Asking too much...

Am I asking too much to have a relationship with you? Am I asking too much that certain people don't get in the way of that relationship? All I want is what we had when were younger...hanging out and not letting anyone or anything come between us. I miss you and just want you to know that I care. Even though I don't verbally ask you how things are I do care. My way of showing support is by calling and just talking to you. I don't want to pry. I figured that if you really wanted to talk about it you would. I just want you in my life.  I understand that you are going through something at the moment and it's rough, but please don't back away from the people that care about you the most. I am always going to be there no matter what. I don't know how else to say it, but I am scared that I will not talk to you or see you for a long time and I just wanted to let you know how that makes me feel.  We aggravate each other...we are cut from the same cloth, so that is to be expected. We share the same DNA, we know what buttons to push to bring the other to their knees. But again, I thought I was being supportive of you and your situation, even though I didn't verbally ask about it. I thought talking about the positives in your life was showing interest, support. I am not physic so I didn't know you needed more. If you need me to ask then I will, but there are a few things I need from you...be stronger than you think you are, be the bitch I know you can be when something isn't going the way you want it to, be the person that our mother raised you to be and stand up for yourself.  Don't let anyone tell you what to do. We have Mamie Davis blood running through us, and from what I know she didn't put up with bullshit, so stop taking the shit that is handed to you and handle your business. Give people the side eye when they question your judgement, give people the boot in your life that don't support you, say "hell to the NO," when you aren't getting what you want and really want it.  Be a fire in spite of all the rain that is hanging over your head right now. Is that too much to ask?  WE am not going anywhere, when you are ready to talk and let me in, I can sit and listen, but I will not pry like I said before.  Handle your business and don't let anyone tell you that you CAN'T do something or see/speak to anyone that has been in your life longer than they have. This is an open letter/invitation to talk and I will listen.  

Closeted Obsessive Christmas Decorator...

I decorated my house on Veteran's Day...now let me throw out a disclaimer: I have had all my purchased Christmas gifts in our office in the corner of the room since summer. My husband said one day prior to Veteran's Day, "do you want to put up the decorations?" I hesitated in my answer because I was unsure of what he was asking me. In my moments hesitation I lost my chance to decorate.  So, lesson learned.  Now Veteran's Day rolls around..."want me to get the decorations down from the attic?" With no hesitation I SAY YES!!! he had no chance to back out on this now.  It took me less then an hour to have two tress up and decorated, Christmas music playing in the house, candles burning and a bit of Christmas in every room of the house. Yes, even the bathroom has decorations.  Don't judge. I hide behind my emotions that Christmas season starts after turkey day, but this year and I judge people, especially my twin for decorating in October. Its like you say you don't like Brittany Spears to all your friends but then when you are alone in your car and a song comes on you are singing at the top of your lungs, saying "This is my JAM!!"  Its like that with me and Christmas decorating... I say I don't condone it before turkey day, but in my heart of hearts I wish I could leave them up all year long. I had all my gifts wrapped and under the tree that evening. Now, to be honest, I think I was sending subliminal messages to my husband starting in October, with me listening to Christmas music in the office while I did my homework, watching Elf and Christmas Vacation when he would come home from work...not that I was trying to trick him, but it worked!  But he did agree that its nice to have all the shopping done and now we just enjoy the holiday season and we don't have to stress about shopping and dealing with people that seemed to have lost the meaning of the holiday.

So with that being said: " I am a COCD...and I am taking the steps to get better, but really do I need help?"

Be kind today.

Thankful

I am not going to lie... I love CHRISTMAS!!! But I also love fall. I am enjoying the seasonal colors, smells and in about two weeks, the FOOD. I have so many things to be thankful this year.
1. My loverly husband who has stuck by me through a really rough six months.
2. My mother- she offers comic relief during my homework breaks.
3. My father- who has allowed me to come home once a week and disrupt his life, so that I can further my education.
4. My health-I am so thankful for the team of people I work with on a monthly basis to keep me sane. They are miracle workers.
5. Myself-I have worked hard to be a better person and focus on the positive in the world.
6. Friends-I have realized that some friendships are effortless and are just worth every second I put into them. I appreciate them and welcome getting to know them even better as time goes by.

I have been counting my blessings each day and focus on the positive around me. Be thankful for everything you have and the people in your life.

My hope is that I can continue to enjoy life and whatever it puts in front of me.

Be Kind  today.

Voting for my great grandmother and my great great grandmother...

Midyear elections are tomorrow...and you know what that means: not that many people will be out at the polls. Sorry to bust your democracy bubble, but people don't turn out for these elections like they should. These elections are probably more important than the Presidential Elections. Some will argue against that, but this is going to determine who is in charge of the House!!! I know this may not seem like anything, but this is big. I have my voter registration card ready to go and I will be in my PJs at 6am at my polling place to cast my vote. It is times like this that I am proud to be an American. This is one thing that we have control over, you can have your voice be heard if you just vote. I taught high school government and it was so sad to me that many of my students did not see the significance in being able to vote when they turned 18. I tried to explain that it is something they have always known they will be able to do, because so many people before them died for this basic right. So many countries intimidate voters and prevent democracy from happening, and they just take this right for granted. Maybe, just maybe, if they lived in a world where this wasn't a basic right they wouldn't take it for granted. I have a former student who lives in Egypt and she gets to see first hand what voting can do and how powerful the vote can be.

When my mother was growing up the right to vote was not for everyone...she went to a segregated school as my father did, even though they grew up practically in the next town. Their worlds were completely different living in the South.  In my family, only half of my ancestors had the right to vote from the moment they were born. (my father's side.) My mother's side of the family had to fight along side countless people that felt voting was a basic right and not matter who you are you should have that right. I have never asked my parents what it was like during the 60 and 70s...they were young and the world was their oyster. I called to talk to my mother today about what it was like, but of course she won't answer any of her phones...but I am getting off the point. I remember back when Obama first ran, my mother and I decided we were going to cast our vote early that year. We stood in the cold for about 40 minutes at the polling station. An older black man was standing behind us and he was sooooooooooo excited to vote. He had his young grandson with him, and he was explaining that this was an election that he never thought he would see in his lifetime. That is what I am talking about...this man's grandchild will not have to ever think that a black man running for office is impossible, he will not have to every doubt if it is safe for him to go to a polling station. Why? Because people came before him and paved the way.

So at 6am Tuesday I will be standing at the door of the church down the street, not only casting my vote for people I believe will make a difference, but I am casting my vote for my great grandmother Mamie Davis and my great great grandmother, and all the other ancestors that never got the chance to vote and know that they are making a difference.

VOTE on Tuesday!!! and be kind.

Confessions of the fat twin

As a twin you are constantly compared to the other. I was the smart, nerdy twin, while my sister was the artsy, creative one. I have even had people say to me, " no I was talking about the pretty twin, your sister. " Really people? Hello we look the same. Though we might look the same, and people are perplexed when they see us together-trust me it is freaky to see two people that look exactly alike. I stare at multiples all the time and now know what the big deal is.  Anyhoo... over the last year I have gained almost 30 pound due to medicine and depression. The medicine has helped with the depression but the weight gain doesn't exactly bode well for the psyche in some ways. I am not depressed about it, I have figured out that I have to learn to love this me and work on making sure I am healthy. If that means I am a little heavier than the last time you saw me, so be it. I am healthy, trust me. I eat healthy, I workout.  Here's the thing, you don't have to point it out to me. I know what I look like. I know that I have gained weight and I am working on losing a few pounds here and there, but becuase of the medicine I am taking that is going to be hard. But I am willing to put in the hard work...no not crazy, puking, my body hurts hard work, but hard work-i exercise at least 4 times a week and eat lots of fruit and veggies kind of hard work. Back to that don't mention it to me point...just accept that I have accepted that this might be the me that is going to be around for a long time and that I have accepted that. My idea of a healthy body image is that I am comfortable in who I am- and I am! when you can say that you are happy in the body that you have been given, then you are truly happy with the body you were given and that is a big thing. Don't let anyone step on that feeling. Women are constantly being told that if they are not a smaller size that they are not beautiful... I disagree. I am one of those not so small ladies anymore and I think I look damn good. If you have given birth to children and have had people tell you that you need to lose the "baby fat" tell them to go fly a kite. Your body sustained life and a little curve here and there is proof that you rock! We need to stop being obsessed with the size and focus on the healthy...if a woman is a size 15 but is healthy for her age- then let her rock her size 15 and move on. Again, this is just the thoughts of a woman until recently was the "thin" person...I am still learning to love my new body, but I love it. It's not going anywhere so I better like it right?

Be kind today.

Christmas Vacation

I  am not going to say that I am upset with people's behavior, I am disappointed. This tends to be the problem with me...I build things up in my head and want them to be wonderful. I am the Clark Griswald of Carbondale....there is a grand picture in my head of how things should go and when they don't I am disappointed. I want to stop caring about how people behave but it's hard when you have invested time in them. How can you not care about people, you thought cared about you?  See the problem?

