team." I ask questions about the game and he is patient with me, but I just can't with football...There is something that is unappealing to me with this game. I don't understand why people want to watch a punch of men run into eachother for FUN!  Now, that being said, I do my best to be interesting in the things that my husband likes, but he needs to get on board with me-KNITTING and CROCHETING. IF I am going to sit and watch and learn about two different sports, he IS going to be knitting or crocheting before the end of the year. He doesn't know this yet, but it will happen. I have a Cubs jersey, sweatshirt, three hats, and two shirts. Football wise, I have two shirts- again, this is a slow going process to get me into this game. (I am trying I swear.)  So, I figure that if I am willing to give these sports a try and actually embrace one of them fully, I think that is a good thing. I would have never thought I would be able to tell you anything about baseball. But now the challenge is to figure out how to get into football. We shall see...how many games do I have left?

Be Kind.

Canada

Over the last few months I have been catching little bits of what the Republican candidates have been saying in the news. I AM SCARED!!! I am pretty liberal in my political views, as a teacher you have to curb a lot of your own views on topics, since I could get you in hot water if a student goes home and says..."Mrs. Hatley said this in class." I would rather present the facts, all sides of the argument and let them decide what they believe. But back to my thought, so I have been watching the train wreck that is the Republican candidates and again I AM SCARED. I am not just scared that one of these idiots will actually win, but I am scared that the American public is even entertaining these people as viable candidates.  Trump is a man-child that just resorts to name calling whenever he opens his mouth. The latest, he attacks the only female candidate's looks and basically said, "she isn't attractive, would you really vote for her." Way to be mature and talk about the issues. Women in politics tend to get bashed for their appearance, but trust me I am not voting for someone because I find them attractive, I am voting for them because I feel that they will make this country better.  Trump said on the air, "well, everyone talks about my hair." UM...no you are the only one that brings up your hair...I haven't heard anyone else say you have the worst combover in history! Why are so many Americans gravitating towards this man and other Republicans, I have a few ideas. (If any of this offends you, get over it, and be an adult-it's politics, it is what it is!)

1. Old white people don't and haven't like having a black President. (NOT ALL, I am sure.)
2. They just don't know any better and think that Trump and others are just a breath of fresh air and say it like it is...in other words they don't know the background of the issues and aren't bothering to do the research to see that most of what these people are saying is really really off base.
3. The candidates are feeding into their own deep seated beliefs about women, minorities, and other issues that Liberals defend as basic rights for all.
4. They want change, but do they really? I mean come on...electing one of these candidates (what is the number up to now? Last I checked it was at 17) means that we will just be going back to a pre-Obama Presidency and the country will revert back to the mess that Bush ended up leaving Obama with.
5. People don't know the facts, before you start saying this and that about how bad the country has been since Obama took office, remember what the man was left to clean up: a huge conflict with several Middle Eastern countries, nuclear arms issues with Iran that Cheney, couldn't even remember he screwed up while in office, an economy that was in the shitter and no support from a Republican Congress. He has had to fight for everything he has done for this country since day one. We even had Republicans openly commit treason against the President, but since the public doesn't really know or research what is going on nothing was done about it.

I have already declared that if one of these candidates is elected, I will be headed towards Canada...no really, I have discussed this with my husband and he is in agreement. I do not want to live in a country where a man like Trump can be elected and have the rest of the world laugh openly in our faces. They will take this country as a joke, we would have no leverage when it comes to world affairs, our economy would probably tank- you know the man filed for bankruptcy several times...too many things to mention.

I just ask, that people stop taking the words of any candidate at face value and investigate it. Don't go into that voting booth next November and just pick the name of a candidate that feeds the media frenzy. Think long and hard about your choice before making it, because once your vote is counted there is no turning back.

Be kind and do your research!!

Lotion

I am biracial- mom is black and my father is white. I am adult, for the most part, and have learned to embrace who I am on many levels. I learned in college that I have to explain certain things to my white friends and then in turn have to explain certain things to my black friends. It was as if I had a window into both worlds and knew the answers so I was the likely person to ask. Possibly, so that the person asking the question would not feel uncomfortable for asking the question, but like I have said before, being uncomfortable when talking/asking questions about another race is normal...deal with it. I  am married to a white man, he is wonderful. When I say that I am married to a white man, many people are confused, because I look white and they don't understand why I have to tell people I am married to a white man. Yes, I might look white, but I am blended. That means I am in a biracial relationship- that one day will result in the beautiful blend of a little one. (one day!)  But back to my main idea here... growing up with my father (white male) and my mother (black woman), a black sister and also an Asian sister as well, race was never discussed in my family. I thought everyone's family should look like mine. If I saw a family that was just ONE color I thought that was strange.  I grew up in a household that didn't ignore the differences we had between us, we just considered it normal to us. I digress...I often will stroke my husbands arm or hands while sitting on the couch in the evening and I wondered out loud of course, "Why is your skin so soft?" To that he replies, "I don't know, it just is." I then asked him if he used lotion after taking a shower and he looked at me like I had an extra head. He doesn't use lotion. WHAT??? This was mind blowing! In my world we use lotion after the shower, during the day, at night, you name it I am putting lotion on to keep my skin moist, or some might say from getting "ashy." I never thought about it till we had this discussion, I am not even sure if I ever saw my father put lotion on...well maybe he does- diabetes might be the only reason for that. I will have to ask next time I am home. This was the first time, I didn't know something about the "white" half of me...with that being said, I know now that the only time my husband puts lotion on is in the winter when his hands get dry and crack. Isn't that something?  My hands don't do that...but my elbows sure do need some lotion right now and my ankles so I am off to take care of that!

Be kind.

Scared Straight

This morning I have sat through two episodes of Scared Straight... I know what your thinking, "It's Sunday, you should be cleaning the house!" Don't worry I have already started cleaning. The tv is really just on for background noise. While working around the house, and listening to the crying of the young children and the screaming of the inmates... I started thinking about what my mother would do to me if I ever was in that position. Now here is the disclaimer: I would never have been in that position, I will get to the whys of that in a moment.

As a young child, I was a little devil. We had a neighbor that had flowers on the side of their house and I would pick them...isn't that what you are supposed to do with flowers? Well, back to the story, several times my parents would have to tell the angry neighbor that no more flowers would be picked, the lady was not nice about it, and demanded that my parents handle it. If you know my mother, she doesn't like to be told how to handle things, so let's just say she might have got an attitude with the lady and my father more than likely had to step in and be the voice of reason. I grew up in a generation that if you did something, guess what? YOU PAID THE PRICE! I am a product of child that got spanked. My dad had these leather house slippers that were so smooth on the bottom from being worn all the time that they were perfect for spanking. Or if you happened to be in the right place in the kitchen, the wooden spoon would find its way to your arm...my mom is a ninja and could get up on you in seconds if she had to. My parents were not my friends growing up. I knew this, even through college they were not my friends. That is how I was raised, they were my parents and they were in charge. Today, especially being a teacher, I noticed the dynamic between parents and the children I was teaching, the parents were trying to be FRIENDS with their children. Sorry, but that is not how I grew up. Now today, I can joke around with my parents, but you know what, they are still just my parents, I still defer to them if they tell me to do something. My mother can still come at me with her hand and I do cringe- I am 33 and yes, I am still afraid of my momma and her wooden spoon. My father and I joke around but I still respect him as my father, I have a hard time drinking around my father, that is how much I still think I am his little girl.

Reason I would never have to go through a Scared Straight program...my mother scares the HELL out of me! That's it, simple as that. My mother is a beast and can take me down with just a look. She doesn't have to say anything to me, just a look says it all. I love my mother and respect her like no other, but I have learned that if I do something, even to this day, I will get a "come to Jesus talk." the next time I see or talk to her.