I decided that I am only going to put stock in people that are willing to invest in me as well. And not on a superficial level, but on a true level of investment. No more, we are friends on fb and I never see or interact with...I want people in my life that take the time to at least see how I am doing, and truly want to be in my life. Again, maybe I expect people to be decent and oh I don't know be considerate of others, but I guess that is asking too much. I have recently had this revelation that if you take the time to truly be concerned with me, and its genuine, then you get to ride along with me through my life. If you say one thing and then talk out the side of your face, I want nothing to do with you. Say goodbye and hello to something called karma. You know karma right, do good and good will follow you and good things will happen to you... well guess what if you continue to be inconsiderate of others karma is going to bite you in your ass. I appreciate people that are real and have made an effort to get to know me and care about me. I thank those people in my life. You are all the reason I am doing so well and am not ranting with a slew of curse words...my mother says I can curse like a sailor, just like her when I am upset. Thanks mother for that gift.

So to end said rant, this year, I am purging my life of people that do not give a damn about me. I am not going to say consider yourself lucky if you make the cut, but those that are in my life to stay and are truly invested in me, you are keepers. I may build things up in my mind to be wonderful and there is nothing wrong with that, but I like being Clark Griswald...his Christmas Vacation wasn't completely ruined, he at least had people who cared about him in his corner when he needed them.

be kind today

Happy Birthday to ME!

I am another year older, a little bit wiser, and oh so HAPPY. No really, I am happy. I have a mother and father who love me unconditionally, sisters that make me laugh and a husband that knows me well enough to buy me bear claw slippers to make me smile.

This is going to be short and sweet.  I am surrounded by happy people and things, that it is getting easier and easier to be happy for MYSELF. After my appointments this week with my doctor, having other people tell me " I look and sound like I am doing much better." And I am. So with that, I will say "Happy Birthday to ME!!!"

be kind today.

Karma is a Bitch and her sister's name is Joy...

I sat down here to finish my term papers for class, but started thinking about all the things that are swirling around in my head. I did a presentation on world religions for my class on cultural proficiency this week and I talked a lot about Karma and its significance in life and in the Hindu religion as a whole. For those of you that may not know what the concept of Karma is, it deals with how you live your current, present life and it's impact it will have on your next life. Now if you don't believe in reincarnation, then this makes no sense to you and you do not have to continue to read this post. But basically, if you are a good person, and you live and follow dharma, you will come back as something greater than before in your next life.  This is something that has always fascinated me about the religion, you get more than one chance to get it right. I love that idea. 

I have over the last few days come to realization that some people will have a hard time with this Karma thing. They are good people on the outside, meaning they seem like everything is happy and everything is good, but on the inside they neglect the most personal and fundamental concept of being a good person- How you TREAT others.  They may be really good to themselves and the people that are in their inner circle, but to those closest to them, they disregard them and disregard what these people have given to them in the past when they were in need.  They look down on people that do not fit their model of what life should be lived like. They act as though everyone will bow down to them because of the things they have and the people they know. Little do they know that the stars are not aligning in order for them, they are in a cosmic turmoil because of how they treat people. 

Being about to treat people, all people, with the respect and dignity they deserve is hard. I am guilty of being judgmental and harsh towards people I don't know, and I have sense learned that I was wrong for this. I am a easier person to deal with because I see value in all God's creatures and I see that not everyone is made the way I would like them to be. I have had to reflect on my transgressions that I have placed on people in the past and have to apologize numerous times to make my Karma right. I am at my wits ends with certain people and can't come to terms with how they have treated me and those that I love dearly. They act as though they are better than and that I and others should be beholden to them for them taking the time to be around me. I don't have agendas when I am with people I say I care for. I just want to be around them. I cherish the conversation and time I have with these people and take nothing more than that away from the experiences I have with them. 

This might seem incoherent and jumbled, it is partly, because my mind is thinking of my term papers, school models, and action plans. I apologize if you can't follow my train of thought, but I promise there is a reason for this little rant...Karma is real, people say it all the time; "Karma will catch up with you." I believe this to be true. But be warned if Karma is a Bitch and if she doesn't catch up to you, her sister Joy is a bigger Bitch to deal with. 

Be kind to others and know that you can only be you and no one else, so choose you! 

Common Sense

My mother sat me down yesterday and told me I have common sense. To paraphrase, she said the issues I have to deal with emotionally  has nothing to do with how I respond to the things that are going on in my life. I need to put that stuff aside and focus on the bigger picture and that is peace. She continued to say that I know what I am doing and I just need to keep doing it. She is a wonder of a woman. With her and my father breaking things down for me, I am blessed. They have always been there to protect and fight for me when I needed them. They have seen me at my lowest over the last year and they still protect and fight for me to this day. My mother continues with her tough NURSE RATCHET brand of love and tells me that I have a husband that will support me in whatever I do. (They think a lot alike and its a little scary sometimes how one will say something the other just told me the day before.) It was a "come to Jesus" moment with the Msgt that afternoon. I am a smart woman and know when I have been wronged, I understand that the situation I was dealt with was unjust. She told me that all I need to use is that common sense she knows I have. I don't need to let my emotional demons that are inside of me dictate how I handle things. I fight the common sense, because it is easier to cry and be emotional about what is going on at the moment in regards to the "incident." It is easier to just walk away and throw my hands up and say I just want to be done with it. But here is the kicker, I fortunately come from a family of fighters, therefore it's in my blood and I can not walk away from this without throwing at least a few punches to scuff up the (pardon my language) son of a bitch that screwed me out of a job I loved and was good at. My momma has my back and with her words of wisdom about using the common sense God gave me, today when I got three emails from the attorney and spoke to him on the phone, I was able to breath and take it all in. I was able to say with a firm, unwavering voice that I truly understood what he was saying. I say "I know, " a lot in conversations I am having with my husband and my parents and they know I am not really taking it all in, but today was the day I took it all in.  I was able to breath a sigh of relief after getting off the phone and had a grasp of what was said. Momma knows best and in this case it is for real. If all else false I know my momma will just come down here and take out everyone that caused her baby girl pain and she will be yelling from the top of her lungs, "PIMP DOWN!!!" as she does it.

I love everything that my momma is and ever will be in my life. My father has been a solid rock of advice and would bail my momma out in a heartbeat. My husband would be there probably in shock and awe, but I would just have to remind him that is how the Mamie Davis in us rolls and he married into the family so he just gets to go along with it :)

Be kind today.  

Size doesn't matter...

My husband told me about a news story that was talking about how Kendall Jenner, sister to Kim Kardashian was told she was too fat to be a runway model. Really, she is in her early twenties and probably has no body fat whatsoever... This brings me to my post today. I was a size 3-4 all through college and up until three years ago. I never had anyone call me fat or did I have a negative image of myself. It wasn't until I started to gain weight because of medication and health issues, that people started treating me differently. Once you are no longer the in the 120 lbs range people start to ask questions and say things that come off really wrong. For example: "have you worked out?", "do you eat a lot of fast food and junk food?" "Do you know you have gained weight?" The answer to these questions is irrelevant, but what gives people that are considered, "skinny" the right to ask these questions of a person that has gained weight. I don't go around asking you if you "ate a burger" in the last year or if you "ate at all today."  I have been struggling with getting my medicine just right so that the exercise and clean eating I am doing can help me lose the weight I have gained over the last three years. I am not blind to the fact that I have gained weight, and I don't need people to point it out to me. There is no nice way to say "wow, you look great, but I have noticed you have put on some pounds lately."  Anyone who has dealt with this battle understands that even if you do everything like you are supposed to, sometimes it takes longer to lose the weight than you want and it can be frustrating. I have a double whammy, I have depression coupled with weight gain due to my medication. So, if my pants don't fit right or I don't feel comfortable in my self one day, that can trigger an episode of baby depression for the day. I have been fighting back against this and now that if not now when? No more excuses as to why I am not losing the weight, my husband is doing everything in his power to keep me motivated and help me feel better about myself. I am working hard to remind myself, that it's just a number and size doesn't matter, as long as I am healthy and happy.

Be kind today.

Redos

There have been several days over the last few weeks that I wish I could just redo. As in rewind and start from the beginning, before the meltdown. If i could start from the moment just before the meltdown, I would be able to pin point why the meltdown is about to happen and prevent it from happening. So, I declare that as a person that suffers from anxiety/panic and depression disorder, I am ALLOWED to have redos. I am allowed to say "wait a moment, give me a second to think things over and let me collect myself, so that my meltdown isn't as catastrophic as it could be." Heck even if you don't suffer from anything, if you need to redo the moment, do it! Its not just about saying you were wrong in how you reacted to something, its about letting yourself know that its ok to have these moments and its ok to take the time to reflect on why this is happening. I really can't stand it when people tell me to relax and just get over it. Really? If it were that easy, I wouldn't need a pill box the size of a dvd player. Those words are probably the most annoying things to hear when you deal with this on a daily basis. Its not something you can just "get over and ignore." It is a  daily struggle to have a good day, and dammit if I am having a bad day and declare a redo of a moment in that day you better believe I am going to redo it! The way you feel when you mentally are just tired and can't think straight is probably the hardest thing to explain to people that have never dealt with this kind of thing before. Your brain is so overloaded that you can't think straight and its hard to keep your emotions from bubbling over. Its like you are on fire and there is no one around to put the fire out.  I hope that I will not have to redo a lot next week, the next day or even the next few hours. But again, if I have to take that moment to redo the moment, I will and do that moment over with more forethought and patience for myself and the entire situation.

Be kind today.

Medical Haze

I am sitting at my computer and several things are fighting for my attention. I am trying not to go ham on the dog who has been barking for about 10 minutes straight because she has felt a change in the force. I am also annoyed that my computer fan is running really loud and I am afraid it might explode or just stop working.  I have been sick since last Wednesday, so the observations through the eyes of a medically induced haze is always eye opening. I am probably dehydrated and need to sleep more... back the dog barking she is so going in her kennel in about two seconds. I have about five assignments I have started and am ahead of for classes, but I feel as though I could do more, even though none of them are due for about three weeks. Ok, the force is back to normal, she stopped barking-for now, which means the mailman has embarked onto the next street. My mind is racing with thoughts, I had a dream that I was the protector of the library and I blasted about ten people who didn't pay their fines or lost books and weren't willing to buy the book. OK, yes this sounds silly, but I library fines are serious business and need to be taken seriously... I also dreamed that I was knitting a bridge across a river... no clue where that came from. And the force has changed again... the dog is like a jedi she can feel the change and then runs from window to window trying to figure out what is causing said change. My eyes are crossing so its a good time to stop typing... excuse the random thoughts, but Nyquil is some serious stuff and this is the result of it.

Be kind.

Got to have FAITH

Sometimes you are faced with choices that are hard to make. Do I want to take the easy way out and just walk away, or do I "stick it to the MAN" and potentially walk away with nothing in the end?  This is what I am faced with at the moment, and it's weighing on me very heavily. I feel like I should take the moral high ground and continue my fight for what is right and finally get people to be accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am stuck thinking about the material gain I potentially get from this with the "stick it to the MAN." aspect. SO i posed the question is it better to choose the material gain and walk away, still knowing that justice was not served, or do I continue the struggle and hope for the best possible outcome?  Is there a plan that I am supposed to know about? Or is this one of those moments in life where you just have to have faith and know that what you are doing is in good faith and it will all work out for the best.  I am new to the whole faith deal, so walking into something blindly is hard for me to do and I am taking everything into consideration.  This is potentially the biggest decision I have had to make to date and might be the biggest I face in a long time. I am going to leave this up to faith and know that whatever happens I am still a stronger version of the person that crumbled and broke down six months ago!

Be kind today.

Beautiful Ride

I have a card on my bulletin board that says "Life is  Beautiful Ride." Really? This by no means is meant to be a Debbie Downer, but is life really that great everyday, for everyone? Nope. Some days suck more than others and sometimes you just have a bad day. Does that make life horrible, well it depends. I would say that if you have more bad days then good, yeah life kinda sucks for you and that ride isn't as pretty for you. If you have a horrible day here and there then ok, life isn't that bad for you. Like  right now, I am bored out of my mind, I have been waiting for my classes to start- I am completed homework readings and assignments for the first three weeks of class- and I am calling everyone in my family to talk to them. Is this a bad day, yeah kinda...boredom can lead to a bad day, where you just don't want to do anything. Is this one day of boredom and lazy feeling going to make my life ugly, not really, but it is a blemish on what is otherwise the beautiful skin of life. MY life skin is a little blemished from the bad days I had over the last few years, but guess what? I have super strength zit cream that is clearing it up pretty well. If I have learned anything over the last year, you don't dwell on the small stuff and you celebrate the big things in life. That is what makes life truly beautiful.

Be kind today.

Children and why I may never have any....

Disclaimer...I like children of all ages, newborn through high school. Hell I teach high school students, I even like them. Please as a parent do not take this as an attack on you as parents or that I hate your children. I have many friends who have children that I like. Just wanted to throw that out there before you read any further.

About a year ago my then boyfriend (now husband) were sitting on the couch watching the cheerios commercial with the adorable little mixed girl on, and I turned to him and said "We could have one of them someday?" I have referred to children as "it", "them", "curtain crawlers-thanks to my father, I love this one!", "Little shrunken adults", "aliens" and "monsters." To be honest I like children from a far, if they can go home to their parents and I don't have to deal with them I like them. Being a teacher I honestly do love my students, but the best thing is at the end of the day, they go home! (No really I care about my students A LOT!!!)

Working in a high school gives you perspective on having children. You get to see what the "cute little people" will become and sometimes it's not pretty. Teaching can be the best birth control ever invented. You encounter great kids and then not so great kids. The not so great kids, most of the time I could win them over with my wit and sarcasm, but then they would turn around and act a fool in another class just after telling me they would be good. See as a teacher I can smell and see bull shit before it has even hit the fan. I have a sixth sense for it. Now its not just the children that are good at demonstrating why I do not want and or need children in the foreseeable future...the parents also give me a glimpse of why I don't want children.

Parents seem very happy when their children are small and have limited motor skills and can't talk back to them. They think its cute to post pictures of their children at various stages of their development for all the family and friends to share in on the joy of childhood. But there seems to be a shift in the paradigm once the child can walk, talk and take a shit on their own. Parents don't look happy once their children hit puberty. And again, teaching high school I can understand why they don't look happy. Teenagers can drain the life out of you. Parents that end up with the "bad" kids are often clueless to the fact that their child is actually as bad as the teachers say they are. Parents with the "good" kids will drive the teacher mad with all the stupid crap they try to pull to make sure their child stays on top. Parents become just as bad as the children...no wait its where they learn these self-serving, I deserve the world and I am better than everyone else and I am going to challenge everything you say mentalities that drive me mad!

I have been seeing all the pictures of children's first day of 3rd grade, kindergarten, etc...and yes that is cute. But come on its just the first day of school! My parents didn't take a damn picture of me and my sisters going off to school, you know why-because its just school!  Again if you do these things its fine, its your thing, but I am just voicing my opinion. No harsh feelings, I can take it or leave it, its just not for me.

My parents are blessed that they have 7 grandchildren now, and with my twin falling in love with all the babies she works with, they might get 8 out of the whole deal. But as for me, I don't really see it in my future.I don't like doing laundry now for two people, I can't imagine having to do more laundry to accommodate children-since I guess you have to put them in clean clothes everyday.

Children are wonderful and I love teaching them, but I love it when they go home too. I do not have the gene that tells you want to be a mommy when you grow up, and I am happy that I don't. I can't see myself enjoying poop and being peed on and laughing about it. YUCK! It's not for me and to be honest I am getting older and I like just having dogs, they do their own thing, they are happy if I throw  a ball and walk them around the block. They live a simple life and that is for me.

Children are great as long as I don't have to raise them and they go home with their parents after my time has expired with them. Again this is not a bash on parents and children, just my thoughts. Enjoy your life and I will enjoy my childless life- to each their own.

Be kind today.

content

I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am CONTENT. The stars are aligning just right to push away the negative things and people in my life and bringing forth things and people in my life that need to be there.  It is not easy to say these words. For me, it has taken 32 years to be able to say this without a bit of sarcasm attached to the words. Through my treatment and basically getting my shit together to understand that its not me that was the problem it was the environment I was in that was bringing me down. I am not passing the blame, a lot of pressure was my own doing, but I learned to stop aspiring to perfection. There is no such thing and I won't ever be perfect. I have evolved into someone that allows things to roll off her shoulders and I have learned not to stress over small things. I will continually evolve, but I will be content with the outcome. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, I am better! I will not be the same person 3 years from now...and that is ok. Haven't yet decided if I am going to be Dr. Hatley, Dr. Hatley-Boone or just Dr. Boone. No matter what I choose I will be content with my choice.

Be kind today.

Extremely Hard

It is hard for someone like myself to see the good that is in the world, when a lot of the time my mind is set to negative mode. It's not that I think there isn't good out there, its just that the wiring in my brain are a little mixed up and confused about what is really going on. I have been trying for the last two years to get my mind in order to where I can function at my level of "normal." Now I use that word loosely because there is no such thing as normal, but I use it to describe my world without anxiety, panic and depression. I use it to describe getting through a day with more good feelings than bad ones. I use it to describe how I can truly find joy in the things that I loved before the wires got mixed up. My "normal" is not your normal and that is fine. My "normal" is just that, me being me and accepting that I am a work in progress. It is extremely hard to have my "normal" everyday, but I am working as hard as I can to have my "normal" more often than not. I wish that people would try to understand that I am not going to be roses and clowns...that is not me. I am sarcastic, intense and overall a dark person, but a dark person that wants to feel happy most of the time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and being the debbie downer I feel that I can be sometimes. That is the thing with mental illness, you sometimes don't realize how much of a downer you really are, but if you do realize it, it only makes you want to work harder to change that about you. My "normal" is extremely hard to achieve, but I don't give up. I have been working on it for awhile and am getting closer to having more "normal" days.

Be kind

Silence

There are a lot of things that I really want to say to people about things they say, do etc. But you know what I have learned sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Practice some restraint and use the wisdom that God gave you and just say nothing. This is rather hard this day in age, when you can be so passive in the way things are said. Social media has made it easy to hide behind words that you probably wouldn't say in person.

Try this... just be silent when someone says or acts in a way that is contrary to your beliefs. Silence sometimes is the best way to tell someone you disapprove of what they are doing or saying. It cuts like a knife. They think you are gone, but really you are just waiting for karma to catch up to them and then you will know that your silence was for not. It's kind of like your a ninja and who doesn't want to be a ninja?

Be kind

Life Changes

No these are not the life changes my mom has been talking about for the last few years, those are hormonal changes...but I feel like I have hot flashes all the time! She swears its just the medication, but that has yet to be determined.