Being a military child I learned quickly to follow the rules, and if you didn't follow the rules there would consequences. My parents always said that "they didn't want us to ever have them go to the school." They meant that. My parents never did parent teacher conferences, never went to parent nights, etc. It was in the best interest of everyone if my parents didn't have to go to the school.  That was enough to keep us in line. I never had think about "well I think I can get away with this..." Nope not going to chance it. My parents WILL find out. Being the youngest of four girls I learned from my older sisters what not to do. My parents ALWAYS found out. It was best just to do as you were told and move along. While teaching I would have students say, "go ahead and call home, they aren't going to do anything." WHAT??? This statement is crazy, my parents would have knocked me out if they got a call from the school. I remember my father having to write a letter to the high school principle for some reason when my older sister was in school... let's just say the situation was taken care of and the principle knew that he didn't really want to mess with my father. (As one of my mom's former students likes to say, my father might or might not have been in the CIA-so he is someone not to mess with.) Life with my parents is fun, they keep me on my toes.

I was scared straight by my parents they could be a great program for troubled youth!

Be kind today.

Ain't Got No...

This by far is one of my favorite Nina Simone songs.(Originally written during the Civil Rights Movement, but it resonates to my core not only for the rights of minorities, but as a woman/person suffering with inner doubt.)  She boldly states what she doesn't have but in the end states louder:

I 've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got the life

I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life

We so often talk about the things we don't have but rarely discuss the things we have and are grateful for. I have learned the hard way that one must stop and "actually smell the roses." No really stop and smell the damn flowers and take in all that this world has to offer you.  I tend to close myself off from people and not reaching out when I need help with things. I am the person that likes to do things for themselves and don't even try to ask if you can help... I will eat you alive, even if I am drowning in my own sweat. What do I not have in my life right now? I don't have a job, a job that I love doing-teaching. I love it more than just a job, it is my calling. I would love to say I had a great first week with new students and enjoyed decorating my classroom, but I can't do that now. I was sad, frustrated, irritated, etc. seeing people talk about their first day back in the classroom, but I got over it. It's not my time to be there yet...there is a plan in place and I am just following it to the end. I am staying positive and not regretting my decisions, even though I do ruminate on them now and again. So that is one thing that I don't have in my life, but what do I have? I have LIFE....simply stated like Simone sings, " I've got life, I've got freedom." Why does this song dig deep into my soul? It reminds me that I have something to live for. I woke up this morning with breath in my lungs, a body that supports my everyday challenge not to kill myself while working out, a husband that loves me and cares for me unconditionally, a family that supports- those are the things I've got. I have so much to be thankful for, I just have to look around. You tend to miss the things that are most important to you, because you are so used to them being there. People like to accumulate THINGS...well I have been purging my life of things. I don't even remember the last time I stepped into a store other than to buy food. I have been purging my life of people that don't understand me (totally sarcastic and can be off putting to many-thanks to my resting bitchy face) I swear I am a pleasant person. In the last year I have learned that THINGS don't matter, my LIFE matters and that is what I take from this song. It breaths new life into me when I hear it and grounds me. So the next time you start talking about the things you DON'T have, think about the wonderful LIFE you do have, you just have to open your eyes to see.



Entire Song Lyrics:

I ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no bed
Ain't got no mind

Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God

And what have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got
Nobody can take away?

Got my hair, got my head
Got my brains, got my ears
Got my eyes, got my nose
Got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, got my chin
Got my neck, got my boobs
Got my heart, got my soul
Got my back, I got my sex

I got my arms, got my hands
Got my fingers, got my legs
Got my feet, got my toes
Got my liver, got my blood

I've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got the life

I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life

Keeping it Classy!

Growing up my mother never taught me how to apply make-up. Today, I only were Chapstick, mascara and eyeliner. That's it. It was not something I every really wanted to know how to do. My mother doesn't wear much make-up either, so that might be the reason, all of girls don't wear much. That is a good thing: for one our significant other will never sue us for misrepresentation (recent news article I read- the wife looked completely different without makeup on.) No really look it up its a real story. Secondly, this to me doesn't make me more or less of a "lady" I actually hate that term, lady. It is so old fashioned and makes me feel like I have to act a certain way. I drink beer, sit with my legs sprawled open, I curse like a sailor, and I would be the first to say that I am a sarcastic beast around everyone. My mother never told us to "act like ladies." She would and still says "keep it classy." which for me is better than "act like a lady." I can keep it classy while cursing someone out for being a dumb-ass- I just enunciate my curse words so that there is no confusion of what the meaning of my words mean to the recipient.  (My momma taught me well.) And what does it mean to act like a "lady?" IN my world it means whatever in the hell you want it to mean  Isn't it just an issue of teaching your children to behave with manners? IN my world, that makes sense.  My mother says you can "keep it classy, but always yell PIMP DOWN!" if you have to. I come from a long line of women that didn't take crap from anyone. My mother likes to tell me stories of the women in our family and trust me, I wouldn't want to ever have been on their wrong side. My grandmother and according to my mother, my great-grand mother were sweet women, but could take care of business if they had to. They kept if classy but would probably cut you if they had to. I can handle my own if I have to, there is a lot of Mamie Davis blood in these veins and it might surprise people if they step on the wrong side of me. My momma likes to warn us girls when we are going to get it... it might not be today, a week from today, or even this year, just know that she will be lurking around the corner with a wooden spoon (her weapon of choice) and pop you in the face when its time. All the while keeping it classy and never messing up her manicure or breaking a sweat.

love you momma.

Fixation

With me its not about just being able to turn my brain off and not think about things. It is more about walking away completely from a situation that I find frustrating. Last year I was forced to walk away from a situation that was itself frustrating, but I was willing to work through it. Typically when things frustrate me I fixate on them until I am able to mentally get over it. I have a tendency to think about all possible outcomes of things and not stop until it is completed. I am sure many people fixate on certain things in their life, but with me it might be a little different than just thinking about something for a few hours and it being done. I have spent an entire week focused on the fact that my computer isn't working. (Windows 10 is the devil-do not upgrade!) It has drained me of wanting to do anything other than fix the problem. I have spent hours thinking of things I can try to fix the problem. I haven't left the house all week-mainly because the part about fixating on this issue has crippled my mind. I can't get anything done because of it. I can't work on my lesson plans for my shop, I can't crochet, knit or even sew because I am stuck on this one thing. It has taken over my head and I can't get rid of it. I can't just walk away from it- it is in there and not going anywhere till the problem is fixed. Thank god for my husband, he finally just took the damn thing away from me and said " I will fix it." I still couldn't let it rest. This then becomes an issue of trust. Yes, I trust that he will fix the problem. Yes. I trust that he will fix the problem. See I had to say it twice to really make my mind believe it. I had to physically be removed from the situation in order to not fixate on it. Is this how my life is going to be? Possibly if I let it. Am I going to have to just train myself to walk away from things that frustrate me? Possibly. But here's the kicker, life frustrates me, people frustrate me...almost everything in this world frustrates me. So how do I deal with that? I am not sure yet. I am working on finding a way to just let things go, even though I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much the situation, person or whatever FRUSTRATES me to no end. I am trying to find the balance between slightly irritated and benignly obliviously ignorant to the stupidity around me. The old saying "ignorance is bliss." this might play well for me. Maybe if I pretend that the people and things around me that I have absolutely no control over aren't there, then my bliss will come to me. I will not become ignorant to what is happening in the world, I will just choose to not let it frustrate me and fixate on it. I will walk away. I will choose to walk away and not be apart of the things that frustrate me. That will be a challenge because like I said above there isn't much that doesn't frustrate me.  (dogs, cats, certain and only a handful of people, school and that's about it)  So my fixation is merely a deep frustration of things I dislike- lack of control over the universe and how things stack up for me. I have control over myself and going to school. That is about it. I know I can control how I do in my classes, I know I have control of what I do or don't do during the day. But everything else- nope no control over any of it. Because of my week long fixation, I did notice that my anger level was about a 8.5 out of 10- I feel bad for the customer service guy that had to deal with me.  (sorry mediacom guy, you didn't really deserve the things I said to you- well ok you kind of did, but I could have said it in a nicer tone.)