How many times in one's life do things not work out the way you had it all planned out? Well, for me I am going to say that over the last three years nothing has really worked out the way I planned them. I got a great job, fell in love, was diagnosed, lost that great job-no sarcastic and or rude comments will be made about the "incident" but I will take a millisecond to think them in my head...ok back to work, decided to go back to school for my Phd and got married just about a week ago. Now that is a lot happening in three years, but I am still here.

If I have learned anything from this, and this has a lot to do with the life talks my mother gives me on the phone when I call her (mind you I have to listen to these as they are terms of the conversation agreement I signed back when I was born.) She has told me everything happens for a reason and a season and I think I have mentioned this before. I am in the season of things are looking up and as she liked to point out to me, I have an amazing man (now husband) standing at my side through all of this. She also tells me that if I just stay positive anything is possible. She is the person that gave me the backbone that I stand tall with today, because she was given that same backbone by her mother and subsequent Davis women before her. I am as my mother likes to call me a "drama queen" and I didn't see this till this past year. After going through the incident, I thought my world was over. But in reality my life was just beginning. I have made life changes that have only benefited me and I am glad that she was along for the ride with me. Of course I am also happy to have a great man who has been there for the good, bad and the ugly with me as well. There are still so many more life changes that will occur in my life, but I know a few things will stay constant; family, close (real) friends and the strength I have to keep moving onward and upward.

Be kind today.

Generous

I have been around several people that have totally changed my mind about how truly wonderful people can be towards others. They have opened their hearts to me without any questions asked. I have been knitting with several ladies and attending a small group for awhile (still having a hard time going to church- way too many people- but that is a work in progress).  They have all been so warm and inviting that I can't help but wonder why would anyone be so generous to someone they barely know?  I am amazed at the generosity of people that I have only known for a bit and how loving they are. For a person that suffers from depression and anxiety, it is wonderful to have people around you that are so inviting and open minded about getting to know who you are. They put you at ease and make it easy to be around them.
When I go knitting on Mondays its a time for me to sit and listen to the stories these ladies have to share about their lives. I don't talk much, but that is ok, they don't mind. Same for the small group. I am there to be around people that have something I can learn from. They offer advice and I sit and soak it all up.  When my friend sent me a text message and it had a picture of the cake she made me, I teared up...she is one of the kindest people I know and I am happy that I have gotten to know her over time. After spending time with her and several other people I can finally say I have FRIENDS here and that warms my heart. I hope that I can learn to be as generous as they have been towards me.

Thank you and be kind today.

I am...

I am...

1. A teacher. My mother is a tough lady and I get my teaching personality from her and I wouldn't want it any other way. (May not be in the classroom currently, but this is the vocation I was called to do and I love it!)

2. A partner in the best relationship ever. He has been there for the good and I didn't scare him away when it was bad...so he's a keeper.

3. A creative force to be reckoned with.

4. A twin, and the youngest of four girls. (my father got a lot of  "wow, how do you deal with a house full of women?" when we were growing up.)

5. A student. Going back to school is what I have wanted for awhile and everything that happened to make it possible is a blessing in disguise.

6. A daughter to the best parents a girl could ask for. They have been with me through the ups and downs of my diagnosis and they have always just said to me, " I love you and want the best for you."

7. A friend. I have learned over the last few months that people are meant to be in your life for a reason. For those people that have disappeared there is a reason. As my mother says, "People come and go in your life for a season and a reason." I believe this to be true. I have gotten close to several wonderful women over the last few months.

8. A big kid at heart. (I will laugh at farts and burps like a 10 year old...can't help it.)

9. An advocate for mental illness. So many people suffer and don't feel they can tell their story, but they are not alone. 

10. A descendant of great black women. Even though I might not look like it, I am trust me. I come from a line of women (Mamie Davis) that didn't put up with BS and my mother has taught us that we are strong and can do anything we put our mind to. IF anyone tries to stop me, I am naturally going to give them the evil eye and continue about my business. 

11. A sarcastic siren. I have the best poker face and could sell poop to a man in a white suit. ( I get it from my father.)

12. A closeted Christmas shirt,sweater and sock hoarder. Well now you know.

13. A lover all 80's movies. They make me happy and that's all that needs to be said.

14. A person that has bad days but the good days are happening more and more.

15. A woman that is finally finding out who she is and loving every minute of it.

So who are you? What role(s) do you play in your life? Are you happy with all of them, or is there something  you would like to change? Everyone is unique in their own right and I would rather have people around me that are different that cookie cutter molds of the same person. Be yourself, because it's beautiful!

Be kind today.

Words Hurt

Let me first throw out a disclaimer...I am speaking of no one in particular, just blanket statements based on what I have observed.

I read an article recently that stated that if more people had a positive view of mental illness then it could actually help the person's treatment. Once we lift the stigma of mental illness we can start to heal the wounds that people don't see. Yes, there are PHYSICAL wounds on mental illness, even though many people like to believe it just "in their heads", and why can't "they just move past it." Besides there being physical issues that come with having a mental illness, there are emotional ones as well. People like to through around the word "crazy" a lot. I am guilty of it myself. I have since come to realize that by using certain words to describe a person with mental illness can leave a lasting effect on the person's well being. I have seen this first hand and even dealt with it myself. People treat you differently once you tell them you have a mental illness. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and panic disorder for the better part of my life. It wasn't until last year I was diagnosed with a slew of things that made me realize I am different and that is ok. I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to handle things the way that others do. But I don't need people to constantly point things out to me. I know I am doing things in a different way, I know that I react to things differently, but that does not make me "crazy." I am who I am and I am ok with that.  I worked in an environment where people would call others "crazy" all the time. (Again, guilty.) Today, I wish I would have stepped up and said that is not funny, but truly offensive. If calling someone a C*** or B&^&* or even using the N-word, then calling a person with any type of mental illness crazy should be seen just as offensive and insensitive.

I have had to step back from many people who have treated me like a leper because of my diagnosis, but have also learned that people will love me for me and accept that I have limits to what I am able to do.  It's not easy telling people what you suffer from, but if they are truly meant to be in your life then, they will be there after you lay it all out on the table. Once the stigma is lifted I feel that people that do suffer from mental illness will not be ashamed of who they are and be willing to share more with the people around them. We are wired differently and that is just fine. No two people are the same and we need to remember that. Words are just as powerful as a blade, some don't realize that they hurt just as much.

Be kind today.

Failure to Launch

In the last few years I have noticed that our society is not willing to tell people when they truly SUCK at something. I saw this first hand teaching, tv reality shows and really all over. We teach our young ones that everyone can be a STAR, WINNER or the PRESIDENT. No sorry to burst your bubble but this is not true. I am not saying don't go after your dreams but at some point there needs to be a time in your life when you know that you are not going to be the next LeBron or Steve Jobs. Either someone needs to tell you or you just realize it on your own. Having big dreams are great, but make they achievable. You will fail in your life at things and that is perfectly ok. I don't see failure as a bad thing, it allows us to change things and come back better than before. That is the problem with society, we don't want our children to know about failure, even though it is apart of being human. My sisters and friends all have small children and they have at one point will or have played in some type of little league sports. THEY DON'T KEEP SCORE!!!! What? Sorry but there ARE winners and losers in everything we do as human beings. You know the parents are keeping score, so why shouldn't we introduce the children to reality early on?

Failure is not a bad thing, and as a teacher I know that it is a motivator. In the classroom, if a student fails a test, it tells them that they need to actually listen to me when I am talking and work a little harder. It's not my fault Billy or Suzie failed the test, they did that all on their own, so they need to work a little harder next time to do better. I can only give them the information I can't take the test for them. Parents get so upset if their child doesn't do well in a class... hello maybe your child isn't as smart or doesn't apply themselves as much as you think. Stop coddling them and let them taste failure first hand. Don't go to administration and whine about the teacher. Stop blaming everyone else for your failure to make your child work hard, and your child's failure to work hard. (end rant on the educational system and parents)

In this world there are people that will become the next big star, the doctor the lawyer, teacher, police officer, bus driver and even President. None of these are any better than the next. I don't care what you do in the world as long as you are a good person and add to society. So, all you trash persons, plumbers, and bartenders...I THANK YOU, as much as I thank the POTUS. (president of the united states) Some people know from an early age what they want to do with their life, and that is wonderful. Sometimes you end up in a place you never thought you would be, but you make the best of it. Remember its not about what you do, but whether or not you feel good about what you are doing. If you enjoy what you do- no matter what it is- then you are a WINNER. Just because you failed at one thing, doesn't mean you will fail at something else, but we have to let failure happen.  JUST LET IT HAPPEN!!! Its a part of life, don't take it away or shield your children from it. (As a non-parent, I would say teach your children about failure at a young age, so you don't end up seeing them on TV thinking they are the next Mirah Carey.)

Be kind and remember failure is not a bad thing.

Wooden Nickels

My mother sent me a text yesterday warning me about wooden nickels and how I shouldn't pick them up. At first I thought to myself...ok did she get into the blueberry wine again! So I asked for clarification and here is what I got: Watch out for FAKE-NESS.  I started to think about this a little more and said to myself, I have purged my life of everything and anything that is fake. So then I continued to ask questions and of course my mother had a dream. Now if you know my mother and her dreams they often come true and you should adhere to her wisdom wholeheartedly. So, what is fake in  my life...well to start out my health is fake. I have lived in a lala land of believing that I am 100% for far too long. I realized yesterday and over the weekend that I have been picking up wooden nickels for a long time and there was no bank that was willing to cash them in. So in other words, momma was right in telling me this yesterday and I know that change is coming for the better and all I have to do is avoid any more of those oh so appealing wooden nickels.