Have a wonderful weekend.

Learning from Harry Potter

I am a little behind the times. I only recently in the past few months started reading Harry Potter. I am on the third book and everyone tells me that I will truly fall in love with the series after reading this book. I had to take a small break from reading this summer due to a exam I had to study for. But I am resuming my adventure this week. So far I have learned a lot that can be applied to everyday life. 

1. You may not be able to see something that is right in front of you. (you know the part where Harry doesn't see the platform he is supposed to be on at the train station.) But you should still keep looking no matter what!

2. Befriend the maintenance person/people where ever you are. Harry had it right getting to know the grounds keeper. You will need something done in the future and it is good to know them personally to get it done faster. 

3. Surround yourself with people you can trust. Harry has two awesome sidekicks, you should have at least two people to call in case of emergency. More is good, but two works.

4. Everyone loves getting mail. Harry was getting mail, but his uncle kept trying to keep it from him, well the post office doesn't give up that easily. IF someone sends you mail, read it and write them back!

5. There is always one teacher that you just can't stand. Ok, there might be more, but at least one. I find that this is true even as a pre-doctoral student...it continues no matter how old you are.

6. Sometimes you wish you were invisible. That cloak would rock!!

7. Speaking in tongues can be acceptable in the right situation...Harry can speak snake, pretty cool. That could come in handy when dealing with forked- tongue humans.

8. Being awkward is a part of life and you just have to deal with it. I am awkward still at 33 and I am perfectly ok with it. 

Be kind.

I don't see COLOR...

" I don't see color, I treat everyone the same." How many times have you heard that before? I have heard in my personal life and in my professional life. The problem is with that statement, unless you are blind you do see color and you treat people differently because you can see the color of their skin.  With the recent death of a young black woman and the issues with the police saying it was a suicide while in the jail, and new evidence coming forth about what actually happened at the traffic stop I have to wonder will this get any better?  Now, I know what your thinking, I am eluding to the point "every white person is racist." Actually, nope wasn't even going there. There are racist people of all colors, creeds, etc. While posting a video of the dash-cam of the arrest of this young woman, I looked at the comments made by two people from a friends post. One said something about "well if she would have complied." "complacence is key." Yes, as young children you are taught to always do as the police tell you to do. Well, as young white children you are told this, you are not told that you have to identify that compliance with words, so they don't misunderstand what you are saying or doing. When you are the child of a minority( not just blacks) that has historically been the prey of whites, the butt end of racist jokes, the reason you get followed around a store more often than you'd like, then you are taught to do as you are told by the police, but you have to let them know you are  following directions with your words. In almost all of the videos that have made it to social media- the person being arrested has said in one way or another..." I am not resisting, I am doing what you ask..." The video I shared this morning shows a traffic stop, where the young woman does talk back to the officer, but does that mean she wasn't doing what he asked, by all means she was doing exactly what she was told to do. She did it with an attitude, but who wouldn't question the actions of the officer acting like this over a failure to signal? She had been out spoken about police brutality and now it was happening to her. She was no the victim of something that should have never happened.

But let's go back to that comment, "compliance is key." Well, sir she was complying and she still ended up dead in a jail cell. She complied like the others and still became a victim. I am not saying that only black lives matter, but they do. I am a biracial woman that sees first hand the problem with our society. I see both sides. I see the white privilege that is visible-I see it because my skin is light. Don't try to tell me it's not there. I see the racism in this country, in the city I live in, in the stores I walk through with my mother, a black woman, I hear it in the stories of my mother visiting southern states where the waiter "didn't see them." I see it in these videos of men and women doing as they are told by the people in place to protect society, but yet they still end up victims. When people say they don't see color, it's a lie. I see color everyday of my life and always have. I have the chance to see it from two perspectives but I see it. If you don't see color, well then you are part of the problem. The young man that went into a church and killed several members saw color and he saw it plain as day. He knew what color of people he didn't like and made a point to kill them. The media keeps asking how is this possible that a 'Millennial" can be racist, as if this generation of children are not supposed to see color and be racist. It's simple they DO see color, you just weren't aware of it and it never came up in conversation. Conversations about race, make the majority uneasy. While conversations of race by a minority group becomes heated- in part, because race affects them. Being a different race, religion, sexual orientation or any other marginalized group of people- hatred matters to them because it is apart of their lives.

Let me end this with a  few statements of perfection: I hope that one day we don't have to have these conversations about hatred, that one day my older sisters will not have to fear for their sons lives when they get older, I hope that one day when I have children they grow up in a world that SEES COLOR and that generation is open and honest about it. I hope that everyone is kind.

Be kind today.

.Sampson and Delilah

When I first brought Delilah home to be a companion for my other beagle, Sampson, I had no idea what I was getting into. Sampson suffers from epilepsy and I thought having a friend around during the day would keep him calm and help to prevent seizures. She would sit and Sampson would just lick and clean her ears. (Something he does now to Ali his new sister.) Lilah taught Sampson how to howl...before I got her, Sampson was a mute beagle. He had never heard another dog bark before so he had no reason to do so. In many ways Lilah and Sampson were meant for each other. They would run around the house and just sit curled up on the bench in the window and watch for their humans. Sampson chose me as his human and to this day he is my little baby. Lilah on the other hand chose my father as her human. She would sit right outside his bedroom door and just watch him doing things around the house. She was a pretty smart dog, that spot allowed her to see everything that was going on in the house without actually getting up. Sampson would sit there with her sometimes and they would cuddle. When Sampson would have a seizure, Lilah would lay next to him and wait patiently for it to be over. She would then stick by his side for the rest of the day. Lilah was my baby girl. She was a handful but I loved every bit of that dog.

When Lilah started to grow a tumor on her throat, Sampson started to clean her ears more and more. He would sleep with her and make sure she was ok. When it came time to say goodbye to her and send her to doggie heaven, I wasn't able to be there. I look back on it and wish I had spent more time with her and Sampson. (I still wish I could have both of my beagles with me now) I had just started my second year of teaching and was headed out of town for a field trip. My twin went to the house to see the dogs on a Thursday, and everything seemed fine. She said they were playing and Lilah seemed ok. When my father got home, he noticed that her breathing was getting really bad. The tumor was slowly blocking her airway (it was inoperable)  I always tell myself that once she saw my twin, she thought "ok, my mommy got to see me one more time, so its ok for me to go now." She passed away that night. This March marked the fourth year I haven't had that crazy lovable dog in my life. Once my dad came home without Lilah, Sampson knew something was wrong. He became very destructive and in my eyes he was depressed and missed his sister. It wasn't till about six months later, I finally agreed that he needed another beagle in his life. Though Ali will never replace Lilah, she has a great way of reminding me that Lilah is still around. Ali has some of Lilah's characteristics and she and Sampson love each other. So in honor of my little baby girl... here is a story my dad sent me in an email a long time ago:

Last weekend, I cleaned my bathroom as usual and placed everything
on the step of the bathtub, as usual while the vanity dries.  Later, I
hear some chewing and it doesn't sound like the normal bone chewing.
I go to the source and there's Miss Lilah in her dinning room nest
with my tooth brush in her paws like an ice cream cone chewing away;
before I get to her I come across the tooth paste with 2-3 inches
squirted onto the rug--the brush still works, just had to change the
brush head--but it is scarred.  One would think I would return
everything to the vanity, but I didn't--heard more chewing of plastic
later and found Miss Lilah in her nest with my deodorant in her paws.
 She and/or Samson continue to attack the dried weed arrangements...a
couple of weeks ago, I vacuumed, put the vacuum in the closet and went
about my business.  Next day my child tells me she found Samson and
Lilah in her bed with the hose attachments to the hand held
vacuum--you got to close the closet all the way.  If Samson can get
his beagle nose and sometimes a paw between or under something, he'll
get in it.  Can't get angry with them, 'cause it's sometimes my fault.