Be kind.

Sick and Tired

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to wake up one morning and not have a feeling that I could stay in bed all day everyday. I don't want to have to push myself to be productive, I want to be able to take what people are saying and actually hear the words they are saying. I don't want to continually put a negative spin on everything that is offered in front of me. I just want to live my life without complication and the motivation to actually live life. At this point the motivation is waning...its to the point that last week and this weekend was the first time I thought about just running away from everything. That everything in my life is just too much to handle and there seems to be no way of making any of it better. I know that isn't true of course, but really when will it get better. Yes, things have improved greatly and the reason I haven't written in a few weeks is because I was feeling so down on myself that I literally had nothing to say, but in fact yesterday I found I had more than I thought. I am physically and emotionally tired and sick of feeling this way. Is this the way its going to be  my entire life? Will I ever get better to the point that I actually enjoy everything I did before I was hit with this enormous blow to the head? I just know that after this weekend I am tired of being sick and tired and I know I just have to push myself even harder, harder than most people, to be happy and healthy. It stinks but its the way it is, one day I hope that I can say that the harder I pushed the better I got.

Be kind.

Nothing to say...

I think I am all talked out. There are days that since I talk for a profession I don't want to talk anymore when I get home for awhile. Over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I am done talking. Its not that I am done talking about and expressing how I feel, I have just progressed into the next phase of my treatment. I don't need a group setting anymore and that is ok. I have plenty to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied in a healthy way. I just think I am all talked out and have nothing to say anymore twice a week. We had discussed this earlier, and I am to that point of I think I am ready to move on. I have this week left and then I think I am strong enough to move on...its just that change is hard to do and this is something that needs to be done. I don't like using crutches and I have used this for long enough. It was useful to me when I needed it but its time to move on. I have nothing left to say so Its best to move on to the next thing. School will start up soon and that will keep me busy so I have no worries about that. Its the unknown that could make someone crazy, but then again its also the unknown that is super exciting and I am looking forward to to. Though I might have nothing to say in group therapy anymore, I have plenty to say to the world I live in and will do so when prompted.

be kind.

Perfect World

If I lived in a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about paying bills, worry about finding a part time job while I am in school and a dozen other things. Is there such thing as a perfect world, or are we all just living in a world that is average? I actually like the idea of living in a non-perfect world. It takes the stress off of me and having to live up to an ideal that I am not able to obtain. I am willing to forgo everything thing that would come with it being perfect, if I can just live my life the way I have been over the last few months. I can sit outside and enjoy what the nature has to offer me in the way of beauty, I can visit friends and experience the world through average eyes and not perfect ones. Its like having sunglasses on and I like it.

Short and sweet, be kind and enjoy the day.

Bad Day

It seems that in my world people are more sensitive to me having a bad day. They think something traumatic has to happen for me to have a bad day. I want to say I am just like everyone else and I am ALLOWED to have a bad day. I am allowed to sleep till noon and stay in my PJs all day. It's fine. The problem is I am different, from everyone else's bad days. I unfortunately am wired to have more bad days than good days.  I struggle some days just to get out of bed, but I force myself almost everyday of the week to get out of bed and do something constructive during the day. This not only allows me to prevent multiple bad days, but it puts those bad days into perspective for me. They aren't really bad days, they are my lazy days. I have chosen today not to exercise, stay in my PJs and sleep till noon, because I CAN. Tomorrow I will get up exercise and have a great day because I know that my one lazy day is ok to have. I allow myself to be me and if I need a day off I take it. I allow myself to say its ok not to be active one day out of the week and I give myself permission to enjoy my lazy days. If it weren't for the my conscious telling me that I have to get out of bed and do something, I would have more bad days than I would normally allow. Again, my brain is hardwired to have more bad days and once that bad lazy day starts it can spiral into a bad day that can last a week or even longer. It's a struggle that I will have to deal with my entire life but I am determined to have more GOOD days than BAD days.

Be kind today.

You've got a friend in me

This weekend I will get to see someone who I haven't seen in almost 6 years...could be longer. She is my college roommate and I love her like a sister. She has been there for me through the good, bad and oooooohhhhh so ugly. She is a rock when you need her to be and a the sweetest person if you need that. I love this girl with all my heart and know that no matter how long we have been apart, or even if we don't talk for awhile, we pick right back where we left off when we see/talk to each other. I have apologized to her husband and my SO already for the crazy that will ensue when we see each other. There may be interpretive dance, singing out of key, tons of college flashbacks, and yes HUGS!!!! I am not a crying person but she could get me to shed a tear or two when I step onto her front steps.

The first time she went home with me for spring break, she busted her ass on treadmill down in my mom's basement. She has busted me out on speakerphone to my mom about several things (momma you know what I am talking about-VHS tape.) We took a shot of "mr. bumpy face" before walking in our college commencement. We never missed a PJ party for BSA, even though they were a hot mess.  Out of all this, she has always made me laugh. We are thick as thieves and will always be. Our lives are completely different, she is the mother of two beautiful little boys, works full time and is married to a great guy.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy, no kids (and none on the horizon until I stop calling children "it" or "curtain crawlers- this one courtesy of my father.) and I am going back to school. Though we took different paths, we still have one thing in common, we love laughing and hanging out together.

Over the last year I have been absent from a lot of people's lives. It was my year to fix me and then work on fixing the relationships I have hurt through stepping out of the picture. Well, like I said she is a rock, no matter what I say or do, I know she has my back. I know that I have will always have a friend in this woman!

Library

I have always loved libraries. The smell of books make me crazy...maybe its because there are so many stories to tell from each book. I loved going back in the stacks in college and riffle through all the books in the history section or any section for that matter. People thought I was crazy when I would leave with 15 books at once. (I was a history major so 15 books is on the low end.) I don't know what it is but whenever I visit or live in a place I want to visit the library. I think you can tell a lot about a community's values in how well they keep their library. Sounds silly, but its true. Is the library up to date, do they have a connection with other libraries to get books they may not have, etc. It basically says "we value education and helping bring the imagination alive for the people that live here." No this could be total bias, but I really think that is true. Well, in all honesty it is complete bias, because I am what people would call a "Forever Student." I am going back to school this fall and I can't wait to set foot in the college libraries around here. I know this sounds silly, but I want to see what this community really values for its young people. I want to see if they are truly putting in the investment they need to.  If I walk in there and its mostly computerized I might cry. If I don't get to use a microfiche I might faint. I had a personal relationship with all the librarians at my college, they could get me anything I asked for. For my senior thesis they were able to get me books that were out of print and in special collections, along with several articles from journals that aren't even distributed in this country!!! They are my rock stars...let's hope  i have the same experience in my new libraries. :)

Be kind and go to the library-read a book.

Mail....

My dog barks at the mailman every single day like clockwork. I would be surprised if she missed a day. On Sundays she begs for the front windows to be opened so she can have something to bark at. I was thinking about the mail yesterday when I was having a conversation with someone...We live in a society that is very connected and many people have a hard time sitting down to even talk without looking at their phones. I am amazed just driving around town, how I will see all of the passengers on their phones and no one is talking to each other. Its the same thing when I go out to eat. I say all of this, as I want you to be connected to my blog and read the shit out of it...but this is in a good way. Its about the personal feeling you get when you check your mail and its a physical piece of mail. I am lucky that my twin likes postcards so I get one about once a month. I love getting mail. It makes you feel special, like someone out there cared enough to send you something. My mom sends me coupons... and I love it. I think its mainly about slowing down and taking the time out to put the phone down and disconnect for a bit. Try it you might like it. Heck write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in awhile. Make them smile when they check their mail this week. Slow down and take time to reconnect with people and not a device that you hold in your hand.

Be kind.

Ready

How do you know if you are truly ready to move from one place in your life to the next? Is it just something that happens and you don't even realize it, or is it a conscious choice to actually take the next step in your life? I have been thinking about this for the last few days. How do you know you are ready for anything that might come your way? Are we ever really ready for the changes that come at us or are we just supposed to go with the punches? I for one do not take change well. I like things constant, and I am sure many of you are like that. Change can be good but it's scary! So scary that I have resisted change for the better in my life for more than a year. I finally had to change because I had hit the bottom and there was no where else to go. If you are forced to change and take the next step/stage in your life does that mean that you no longer have a say in how things in your life go from this point on? I know this is a lot of questions, but think about it...do you lose control of your life when something forces you to change when you really aren't ready? Change can come in a quick flash or sneak along like a snail. My change at first was a flash and this current, pleasant change, thanks to the "incident", has been at a snail's pace. I actually don't mind the pace it has taken to get to where I am today. I am less stressed and more willing to be an active participant in my life and others around me. I am ready to move to the next stage in my life, which I thought would come after 20 years of teaching, but its coming much earlier. I am headed off on a journey to get my Phd and I am so READY for it. I am READY to be the person I always thought I could be and more. I am READY for CHANGE.

be kind to others and be ready for anything!

I'm a little Dutch Girl...