Be kind today

Please stop saying these things...

I have anxiety, I am introverted when around people and in situations I am not comfortable with and I really wish people would stop saying these few things to me. (Or anyone who suffers from anxiety/panic attacks.)

1. "It's all in your head." -Well, yes it is all in our head, but you will never understand what it like to want to do something but your brain is yelling "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" You will never understand that you just can't switch it off like a light switch... it doesn't work like that. It is in our head, but our heads are complicated and wired differently.
2. "Just work through it/push through it".- Yes, in a perfect world that would be great and if that were that easy, NO ONE WOULD HAVE ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACKS. Sometimes even after exhausting all the techniques your therapist has taught you, it is still not possible to just get through it and push on. Your brain is still telling you to "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" there is nothing you can do.
3."You are letting this win."- Yeah I might be letting it win, because once again, unless you have had a severe anxiety/panic attack you have no idea what the person is going through. Its like having a 2 ton elephant sitting on your chest and you can't breath, let alone think straight. Sometimes, again even after doing all the relaxation techniques, the anxiety and panic wins. For some it wins more than others. I have been fortunate that my anxiety hasn't won too much in the last few months, but today it did. It won, and my brain and body are beat up over it. I don't want to feel like I hit a brick wall and can't break through, but today I did and that is that.
4.   "Relax and breath." This by far is something that no one having an anxiety/panic attack ever wants to hear come out of the mouth of anyone. If I could relax, I wouldn't be having the attack. If I could regulate my breathing, don't you think I would? Don't tell someone to relax when they obviously are in distress and are not feeling well, that only makes it worse. When I am in the middle of an attack this is by far the worse thing someone can tell me do.

It's all about being able to trick your mind into doing what you ultimately don't want to do. Sometimes you are able to do it without even thinking about it, and then other days there is nothing you can do. I would say that for most people that suffer from this, it is a constant, day to day battle. If you have never experienced it before it's easy for you to say all four of the things above and try to put yourself in the person's shoes. Trust me you don't want to be in my shoes when I am having an attack! I don't want to be in my own shoes to be honest. How do you convey the feeling of an attack: well let me try...IT SUCKS, IT IS EXHAUSTING, IT HURTS YOUR BRAIN, IT HURTS YOUR BODY, IT JUST HURTS. You are constantly questioning your actions to see if what you are feeling is rational, and for me, I know that what I am feeling isn't rational. So you might be wondering, if I know what is causing the anxiety and panic is not rational-Why then am I having an attack? Well, if I was able to answer that question, again I would probably have made vast advancements in mental health. So to sum it all up...just be patient with the person and know that they will work through it in  their own way and eventually they will figure out for themselves what works and what doesn't. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy- so just be understanding and please take these phrases from your stock set of things to say. They don't help, they only compound the issue and make the person feel even worse. It makes them feel like less of a person because they can't stop feeling they way they do faster to make the situation better for not only themselves, but you as well. ( I tend to worry more if I see that my loved ones are concerned for me while I am having an attack. It just makes it worse.) Let me work through it and I promise that it will pass-just in my own time.

A Rose like no other...

Ok, so I am sure many of you have binged on OITNB's third season and love it. I myself loved it as well. I particularly feel in love with Stella's character. Wow, Ruby Rose is amazing to look at and she isn't bad to listen to either. She has been compared to dare I say it "Justin Beiber" yuck...sorry ladies she is much better looking than the JB. Now that my new girl crush has been announced...I am not lesbian. I am human and any human with a pulse can tell that this woman, who identifies as gender neutral, but uses "she" pronouns is one handsome and gorgeous human being to look at! I guess you can say that if one is able to comfortably state that someone of the same sex is attractive then you are comfortable in who you are. Why does it make people uncomfortable to say that another woman is attractive when hello, this woman is stunning??!! If you find someone attractive it shouldn't matter what sex they are-aren't we all human? This brings me to the idea of gender neutrality...does it really exist? Well, I think it does. I think a person can identify with neither male or female. Just like I think a young man can identify as a woman from an early age. I personally identify as a woman, that happens to find both men and women attractive. I have told my husband of my female crushes and my male crushes as he has also disclaimed to me his. (And yes if either of us ever gets the chance we have promised that it would be perfectly ok to go for it. ) :) I don't care if you like men or women, or what you identify as or don't, just as long as you are a good person. That is what it boils down to...are you a good person.  I of course with my new crush been reading up on the good work Ms. Rose does and has done and yes she is a good person. Just one more reason to crush on her even more.  :)

Have a great day with whomever you choose to love! Love is love and a crush is merely a crush...enjoy them both.

Be Kind today

Gifts from my father

In honor of the man that gave me 23 of his chromosomes, I wanted to  tell you about a few things that my father has given be besides life.
1. Sarcasm: I rely on this to get by in a world that is so harsh and often hard to handle on a daily basis. He is by far the most sarcastic person I know and I thank him for passing that on to me, so that I can get a little chuckle from life, when I see a look of confusion on a persons face just after saying something sarcastic. I was told by my dept. chair that I was too sarcastic, and I apologized for it.  I do not feel that I need to walk around with a sign telling people I am being sarcastic towards them. I will never apologize for it ever again!
2. Cough: My father has had this cough since I could remember. I have had this wonderful hacking cough for about five years now. It comes and goes and is just a simple reminder that he gave me his genetic makeup for this cough. Thank you father. I appreciate sounding like an 80 year old man in the mornings. (YES, that is sarcasm!)
3. Strength: I talk about how my mother gives me strength on a regular basis, but over the last year, when it seemed my world was coming to an end, my father simply was there. He would walk me through everything step by step for what I needed to accomplish to get things done. He knows his stuff and I take what he says to heart and follow his instructions to a T. He said once to me over this last year, " I just want you to be happy." That is something I have worked hard for over the last year and hearing him say that helped me realize that he is concerned about me.
4. Silence: My father is a man of few words. No really, he talks all day at work and when he comes home he talks to the dogs and that is about it. When I stay over and get up in the mornings, he tells me to stop talking. I normally don't talk a lot. When I was teaching I was the same way. I would do all my talking for eight hours of the day and when I would get home I did not have much left to say. I would wake up in the mornings and not really talk at all. Since I haven't been teaching, and while my husband was at work, I would have a lot of things to say but no one to tell them to. I find that I have more to say now to people than ever before. But back to this silence thing...I like not talking just like my father. I am content with saying nothing. Some people find that to be passive, but I have learned that you can say so much by being silent. I would rather say nothing than speak meaningless words.
5. Smarts: I am a nerd and I get this from my father. He has two Master's and continually takes classes or teaches classes. I will be the same way. I am working on another degree working my way up towards my Ed.d I get my love of learning from him. When he got me a subscription to the Smithsonian, I was elated. Right now, I have been almost six months without my subscription due to the incompetence of the magazine people and its killing me. My father likes to point out that he has already completed the current month's magazine and that I can not remove them from his house. I steal them if I get the chance.   He instilled in my that "school is your job." I feel that my mother being a teacher and that constant reminder that school is my job, allowed the profession of teaching to pick me.

I could go on and on about my father. He is a funny and I love it when he sends me texts about the crime scene investigations about the things the beagles have eaten or destroyed for that day. He can make me laugh and I know he would do anything for me.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Father's Day.
Be Kind.

Blood Pressure

My mother has been dealing with her blood pressure spiking over the last few weeks. I talk to my mother almost everyday, and no I am not the reason for the spikes! Well, maybe just a little bit. But I will get to the point. When she told me that she might have to go to the ER, I was on top of it. I was ready to drive the two hours to her to make sure she was ok, even though my father is only 20 minutes from her. She told me she was doing fine and that she was seeing the doctor in the morning...again I said I would come early and take her. I didn't want her to get light headed and have to drive. What kind of daughter would I be? Anyhoo, she sends a text msg to all us girls in the morning saying that everything is ok and she see the doctor again later this month. Now let me say, that the night before I talked to my father and told him that he needed to be "on call" just in case she needed him. Of course, in my great Nurse Ratchet fashion my mother already told him that I was possibly over reacting to the situation. Thanks mother! She also put me on a NO CALL mandate till the next day, because she wanted to rest. How am I supposed to check on you if you won't let me call you? She lifted that after only a few hours and I called her that night. My father is as my mother puts it "emotionally removed" from many situations, and that is where I get it from. He tries to be caring and understanding but in true CIA fashion he shows little to NO emotion to the events that are taking place. When I was in the ER awhile back...yep, you guessed it, very little emotion, he just was there to tell me to stop cursing and in his own way that was him telling me he cared. But I digress...my middle sister, texted to my mother: Stay healthy, I am not ready for all of this yet! And in that statement, I felt the same way... I am not ready for all of this "parents getting older" thing. I worry about my father and his diabetes and I check on him weekly to make sure the beagles haven't eaten him. I check on my mother to make sure she hasn't slipped down the stairs or fallen out of the bed... yes mother I still remember you getting your foot caught in the sheet and you falling into the closet in your bedroom! (too much blueberry wine will do that to you.) Whenever I see my parents I remind them that they have to live 80 more years... I am not joking. They have to live as long as me. Since I plan on living till about 100 or so they have to stick around till then. My father laughs and says you are one day closer to death everyday, and the thought of that makes me cringe. But he is right, you are closer each day. You never know what is going to happen. I know that one day I will have to see my parents in a hospital. I will have to see them suffer. These are hard things to think about, let alone type right now. I don't want to ever see them like that, but that is what happens when you get older. It's the circle of life (not to rip Disney off) but its true. They care for you as children and once they can no longer care for themsleves you do it for them. It's hard to digest, but I don't have to worry about it for at least another 80 years, so I am good.

High School

After 15 years of being out of high school one thing is clear.... my friends have not given up on me.  There have been new additions to their families, anniversaries of marriages, etc. I have been playing checkup to a lot of that. I have just in the last few months gotten married to my best friend and supporter and talk of a little mini us is in the works. I have been focused on getting my life in order in terms of my career and relationships and that has been a long road for me. My husband has been there for the good, the bad and the oh so ugly and I appreciate him more than anything in the world for being my rock. He has constantly reminded me that I can not push people away that truly care about me. My family is a given, they will always be there for me... remember I told my parents they have to live for another 80 years! He will be with me no matter what and again I thank him constantly for that. But back to my original thought... those girls that are now mommies to little ones have always also supported me through these last 15 years. We have grown up together and we have transformed into strong, beautiful women. I know that when my issues are hard to handle for myself, it effects how I interact with the people around me. I have essentially come clean about my distance with my two closest friends about my reason for being absent in their lives...I am scared that I am not the same person I was last time we saw each other. I am scared that our lives are different and I won't be able to relate to what is going on in their lives. But then it dawned on me...of course I am not the same person. I will not be able to relate to motherhood, because it hasn't happened to me yet, but I can still relate to being the same friend I have been for 15 years to them. They can still relate to me as well. They know my struggles and they accept me. I love that I am able to tell them what is going on with me and they do not judge, they just say to me..."i understand." and "we can make it work." That is all I need to know that we are in essence the same as we were when we were younger. We worked through things when we were younger and we will work through things now. I wish I lived closer so that I could see them more often. We have to plan way in advance to meet up, and I have to remember they have little ones that might have to come along for the ride...which is fine, I can get some practice in for when I become a mommy.  I know that I have changed for the better and am in a better place then I was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I work through them and know that no matter what the girl that has a beautiful voice, that I never heard sing till the day of our friends wedding and the other girl that walked onto the field with me before the buzzer at our first band competition are still going to be there for me no matter what. I love looking back on those funny moments and know that even though we are no longer in high school, I still have those two ladies to call my friends!

Be kind today.

Teachers deserve respect

When I was growing up, you never wanted the teacher to call home or send a note. My parents view on teachers was this: you listen to what they say- even if they were wrong in the information they were telling you, keep your mouth shut. They also felt that if the teacher said we did something wrong, they didn't blame the teacher- they beat our ass and told us that we better start acting like we have some sense.  That is the problem with today's children. (again this is based on dealing with and observing behaviors of children- I do not have children, so I am only speaking from what I know.) Parents want to be friends with their children or they teach them that challenging everything that an ADULT says to them is ok. NO, it's not ok. My parents are not my friends. I still can't curse around them and get nervous ordering drinks around them till this day. They will always be more adult than me no matter what my age is. I know that if someone older than me tells me something I better listen. I learned at an early age you don't talk back to adults-now of course if an adult is doing something of an abusive nature, by all means YELL at the top of your lungs and tell somebody. As a teacher I do not mind a student asking questions, but when they are trying to make you look stupid intentionally because they think its funny and they think they know more than you, HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT! If a teach says something that is incorrect there is a way to tell them or ask questions so that it can be a learning moment for everyone. There have been times when I was wrong, standing in front of my class, and a student was question me in a respectful manner. I would say simply, "we can check on that..." If I was wrong then that was ok, but when you get students that are smug and arrogant about things like that and you bring it to their parent's attention- they blame you! Did you ever think that your child might be the problem? Did you ever think that your child might have been the one that was disrespectful in the situation. My mother would tell it like it is to her students and the parents. Unfortunately, in the public school system these days, teachers get all the blame. Teachers deserve respect from the students and their parents. There is the sense of privlege that some students have becuase they have the right family name, their parent works at the school. or on the school board, or they are institutions in the community...that still does not give your child the right to talk to a teacher like they are adults. Here is what it comes down to, if a child talks to a teacher/adult in a manner that is disrespectful, that means that you as parents allow them to talk to you that way...teach your children some respect.Like my parents said,"if you aren't going to respect me, how the hell are you going to respect anyone else?"

Be kind to the people that educate your children...and teach your children to respect them and any adult!

Dedication

I am trying to find the dedication that is needed to workout and actually enjoy it. I have spent money on videos, have a treadmill in my living room, but yet there is not dedication to one thing that will help me get back to the me I was before I moved to Carbondale. Ok, I am not going to be a size 4 again, but maybe smaller than what I am now. There are so many movements for self love and accepting what body you have, and I have come to accept that I will not be a size 4 ever again in my life, but come on throw me a bone! My medication has the side effect of weight gain, so of course that is the side effect that I get...I guess I could have it worse-other side effects include death.  But I lack the drive needed to make the change, partly because the side effect of gaining weight and having depression don't work well together. If I gain weight and don't feel good about myself and the way I look, that puts me in a blah mood, which can trigger a depressive state for a few days to a week. Now these have been spread out over longer periods of time, so that is a plus. I have not completely given up hope of change. I have decided that this will be my NEW START...if I want to see change I have to work for it, right? Unfortunately, my brain fights me everyday on this NEW START movement I try every week. I haven't worked out in two weeks and you know what, I feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about that! Do you see the correlation?  In order for guilt not to set in and my mood to plummet to the depths of hell, I have to get up off my ass and do something about it. I need to dedicate myself to my well being. I am not going to go crazy and sign up for Crossfit...that would just be insane, but I am going to get back to the me I was before... the girl who ran to clear her head, the girl that didn't curse like a sailor when it came to working out, I am going to get back to me. So back to basics...I loved running in college, so that is where I will start. Who knows, maybe the dedication will come back to me and I will finally do a 5K for the first time. Something to look forward to, but I have to start somewhere and its not where I have been for the last two weeks, the couch. (EVEN though the couch and I have a long and loving relationship.)