In honor of Father's Day, I thought I would write a little bit about my father. Yes, I really call him father. (I also refer to him as old man too, but father is what comes out most of the time.)  My father is a funny man, and most people wouldn't even know that because he is a quite man. I am the baby and my father has been there for me whenever I have needed him. He let me move back in with him while I was getting my Master's and student teaching and has been very supportive since the "incident."  The greatest thing he has done for me in the last few months is just say nothing. I have a very critical family, whom I love very much, but they can bite with their words sometimes. My family can compliment you and insult you in one breath, and then make you laugh about it with them. (Don't get me wrong I love this crazy bunch more than anything, but as they like to say, I am very sensitive.) Anyhoo, so my father has been critical of me in the past, "why did you get those tattoos?", "Are you sure you want to take that job?", "You need to lose some weight." Yep, again this is all said with a smile...but in the last two months he just hugs me and says I love you and that is it. The last time I saw him, he hugged me and said I want you to get better and I know you will. I am sitting here crying as I write this, because my father is not a man of much emotion, so this was big for him. My sisters can contest to this...I think it was when we were adults he started saying I love you. He is still a man of few words.

In our childhood, our father would do some pretty funny things. Seriously, it was like he took notes from Bill Cosby on how to make your children laugh. He would walk into a room as my twin and I were playing with a friend, put a dishrag on his head along with a blossom hat and say "I'm a little Dutch girl, can I come and play?" Mornings in my house, if you read about my mother, consisted of her vacuuming at 6 am, and my father singing a morning song. To this day he will bust out in song about whatever he is doing. I do the same thing. In fact I sang the "happy birthday" song to Ryan this morning. In the recent years since the passing of my dog Lilah, who loved my father and chose him as her human, he has started creating elaborate stories of the dogs. They like to leave "crime scenes" for him when he comes home from work. Sampson is typically the witness and Ali McBeagle is the culprit. This last week has been a story of the smhoos, they are a friendly cartoon character, in foam form that hold your cell phone on a desk. He has been sending me stories of what they are doing and pictures as well. I think the last one was Smhoos as Whoopi Goldberg talking on the View.... and it goes from there. My father may be quite but he has a huge imagination and I love him for that. I get my creativity from him and I thank if for that. I doodle because he doodles, I sing because he sings, I vacuum because, no wait my mom vacuums.

So, to all the fathers out there love your daughters because that is how they know how a man should treat them when they get older. If your father is not with you, they are looking down on you and I am sure they are proud. If your father wasn't  in your life, he missed out on someone great!

Be kind and give dad a hug!!!

Hickory Point Bank...

I was thinking about to when I lived in Blue Mound Illinois and worked in Decatur with two loverly ladies. (Amanda and Ashleigh) Well there are two stories that popped into my head instantly when thinking about my time at the bank. The first being mine and Amanda's introduction to the two most stinky and dirtiest people I have ever come in contact with. It was a  middle aged man and his mother...they literally could be smelled coming up to the bank. Well, we would take turns on who would help them, then everyone else would file into the vault room and spray air freshner into  a fan that was pointed towards the poor soul that had to wait on them. I swear they told us stories of bugs crawling across the counter. It got to the point that we knew he would be taking out the same amount of money each time and we would just have it ready and waiting for him and his lovely momma  so all we had to do was count it out. It was a smell that if I think hard enough about it, I can smell it now. (slight vomit in mouth.)

This story is a tad bit gross so this is your disclaimer if you want to stop reading now.
Amanda went to lunch and came back a bit early so she could use the restroom and relax before her lunch hour was up. She comes back from the bathroom and can't stop laughing...here is what she went through while in the restroom:
In the stall next to her she hears another woman say, " Oh god.", followed but "oh NO!" and then that was it. Now that alone could make a person chuckle. While Amanda is washing her hands, a Walmart employee comes in (the bank was inside the store) and heads to the stall next to Amanda. She opens the door and I believe Amanda said a few choice words came out of her mouth... the woman cursed and said "Oh my god!" Now of course if you hear this you are going to want to take a peek, as gross as it is. In Amanda's own words, " It was like someone paint balled the entire back of and sides of the stall." I will let that digest with you and give you the visual. Let's just say the bathroom was closed for most of the afternoon.

I loved working with these two girls, we laughed everyday, until a new boss and her friend invaded our space. (Remember the dolphin trap stamp ladies?) Those were good times and they still make me laugh just thinking about them. I miss them, but I get to see how their lives are going on facebook so that is a good thing. :)

Be kind and laugh today!

Birthday

My SO's birthday is this Friday. I am grateful that I am able to share this day with him. Honestly, I feel like its my birthday everyday that I am with him. He makes me feel like the happiest woman in the world. But Friday starts the his Birthday Week. We will be in STL on Saturday to also celebrate, and I want to show him how much of a nerdy girlfriend he really has. We will be going to see A Prairie Home Companion at the Fox. First let me say this is a birthday gift from my father to Ryan. But some might see it as a birthday gift to me from my father and he is thankful that he doesn't have to go with me and sit in the tiny seats, so in that way its a gift to my father. Did that make sense? In my head there is a mind map that outlines it perfectly. Hopefully, he enjoys it, he is getting older so I think he will be able to fit in with the geriatric group, we might be the youngest people there.  (I jest he isn't that old!)  Its live radio and I am just geek out about it, so he will get to see another layer of his never ending complex girlfriend. Where was I going with this....oh yeah so its its birthday and I am super excited that he is sharing it with me. He is my rock and has been there through everything and continues to be there for me. So, on Friday I start the celebration of the day of his birth for a man that deserves the world and much more. Happy Birthday Penguin.

Nothing

Sitting on my deck yesterday with the sun shining and a slight breeze I sat there and did NOTHING. It was the most relaxing thing ever. I just say there in silence and watched and listened to nature. I finally say my hummingbird I have been waiting for-due to the silence I was practicing. And that brings me to my point of the day, if you have NOTHING to say stay silent. If you just want to say something because that is what is expected of you try keeping your mouth shut and say NOTHING. In this society we are taught to have "small talk" with people, but in my mind its pointless and truly uncomfortable for me. I start a conversation and then it just stops and I feel awkward since I really have NOTHING to say to this person standing in front of me. I would rather say nothing, there will be days when my SO would be at work and I wouldn't say one word till he got home. I don't mind not talking its easy to do. My profession required me to talk for 8 hours a day, so not having to say anything is a blessing to me. Please don't take it as an insult if I don't talk to you, its just easier for me and my anxiety to say nothing. I have been working on it, but it still creeps up and I just say NOTHING.

Did you hear me?

Over the last year I have had to LEARN how to listen to what people really say. I heard a lot of promises of support and do what you need to and we will be there for you, but in the end guess what that is not what they really said.
Instead they said, " you're a problem and we need to get rid of you." If I would have heard this from the start I think I would have been able to fight a little better when the "incident" took place. (Refer to previous post for a definition of the incident.)  I have also learned that many people say things that they do not mean. I would rather have one true friend who is going to be honest than 50 who are going to blow smoke up your ass. People that are still in contact with me to this day are there because they say what they mean and mean what they say. I shouldn't need someone to interpret what has just been said, but three months ago, I needed about five interpreters. Today, I look back on it and laugh a little bit, partly because "Karma is a bitch and her sisters name is Joy."  I heard what they really had to say that day and it wasn't pretty, but I am going to turn those negative words into power to fuel me into my next life endeavor. Negative words wound, but they can ignite a fire that can be seen for miles and won't burn out till it has consumed those negative words and turned them into a positive.

Be kind to people this weekend and really try to say what you mean!

Bigger Plan

Yesterday confirmed for me that are BIGGER things out there for me. Last night I went to small group and we were talking about plans that God has for you. You may not know what it is just yet but there is a plan. Now I don't care what faith you are but I teach world history and almost every religion I teach talks about there being a higher plan for you.  I was accepted into the PHd. program and that confirmed the path I was to take for the next two years. I am looking forward to being a student again. It has been a long 3 months since the "incident" (that is what I am going to refer to it as, since its better than calling it "the bullshit the school pulled on me.") Anyway, so back to my plan. So the plan for the next two years is to complete my course work. After that we will just have to see. I am not going to say what if anymore, or question what is going to happen. I used to plan like crazy months in advance and to be honest not having a plan has been the best thing for me. Yes, there is a path now for me to embark on but its not the complete PLAN that is laid out for me, that will come in time. Yes, I have to make arrangements for what is going to happen when my health insurance runs out, yes I am going to have to make arrangements to get unemployment after my last paycheck but none of this is a plan its just something that I have to do in order to make ends meet. I am hopeful for the future even though I don't know what it holds, and that is refreshing. I don't have to know/control what happens I have to live in the now and take things as they come. And trust me I know there is much BIGGER PLAN for me.

Good Book

Since its been raining for about two weeks now and there is no sunlight in my near future...its time to get started on my summer book-polloza!  I have one book that I a almost finished with "the Other Boleyn Sister", that has turned out surprisingly good. I have several Agatha Christy books to start. My favorite happen to be the mustache investigator Poirot. I also have some non-fiction on my list: Guns, Germs and Steel, mainly because I want to develop a lesson plan around it. (look even though I am not teaching I still think of things to do in the class-soon enough) I might even go back and read several books I finished in the past. I will hold off on Atlas Shrugged, but The Fountainhead is getting good. Anyhoo... coffee is hot and the rain is hitting the roof, its time to curl up and read.