Be kind and enjoy your weekend.

Parents are LIARS...

I am 33 years old and to over the years I have learned that PARENTS LIE....and they lie often to their children. Parents naturally want to protect their children, and I get that. But when you watch shows like American Idol, and the really, really bad singers go on there and try to get a on the show, you have to wonder why did their parents lie to them?  If a child isn't good at something it should be the duty of the parent to say, "you know what this might not be your talent, but we will find it in something else." They should be honest with their child to protect them from being told on national tv that they are tone deaf and have no actual talent. (I also blame close friends and family members as well for lying too as to not hurt the person's feelings.) Honesty is the best policy, isn't that what most parents teach their children, but yet they lie constantly to them...Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Really people, I figured these out well before I am sure my parents hoped for. I am sure they wanted to have children that would believe in these LIES for much longer than about 6 years old.  Here are a few reasons I know my parents are liars and I am sure yours are too:

The White Horse: Setting: England, age five and my parents had the great idea that almost every weekend we would do something cultural. I love this about my parents, they exposed us to many wonderful things while we lived abroad and even back in the states. But let's get back to this lie that I wrote several school and even college essays about.  My parents told the four of us girls that we would be going to see a "white horse" over the weekend. Now that is all they said...my older sisters are 5 and ten years older than me and the twin so saying "white horse" meant something different to the two five year old. So the weekend comes and we pile into the car and drive in the rain several hours outside of Greenham Common where we lived. We get to a beautiful pasture and eat lunch in the back of the car. Mind you in my five year old mind I can't wait to see this white horse running around! We all walk to a ledge at the end of this pasture and it is roped off so you only can look out into the pasture below. So where is this "white horse" they promised me? Well, in the middle of this pasture, there is a mound and in the center of the mound is a "white horse"...made out of white rock. Yep...ROCKS! Devastation sets in and this everyone is the lie that stuck with me, even to this day I will bring it up to my parents and they just laugh! It was the representation of where St. George slew the dragon and since he is depicted riding a white horse, the Brits decided to make a white horse to commemorate the event. First example of something that needs to be explained to a five year old.


Santa: Setting: Nebraska, age 6. My parents always liked to make Christmas an all day event. Everyone had to eat breakfast, and then we could come downstairs to open gifts. We would open our stockings and then one of the older sisters would start handing out gifts. Here is the thing though... we would only open half of our gifts in the morning and then head upstairs to have lunch/supper and then return for the rest of the presents. They were big on suspense I guess. Well, here is the thing, we never put out cookies and milk for Santa...it was always cookies and WINE. Yes ladies and gentlemen, WINE. Things started getting interesting in Nebraska when I woke up on Christmas eve to go to the restroom- My room was right across from my parents and it was easier to just use their bathroom than walk down the hall...The door was closed partially, so I pushed it open. In my sleepy haze I see my parents standing on either side of the bed wrapping gifts! WHAT?? I thought Santa brought everything to us. What the hell is going on here. I asked them and they panicked and said nothing and just rushed me out of the room. The next morning it all made sense...as we started to unwrap presents my older sister noticed that my twin got a Calligraphy set that she had asked for and she got underwear that was meant for a six year old in her stocking. There were several mix-ups that Christmas, but my parents played it off as "well the elves must have mixed things up and Santa didn't notice." Nice try! After that I was suspicious and just gave up on the whole Santa idea, since I caught them in the act and it was evident that "SANTA" aka my parents drank a little too much the night before and got the gifts mixed up for us girls. My parents stopped saying things were from Santa pretty much after that. Now my mom doesn't even bother to wrap gifts she let's me pick which PJ set I want, along with what ever else she bought for Christmas. My father just gets us gift cards or writes us a check...no middle man now.

My parents are wonderful, but they lied to me. I don't love them any less, but they are two of the funniest people I know and the lies they told me, amuse me to this day. They laugh and just try to say I am remembering it wrong, but they know the truth!

So the moral of the story is, if you as parents are going to tell your children that honesty is the best policy, then lead by example. Don't tell them that a fat man comes down the chimney and drops off gifts, don't tell them a bunny lays eggs all over the yard- mind you eggs filled with candy and for gods sake if you accidentally leave a 20 dollar bill under their pillow instead of a quarter for a tooth, don't lie to them and say the tooth fairy has bad eye sight and couldn't see in the dark.  If you child tries activities that it is pretty evident that they are not good at, encourage them to look for their true talent, instead of telling them they are good at something that its apparent they will never excel, even with training- just be honest! Don't be liars like my parents were to me. I knew at an early age I was uncoordinated and tap and ballet were not for me and my parents even though they said keep at it, I knew they were lying. Its ok, I found my other talents, in playing the flute, school, crafts, etc. and I am a better person even though they lied!

I really do love my parents, promise.

Be kind today.

Mundane

I was driving to class one Tuesday and was listening to NPR about a musician that suffers from Bipolar. It was about his struggles to stay healthy while working on his music. One thing that he said stood out in my mind and a light bulb turned on. When asked how he is doing today with his disease, (and remember just because you can't see it, it is still a disease.) he said something to the point of, " I am able to deal with the mundane conversations more now than ever." This stuck with me and I had to discuss this with my mom when I stopped at her house before class.  I thought about all the way over there and this is what I came up with. Having Bipolar, my mind is wired a little differently than someone who does not have this disease. With my specific diagnosis, I tend to see the negative and bad before I see the beauty and blessings. I go from zero to 100 in a matter of milliseconds. I have more depression than manic highs.
I am a child of a cynic and a woman that keeps it real, so just imagine how my sense of conversation skills developed over my childhood. I am sarcastic to the bone and often will tell a person exactly what I am thinking without a filter, so needless to say having conversations with people about little things in their life was and to a point a challenge for me. After hearing that one statement, I realized it's true for me as well...I can handle the mundane conversations more than before. It is not to say that I do not enjoy talking to people or find them dull as the definition suggests, but it is more that my brain would not allow me to find interest in what people were talking about. My brain was fixated on what it thought was important and that was the depression and particular mood I might be in at that moment. 
I had to explain to my mother that I wasn't disinterested in what others were saying, even her, its just that my mind was not engaged in the conversation. She told me that she noticed that I often have a blank stare when she talks to me...again its not me being rude and thinking what she is saying is boring and not as important. I just couldn't focus on the little things that people would talk about, when there was a war going on inside my head. I dreaded having small talk with people, because I didn't know how to have those conversations with people. It is hard for me to this day to stop and ask people how they are doing and wait for their response. I have been able to push my boundaries to where I am comfortable having "regular" conversations that people have everyday. I cringe a little bit when it comes to meeting new people and finding things to talk about, but I can manage at least the simple conversation about simple things that people talk about on a regular basis- family, weather, school, what is happening in their life, etc. I hear everything that is said, but I have to remind myself that what this person is saying is important to them and I force the battle in my head to cease fire so I can truly listen to what they say to me. It's hard, but I am able to deal with the conversations now, and that is a big deal. Coming from the place I was a year ago to where I am now, that is a really big deal. 

Alcoholic

Depression is kind of like having alcoholism...you know there is something wrong. You know that you are slipping down a hole that is getting harder to get out of than before. You know that damage is being done on the inside but you just can't see it, so in your mind its not there. With depression you lose your desire to do things that once made you happy. It is a struggle to move from your bed to the couch and then to even get up to get something to eat. I feel as though I am an alcoholic that is too weak from drinking that I just can't do anything. No wait better yet I am a functioning alcoholic...I appear to be happy and get things done that need to be. I am well kept, my house isn't a disaster, my school work is done in advance, I am polite etc. But behind closed doors I am a mess. I am moody, reluctant to start projects in the house, because I know I won't have the energy to complete them. I push off things that can be done in an instant and say I will do them later. I am in some way dependent on my spouse for the boost of confidence he gives me to do things I like. I feel helpless most days and don't know why. No I mean I do know why...its called depression. I am at least aware of that... I know when the hold is coming over me and I know that something has to be done quickly to have it let go of me. But there are some days where I don't mind having another drink of "poor me" or "my life stinks." I don't mind just sitting on my couch in my PJs and doing nothing, because that calms the waves in my head. So I drink and drink some more to calm and soothe what bothers me. I snap out of it after a few days to a week, but in the eyes of professionals that means I have just had a manic episode and something has to be done to get me out of it. I know this...so why do I stay in the place that is so low? Well, here is the thing about suffering from depression, you can't just get over it...it is like being an alcoholic- it is part of your life for the rest of your life. You can have good days, and then you might have a few bad days. Its best to fill your life with people and places that will not allow you to relapse into the downward spiral, but you can't hide from the world to get away from your demons. Depression is a disease that is not seen on the outside, you wouldn't know I was depressed unless I told you. Just like an alcoholic I can hide it really well. I can smile and pretend that nothing is wrong, when I am screaming on the inside. Today, I had a drink this morning, but I won't be having a drink for awhile I am sure...it changes sometimes as quickly as the weather. Again, its with you for the rest of your life, waiting for you to take just one more drink.

Sometimes you have to throw a little poop!

When your little you are told that, "If you have nothing nice to say about someone, then don't say anything at all." Well, adults are dumb for telling you to hold it in. I am a firm believer that if you say what is on your mind then the planets and stars align and everything is how it should be.  I was given the same "wise" advice when I was younger, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen because I didn't want my silence to be a confirmation that I liked someone or what they were doing. I would rather say the unflattering thing to the person and get it over with. I may not be good at small talk, but I can tell you how you are acting like a fool in a heartbeat.  Why do we try to pretend that everyone has something nice to say about a particular person or situation? Do we really want to live in a world where everyone smiles in your face, all the time they want to take your place? Yes, I did just use the line from the song, "Backstabbers."  People are so worried about hurt people's feelings that they in turn deny themselves the benefit of telling the truth.  If I don't like you or a particular situation I am not going to be quiet about it. You will know. Now, I am fully medicated, so my approach to telling someone they are a douche bag is less offensive. I only use one curse word as opposed to about twenty along with telling you that you are in fact a douche bag.  I think of life like a zoo, or better yet the monkey cages at the zoo.  People are walking around you pointing and trying to figure out what you are going to do next. You just want to keep doing you and sit in the hammock and eat a banana, but they keep banging on the glass yelling at you to do something. Well, here is what you have to when people are yelling and telling you what they think you should do- THROW A LITTLE POOP! Throw a little poop at the window and the little bastards hit the ground running.

Be kind.

Not Paying Rent

Today I turned down a job, a job that would have paid me well and I would have more than likely found joy in the challenge. A job that would need to me to start in two weeks and also require me to be away from my husband on a weekly basis. I started to think at first well this is great, I got a job offer-my resume speaks for itself. That is a good thing. When I called to ask about the start date and realized that the person I was talking to couldn't answer my questions, I felt irritated. I then decided after talking to the two people that set me on the path of righteousness, I turned down the job. It's not a matter that I couldn't do it, its a matter of my health and the undue stress I would be putting myself through to be a warm body in the classroom for two months.  The money was tempting, very tempting, in fact it was the first thing I told people about, but then the moment of clarity hit me. Am I that person that wants a job because of the pay, or I am still the person that wants to make a difference in the lives of the students that are in my class?  After thinking about this and then talking about it some more, this is what I get from my mother, "Anything in your mind that isn't paying rent, kick it out and put it to the curb." In other words, the money would be great, but the stress and unhealthy environment I would be in aren't worth it. So, I turned down a job today. There will be other offers, but for right now, if the thought in my head "isn't paying rent," it doesn't get to stick around.

One of those days

The number of things that I don't want to do today are numerous...
1. don't want to get out of my pj's
2. don't want to get out of bed
3. don't want to take phone calls from people that don't announce who they are before they start asking questions that take more of my brain capacity, since they just woke me up.
4. don't really want to drive in the snow and cold and sit in class for four hours and learn about statistics
5. don't want to be bothered with people today.

But you know what I have to do all of these things today, and I am going to do it with a smile, because it confuses people. They don't know what to do when you just smile at them. It freaks them out. I am going to drive to class with Christmas music blaring mainly because there is snow on the ground, I will learn statistics even though I avoided it all through college, and I will then drive home tomorrow morning and curl up in bed and drink tea and binge watch SVU and Rosanne.  That will be my reward for doing the things on my list today that I really don't want to do, but know its best if I do.

Have a great day. Be kind.

Curly

I have had super curly hair all my life. It wasn't till I was much older that I was able to appreciate it. I remember hating my hair and my mom for giving me this kind of hair. (because it was her fault I got the curls, right?)  Anyhoo, I wanted my hair to be straight like all the other girls I went to school with. I hated being teased because my hair was different. Here is the thing, as a bi-racial child, I was neither white enough because of my hair and never black enough because of my skin tone.  This is the Catch-22 of being mixed.I detested it when my mom would try to get me to wear my hair down. I would rather pull it back and braid it. This took place all through high school. It wasn't till my freshman year of college I embraced the curls. I first cut my hair short and then slowly started to transform into the curl loving woman I am today. I cut it short because I didn't want to spend forever doing it in the morning. (I am like my mother in that aspect, I would rather have short hair and take five minutes to get ready.)  I have cut my hair several times since then, just to spice things up. I love my curls now. It is a way for me to stand out without saying a word. I can walk into a room and the curls do the talking. That of course is a conversation starter for many people, because they can't figure out how a light skinned, blue eyed girl ended up with black curly ringlets.  Then of course, for some reason, white people always want to touch it. HELLO!! I don't ask to touch your hair, so please don't ask to touch mine. Trust me it feels like hair.  Its not just about the hair, its about accepting who I am as a bi-racial woman. I have accepted that my hair is only a starting point to this acceptance. I then started to love my full lips, curvy hips, broad shoulders, and the little bit of junk in my truck my momma gave me. Getting older those curves have been accentuated a little more and the hair has grown a little longer, but I still am a work in progress when it comes to loving all that is me. I am a curly haired, blue eyed, light skinned girls with full lips...if you want that is the black in me, but I say that is the strong heritage that I get from my lovely great grandmother, grandmother and my mother. I have never seen pictures of my great grandmother, but my mother told me she was lighter than me and had straight grey hair. She says I resemble her to some degree, and that makes me love me even more after hearing that. Even though I never met her, I feel her strength in me through the blood my grandmother gave my mother and the blood my mother gave to me. I am a curly headed lady and I will not be tamed!

Be kind today.