Be kind and read a book.

Weighing In

Over the last year I have been struggling with my weight. Thanks to the wonderful medicine I have been taking, which has greatly improved my life, I have gained weight. Gaining weight is easy, you don't even realize your doing it till your pants are just a little too tight and then you also see that you look like a sausage stuffed into a casing. Its bad all around. Once I was given the blessing of having time off, (a little bit of sarcasm is still left in me when I call it a blessing.) it gave me a chance to reassess where I am with my health. I am not a crazy crossfit person and will never be. (sorry to anyone who does it, but its just a little crazy.) I walk/jog on my treadmill, walk around the lake, do some weights and call it a day. I also decided that I am no longer going to be a slave to my scale. I have been working out five days a week, keeping track of what I eat, walking whenever I can, just to stay motivated/dedicated to my health. Once I stopped getting on that scale I was free. I stopped beating myself up over the fact that the number isn't changing. I know that transformation is happening. It is not going to be instant, and I have come to terms with that. I also have come to terms that I am not going to fit into a size 3 anymore. A size 8 is a happy place to be. For the first time I am pleased with the way I look. If Marilyn Monroe can look that great as a size 16, then hell I am going to put on my vintage swim suit, which came in the mail yesterday and lay out on my back deck and be content with me. The freedom I have from releasing myself from the scale has been liberating. No more weigh ins for me.

Be Kind today.

Simple Things

How do you take something so complex as lets say LIFE and make it as simple as possible. I will tell you how, you purge all the negative out of your life and surround yourself with people that are real. People that are negative are toxic to you and should be allowed to exit through the back door of your life. You don't need them, they only create chaos in your life. Everyone always says "well she/he is just a drama queen/king...they live to make life miserable." Hello, I don't want or need people like that in my life. I purged the day I was asked to resign from my teaching position.  I realized the people that said they cared and were pulling for me to get better weren't there when my professional career came to a grinding halt. I am not a problem that sweeps under the rug so easily...so lets just say I am still out in the open and making my voice heard about what was done to me. Anyway, back to my original thought...de-clutter your house, make a place that is peaceful and welcoming for you to block out all the negativity that is outside. Make your home your safe place. By taking all the clutter (people and things) out of your life that only make it more complex you cleanse yourself of bad karma. Karma is the idea that if you do good then good will fall upon you. So do good and surround yourself with people that do good. IF your "friends" are the cause of drama they aren't your friends!

Be kind, clean out a closet, purge your friend list if needs be, and surround yourself in the light.

Someday I will...

It's nice to think about the future so here is a list of what I hope to accomplish someday.
1. I will get my phd and show those haters what they are missing out on. (Yes there is a bit of anger in that statement, but it comes as a motivator to better myself.)
2. See both oceans. Maybe even dip my toe in them.
3. Teach at a university where I am able to be me.
4. Go back into the classroom with renewed faith that its for the students and its not about making the administrators and board members happy.
5. Help write legislation on why Common Core is the death of schools everywhere
6. Dance around with a tiara and sing out loud to my favorite songs.
7. Paint the dogs toenails without the SO thinking I am crazy.
8. Connect with more people, hardest thing in the world when you don't trust many.
9. Help others realize their potential.
10. Shake what my momma gave me...not on a table top momma sorry, too old for that!

These are things I will do in the near future, the future future, but I will do them. But for now, I am taking a day off from exercising, cleaning, and cooking and going back to bed to watch some shows on Netflix.

Have a great weekend and be kind to people you meet.

Adventures

Growing up in my house was never dull. What proceeds are several stories about my sister Takla and her ride or die best friend Misty. These are from my point of view so if there are any problems with the versions so sorry.
1. Here's the best part of the story and well really the whole story in itself...one of the kids nickname was "Nacho." Yes you read that right: "Nacho. " I believe my mom asked if his friends name was "Cheese." It only would make sense!
2. My sister had the pleasure of having my mom's old beat-up ford to drive around in during high school. This car was the color of dirt and well, it served its purpose my parents set out for it to do. Get her to and from school and that was it. Well, Misty and Talka decided one night they were going to go to STL for the night to go "clubbin." Let's just say the car knew they weren't supposed to be crossing the river and it broke down. Oh karma how funny you are.
3. Hands down the best is, if I remember correctly they said they were on a trip for school but they were actually hanging out at a hotel in Collinsville, which again the car knew it wasn't supposed to be. My parents got a tip off about this illegal trip and got me and my twin out of bed and we drown around to all the hotels looking for the car. I can't remember if we found the car or they just waited for them to come home the next day to "beat the stupid" out of them.

Well...as far as adventures go, those are the few I remember. I am sure they got into more trouble than our parents knew of.

Be kind today.

Take advantage

While sitting here typing and doing work, I noticed that there is a chipmunk that has been coming around the bird feeders lately. He started coming around when the squirrels started knocking my feeders down. While watching the little one climb and eat my bird food. He climbs the tree with precision and takes nothing from the cardinals that rule the roost in my backyard. See its not size that matters. (get your minds out of the gutters.) Its about how far you are willing to go to get what you want. Now I actually think the chipmunk works smarter than the squirrels. He climbs the tree to eat the suet, but he sits quietly below the feeders and waits for the squirrels to do all the hard work. He is strategic in his motions and doesn't care what the squirrels are doing. (one just knocked over another feeder just as I am typing. I am now going to have to figure out how to get out of my snuggie and kill some squirrels!!!)I really am going to have to figure out a way for these squirrels to keep off the feeders...they keep dumping it all out... one is perched on it now and just going to town. It is time like these that you know God has a sense of humor. Why else would he give these little rodents thumbs and those monkey like tails?? Go after what you want and get it, as long as you don't hurt anyone in the process. Be a little chipmunk and wait for the squirrels to do the hard stuff and then swoop in and do your bit. Sometimes you just have to take advantage of the work that others have done before you and work smarter not harder.

Be kind.

Quiet

I honestly have nothing really to talk about today. I have been quiet since I woke up this morning, so that is a clue that I don't particularly feel that great. I think just be silent worries people around me. They think something is really wrong if I am not talking! No really people I just want to be quiet and have nothing to really say about anything. That is a problem in the world: Everyone has something to say about everything. You know that golden rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, I am learning to keep that close to my heart most of the day. It is better for me to be quiet than speak. I would rather you think something is wrong with me than say something that could potentially cause problems after it has been said. And to be honest, I am not as opinionated as some would have you believe. So the basis of this is just keep your mouth shut when its not something that needs to be said. Now of course if something is happening that is unjust, cruel, etc. then by all means yell at the top of your lungs! But for now just be quiet.

Be kind to people today.

Dinner with the Family

Sitting down to dinner was mandatory in my family. We ate every meal together, and then we would clean up the kitchen and then relax for the rest of the afternoon. Being a military child we didn't question a lot that are parents TOLD us to do. It was a matter of how fast do they want said task done and can we accomplish the task.  Well dinner was a task. Here are just some of the rules we had to deal with:
*had to have our napkins in our laps
*had to use a knife to put things onto the fork, no fingers
*elbows were never allowed on the table-that was a NO-NO
*nothing to drink while you eat...because you of course would drink all your water as a six year old and fill up on water. (this rule was crazy, since they only allowed us to drink water. Don't even get me started on the Mamie Davis Hatley way of making Kool-aid.)
*you had to try everything on your plate- no wait you had to EAT everything on your plate. Even if asparagus were to induce vomiting, still had to eat it.
*IF you were luck, enough to get something stuffed in your napkin-it would be searched before you left the table.

Seriously, my parents weren't playing around. But looking back on it, I enjoyed those family meals we had. We talked, laughed, vomited, hid food, etc. Sitting down to dinner is almost a foreign thing in this society today. Children are over scheduled, parents are working long hours and there just seems to be no time to sit down together. If and when I have children, I will make it a point to sit down at the table every night, even if I am super busy. How else am I going to know what is going on in the world of my child if I don't talk to them? Dinner is perfect-you ask a question they answer, and then you can part some wisdom on them while their mouth is full and they can't respond. (trick done by Mr. and Mrs. Hatley)

Be kind today and have dinner with the family tonight. :)

Family Affair

My family is very interesting...we have a few quirks that I think make us pretty awesome. But I am biased since I am part of this family. First the makeup of the family is was pretty radical when it started, but has grown to be somewhat of a norm these days. I guess it was the late 70s when my parents got married, each having a child from a previous marriage. My oldest sister being Japanese American and my middle sister being African American. Oh yeah, my dad is white and my momma is black. I forgot to mention that. They met while stationed in Japan.  So right about 1981, my twin and I make an appearance into the world. We are a perfect blend of our parents and our ancestors. My great great g-ma on my mothers side was a slave with children by her master, my fathers family hails all the way from Europe. (and now my mom tells me there might even be Native American in our genes too...how exciting.)  But anyhoo, we blended nicely-we both have fair skin, deep blue eyes that change depending on what mood we are in, spiral hair, that is a deep auburn/black color. (my twin has chosen to color her hair and straighten it as where I don't color my hair and keep it natural.) Anyhoo, so here are some other reasons my family rocks:

1. As a child my parents would lie to us about Santa getting gifts mixed up (he is a hard working man and can't keep everything straight) only to find out that Santa can't hold his liquor and got a little drunk while wrapping the last of the gifts. We didn't put out milk for Santa it was always wine... it all makes sense now.
2. We watch Dallas as young children, not sure if this was appropriate for young children but we turned out ok.
3. While cleaning the kitchen after dinner, Takla- middle sister, would always disappear to the bathroom till everything was completed. She might still do this trick to this day.
4. Also, while cleaning the kitchen, we would, the girls turn the radio up loud and dance and sing to whatever song it was.
5. TO this day my twin, Aiisha,  middle sister and I can do interpretative dance of Ice Ice Baby.
6. The Cosby show was always on at 7 pm on Thursdays, no excuses.
7. My parents told us we were going to see a WHITE HORSE, and it was a pile of rocks. This was suppose to be a cultural excursion while living in England, but to a five year old, it SUCKED!
8. Paddington Bear the book was a hot topic in our house. Takla had to have the book and was forced to finish it. To this day there is debate whether or not she actually read it or was just moving the bookmark.
9. My oldest sister had the worst perm in her hair while in high school, wait a moment so did my middle sister. The older one had curly bangs and hair, but she has bone straight hair, so it didn't take so well. Takla had a fade that went at an angle and she even had a Z cut into the side of the fade.
10. My parents never made us think we were step/half sisters!