Above Ground

There are many things that repulse me in this world... I detest people at claim to have no knowledge of something that indeed they were privy to about six months ago. I am repulsed by people that will smile in your face and then say nothing in your defense when the time comes to supposedly "help" you out. People that claim to have your back and then back away from you and don't even reach out to see how you are doing. I can't stand people that claim ignorance when in fact they are just choosing to be blind to what is standing in front of them. I am annoyed with people that are negative and they keep creeping back into my life with the drama I let go of a year ago. I am pissed that I let these people annoy me and disgusted with myself, that I don't just tell them to FUCK OFF and stay out of my life. I need the voice of my mother to keep me from wishing ill will upon people that are bad people, because though I may not be a religious person, I do believe in Karma and its a bitch what her sister Joy can dish out when she is on vacation. I need the voice of my husband to tell me that we will fight harder than ever to make everything ok. I need the voice of my father to tell to relax and everything will work out, and he will do his CIA thing that he is so good at doing.  I am repulsed at the way so many people just allow the people that are supposed to lead them ignore that fact that they don't have a clue what they are talking about. I understand self preservation, but when are you going to stop being a lemming and drinking the kool-aid? I have had peace in my heart for several months and have been doing well in spite of all that is on my plate right now, but today, I went to a dark place and was unsure how to get out without the calming words of the three people mentioned above. Without the words of encouragement that everything will work out, I would be huddled under the covers of my bed, not wanting to be apart of this wonderful world. I would spiral into a hole so deep that it would be hard to dig my way out. So my repulsion lies mainly in people that claim to be good people but overall are jerks and assholes that you really want to punch in the face. I am not a violent person but I went there today in my thoughts, and I am sadden by that. I thought I was over the anger, but it swelled up inside of me and took over for about an hour or so. I didn't go into the hole...I stayed above ground and will remain there even with the people that repulse me. I just will choose to walk around them and not acknowledge their existence. Karma and Joy will take care of them for me.

Be Kind today...and have a beer or two!

Consumed

I am consumed by thoughts of "what if." I can't shake them from my mind. In the last year my mind has been a playground of "what ifs."  I am the person that always asks this question before anything even gets off the ground. I am the person that hits the negatives looking at the positives. I am the person that looks for the gloom before they ever see the rainbow. My mind races with doomsday scenarios. I am constantly amazed at how far my mind will reach into the depths of despair without even coming up for air and thinking of something happy. I am consumed with the the overwhelming feeling of dread. I am consumed with a desire to feel happy but the sad creeps in before I can see the happy. I am consumed with the need to be stronger and stronger everyday, so that the people I love know that I am getting better and not worry about me. I am consumed with a routine that is seemingly overtaking my life and its scaring me that I won't be able to change it. I am consumed with the feeling that I need change and hope that I am capable of dealing with the change. I want to start fresh and know that its for the better. I want to feel better about what I do every single day. I want to feel as though I serve a purpose and that what I do matters. I am consumed with these ideas daily and want them to become a reality. I am consumed with pressure that I place on myself to be the perfect student, wife, daughter and person living with depression and other issues. I know there is no such thing as perfect but I am consumed with the idea of perfection. I want to be stronger than I was the day before and know that if I can't do something then its ok. I want to know that I CAN do the things that my mind says I can't.  I want to be consumed with affirmations from my own head that I am worth all the good that I have in my life right now. I want to be consumed with energy that allows me to waver from the schedule and routine I have so rigidly set for myself.  I want to be consumed with the strength that comes deep within my soul. I WILL be consumed with success and delight at how far I have come and how far I will continue to come.

Be kind today.

Not that kind of woman...

You know there are some women in this world that knew from an early age that they wanted to be mothers. They grow up, get married and have children.  I have never been that woman.  Not to say that being a mother or  working mother is a bad thing, its just never something I ever wanted, and probably don't want out of life. I am a teacher and that is the best birth control there is. I love working with children, but I don't think I want to come home to them.  I have a nurturing bone, hell that is why the plants and the dogs are still alive. But if I forget to water the plants or feed the dog, its not a big deal. Forget to fed a child- big deal! I had a co-worker once tell me that I just wasn't "that kind of woman." Now I wanted to punch this person in her face, because she was making it seem as though my choice to continue my education and work to build my professional career and not have a family was wrong. Really, did I comment on your failed marriage at age 22 and  you having multiple baby daddy in the picture? Nope didn't say anything, even though deep down I was judging very harshly. I recently got married after three years of being with my significant other and we have talked about children, but the conversation never seems to pan out in the direction of : "YES, we want to have children." It is more like a big huge question mark up in the air. Now trust me there is no pressure from either of are parents to have children since they have plenty of grandchildren, so that is a plus.  There is however a somewhat social expectation that since we are married and in our thirties that we should be having children. All our friends that are married have or are having children...so that leads me to think its what you do when your in your thirties.  But again, its not something I see for myself. I just started back at school and will be working on a dissertation in about two years...do I really need a child to add to that equation? Don't think so. The dissertation will be my baby. I have also applied for two jobs that would require us to relocate if I was offered one of them. Baby? Nope, still not sold on the idea. Yes, I have chosen to put my professional life before anything else, because that is what I am passionate about.  (I put my family and husband as a priority too, you know what I mean.)  I am fine with not being "that kind of woman." It might be the Mamie Davis blood running through me that just wants to push forward and be that powerhouse in the academic and professional world and to hell with the rest of it. That is some strong blood running through these veins and maybe just maybe I am doing it for her and my other great-great-great grandmothers. They did not have the opportunities that I have before me. Maybe I am supposed to be the kind of woman that fights to get what she wants out of her professional career to honor the ladies in my family that didn't have those options. I am not "that kind of woman" and I am 110% ok with that. And with that said have a great day.

Be kind today.

Disclaimer

Typically when someone starts off the conversation with a disclaimer I tend to lean towards the idea that the conversation isn't going to go very well.  For example I remember having someone actually say to me, after finding out I was half black, "You know I am not racist, I know several black people." Well, right there you showed your true colors. You probably "know" a few black people in the sense of you have seen black people.  Last week I got some great news and I was rather excited it about and I had one person SHIT on that parade in a rather passive aggressive way.  "Well, I don't want to be a negative Nancy..." Hello, that means you are going to be negative with what you are about to say and I really don't care to hear/read it. Even after reassuring this person that I indeed knew what I was getting myself into, they had the nerve to then tell me good luck. Really?  Did I miss something, you just told me that the job I was interviewing for was bad and then you tell me good luck.  Insincere much? Look I have used disclaimers often in my writing, but that is me being a smart ass and being sarcastic. I use the disclaimer in jest, because I know what I am disclaiming is completely true for me when I say it.  If I say, "I really don't give two flying craps about: fill in the blank," It's because I don't give to flying craps about something. If I told someone "I don't want to be a negative Nancy...I actually do want to be a negative Nancy and will do so with gusto!  It's simple people...say what the hell you mean to say. Stop sugar coating everything little damn thing with niceties that mean nothing.  Stop using disclaimers to make yourself feel better about what you are about to say in the hopes that people will not think poorly of you. Hello, people are going to judge you no matter what the hell you say, so just say it. My mother never told me to hold my tongue, unless she is in the room and it involves me cursing like a sailor. She taught me and my sisters that words are your best weapons in most instances. I have learned to use my words to get my point across and people have taken notice that I don't back down for anyone. I have learned that if I speak the truth then more people will respect my ideas. IF they don't, oh well...as my mother says, "sounds like a personal problem!" So my disclaimer for the day is: If you are offended by this, sorry. (remember I am sarcastic, so take that with a grain of salt.)

Be kind today.

Enough

I have been through a lot in the past year, but I can say with the help of my family-parents and my great husband that I have made it through. I don't think I say it enough but thank you. Thank you for taking me with all my quirks and faults and not judging me for them. Thank you for knowing they are a part of me and though I wish I could change some things, you still love me.  Thank you for being there when I needed a pep talk, when I needed someone to just be real with me and tell me to suck it up.  Thank you for being the rock when I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own. Good things are and have been happening for me this past year and I couldn't have done it without you.  So, just in case I haven't said it enough, THANK YOU!

Be kind.