We grew up in a funny household, but I wouldn't change anything in the world for it. We were stared at as a family, but that did bother us too much. I just like to think that they were looking at a very handsome family and couldn't take their eyes off of us.

Be kind and tell the ones you love that you care for them!

Rare Books

Can we change the way people perceive us? Or are we doomed to have people  think the same thing about us for the rest of our lives... A friend sent me a link to a great article talking about this exact thing. Making friends out of enemies. It had something to do with how Benjamin Franklin turned an enemy into a friend just by asking him to "borrow a rare book." The person was so flattered that he would even ask, he was so friendly to him from that point on. Have you ever done this? My mother always says "Kill them with kindness." I feel that this is great advice. You should not give anyone a reason to think ill of you, but you can beat them at their own game if you really, really, have to. If needs be, ask to "borrow a rare book" and forever have that person eating out of your hands.

Be kind.

What If Factor

What if you:
1. Danced around tonight and sang at the top of your lungs to songs from when you were in high school
2. Ate breakfast for dinner or had dessert first
3. Called up an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile and reconnected
4. Told someone you are thinking of them and hope that everything is going ok for them
5. Smiled at everyone you met today
6. Held the door for someone, even if you had to wait a little bit for them to get to the door
7. Told your mom and dad thank you for raising you
8. Held the hand of you SO as you cross the street to enter the store
9. Sat down at the table and played a board game instead of watching tv tonight
10. Were the first to say "I'm Sorry" in an argument

What if you just lived your life for you and the people you loved, how great would that be? Do not become concerned about what others think of you. You are not on this earth for people to judge, you are on this earth to do something fabulous, so take the WHAT IFs and do them. No regrets in your life, you don't want to be sorry you never tried something because of the What If factor.

Be kind.

Destiny

Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, our actions become our character, our character becomes our destiny.- Gandhi

Think about this for a moment what is your destiny? Do you ever really know what it is while you are alive? I guess what Gandhi was saying was, your character means a lot to not only you but to the people around you and that is in an essence your destiny. How you treat, speak and act towards people becomes how your life will turn out. If you speak with king words, do kind things and think kind things then your character is kind. 
Now no one is perfect and its hard to say that I have NEVER thought a mean thing in my life. (trust me over the last few months, many horrible words have been thought and said about a particular group of people.) But I am human, you can't be perfect all the time. Do you really think Gandhi thought good things all the time...probably not, but he realized that his character was what people saw and that determined how his life was going to turn out. 
I guess he moral of the story is, think, speak, do kind things and your character for the most part will be kind. That is the destiny I wish for all of you, a kind one.

Go forth and spread the kindness.

Superhero Powers

Today is a do nothing day...which means I will do more than I planned on. I have learned over the last few months that if I want to do nothing that is completely FINE.  I do not have to be a superhero and do everything on my list of things to do, just to feel accomplished. In fact if I were a superhero my powers would be as follow:

1. Do nothing and still look cool doing it in my cape and leotard. (yes I am going old school with my costume.)
2. Be able to transport myself to destinations without driving...way faster.
3. Have the ability to tell BULLSHIT from the truth without the pain of believing the BULLSHIT.
4. Be able to be fearless in the face of conflict.
5. Overcome my fear of distrusting people and their motives towards me.
6. Master the art of small talk!
7. Blow glitter in the face of my enemies...it would just burst out of my special gloves that have glitter packs in them. Why glitter you might ask, 1. its hard to get off you, and 2. it will remind them of how SHINY my spirit really is.
8. Have a league of superheros that help others see their own strengths-superhero training.
9. Save the world. (this is every superheros duty...it had to be said.)
10. Love myself not just for all the superpowers I possess but for the human parts I possess as well.

This is a short list and I could continue, but its time to save the house from the giant fuzz ball of dog hair!
Be kind today and remember I like you even without the superpowers.

Addicted

Hello,
My name Is Anjae and I am a treadmill addict. I wasn't going to work out today, due to extreme exhaustion but guess what, I did it. I woke up thought I was going to sit on the couch till my appointment today and voila' there I am on the treadmill. Its like it stands in the corner and taunts me. Please if you have this problem there is help for you, its called HEALTHY. I know I have posted about my workout habits already this week, but even when I am tired, I do it. SO there are no excuses anymore. And is it bad that I wanted to workout so I could burn the calories and gain a few more food calories so I could have my Starbucks coffee today? NO, of course not. With the time I have I get to focus on me and I can happily say I am addicted to my loverly treadmill!

Be kind today.

New Day

Rainy days always make me sleepy. I slept in till about 9:45 today, which is really late for me. Had my morning coffee and now I am ready to go back to bed. There is a dog sitting at my feet that would gladly go back to bed with me-no objections. So, today I thought I would give you some ideas on what one does during a rainy day. Some of these I will be doing today, others are just mere suggestions if you have the time and the means.

1. Read a good book, while wrapped in your leopard snuggie. (yes this one is happening today!)
2. talk to your twin on the phone about how her moving down the street is going.
3. Start planning your summer vacation weekend to CHICAGO to see a pretty lady and her family. (Nad, I really am coming to visit!)
4. dance around with the dog to some loud music that makes you think of college-which has now been 10 years since you were a freshman.
5. Watch the cardinals play on the bird line outside your window.
6. Watch the hawk fly through the backyard and intimidate the cardinals.
7. Use some glitter to create something special....this one you have to do with care, since glitter is like sand it ends up in places you never thought it could go.
8. Try taking the dog out, but you get of look of,  "Would you go out there to pee? Cause I sure am not!"
9. Call your mother and discuss everything under the sun and have her tell you a story about when she ran away to New York. (Momma I haven't heard the whole story.)
10. Enjoy the day and know that what ever worries you had today are being washed away with the rain. Tomorrow is a new dawn and a new day...and you will be feeling fine!

be kind today.

Motives

What are my motives when I wake up in the morning and get on my treadmill and walk for the duration of a prime time tv show? The answer is simple: self worth. I want to feel good again about who I am. Yes, I have discussed this before, but that was on a emotional well being. This is about being comfortable in the body I have and how I perceive myself. Let's get this straight, I both hate and love my treadmill...it stares at me in the corner of the living room so I have no choice but to get my butt on it and go. I don't even sit on the couch till I am ready to have my coffee after my morning workout and shower. That couch has magic powers, it has been known to keep me and my SO on it for hours watching entire seasons of shows with no regard to our well being. Anyhoo, back to the main point; I want to feel energized and good about who I am and not worry so much about how I look in something. I am in awe of women that are happy with the bodies they have and take no heed to what others say. I am working on that not caring what others think about me too, so don't worry that won't be a post anytime soon. :)  Sara Bareilles  has a song called Beautiful Girl and it fits this post perfectly. Be kind to others today and love who you are no matter what. You were created to be beaUtiful!

"Beautiful Girl"

You wanna walk into the room like that other girl does
The one that’s always making everybody fall in love
You see…girl you’re a lot like me.
She rearranges all the light in the room so you’re always in the shadows,
Well that’s what it feels like to you…
Baby I’ve been there too.
And I know how much it can sometimes hurt,
You feel like the whole world has made you the ugly girl.
Take it from me that you have to see it first.

So before you trade in your summer skin for those high heeled shoes, 
To make him want to be with you.
Let me remind you one more time…
That just maybe, you’re beautiful but you just cant see.
So why don’t you trust me,
They’ll see it too you beautiful girl you

You wanna lay the blame on somebody else, 
All these tiny little minds that leave you up on a shelf.
But okay, I’ve seen it done that way.
Just in case nobody ever comes through, 
Riding in to come to your rescue.
You still have a chance,
You don’t have to be asked to dance.
I know how much you’ve been dying to say,
Look how much everybody loves me.
Guess who gets left when everyone else fades away

So before you trade in your summer skin for those high heeled shoes, 
To make him want to be with you.
Let me remind you one more time…
That just maybe, you’re beautiful but you just can’t see.
So why don’t you trust me
They’ll see it too you beautiful girl you